بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Back last night, alhamdulillah. A worthwhile trip, bringing with it more realization and growth invariably, things I didn't really ask for, but there's no way to keep going on this road than accepting that I can't stop my evolutions, maybe find my Rabb not entirely disappointed in my effort at the end of it. 

The most important realization I learned of late: of the love I showed my Gift, I kept wanting and expecting her to reciprocate, to give back in turn something of what I gave. She couldn't, it was too soon for her to reach that point, so my course was to hold back my love for the most part, though showing still affection and care because that's my intrinsic nature 'leaking' out. But I had to refrain from showing it always, from being too often physically proximate, perhaps a wisdom of which was for her to be able to gradually acclimate to me being there, becoming someone, maybe the first one, for whom that type of closeness can always be present. 

Before I learned this, she called me selfish for considering only my need of closeness. Of all the stabs I'd ever known, this was pretty deep. I reflected a good bit, and perhaps that is what it was. I couldn't really fathom a love I'd feel that did not find its resonance in another person, the idealist/dreamer/lover can't conceive of feeling that way without its complement being found in turn. But I had to learn this lesson, not least of all because this is part of my test, part of my road through this life. What I seek in akhirah, what I have known and reached towards with my Moon, that is a certain part of perfection that love/emotion in this dunya can never replicate. Being content with what this life holds, what it can possibly hold in all its imperfections, this is part of the price in reaching a Pinnacle I'll never deserve but reach for regardless. 

Alhamdulillah, it isn't as dour as it seems. After I accepted this realization, my Gift naturally gravitated towards me in ways she never had before, with an acceptance of me that approaches what I need. Ironic, isn't it? That the moment I let go of obsessing over what I think I need, my Rabb would then bring it forth? How little I know, subhanaAllah