Six Two Five

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so many gifts i want to give, though these days not really my thing, still, i'll cherish the moment He brought your soul into this life, giving me an anchor, a light, towards that peerless place, where everything i am, is unified through all of time. be happy, be safe, beloved, such Fate, winding yet not choking, rather uplifting though beyond our knowing, iA for the Day we meet again, i wait. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 what pulls me ahead, keeps me walking forward, those dreams i gave Him to hold, for them was i too weak. the sum of a life with death, the reward of a gift too grand to fathom, these aren't factors for a slave to think he's earned, just the mercy i hope to find my Creator's reserved. it is nice though strange to have a goal when the heart is silent, absent, a grain of sand running down its hourglass, forgive me if i ever falter, or if my mirage turns to dust and ash, mortal i am yet long for immortal the life, these days limbs move and tongue makes speech, but as i live and breathe, can't say these things are quite from me, automaton reanimated, lifeless given soul though deaf and blind, my senses mere extensions of a machine lived longer than its human image.

onwards i live, onwards i go, find yet perhaps, the Moon which, upon my face it glows, not quite so starved of light, so long as it smiles, a torch through this longest of nights.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

grounding or grounded, sometimes in-between the state, not quiet sure the voltage, might be raining on the mindscape, electrocution a thing so close, but love water and the clouds their shade,  reminded by zips and zaps, to take heed of lessons, go to where the flow is at. forgive and keep forgiving, all beloved and even others, that i too may be of those forgiven, just as many mistakes, for this blind one here to make, when others him have hurt, and in his own moments of ignorance, he thought himself innocent, of pain undeserved. 

~

On the one hand, there is one to call my gaze forward, and on the other, one to call my gaze to the present. Truthfully though, that which I seek, those ambitions way above the warrant of my being, my dreams - those are all that give me weight, the signposts on my road, that give me purpose within purpose, so this existence doesn't fool me into thinking that it's all I'll ever know. Among the ambitions, the obvious, to unite with my beacon, to share and gift and marvel at all the sparkles in her eyes beginning with time immemorial. Another, this wish a bit more intrinsic, for it reaches back to the Creator, to meet Him, converse, to learn from Him the truth of what I was and what I am, to find out if I was what I thought to be. Perhaps also that I might also fall into sujood not far from His throne, knowing just some of what He'd given me but that I was equal so little in return, not to speak of shukr. No words could fit that moment, only the eyes and what they release and the tongue and the throat and some sound escaping, that is all that can be said. It may not sound like it, but that will be a happy moment, iA. Because it is the most right, most natural, fitting, undeniable state for a created slave to find himself with regard to His Creator. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

some day, I'll be free, free of this life, free to leave, carried like weight on a boat, threatening to tip over, so saltwater I breathe, until blackness is the vision, and so silent ends my part on stage, my role in the scene. to keep hold of a thing i cannot give, may as well be underneath, the ground or an ocean, nothing left for these veins to bleed. can't sever some ties, borne in blood, have to keep them alive, or risk His wrath, be cursed for all time. oh resonance, where the hell are you? where do you exist? why is my violin, so broken, its chords so stiff? where is that musician's soul, to pluck your strings, and bring me back to whole? 

Beyond

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

pour la Lune

Of all the mortal ties I’ve ever known, 

there is one that stands apart,

demanding not a thing, 

nor demands upon it placed,

arising from the core of my being, 

centered in the heart and its giving.

And the crux of such a state,

acceptance given and received,

in whole and full, human yet complete.

Its origin: Beyond the bounds of life,

before souls found breath,

before the start of earthly time.

Among the mortal treasures I chase,

this:

the icing and its cake, 

of all the crops, their cream,

of all the vines, the starlit rose,

even as the journey has its pricks,

so worth the wait

to see how with Him it grows,

iA.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Back last night, alhamdulillah. A worthwhile trip, bringing with it more realization and growth invariably, things I didn't really ask for, but there's no way to keep going on this road than accepting that I can't stop my evolutions, maybe find my Rabb not entirely disappointed in my effort at the end of it. 

The most important realization I learned of late: of the love I showed my Gift, I kept wanting and expecting her to reciprocate, to give back in turn something of what I gave. She couldn't, it was too soon for her to reach that point, so my course was to hold back my love for the most part, though showing still affection and care because that's my intrinsic nature 'leaking' out. But I had to refrain from showing it always, from being too often physically proximate, perhaps a wisdom of which was for her to be able to gradually acclimate to me being there, becoming someone, maybe the first one, for whom that type of closeness can always be present. 

Before I learned this, she called me selfish for considering only my need of closeness. Of all the stabs I'd ever known, this was pretty deep. I reflected a good bit, and perhaps that is what it was. I couldn't really fathom a love I'd feel that did not find its resonance in another person, the idealist/dreamer/lover can't conceive of feeling that way without its complement being found in turn. But I had to learn this lesson, not least of all because this is part of my test, part of my road through this life. What I seek in akhirah, what I have known and reached towards with my Moon, that is a certain part of perfection that love/emotion in this dunya can never replicate. Being content with what this life holds, what it can possibly hold in all its imperfections, this is part of the price in reaching a Pinnacle I'll never deserve but reach for regardless. 

Alhamdulillah, it isn't as dour as it seems. After I accepted this realization, my Gift naturally gravitated towards me in ways she never had before, with an acceptance of me that approaches what I need. Ironic, isn't it? That the moment I let go of obsessing over what I think I need, my Rabb would then bring it forth? How little I know, subhanaAllah