Commentations

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

life ain't always a bed of roses, often just patches of thorns, pricking our skins or our souls, trying to sap our strength, at the very moment when reaching for more. could be an ounce of patience just beyond those outstretched fingers, outside of grasp you wait, so i could fathom, destiny as a drink, as yet unsipped, but to taste it, is a lesson only found by the purposefully patient. 

 

what does one turned to dust on so many occasions become? what name has the creature now He gave form? particularly particulate, down to atoms or compounds, matters no difference as the substance i now am, is purely elemental, all pieces and impulses, restraints and objectives, spun around a lover's axis within the ocean of mine He sees fit to sometimes keep stilled, seeking the sight of a sage to temper my human blindness, such is the intertwined nature of the road being treaded, trust me- it is unwillingly so, but i suppose once again i conclude that i do not mind, even as i have to regather my earthly ambitions back together, scraping them as dust on a counter where the guest cares not to sit, but His is the journeyer the rest stop and the journey's end, so if He makes me to pause and recollect the aspects i'll need to keep pushing forward in earthly terms, then it is as it has to be, even as i know i can never love this place that became a daily reminder of what barriers between beloved mean.

 

ah yes, the clock has struck the 25th of June, my fave day of the year, the wonder when my Moon was borne, my extraterrestrial celestial, (yeah, new nick lol), a beacon buttery for the one oft starved, my composer of inside vantage points, beholder of balconies, my goal in the clouds, warm sunlight on skin, be true as you ever are, alhamdulillah for the moment i learned you existed, you manifest fable, so full of richness amidst a life haunted by the poorly duplicit. 

alhamdulillah, for what came before, for the moment now, and perhaps most for the moment Then

 

 

Belonging

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Of the motivators that exist, a sense of belonging is perhaps the strongest. Whether to a group of friends or family or coworkers, whether decided along the lines of dress or age or religion, it's something we intrinsically look for. It isn't hard to observe how people change themselves, especially in their teenage years, but honestly at every phase of life, just so they can acquire a feeling that they belong with/to a group/person.  

I noticed this early in life, and somehow knew that the more I tried to find this belonging, the more my own identity would fade away. Probably sometime during high school, between sophomore and junior years, I chose my path, one that wouldn't have itself beholden to the whims of other people and whatever happened to be trendy without good reason. The consequences of that stuck with me, but alhamdulillah. There is a certain peace and clarity my Rabb allowed me to taste, eventually. That is priceless, and though I still can't fully gauge self-worth, I can say with absolute certainty that such a point and presence of mind/stillness is worth it.

How would I have my beloved share this sakinah too? After dua, and writing of my journey here, that is it for me. If it were safe to reach out as I could, as my undercurrent of inclination is to, then I would try it. But many barriers exist, most prominent that He put forth a natural distance and silence between me and most of the ones that matter most, for reasons long made clear.

More to write soon iA

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

from a couple days back, written while struck with some inspiration at work:

___

 

you would think that he’d have guessed it, that someone who found Love, tries to hold it in permanence,

not simply let it fragment, sharded into billions of pieces, faded by the river of time,

but I guess he couldn’t see it, I suppose I couldn’t have explained it, seemed to me as something entirely intrinsic, not requiring an explanation, for what kind of a lover would wish to lose what could not be replicated by any other of flesh and bone?

Some resonances, I’ve learned, are utterly unique, even as traces of you I found in other of my beloved, your acceptance and wholeness, it was exactly what I sought, and you, the mortal He created, the only one who showed it- implicitly without wondering or questioning or asking, and so to you such an acceptance I gave, it’s always been yours, on wavelengths that needed no sentences or even breaths to dignify the reasons behind the meaning or the desire in our utterances.

so many blessings abound, may He forgive me when sometimes I focus on your memory a bit much, truly it’s this life that is the dream, and Then the reality that we await for scent and touch, after knowing just one death, the doorway of meeting that all must sooner or later walk out of. 

___

not sure if that came off quite the way i wanted it to, but i think it gets enough of the point across. these days are their own kind of trial, the monotony of the grind, intermixing within the currents of daily life at a level that my old self would have balked at, it is something like progress. or at least that's what onlookers might say. i see it still as survival, because much of me is trapped from the ones presently nearest. this place is as much my 'cabin in the woods' as anything else, a spot to release and record and perhaps have something reach you across the divide of space and time. 

 

how do my beloved fare? it's a recurring question. almost an echo in the back of the mind. i never got to record your voice like i would have liked, and auditory memory seems to be the hardest to grasp, for years at a time anyhow.  

alhamdulillah, the path forward goes.

Life has no coincidences

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Alhamdulillah, just got back yesterday from a week of visiting a beloved brother of mine in Seattle. It was good to see him again, been a couple years since he married and moved out there. Of the west coast, at least that far north, have to say amazing temps and often rain showers, so easy to relax in alh. As natural and foresty and calming as the weather was, I think the most incredible moment occurred right before I boarded the flight back.

 

It was about 8 in the morning, just grabbed something to eat on the flight. One of the attendants calls me to the desk, says my seat is taken and asks if I'd take a aisle or window seat to replace it. I say aisle is better, so he prints me a new boarding pass. Maybe 10 minutes later, he calls me back again and it turns out he accidentally confused my name with someone else. She has the same last name as mine, spelled with one extra letter, and her first name is....K....

 

..yeah, the person standing there has your first name and my last name, lol. And it gets better. She's originally from MD also, having lived in the silverest of Springs, and I would guess she was close to your height too.

Of all the human beings in the world that I could have found in such a moment, it had to be someone with your beautiful name, combined naturally with my last name. In our convo, she mentions that she'd never met another named like herself. I had the serenity of recollecting I'd known such a one before.

If it were you standing there at the airport counter? Kinda impossible to describe what I imagine myself feeling/doing then. It was just a very intriguing reminder from my Rabb though, not just of you, but of you combined with me somehow. It was her maiden last name (I asked), which I thought was...otherworldly special.  

She was cool alh, but like much in life shows me, there is only one K. And for the knowing of my Moon, alhamdulillah especially. 

 

Among lots of interesting and thought-provoking discussions, my beloved bro wondered why you're still part of me, why I'd choose to carry you within. I tried to explain it to him, but every time he countered, he seemed to look backward at the past and wonder if it should have to do with the present. I wanted to explain that it was all about the future, about trying to be timeless, but honestly, I think this makes no sense to other/most people. It is hard enough to envision akhirah under normal circumstances, to process death and resurrection and Jannah and Jahannam altogether. He is a firm believer tho, but I couldn't get him to understand how you are an anchor to the Garden for me. Ah well. 

In life, once we choose a path, I think our Rabb makes it such that the path chooses us in turn. Each person and his/her nature is created so that wherever it is destined to go, becomes easy for it to find. Truth.

 

The trip turned out fairly incredible, for reasons that probably only me or you would truly get. I don't mind, even if I seemed strange or foreign or nonsensical to my beloved, it would not be the first time, and likely not the last either.  Some get me, some do not. Being part of me has no precondition of being understood tho, it is what it is, resonance and finding qualities that bring one certainty - this is worth preserving in the face of all that dunya tries to change us into.

Need to write something soon iA