بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

At the beginning, this wasn't even on my radar. Before this year, I'd never thought deeply on Hajj, never considered it more than a distant afterthought of something to do far later in life. It wasn't a personal goal or wish of mine, "just" a worship I accepted as part of my deen.

With this as the backdrop, enter 2018. My two best friends invite me to go with them on their own Hajj, and there was no reason for me to say no. I had the time and resources, and amazingly, I could not have asked for better companions to be going with alhamdulillah.

At this point, one has to understand a few major things to grasp how Hajj relates to me and how I relate to Hajj: it was never a goal of mine, it is not my own accomplishment, there is absolutely no credit that I can claim as my own from it. The entire experience, from its inception to conclusion, was arranged entirely 100% by Allah. He put the circumstances in place, aspects I did not see to myself, He gave me the ability to accept the offer, He provided me the financial and logistical means to make it completely feasible without my own intending to do so at the start of it. He wanted me to go there, and thus I went as He willed, and I have to say that it makes me ecstatic beyond measure to be in such a position as to be part of His qadr for such obedience and acceptance. Which slave would not love to be one that His Creator chooses for him such a road, facilitates all of it, and then permits him to take from it good and continue in gratitude despite its difficulty? There will never be enough for me to repay Him with, because it seems to me that blessings from Him simply continue to increase at a pace which I cannot measure and only have the remotest peripheral grasp of. It's like watching a constellation being created, from the birth of its first star to the formation of its planets from gaseous clouds, but at the distance of so many millions of light-years away that the observer (me) can only get a very rough sense of the awe involved in what's happening before his eyes. Perhaps iA I can find always telescopes in life to see into His infinite mercy and gifts, that I may always be an awestruck 'abd.

In short, Hajj is simply a gift my Rabb allowed me to undertake. It was a challenge without which there is much I could not have appreciated, a way of refining my submission to Him in ways that can never be described by words or understood by people, especially myself. While still there are things to add of my experience, for the opening, it suffices to say that I would change nothing and I hope He permits me to be a grateful and hopeful slave of His always, ameen. 

Hajj

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, I've returned. Strange though, I don't recognize pretty much anything. It's as if a stranger lived the life I lived, everything is so foreign it is impossible to describe. Not quite an out of body experience, just that I feel like an outsider to what was once apparently 'me' for the longest time. My past literally does not seem to exist, at all, like I stand on the edge of a string at its very beginning, with no previous history behind it. 

It's not an uncomfortable notion, just disorienting, surprising, hard to encapsulate. I've always felt from dunya a sense of strangeness so I didn't think something like this would be as shocking as it is, but it has been. SubhanaAllah this is what it He makes it to be. 

So much to relate it turns out, will have to take time for that iA. I didn't expect there to be so much, but one look back at "life" and either the world has altered while I wasn't looking...or I am the one who changed. Most odd of all, I thought I recognized myself throughout all of Hajj, yet the world shows me a mirror and tells a different story. What a tale it must be

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Oh Allah..You are the Guardian of my dream, of what lies beyond my grave, of everything that comes in between. Oh Allah...I beg You to never let her stray, keep gently close to You her heart, that one Day You return it to her completed and whole. She has none other than You, it is only You Who grants her safety, it is only You Who protects her through everything she faces. I have submitted, each day of this life needs my continued submission, to You, Oh Rabb, that I retain sanctuary with You and seek for her khair towards an end which pleases You. 

If in pieces for this life I remain, but You are content with my choice, then I can never mind being constantly molten, constantly in a state of needing You to help me with an ocean far beyond my own abilities to survive. Hajj comes for me tomorrow, a journey whose specifics I don't quite grasp yet, but truly is just another part of my own path to You, fulfilling Your command, seeking in this obedience perhaps eternal favor from You. I have no complaints, my Rabb, I would change not a single thing You have lead me through, the only road for me is the one bringing me back to You, reminding me how completely in need of You I am. 

Alhamdulillah, inshaAllah always may it be so. 

my truth

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 
Oh my Rabb,
I know that
I am not enough,

But here I am,
at Your command
needful of Your Love.

My aims, so far exceed
my ability or plans,
without You, nothing can I
dream,
or hope,
or achieve.

And if dreamless,
and hopeless,
and meanless,

then what is left of ‘me’?

Every breath in which
khair I find,
is from You a gift,
one I cannot ever
repay in kind.

Alas! Were I ever worth
just one blessing of Yours,
I'd count myself most fortunate,
and of Your aid assured.

But, there is none
for me to claim,
knowing of my flaws,
how they feel as chains.

Yet, though in so much
I am wholly incomplete,
utterly without,
with You remains my relief.

Oh Rabb,
keep with You all that I am,
let it never be lost,
being the same for my Moon,
while through this life's shade,
is the journey we must cross.

Ameen

The Embrace

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

He knew. In the instant their hands touched, he knew: This would not be a simple reunion. As wings unfurled from her back, with a playful grin she spoke but one word, "Come." Then, flying straight upward, she darted into the sky as if it were a thing she had known all her life, with skill innate as a bird born to know. 

