بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Something that has been with me for awhile now, a few ayaat from Surah Al-Kahf where Khidr (as) is speaking to Prophet Musa (as) :

To me, this statement by Khidr is one of the most profound in the entire Quran. It describes the human nature and limitation so perfectly, that we find patience extremely difficult, if not impossible, in situations where our knowledge and understanding don't reach. When people complain of the problem of evil and "how could God allow such a thing", this is precisely the kind of result from their being unable to be patient with not grasping something that is beyond them. When I personally face situations where I cannot tell the best of options ahead of me, when the only choice is to go forward while not knowing whether short-term hopes will find fruition...that is the most unpalatable pill imaginable. One cannot determine if the next step taken is to be something lost or something gained, something to exist simply as trial, or something that will continue past the torment of an unknowable future. So predictable is this, so innate to the human being, it is found even in the anbiyaa'. It is one of the most essential struggles we face, to look at what we can't grasp in knowledge and retain patience. I haven't solved this dilemma, it dogs me still, has dogged me for a very long time. 

Ultimately, the road of wondering ends at a very easy stop sign: I am owned by my Rabb. As is every constituent part of me. Whether He chooses to try the body, or the heart, or the soul, or varying parts thereof, it is all His to do with He wills. I lament the unknown, the parts of me that look towards hope and also foresee the loss, partly through recollection of past experiences, but also because I know it would just be what would try me most. I have often asked myself what can dust be reduced to, when one falls to pieces so minute it is as if the mere blowing of wind could scatter them. Yet there have been a few cases where even down to my very atoms I have felt this disintegration, wondering in amazement at what Allah decrees when it surpasses so unimaginably what I can fathom. 

Onwards this test goes, no say in the matter have I, just to keep walking the bridge though oft have I longed to simply jump it, that option was not allowed to me. What will one become at the end of it? Only Allah knows.