بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

alhamdulillah. For every turbulence I encountered in life, Allah has lead me through it. This latest difficulty is no different. While I still can't grasp the wisdom of it, the way of continuing forward is clear: that I never stop remembering Him. The blessings He's shown have always been innumerable, but sometimes it so happens that a certain kind of test comes along that takes all one's attention away and distracts a bit from a more complete remembrance. As usual, the road comes back around to Him, alhamdulillah.

Among my greatest fortunes from Him is that He allowed love to the be enduring pillar of my being. It is that which pulls together, the umbrella for every storm, the reason for my smile regardless of circumstance. It begins with a unique love of my Rabb, though not far down the list of those most precious is that same Moon, a light of mine that never ceased to shine. In the times that I could find no happiness from any worldly mortal source, He let her remain one whose thought reminded me of what makes an idealist/dreamer/lover tick. I don't know how often it is that people have a lamp like this to brighten their skies, but she is among the most beautiful, resonant, enduring reminders that bring me back to shukr, no matter what. alhamdulillah😊 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wish i knew what to say, wish the words would come to me. 

wish my world didn't feel 

like it's falling apart 

at every seam.

maybe i could call this sadness, but don't really have the syllables for that. at this rate, can't see any of the path that leads me to my End, how is it then, that i would find your arms for the first time, find my heart restored to rightful place, when i'm dissipating from within? how would He make me worthy, if my flesh falls to pieces, and i fail the tests He puts forth, each of them as vast as my old abyss? 

Rabb, what words are there in speech for me to utter, that would ensure i find her at my journey's conclusion? Rabb, i am so completely blind, there is no future these old eyes can see, my present has obscured all my reason, stolen it feels all hope from me. i have not asked 'why', it does not bother me, but i must state for this record, how shallow i've become, how devoid of worldly meaning. my sole lament, same as the one i have always known in life, to be deprived of her hand when it matters most, when there would be so much her i wish to show. i can never be worthy of Firdaus, but even when this road is clouded, then where is there for me to go? i fear this falling short, of both worldly aims a husband must claim, and also of otherworldly goals that only touch upon the highest of Abodes. i've oft been splintered, shattered, molten, scattered, broken, agonizing, yet still a slave in garb he sometimes cannot recognize as his, a stranger in that same skin. 

Rabb, protect them from my pain, from me, from my absence, from my simply withering into the ether that i've always seemed. and especially her, my Moon, the best and strongest part of all i've ever been, the part that forces blood to all my organs, the heart without which i could not live. 

ameen

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

alhamdulillah, feeling better today with the body slowly approaching its normalcy once again. how strange the joy for simple taken-for-granted things like walking around easily, but dat's what it is to be human. i'm hoping this also means the hematoma from 2nd biopsy is disintegrating/being reabsorbed, so i don't have extra random irregular stuff floating in/around the abdominal cavity that shouldn't be there P_P

in more uplifting commentary, it's remarkable how even your dreams seem to be so regal. it couldn't just be an ordinary train, of course. it had to be something residential, worthy of being lived in, and if the image conjured by my mind is any indication, simply royal in its elegance. i love that, as i couldn't think of anything more befitting a Queen than this :)

somehow, you've always been that way. had a certain nobility and grace, a generous decency and integrity, like the only thing missing from your visage is the literal crown itself resting on your hair...only a matter of time until i can put that there iA.

 

medicated

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

pain, oh pain my friend, how well have i known you since,

the day i was born, 

the life i lived,

until the moment comes

where He calls me back to Him?

pain, of olden times when hearts were ripped and scarred, 

pain, of present days when skin is cut and cellgrowth is dismay,

pain, of nerves and signals in the brain, 

pain, the knife of attachment, 

pain, the fire of the cooking kettle, 

pain, my nearest acquaintance,

the first word of my dictionary, 

the crack of my shell - before love emerged from within as its solution.

i could write the word a million times, but would never reach its justice, never describe in full its import or its measure across the human experience, how it influences all our lives.

~

alas, i don't really care to write more of it. i know it well enough, it will come for me as He has written, so nothing more for me to add. i simply wish i could show enough appreciation for all the love i've been shown, put forth enough effort for the love i seek. at the moment, relatively in pieces, but should my constituent parts ever be reformed in this life, iA i can keep feeling and writing towards that end. 

