a moment Momentous

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

There are some rare moments in life, where what happens has to be recorded for the record, for future reflection. Such moments are to be treasured, for all the mix of emotions they capture.

 

So yesterday, my Gift spoke to me of myself, describing me in a way that showed, at long last it seems, how she'd received the broadcasting of the soul I've been doing since the day we met. One of the phrases she used, "you are love." Mmm, alhamdulillah...imagine telling an idealist/dreamer/lover that he has, in fact, been able to manifest some piece of the beautiful objective he chases. This is...pretty cool mA. And the other piece, perhaps a tidbit to firmly tie together our paths in this life, "I will never find anyone better than you" 😊 aha! Not much for me to add, except that I ask my Rabb to make these statements truer than even my Gift can know, for ever and always, ameen.

She knows my goal, the overall canvas of my aims, with some strokes broad and some strokes fine, and accepted she has, that all I am is chasing this goal. If my Rabb decided, Allah forbid, to strip me of everything in this life, it would be fine so long as He did not take away from me my penultimate dream. But, there's no question in my mind that I've only been able to make it as far as I have, more or less intact, because of all the blessings and mercies He's gently rained on me since before I was old enough to know. If it is ever my choice, I would never seek to be deprived of all He gives. There is much that happens in life to reinforce the knowledge to a slave that he is a slave...but when it comes to acknowledgement of slavehood being only to Allah...then this is where the notion loses all connotation of negativity, but rather gets instilled with the strongest, deepest sense of rightness that could possibly be. But yeah, bit of a sidetrack there. What can I say though, a moment comes in this life that I did not think I would ever be able to relish here, thinking that my akhirah would be the first place for such fruition to manifest. Alhamdulillah, always. The trials will not cease, prayers pull on me to make them, and in the back of the mind, the soft, recurrent echoes of my Tomorrow call me to them...oh Rabb, join us Then, ameen.

this is a Gift?

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

jokingly she says, "I don't need your love", but she's already got it, coming on a train heading one way, one direction, forward, the Future, that cake still waiting, baking to perfection, but this layer, this Gift from lands previously unknown...she's my ghost, I'm her halloween, put together for this life's endless series of tests, she haunts my town (of possibilities) while i'm marked on her calendar (of ambitions), such interestingly strange a combination of opposites juxtaposed and challenged to mesh and hold onto His rope, while the ocean shudders at times in joy and at times in agonies unabated. 

~

so much for one to learn, could have almost wished to stay ignorant, be blissfully absent the knowledge of consequences, but i cannot, i must not. the only road i have, the only road i seek, the one that gives me a chance at Eternity, embraced by my beloved, needing me as i need them, vanishing the notions of 'give and take', as we dissolve into the ocean we wish no return from. oh Allah, Rabb of my existence and my everything, take care of the beautiful shining lights in my sky You brought to my vision, preserve them whole, let us know both peace in this life, alongside serenity and ecstasy everlasting, ameen.

living, onwards, till Then iA.

for freer winds

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 even absent leaves, my birds still come around, even when it's freezing, taking in their seeds. wish so often i could join them, grow wings rather than legs, let the sky be my playground instead of earth which keeps me grounded. this world and its affairs, so much for which to take care...only seem to pile up higher, the price of a path chosen, overcoming being alone, even if not quite complete while inside of 'together'. parts of me i cannot yet share, like my Moon once wrote, topics that cannot be delved, remaining beneath the surface, when ones near have not yet become the miners, sharing with us our treasure. oh God, were that i lived as bird, even if my aim became shallow as a branch, or nest, or leaf, the wind would then be my ally, and not merely passing breeze. the very nature of atmosphere would aid in giving lift, should any spot no longer be as welcoming, i'd simply open wings and find one that is.

i know the fate of this life, its purpose and its essence, but it is so dry a wafer, sometimes catching in my throat, and i rather not swallow all its price, of existing, but also of reaching for my Garden in earnest. where are the echoes of my beloved, who might know all my speech? even if their selves i cannot hold and inside their arms i cannot be held, i might wish to savor their reflections, and know this journey as one less restricting. but the cost...i know the cost is distance, and waiting, and trying ever onward, even in moments when all my self seems dissipating. 

forgive me ya Rabb. sometimes what tries to glitter, i can't give even the merest recognition that it might be gold (like, the dunya).

2020

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

SubhanaAllah, what a year. In it, some of my hardest moments and some of my most cherished memories. Without a doubt, it surpasses in trial and magnitude of unforgettableness any other time I've known. How would I summarize it? Not sure, but for awhile, there were two particular blessings my Rabb allowed me to have for my hardest trial. For much of the first half of 2020, He permitted my Moon to shine brighter than ever, granting me a vision of Tomorrow to help sustain my journey. But He was not finished with what He'd have me see: for much of the middle and latter half of the year, He allowed me to know again my Twin, strengthening and brightening my ultimate goal into shades I did not know light could possess. 

If two such gifts were not enough, finally, at long last after months and months of wait, He permitted my Gift to arrive in the States and be embraced. To be sure, chemo and relative solitude and distance from beloved all combined together as a hellish experience. But the khair and reinforcement of goodness and resolve...well worth the price. Alhamdulillah for always, but especially in a time like that, to not be bereft of hope for too long, to be able to be reminded in ways that both reflect the best of me and also inspire me to be better than I am. 

I would not give up my chase of Firdaus and my beacons no matter what He would have me face, and I have already committed to Him all that I am. What remains is to fulfill my covenant to my Rabb as often and best as I can, and keep well the ties of family and responsibility He would try me with. 

 There are many, many things felt but unsaid and unwritten of my beacons. My Gift slowly enters the deeper layers of the ocean, and I'm realizing the care I have to take when integrating my beloved in myself, as yet they know not much of one another and this dunya is what it is, though I am what I am too.

 A few of the thoughts that sprung to mind of late:

Lunar reflections - Being blocked sucks. But bi ithniAllah I think there is khair in this too, for the safety and focus of all.  My wish vis-à-vis my Moon is the same as ever, wanting to know how her orbit fares. As usual, my Rabb determines when this can be known and when it cannot. InshaAllah little dude is getting bigger and healthier with his sibling, and especially health for parents too. Though my ability to be close He has chosen to limit for now, never forget that my dua is behind you always iA.

Gemini echoes - Oh Twin. Alhamdulillah for you, and for waiting until the moment He permits me to hear from you again.  

 

~

 

All in all, I think what I have after the past year is more reasons for gratitude to my Creator and resilience towards my aim. I'd call that a win, alhamdulillah.