بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah back from latest trip, learned a few things, one of them the emotional side of my Gift that I had never seen before but had oft wondered. Also learned a bit more of the depth of the trial that I will face in the remainder of life, what it means to have a wife and be a husband. At one time, disappointment and disillusion reached epic levels. At another time, I was struck by the certainty that this Gift was one that I'd never want to lose. But I have found that just because Allah granted someone something, does not immediately make it true that what was given is deserved. Much of what He gives does not have an answer, a correlating equivalent from human perspective. It's too great after all. Perhaps the most important realization though is that sometimes, maybe the very essence of life itself, can be summed up in the following way: simply trying to prove to Him that we are worthy of the blessings He gives, continually, in ways small and large, both internally and finding external/physical expression.

I wanted to post some writings from this trip and last January, that captured some of the sense of anathema I felt, the severity of contradiction. But I can't say if this would be wise. As spouses attempt to move on in life from every little and major hurdle they have in their marriage, constant revisitation (an old tendency of mine) is only somewhat useful. After a point, it has just as much chance if not more of being susceptible to shayateeni whispers and thus revived as a source of potential conflict. These kinds of things must be allowed to rest, and remain so, for people to accept moving forward. Though it is for certain, as much as He allows, that I'd never forget those moments of pain and absence of resonance and denial. But those times are now part of the historical record, especially as people grow and evolve together, old, relatively-healed wounds, should be kept in the filing cabinet, not re-examined for use as ammo against people we care about. The price of this, as with most things relating to the heart and growth, remains high, and maybe its pair in reciprocal is never found here. But such is the road of dunya, to try and always move past what has happened, so that the present is not poisoned and the future retains its glowing potential. InshaAllah these things become easier to absorb and enact throughout our lives.