carried on the wind

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah, as some doors closed others keep on opening. got a big interview coming up Monday, very solid position that would be pretty amazing and doesn't have experience requirements to start off. duas for khair and landing it are always appreciated from my beloved

 

~

 

 

on other recent events, heard about some serious rain and flooding down south around Texas. first thought trailed back to you when i saw those streets overflowing and people trying to get out of the city before it piled on even more. even thought about reaching out, directly or otherwise. managed to keep that part of you that's in me, inside its box, because i can't let it out just yet. this internal compartmentalization is something my Primera mentioned to me some years back. it's become a necessary skill for the nomad to survive with, because i can't let the ocean run free. not yet. 

 

i would never choose to want catastrophes or something terrible, but i'm reminded of 2020 when i got to hear from you because of the madness that year was. would i ask for such a trial again, if it could trigger another revisiting? part of me says yes, and part me laughs at myself for carrying the thought. forward is where i have to go, and your name colored red is soaked in my blood for what destiny it holds. i keep this place especially because i should not reach out, and i can't lock away many thoughts and weights that my nature brings. gotta release somehow. 

 

maybe some day in this life, iA you'll taste that feeling Eesu gave you, from another little spring to fill your bosom with the light it was made for. maybe i could get a pic of such an momentous event? iA.  but what a complicated set of emotions in these few sentences, subhanAllah it is how it is, this life. 

at the very least, my favorite letter will be embedded within the middle [name] of my littlest beloved-to-be iA. and should my Rabb try me as He tried you, well then i'll just have to have more of your patience, the patience that this entire road has been made of all along. trying to be prepared for anything, crazy as life can be. as ever tho, i side with those who would choose to love regardless of having lost it or not. always. if lovers must bleed for being themselves, well then that is the price of it, and bi ithniAllah gotta stay true.

ma'asalaama, in every moment

 

 

of now

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

where to begin? 

 

alhamdulillah things are steady most respects these days. out of the past 6 months, spent a couple going all-in on job applications. some went pretty far, and even signed one offer (before it was retracted after a 3rd interview). 

 

not sure how to describe the anticipation followed by disappointment and disillusion, on multiple occasions, of constantly questioning my place on this earth. it's a self-reflection i've carried all my years in living, and still, something i have not yet conquered. alhamdulillah though, some close brothers have given good advice and continue to do so. 

baby momma is progressing nicely mA, it's amazing how one's beloved can become more precious when she carries another inside her, more beautiful and whole. a future of family is another thing that brings home the necessity of better work for me, but subhanAllah, these kind of things He always makes happen on their own time, not when i would want it. 

- 

my own emotions have their highs and lows in these days, for reasons often out of my control, which i suppose is something every one of us has faced in one spot or another of life. trying to continue caring, while being free of apathy, of persisting when results seem so few and far between. i think this may belong in the meaning of 'sabr', but it's, as usual, a bittery pill to swallow. used to that i've become, which is just another consequence of life.

 

-

 

 wished i could know how you're breathing, see through your eyes the sights that you're seeing, even if touch was a dream yet unlived, just this bit of knowledge would be enough to keep the ocean molten and carried in feeling. my default mode is that of machine, pushing onward past desire into daily grinds where i am the stone it's trying to sharpen or make blunted seeming. alhamdulillah especially, for the light of a beacon, moonlit and dreamy, not quite intertwined to the degree i'd be seeking, but rest assured our destinies melding is an objective firmly entrenched in my being, it's the tunnel's light, somewhere at its end one supposes, though i've no guarantees or clauses to make certain what only blessing and mercy of His bring to fruition, the need and hope and potential: suffice the nomad as fuel for his wandering, often emptied the oasis, traveling with Tomorrow on the mind and his beloved as places, destinations, to reach and be found, mirrored existence upon every level, where only experience can explain the meaning what words can only skirt around in stating.

 

inshaAllah, sooner or later 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

before that proximity, there was a thought i'd had, about how my left flank was empty, no one standing next or near to me, and then maybe couple heartbeats later, He'd brought her to fill the void, and that...was what i wished for, to be surrounded by my beloved, to not have pieces scattered or distant. she came to my side, gelling there as if she knew the place belonged to her, and i knew something of being complete again. 

there's not a lot of words in the language to describe the emotions such an experience has. God knows, that kind of closeness, being with, ma'iyya, that is what i have always chased. in His wisdom it's also the rarest experience ever known, but alhamdulillah it does give me a template for what to seek and where to seek it. ya Rabb, grant my beloved the fullest of patience, until we meet iA.