1.23.2016

- in the name of Allah -



It is a curious state I find myself in these days. In some weeks' time I am to be married. Immense news I would imagine, from the outside looking in. But for me, to me, what does this momentous occasion hold? Not as much as it used to, not since I had to leave part of me behind, the part of me that couldn't find a way to jive with life. People tend to be more idealistic when they're younger, more adventurous in one way or another, and I was no exception. I dreamt a dream far too big for my younger self's britches, and as is often the case in these scenarios, there was massive disappointment involved. No matter, that is the qadr of Allah and He does what He wills. All I have in this moment and going forward, is to try and look ahead. At some point I imagine the emotion will kick in and it'll all start a whirlwind of meaning something, but for now there is a serene numbness toward what is to come. 

In light of this, I need to point out a few things. While I have left part of me behind, that part is neither forgotten nor overlooked. She-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named still comprises part of the ink within my soul, still means just as much as ever. The only caveat is a transformation from a past folly into a end-goal hope. The dream I cannot have in this dunya, I will defer for Jannah. As an Aqueous Transmission once mentioned to me before, I have that future to look forward to further down this river of life, anticipating what might then be shared. 

Oh Rabb, never let this dream of mine fade, no matter the heights I reach or depths invade, let this solitary vision grace the back of my mind forever with its intrinsic hope and determination. Oh Rabb, forgive my indecisions and cowardice and loss of ways when I lost purpose within. Oh Rabb, make her happy beyond recognition, make her road as fruitful and safe and steady as what she loved about spring. Oh Rabb, be with us always, forever, guiding and forgiving, redeeming and reminding, that which always we should remember. ameen--<@

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did something vanish? I couldve sworn there was another post. I tried 4 times to reply to it, each time something happened. I kept meaning to come back ,but alas life always gets in the way. In any case, mabrook yous, im so happy for you. i really wish the best for you. theres so much i wish i could say, 10 years worth. anyhow. you can just delete this comment after you read it. actually, id prefer if you did.
lol. i had an entire reply that i meant to write, and i swear it just isnt coming to me right now. maybe its for the best. i figured i should reply today before i forget again.

Ameen to your duaa.

This song reminds me of a poem on a wedding card a received in the mail so long ago. :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap-HeMIKi-c

my comment is all over the place. kind of like my brain these days. please forgive me for that.
ma'salaama :)

Nomad said...

Alhamdulillah, truly.

A few minutes ago, right before I opened my email client, I thought how nice it would be to find a reply from you on my blog. Mere seconds later, that's exactly what happens. wa'Allahi, I kid you not. Sometimes when it flows, it just flows.

Nice to see you caught that, last comments were in an October's post:)

I know how you feel. For as much as I've written and try to write, there's probably an equal amount I'm unable to find words for. It's difficult, strange, but that too is part of my road. JazakAllah khair for the wellwishes, it means a lot. Ditto for 'Fly On', I'll add it to my playlists.

Just as all of my old posts and thoughts are etched in (digital) stone, preserving the record of my life, so too these comments are a part of it. They are something I treasure, something I can reflect on later in life to remind me part of who I was and what I sought. Whatever I went through, I wouldn't delete any of it if I could. One thing I learned over the years is to find good, even in something that doesn't appear to be.

Scatterbrained, you say? We knew this already lol :) haha really though, it's all good alhamdulillah. Just remember Allah no matter what and hold fast to His rope. The rest will play itself out just fine iA.

ma'asalaama :]

Nomad said...

It's been well established that this 'yous' character is an idiot. Ah well, so long as the end he seeks is the end he finds iA, then he may be forgiven for his idiocy.

Decided to re-publish this post, since it contains some of the most important words ever written here. It was never deleted as suggested, could never do that.

Duas always, plus a hope that Allah's blessings, mercy, and forgiveness rain effortlessly on you and those close to you for as long as life endures, ameen ya Rabb.

~wa'alaikum asalaam wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakaat