Commentary on my lights

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

of the Moon, my Muse

some might think, given the way i've written, you're my angel in disguise, a being borne out of light and perfection, but that's not quite accurate a representation: ever since back when we were kids, you beheld my imperfections and flaws just as i saw yours, but like the apex of the lesson you taught me - acceptance is the beginning of Love, and its penultimate aim. never worry about a thing when it comes to you in me, forgetting isn't my DNA, for He gave me the remembrances of one who loved and lost and kept loving onward, growing from every Autumn's falling leaves the next branches to my tree, so that when our eternal Spring arrives, you'll see how you've grown into my being. 

of the Gemini, my Twin

of this past summer, it was only a picture, but those crystalline orbs i once spoke of, they encapsulated some measure of inconceivability, teasing and inviting, taunting and softly amusing, truthfully a mirror to which i'd give form had i only eyes as beautiful. though i can't say what chances He will have this life give me, or what efforts i may make if time and His permission coalesce, i can't fathom any slave who could have more than what He's let me taste and envision, for i felt myself already fulled with ambition, until your memory revived into reality and became a substance reaffirming, a steeled will that would have me seek forever everything from Him, regardless my mistakes or slips or absences cascading - such is the cake's icing when it embraces the surface along with every layer there is.

 

~

 

who gets such gems in his sky as ideals and goals to chase? how is it even a thing? never could have deserved such beauty, but alhamdulillah to infinity, such sparkling lights keep my brightness ever tempered and reminded, not simply to have such completion for the self, but in your hearts to have such roots deeply taken.

Opening Eyes, or a Clearer Sky

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

last night, in a clear sky, saw only a sliver, only a piece, but enough to relish my Moon's shine, drink it in like a reminder life makes me wait to breathe. sine waves are supposed to have their occasional peaks, and some days come, alhamdulillah, where He lets me find a trickling, miniature waterfall of peace, but i don't mind its diminution, or the price paid to continue my being. no matter what this dunya projects or tempts or taunts or rejects, my role remains unified and whole: to carry the torch of my purpose, with as much decency and remembrance of my Creator's trials and mercy as i can sustain in each moment. the balance of this, never quite easy, not quite simple, but as the Twin could attest, those curves and those depths, i swear by Him Who made whatever comprises this chest...that, without question, holds within it company among the most glorious of objectives. 

for the coming days, need to rekindle my fajr's, be a bit brighter in constancy for my Gift, more reasons for her safety and ease, especially in matters of faith, seeing not just the present, but the Future and what awaits.

Surfaced

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

there must be more to someone than their surface, right? more to see than simply skin and flesh, more substance there to melt the candle they ignite? not sure what this question's answer is, how long He may make me wait to find, perhaps before then all my other facets fade, and remnants of the nafs are all that remain. so deeply contrasting, as if my Gift were cut of an altogether different cloth, with a dye that for my eyes is blinding, as i search innately for her depth, but the fabric bends my sight, causing me to miss, what should be apparent for the heart and apparent for the lips. resonance so absent, it's almost like this year had never happened, like i'd never glimpsed my brightest beacons, like i'd never felt a thing before now, as the blankness of the present consumes the parts of me she does not know in essence. how will my ocean fill, before it evaporates? from whence will emotion flow, to remind of what i chase? if in years past i'd been a machine, or zombie, or skeleton making do with movement, then now i am as simply paper, sliced from a tree of life, razor thinned, a cookie cleaned of its most creamy layer...still, i know i must live and strive for His Gourmet, as completion has no substitute, alongside my beloved - the filling and the flame.

the Present of today

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Sometimes, the choice we make becomes us. Since the very seeds of the notion first knew their place in me decades ago, till their more recent refinement over the past few years, the path I chose has become something that carries within it, everything of myself. Every part of me has been subsumed by that choice, leaving no action outside of its intent. For clarity, I'm referring to my pursuit of akhirah and full reunification with my beloved. It's been the only matter of true substance this dunya has ever shown, ironically enough as something it itself wasn't built to contain but point to a container (Jannah) that could. In many ways, I've also noticed the choice choosing me. My Rabb has the most unimaginably subtle ways of catering tests specifically, purposefully-tailored to each of His slaves, not to mention their accompanying ironies that often leave me shaking my head in bewilderment. But He knows what I am, having made me from before I ever drew breath. Alhamdulillah, I can take a great deal of solace in having Him behind me and whatever meager mortal efforts I've expended. 

My Gift is settled and settling in, and part of me has found its inner turmoil quelled (be grateful to Him, silly nafs). While full completion of my every facet is not a state fit for dunya, apparently given how complicated I am, partial peace is without question very welcome, alhamdulillah. These days I carry echoes of Tomorrow and the needs of today, each in a sort of sine wave of attention. Most quieter moments take me ahead, and ones with speech with those near tend to bring me more to the moment. 

 

I think my posts may be a bit more occasional and not as frequent as this summer and the past few years, but hopefully iA my beloved always find their arrow pointing them forward. 

 

 ~

 

For now, a resonant wave to the Gemini:

among my most precious aims - to be the chimney to your flame, draw away the darkness and the smoke, so breath is yours to breathe, leaving your fire pure and unrestrained. wish i knew how He'll draw the map of your destiny, so my twin was never left unknowing, or in amazement or disbelief, but i trust that He will never let you go, composing every puzzle to your pieces, until they're united and made whole. be cognizant, oh twin, this air our lungs inhale is not free to take, for it merits recognition of blessing, from our smallest cells, to the largest parts of ourselves that may not yet have filled us. for what reward is there for good, except good? 

a zoom link, and Tomorrow

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Life is something else. A year with various kinds of challenges, hand in hand with an ultimate goal made perfectly expansive and fitting. Lots felt lately, much of it overcoming realizations and déjà vu of the worst type, but hey. I told my Rabb I'd go through anything to be granted my aim. Seems like He'll see what I'm made of, over and over again.

 

In any case, the walima was moved (due to weather concerns) to this Saturday 10/3 at 7pm EST. I decided to post a Zoom link here, and potentially have my beloved and kindred join in if they can:

 

(may be able put up recording here later iA)

http://bit.ly/yhwalima

 

As crazy as it sounds, I wish a precious few could attend in person. Obviously an excuse to see them, of course. But if there's any people in this life I'd share with or want to give every joy I could, it'd be my Moon and my Gemini. This dunya does what it do though. I wish we could bask in the grandeur you inspire me toward, together, but this seems to be a thing waited for. Alhamdulillah tho, from start to finish.

I hope some day in the near future, a beacon reaches out with some special news, or even to see how the weather is in my part of the world. While 'constantly' and 'too often' probably aren't good, there's nothing quite like the reassurance one feels when knowing how one's beloved fare in life. Alas, even and especially this, I have to leave up to my Rabb to determine if and when.

 

Change comes for me. The scope of which...I dunno if words can encompass. Trials too. Lots of trials. It is, I suppose, the hope that the momentary joys can help buffer against the difficulties. InshaAllah. For a final word here, I would make mention of gratitude. First, that He let me hear from you, and second, for you reaching out, reaching back to me. These gifts, remind me of feeling like the luckiest slave who ever lived. Alhamdulillah :)