أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It's so strange, the kinds of things people can say when they learn how close mortality is to themselves or someone they apparently love. This summer, I heard from my Gift words she'd never said before, phrases and concepts she'd never expressed or even hinted at acknowledging such things existed for her. Surprise, surprise?

"I'm the lucky one to have you"

^One of the handful of truly remarkable hyperboles she's used. I have made known a few times of the level of disappointment and contradiction experienced since we married, but much has not been conveyed here. Those reflections and unfathomables are only for me, and not for anyone else to know or understand.

But of what she said above, lead me to think of my own fortune. Where is it for me, how far off, of all that I have sought and seek. I hate this path of apartness with a hatred whose depth is suited to me. But still I would not change what has happened, nor the goal itself. Though, were it possible for me to blink and have finished living to the end of my time, I would take that chance in a heartbeat. But He denies me this, as He denies me from much. That is what it is, clear the distinction between slave and Master. It seems so often I am left with the salty irony to swallow, not least of all a Gift that keeps on taking (as opposed to giving). Well, I did state once that I'd take in all the salt of the earth and its oceans if it meant uniting with my beloved for Eternity. As if my qadr would rub all of the salt that could exist, into wounds no eye can see, such is how it often comes to pass in my case. 

At some moments in life I lose all sense of 'contentment', what it means, or if such a thing can even exist. These days are perpetual trials, wrapped up one after the other, with layers upon layers of absence and distance. Freedom from treatment comes soon. I should be looking forward to that, but it pales in light of who I'm missing. Curious, how every year of my life, every test, all of them, underscored by whom I cannot have close to me. Only one thing I can say...That is the qadr of Allah and He does whatever He wills