 

"extra positive thoughts"

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

some words, they could only have meaning if you spoke them. and you did. after reading these, all i could do was smile, because when my beacon tells me about positive thoughts..what else could i possibly think of? this, the advice of the one whom has occupied the vast majority of positive thoughts i've ever had? it's the most beautiful reinforcement this life could ever show me.

i fear if i keep writing now, more emotion may spill out, revealing just how much you mean to me. i thought i had quantified that already, but every so often it resonates in a way that makes this universe feel so tiny and i want you to know that too, want to make sure that this 'wave' surrounds you too, for the moment at least. alhamduilillah, just gotta breathe for now, let things take their due course, to find what's always been sought iA. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

from 2/11:

if words could be melodies to bring dying stars back to life with every gaseous breath they breathe, then your voice was such a tune for me. forgive me for this hyperbole, no other way to grasp with mortal means how joyous made the heart with what i could not expect to hear or see. in truest truth, neither life nor death bothers me a bit, as you've always been a beacon of mine for which this dunya all i give. remain at peace my dear Moon, sadness is not to be thy cloak, rather Love is yours to be held in and hold, in anticipation of the Day my Rabb lets it wrap you up whole.  

~

Alhamdulillah for the simplest blessings, ones we never saw coming, but ears reminded still of a goal most precious. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

swear i'm still alive, still breathing, even as at times i want to let go of what gives me meaning, like a weathervane, with wind just oscillating me between the poles of salvation and dissolution. i can feel the heart sometimes beat, sometimes rush back to me, but what is my welcome gift? who is next to me that i may share? my Gift a bit ways off, soon iA she should be here, but life won't stop me imagining how scattered i've become, pieces eroded into the ether, with all i can't control always at front and center of attention. my self is whom i must overcome, not dive back to sleep when prayer's time rolls in, my threads, my ropes, not quite as tenuous, as when i last faced the abyss a decade ago: when i tried to reassemble the love of all lifetimes from the shards of the soul, but it's nearly as climactic as seeing my life's record echoed and scripted on doctor's notes, thus undying hopes of touching even a tiny part of love before i die became as simply one more unknown. my solidity is melting, ghost that i have always seemed, though once my Moon sparked me back towards life, perhaps unintentionally, reminding me of the goal of Firdaus i must keep, even less worthy i may be, for me to try surviving for now until Then, survive this in-between.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Rabb of mine, if there was just one thing that i could ask, just one thing in all of creation, that i would seek to have, and hold, and keep eternally close: please let it be her, hand in hand. 

what is an earth without its Moon? how would its ocean make waves? how would it find coolness from the sun in shade? and if by stillness surrounded or evaporated in heat unabated, just how long would life survive on this earth, beyond mere shadow of what once existed?

in my mind, her face i can see, the echoes of her voice i hear, oh Rabb, i beg of You to complete for me what this blind man as yet could not have near, her painting brought to life, in Your highest Garden, for those who tried to persevere. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

can't ruminate on all the disappointments, have to let them go as quick as they come, like the flotsam of the sea, need to wait for it to dissipate, perhaps reach the pure water of the open ocean, holding in it what it is i seek. i don't know how to think of a gift that reaches my tongue as salt, a sweetness i found evaporated and replaced by a bitter taste that my sense of irony by now has grown fond of. i wish there were more understanding of people, than simply selfish need, or is selfless love so rare, that all we can do is consider it the scarcity of a dream? i once thought it was nice to be needed, then i reflected on how amazing it was to be loved, but what if those two things, need and love, were different spokes on the wheel of life, not the flip sides of a coin i thought them to be?

i have no answers to such trains of thought, my tracks are woefully short these days, long-term planning put to bed by what might be running in my cells totally side-ways, even yet i may reach for the melatonin, as tired and ready to sleep on occasion as i may have been, the beauty of deep sleep calling me to forget the questions my nature dives in. 

 at the very least, if my Moon can shine, if anything of life might evoke her smile, then of answers i have no need, for in that glow, exists the essence of all i hope to find, iA.