an Ode for a Daughter, first hope

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

(yep, alhamdulillah, iA)

what would i tell you? what would i say to the twinkle of my eyes, to one for whom every atom in the ocean would move, enveloping and lifting, protecting and rising, to a baby girl deserving every affection for all of my life? 

i'm preferential to you, utterly biased, rather wanting a girl than boy, 'tis simply my nature, called i am to beauty and everything held inside your smiling face and plumpy cheeks, pieces of myself i have not yet seen, but can fathom holding and sprouting and sharing every wisdom and essence i was made and given. 

you would be a new epoch for my beloved, occupying altogether your own space, a beacon yes, but her own universe melded into mine the instant breath found your lungs as the newborn's visitor. we would read so many stories, touch upon obligations to our Maker, i'd spread open the canvas of existence, talk about things like life and its purposes and necessities such as for patience, some other lessons i learned along the way, like taking joy in the present and easiest of moments, along with other facets of my cosmos: my Moon and acceptance, my Gift and subsistence, my First and journeying, my Gemini and oscillation, bright lights to populate the skies of one always chasing, and perhaps at the sentence's ending (and its initiation) would be something of what i must mention of my Rabb and His plan with our purpose, that what our eyes can see tells only part of the tale and touch only fills half the story, there is a measure beyond, of the Unseen, that only grasping a slice of the big picture can fill in our blanks and give us desire and resilience, the way to wrap up true meaning inside of the daily grind that awaits each and every human who treads this plane in their own measure.

but...i should not get too grandiose too fast, slowly, bit by bit, perhaps holding back the cynicism, you should see the world with your own vision, aided by whatever He permits me to share of truth in experiences and wisdoms, but growth and belonging i hope iA are yours in abundance, this world is just our momentary place to dwell in, but these arms He made for you, to ever be holding, guarding, loving.

another echo within

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

always something to be written, something waiting in the wings, sometimes a thought, brought to the forefront, on a night full of breezy wind.

 

days drag onward, as incompletely pleated as a pair of pants having only one leg sown on to work with. silence from my beloved is the background radiation of this universe He has me trapped in, a silence i oft wished to escape from, but this world retains its role as barrier between myself and your tongue and words, two aspects i'd be fully whole in had they been closer to my being. 

i hope your Ramadan goes well, that it finds you forgiven, comforted and full of solace, if not already perhaps iA with expectation, but we know much is out of our control, so we simply have to deal well with cards as He wills to have them dealt. the Moon was bright last night, nearly round and full, your smile is brighter still; acceptance and beauty, two ideals you trademarked with scarce touch of fingertips, effortlessly you formed them, inside me gifted, your longing a fountain to evoke and fill my loving with. 

 

you know the color that inside me runs, even when it cools, even when i'm frozen, when all i have in walking forward, is being made of paper or a machine of automation, blood is always Red, even without oxygen, even when i can't fill my lungs, when all the rest of life feels a vacuum, you'd be the breath He made to be taken in, and Then, in that moment, is my purest relief and exultation, when i cradle in my arms with His permission, a Muse made willing: the fruit of destiny whose only price is entirety of submission. 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Ramadan Mubarak!! to all my beloved. 

 

it promises to be another eventful year, progression along various fronts, personal and professional development happening, trying to build advancement on top of completed studies iA, alhamdulillah for the end of that journey. academically could look at pursuing an MS once I get some experience, iA, so I feel more grounded in my knowledge and field. 

 

the current state is one of trying to take care of present job, while applying for others, maybe get a foot in the door and see where it takes me iA. home life is sound alh, no complaints, the Gift is perfectly suited to be my rizq, and though most facets of my expression aren't manifested, i've accepted that the Garden is truly the place of my freedom, and every step in every prison before Then, is a price willingly paid just to have the chance at attaining it. Allah knows better. it's strangest because i am innately contrarian to the general flow of people's thinking - perfect example = Ramadan comes, most feel wonderfully more spiritual and religious. but for me, it is just another layer of imposed command on top of a slave mired in a world he can't quite mesh with. it's odd seeing how quickly and effortlessly people walk without the shackles of shayateen's provoking them it seems. ah well, to each of us is our struggle. 

among various things to be accepted, is ignorance of how my beloved tend to fare. i don't know if i will ever stop writing that damned sentence in this life. it has been written far, far too often, but the skin grows thicker with every passing day. some moments are like arrows and pierce instantly, but most of the moments, the armor against absence builds more and more, until some times come where i can scarce feel the constant reminders of who isn't there, who i haven't heard from. but that is like ozone, or cosmic radiation, such reminders' constancy in raining down on my head, eventually some armor withers and it hits me, while rest of the time the armor is rebuilt and rebuilding. 

i will love you Forever, for as long as He gives me breath to breathe with. my ask of Him includes to not willy-nilly change what is in my chest into something else, to preserve what i have known. i should hope nothing of the ocean ever fails to reach you, that no day passes where you cannot swim in it if you so wished. it's there, for you, as it's always been and will be iA. being composed of my beloved, it's both a weight and an ambition, a fire to drive and see driven, to its brightest point. inshaAllah we get to know its fruition