He hesitated only for the second (or two, perhaps three...he was not certain how long) it took him to recoup his senses from his sparrow's touch, then crouched to position himself for the leap. How would he match her speed and grace? There was just one way, the only one he'd always had, "Oh Rabb, help me in this." And with his dua released, he coursed behind her, into the vast, endless skies that surrounded the Gardens they had not yet claimed as gifts from their Creator. 

~

So this was how flying truly felt! The wind and clouds cruising by her face joined forces in earnest with what she held inside, waves of feeling fully reinforcing each on top of the other, until she felt herself a speck at the brim of each newly forming crest, being carried aloft towards heights she had never imagined in ways that filled her chest far beyond full, till it seemed her heart became the size of the universe itself and she could relish every joy inside. 

As preoccupied with this experience as she was, she wasn't quite expecting him to close the gap so quickly. Perhaps time had slowed, or ceased to exist and there was no distance between them at all, or perhaps laws of physics disappeared when it came to matters like this, she hadn't a care as the invitation was his all along. Now, she simply needed to find the right place, the perfect setting to arrange where it would happen.

Not at all unexpected was where she found herself heading: the middle part of all the heavens, the highest-risen crème de la crème, of all the palaces and Gardens and rivers and sparkles and delights Her Creator made for His chosen ones, 

Al-Firdaus. 

Its glory was not for sight or minds to describe, but only to be held close by those given the gift of going inside, and so it was she soared straight for its opened Gates, knowing well the mercy of her Rabb Who planned for her this fate, and just as she entered, along her side he came.

~

As their gazes met and held, amidst the air and wind, so too were the final doors inside themselves, freed forever from their hinge.

~

At last he found again her hand, she held his tight to bring him close, while suspended in mid-flight, above the finest Bliss they rose, unawares of it all, except of the other in their arms...and the warmth of lips that had now tasted Home.







--<@

The Sparrow's Return

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

From him:

Of the ages that had passed since his sparrow flew off to find her way, they all now faded into the background, mere precursors to what lay before his eyes. Those human years, tiny pebbles of worldly life, were so insignificant next to Eternity. 

Like air itself, she glided nearer, with every step the beating in his chest becoming akin to thunder, until sound itself vanished from hearing. How often had he longed for this moment? How deeply had he committed to patience to reach this particular gift from his Creator? The questions disappeared as soon as they were conceived, for none of the wait mattered now, she was here, coming. 

Her eyes, what could he say to describe them? Their sparkle, of finest gems, their shine, of brilliant stars, their smile, of bubbling life itself. As her hand rose toward mine, he swore time then ended. Microseconds stood still, this...was the Moment...and as it unfroze, as their hands clasped, so it was that they came to know: there were no endings, no beginnings, just this meeting, as He always meant it to be. 

Next came the Embrace, but he would wait to write of that. Time permitted him to relish every instant of the Day his sparrow returned Home. 

From the sparrow:

For so long she hadn't thought this possible, that it would never happen for her. But! She was here, now, and this actually was. As she walked, she could feel the sky beneath her feet springing her forward, as if it wished for her to reach her destination as much as she wanted to herself. The weightlessness of the stroll was nearly mesmerizing, and deep down she desired to simply jump and skip and race into the Embrace she knew awaited her.

Perhaps the only reason she chose to keep her languid pace...the look on his face. Oh, if he could see himself! It was a gaze transfixed as a painting of awe and surprise and delight. That was simply too priceless, and she could not deny her satisfaction at how fitting it was for this meeting to take just a little bit longer. 

It never struck her odd how quickly her earthly time became immaterial, all of her struggles, they simply seemed like keys to the joy being unlocked in this very Moment. That peace, with the serenity her Rabb granted her since the Day began, she knew it had no equal, was worth every prick and thorn along the way. 

Speaking of her Moment, it was strange, but somehow she realized it was endless: every second that came to her would bring the Moment forward, like a snapshot of Bliss freeze-frame captured for her enjoyment, "past" and "present" would lose all relevance, for in this Garden, Her Garden, the gift from her Creator encompassed everything.  

As some of the possibilities began to dawn on her, she pondered if she might not take him for a chase. After all, what better way to sweeten the taste than by seeing if he could catch her now? The rush, exhilaration, pure joy, all from such a timely Embrace...

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sometimes, just have to let things be, can't change them from their pace, can't make them stay, can't make them leave, only to surf the waves that encompass what I mean. If the heart was an ocean, then I can see why storms love to cross over my surface, gathering in strength, preparing for ruckus, but all they are is wind, and deep as I am, I wonder if they'll help me reach, the core of my plane, where long await my dreams. My Rabb, You never let me settle, You never let me cease, You keep such beacons about, my atoms wish they had no leash, so they could spin alongside their quantum mates, erasing distances this life so oft creates. I will keep on walking, and breathing, and searching, and seeking, underneath the obvious and inside the invisible, for all the threads of Your Pattern, where all my existence is at last whole, at last completed.