- in the name of Allah -


Without a doubt these are strange times. Then again, there isn't a moment in my life that I can recall as being completely normal. Who cares, normal is for the ordinary, and that, whether for better or worse, is something I have never considered myself as.

I don't think I've ever known a clarity so clear as this. What exactly do I see, when my mind is not hindered by cloudy visions? My purpose forms to me, slowly, with little shape at first, but then I know what it is exactly that I must become. What is this epiphany, this realization of the end of one's existential crisis? It is that, no matter what may happen, no matter the love I may lose or the pleasure I may gain, I will always end up back to knowing my Creator. What brings me to Him? What is this propellant force that guides me along my sine-wave of a life? I am not entirely sure, but it is belief. Some how, some way, my belief has carried me throughout my life, and at no time has this been clearer than now. The root causes of ungratefulness, of disbelief, of hypocrisy, of malice, all seem so clear to me, and thankfully, so minute. It's as if for the first time in a long time, I can recall having conquered a demon in my soul that leapt at every chance it could get. There's a certain peace in giving up something of one's wants. I would say "giving up one's wants", but I do not deny that I am created human, and that I will desire regardless of whether or not I wish to control it. What I do with it, however, is something I have some measure of say-so in.

Particularly, it is giving up of people, specifically some women, that I have come to know over the passage of time. Some have been married, some have moved away, others pursue their dreams of making a better life for themselves and their families. I find that often my dreams of knowing them and being with them end up conflicting with their own. How so? It is because through knowing me, through truly understanding who I am, one cannot but be changed through it, and affect change in myself, howsoever slight it may be for them or I. Were they to fit into my plans, their own would change, and what they had held dear, would no longer be of use to them. Am I saying that I require deep sacrifice from the one I would marry? Of course not. I just carry the burden of truth, of knowing what my Rabb demands of me, and I do not attempt to make excuses why I do not or cannot follow His commands. I try; if I fail, then I simply repent and continue forward. There is no other path for me to take. Long ago I decided that a life of eternity and everlasting awesomeness was preferable to a short gain or short pleasure; why love for a few years, when you can love forever?

Such simple words, such dramatic meaning..