بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wish i knew what to say, wish the words would come to me. 

wish my world didn't feel 

like it's falling apart 

at every seam.

maybe i could call this sadness, but don't really have the syllables for that. at this rate, can't see any of the path that leads me to my End, how is it then, that i would find your arms for the first time, find my heart restored to rightful place, when i'm dissipating from within? how would He make me worthy, if my flesh falls to pieces, and i fail the tests He puts forth, each of them as vast as my old abyss? 

Rabb, what words are there in speech for me to utter, that would ensure i find her at my journey's conclusion? Rabb, i am so completely blind, there is no future these old eyes can see, my present has obscured all my reason, stolen it feels all hope from me. i have not asked 'why', it does not bother me, but i must state for this record, how shallow i've become, how devoid of worldly meaning. my sole lament, same as the one i have always known in life, to be deprived of her hand when it matters most, when there would be so much her i wish to show. i can never be worthy of Firdaus, but even when this road is clouded, then where is there for me to go? i fear this falling short, of both worldly aims a husband must claim, and also of otherworldly goals that only touch upon the highest of Abodes. i've oft been splintered, shattered, molten, scattered, broken, agonizing, yet still a slave in garb he sometimes cannot recognize as his, a stranger in that same skin. 

Rabb, protect them from my pain, from me, from my absence, from my simply withering into the ether that i've always seemed. and especially her, my Moon, the best and strongest part of all i've ever been, the part that forces blood to all my organs, the heart without which i could not live. 

ameen