بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

there are some who meet me, and will only graze the surface, growing like grass in a field, taking what the top of the soil holds, and not much further. 

then there are those who meet me, and slip beneath the surface, somewhere close to the heart, not grasping the depth but able to lean comfortably nonetheless, a swimmer with an underwater cave of air and life.

aaand then there is the one who settled into my soul, as gently and innately as one cloud melds into another, their moisture and altitude equivalent, able and willing to coexist at every temperature, resonate with every breath, as if another's existence was a mirror to their own. 

given what i seek, this life could never suffice me. not with the treasures He has kept in store, not with the bliss i have longed to share, only one place is enough. though the truth is i couldn't say how far my time here goes. i simply have to keep extending what good i can, to whomever is in reach, for all the remaining time there is. some would rather not meet Allah, out of ignorance or not having kept their covenant. but of all the beings one could possibly meet, converse with, learn from, who could ever be more worthy than He? not a single other. there is much that only He knows, much that only He can judge, and i have oft wanted to gain some of that knowledge, and know, with Him, where I truly stand, the full measure of the self. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sigh. So this was supposed to be the week where docs were going to tell me the results of the biopsy and we'd have an idea of what we're facing. Turns out not to be the case, as apparently what they took out of me (using the surgical method that gave most tissue yield, ironically), was inconclusive. Now they want a pet scan next to get some idea what the mass is...smh. 

The waiting continues, though alhamdulillah incision is healing well and physically I feel like my old self for the most part. Wish I had more info to go on right now, but like with most things of my life, my Rabb sees fit for answers to take their own time. That is the qadr of Allah, He does what He wills after all.   

Truths

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

they cut me, they cut me, they went so deep, had me on a table, then put me to sleep, took out pieces of my flesh, trying to tell what it's made of, so maybe a cure might let me longer breathe. my first operation, not quite like the board game, scars still healing, left on the skin, this latest slice of Qadr, not something I ever imagined. but then, that is what it means to live: to face the unexpected, and try our best with it, overcoming or embracing, sometimes both in a single serving. Family and my beloved, showing their concern, wanting to know what's going on, and so I will keep changing, and be to them an opened door, always there to listen, or speak a bit on what they would have spoken for. I once wrote, that for my Muse to be free, my heart and chest must be kept open, by what I said was any means. I never thought there'd come a point, where flesh would literally need be sliced open, for lessons to be ingrained, never forgotten or let go of. this is my road, the lover's path to his Maker's Home, where he hopes he may be granted, every wish and blessing, compounded on top of everything his dear Rabb, has let him to already know.

just another revival

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

your message, like a drop of rain falling on my face, when the day was drying and water seemed so far away. so glad to know i was wrong, closer than i thought, couldn't stop the smiling, even if skies became cloudy or dark. my Muse, at a slight distance, doing well and sound in all that I could know of, another happiness to layer on top of my Gift's arrival (iA) not long off. life is not only sadnesses or tragedies, not just pain or misery, rather my Rabb permits me to find those moments where arrows are up, and Love smoothes over all the negativity, like buttery cream spread over bread finally made delicious and ready to eat. 

alhamdulillah:)

mortality

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

So I had this cough for quite a long while, thinking it was something but probably not too serious. Eventually I decided to get an x-ray done, turns out there was an obstruction/abnormality in the right lung. Docs looking into it, started an antibiotic, but further tests to come.

How I've longed to meet my destiny, and for a moment, it seemed closer to me than ever. Alas, I am not the one to determine how long I have. Death is but a door, yet I have a feeling He is simply keeping this situation as a reminder to me of what I'll have to walk through. 

May He make that moment one in which my imaan is solid and hopeful, ameen.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah back from latest trip, learned a few things, one of them the emotional side of my Gift that I had never seen before but had oft wondered. Also learned a bit more of the depth of the trial that I will face in the remainder of life, what it means to have a wife and be a husband. At one time, disappointment and disillusion reached epic levels. At another time, I was struck by the certainty that this Gift was one that I'd never want to lose. But I have found that just because Allah granted someone something, does not immediately make it true that what was given is deserved. Much of what He gives does not have an answer, a correlating equivalent from human perspective. It's too great after all. Perhaps the most important realization though is that sometimes, maybe the very essence of life itself, can be summed up in the following way: simply trying to prove to Him that we are worthy of the blessings He gives, continually, in ways small and large, both internally and finding external/physical expression.

I wanted to post some writings from this trip and last January, that captured some of the sense of anathema I felt, the severity of contradiction. But I can't say if this would be wise. As spouses attempt to move on in life from every little and major hurdle they have in their marriage, constant revisitation (an old tendency of mine) is only somewhat useful. After a point, it has just as much chance if not more of being susceptible to shayateeni whispers and thus revived as a source of potential conflict. These kinds of things must be allowed to rest, and remain so, for people to accept moving forward. Though it is for certain, as much as He allows, that I'd never forget those moments of pain and absence of resonance and denial. But those times are now part of the historical record, especially as people grow and evolve together, old, relatively-healed wounds, should be kept in the filing cabinet, not re-examined for use as ammo against people we care about. The price of this, as with most things relating to the heart and growth, remains high, and maybe its pair in reciprocal is never found here. But such is the road of dunya, to try and always move past what has happened, so that the present is not poisoned and the future retains its glowing potential. InshaAllah these things become easier to absorb and enact throughout our lives.