- in the name of Allah -

It never ceases to amaze me how epiphanies come about. Even under or after the most common of circumstances, high in the clouds or treading through depths, there can follow a moment of clarity that simply puts everything into perspective, back into focus. 

For me, this latest one is a bit mind-boggling (which one isn't?). For a long time now, I had been opposed to the institution of marriage. In my eyes, it had become something quite rotten with the fallacies imposed by superfluous culture and tradition, things that were easy on the eyes but pretty empty in meaning. I felt that marriage, for me - a wished-he-lived-in-another-age type, was no longer an avenue through which I could chase my ideal. I mean, what does this world do to ideals except erode, demean, and destroy them constantly? So, if the ideal could not be found or survive, then I had no purpose in finding my soulmate; alas, even if I would have, it would have fallen to pieces at the hands of this life, right? In any case, that was my thinking. Relatively flawed, yes, but in a fairly tragic-hero kind of way (so I like to think). 

On to the epiphany: I got to pondering over a supplication a best friend once taught me, he said it had helped him immensely. So I took it to memory then, and recited it on a regular basis. However, I had not been able to fully decipher the depth of its meaning till it literally hit me, just thinking over it randomly. 

The supplication (dua) in specific:

"Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhuriyyatina qurrata A'yunin waj'alna lil-muttaqina imama."  

Translated - "Our Lord! grant us in our mates and offspring the coolness (joy) of our eyes and make us patterns for those who guard against evil." (25:74)----{basic meaning: asking Allah for joy and comfort in spouses and children, while also becoming leaders for the righteous}

 The underlined part is what lead me to the epiphany. For a long time, I considered only that I would be such a source of happiness for my parents, and that in itself was a worthy-enough means or goal for me to live. However, this time it occurred to me: it is true that I could be this for my parents, but who was there to be the coolness of *my* eyes? After looking at the supplication, the answer was evident: in order to find this coolness, one must have either a spouse or children. Alas, the obviousness of it was almost deafening. As such, there was no way I was going to find what I long for (a serenity, fulfilling and enduring) without reconciling myself with the notion of marriage, at least in the purest form I can find. And just like that, my opposition to marriage drifted away into the winds of time. I have to keep looking for someone. Who, I don't know, but my only condition or requisite has been simplified a thousand times over into just one....that she be my very own 'qurrata A'yunin'.