- in the name of Allah -



It is a curious state I find myself in these days. In some weeks' time I am to be married. Immense news I would imagine, from the outside looking in. But for me, to me, what does this momentous occasion hold? Not as much as it used to, not since I had to leave part of me behind, the part of me that couldn't find a way to jive with life. People tend to be more idealistic when they're younger, more adventurous in one way or another, and I was no exception. I dreamt a dream far too big for my younger self's britches, and as is often the case in these scenarios, there was massive disappointment involved. No matter, that is the qadr of Allah and He does what He wills. All I have in this moment and going forward, is to try and look ahead. At some point I imagine the emotion will kick in and it'll all start a whirlwind of meaning something, but for now there is a serene numbness toward what is to come. 

In light of this, I need to point out a few things. While I have left part of me behind, that part is neither forgotten nor overlooked. She-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named still comprises part of the ink within my soul, still means just as much as ever. The only caveat is a transformation from a past folly into a end-goal hope. The dream I cannot have in this dunya, I will defer for Jannah. As an Aqueous Transmission once mentioned to me before, I have that future to look forward to further down this river of life, anticipating what might then be shared. 

Oh Rabb, never let this dream of mine fade, no matter the heights I reach or depths invade, let this solitary vision grace the back of my mind forever with its intrinsic hope and determination. Oh Rabb, forgive my indecisions and cowardice and loss of ways when I lost purpose within. Oh Rabb, make her happy beyond recognition, make her road as fruitful and safe and steady as what she loved about spring. Oh Rabb, be with us always, forever, guiding and forgiving, redeeming and reminding, that which always we should remember. ameen--<@