notes of the stranger

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

so often an island, even in the midst of family or friends, speech nearly like silence, bedazzling to the listeners, foreign to their language, watching their cliques and comraderies, semblances of belonging and acceptance that have nearly forever evaded me, brings me back these days to moments of my beloved, when He might let them near to my being. my Muse, that pinnacle of mortal acceptance, souls cut of the same cloth - wish i was clothed forever, but this life is not quite kind to the scarcely-dressed wayfarer. the timing is waiting, beyond a Door many duas beg Him to open and let me catch the scent of my Future so my senses might be sated, but sooner or later, iA. of expectancies and potential in this life, should He let me live so long and be of my self established, might i reach out my hand towards the constellation of Twins, there, in the sky it sits, waiting both to be bridged, and if breath and His permission are mine, then so there is my flight, even as crazily as ideas in the mind may fit. this possibility, it's one of two reasons my spark in this life might choose to shine a bit farther, (the other being, if He gifted me with a daughter - for her would i, the misanthrope, choose to remain in life a bit longer, until she was settled and safe and fully embraced and protected from fate as only could be done by a lover and father). perhaps both reasons might find their expression, for doesn't a man have two hands, maybe He might grant me both reasons? for living and breathing and just myself being...i would love that, embrace it, inhale the consequences and relish their fragrance, beauty and beloved: the most wonderful pair of words that could be written, onward goes my journey, as He insists, seeking i some sparks to keep this ocean molten, my candle always lit.

couldnts and can

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

can't tell how you're doing, can't know how your road turns, dunno how winding it might go, not sure if your hand is yet mine, but like the wind - it's a truth He owns. some days imagine your embrace, the things that you might say, how gazing in those orbs...would be like my life has opened all its doors, like my journey just begun, like everything i'm waiting for, He's wrapped inside your flesh and soul. 

but i can wait, patient and with prayer, pleas that He never lets you falter, that He opens you back up to Him, like the light you showed me when we were younger. you're not ever lost, so long as you can blink and be reminded, of favors long shown, upon your being He's showered, since the day of your birth, and the time He let me know you existed. the inabilities of a slave, to affect and preserve his beloved, perhaps one of the most tormenting of states, but submission to his Maker, in reality the only forward path, in this life of winding deja vu's and changes. if you reach for the skies, its Heavens, i promise they'll reach back for you, overwhelming with His blessings, just takes a single step, then another, before Eternity brings you its promise of forever.

reflections on being unreflected

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

A year or two back, my Muse once asked me, wasn't love something that we had to work on day by day? My first thought was, 'not at all, it flows as easy as breathing' - because I only compared it to what I knew of our struggle, how effortless was feeling but difficult the distance. Quickly I realized how important it was for her context, and thus I had to agree, love was something that took effort to keep, effort to sustain. 

 

With where I am now, my Gift having arrived and been almost a year since she did, I can say in retrospect, my Muse was absolutely right: love, for our daily relationships especially, takes effort and hard work to keep going. Being a goal and hope in one's mind is one thing, while living day to day with one is entirely different. Commonality and circumstance and history matter, for sure. And it's the consequence of these altogether that makes the struggle for continuity and perseverance all the more pronounced. As I often like to state, I haven't any regrets. Alhamdulillah for where my Creator brought me to, what He allowed me to have and learn and get to know of my beloved. 

Nowadays, I'm simply learning the truth of the price of sustaining a relationship that is, first and foremost, my exam in this life. That is the essence of this particular post. Sometimes my ocean has only stillness, and my Gift cannot make it melt (after having frozen it), and from that, I learned something else. Who I want to be, who I have to be for me to have even the remotest chance at what I ask of my Rabb, means doing what an idealist/dreamer/lover would do, regardless if nothing of the same emotion gets reflected back to me. And why should one do this, carry on the struggle almost one-directionally at the moments where it seems so solo? It's because we aren't trying to be that for another's sake, specifically...it's because to continually try and care and offer compassion and decency is what the slave who asks of Allah the highest Garden has committed to. Inside of that Garden is my reason, my beloved, where unification is both an objective and means to infinite possibilities. 

The blueprint of the soul has not changed. It's quite the same tapestry, getting more expansive though, with every moment kept apart from me. 

~~~~~

 

 

Another piece of my puzzle once said, "if I could flip a switch for you, I would". That was a pretty cool thought, for a species as intense as we are. Along that line, I don't know if this particular puzzle piece would be as crazy as I, to dream my dream with me, as me, as Us. Is one's declaration of emotion enough to precipitate the same in another? Perhaps it is the snowball to begin the eventual avalanche of being embraced? I hope this is the case, but in truth, I reach for my Gemini regardless, to have her diving sooner or later, because in those depths is freedom, a gate to the Sky, where my beloved let go of every weight and stress and just soar. Endlessly, until they feel like landing. And for that, there's food and drink and company of every kind of immense caliber to enjoy. Yeah, somehow, in writing like this, I've found myself again, alhamdulillah, not where I was at the start of these words. To keep reaching, pushing pleading pulling calling hoping, for somewhere higher, better, best. And who to have with me, except firstly my beloved?

 

 

simply Resultant

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

it was scarce a moment, as long as the door He let opened, to remain so, and the Sunset (or was it Sunrise? couldn't tell which direction that sun was going, maybe 'twas both, at the same time), graced his eyes, reminders and echos and beckoning, of Tomorrows linked endlessly together, where inside each and every second, would i have you relish the fruit of your patience. i would have loved to simply see, to have that window open, ever so often let the fresh air of some picture shared, be enough as my fuel for that instant...but i know not what He intends, how it might be better as your test, to make the wiser, harder choice, though your Future awaits at this life's end. shine, my Moon, as brightly or as quiet, as it's better for you destined, clouds cannot dim my aim nor the shine of my beacon, closest to earth, enveloped in my core, part of how He keeps my ocean moving.

Horizon

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

[ alhamdulillah, she's consented, being fully content with the sum of all i might write or publish in short or at length, slowly wading deeper down into the ocean's depths, breathing it all in ]

 

~

 

just as he glanced, as he did every so often, at a list waiting to be updated, a list of people far and close, waiting to find one not so much distant...within that moment, He chose, to frame with the seconds stopped at the traffic light, the return of one's Sunset, ever beautified by purpose, and then was he reminded, how a beating heart could live inside another's chest, and truly call it 'Home'. 

don't need no words, no danger, don't have to walk through doors to test of us our mettle, this silence, dignified and measured, is truly simply fine, perfect, enough to know one lives, and so the Sunrise will one Day iA reach its Sunset.

😊

a glance at now, and ever Tomorrow

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

what a pair of opposites, like we arose from dimensions altogether different, one is preference at the surface while the other longs for reaching depth, could not complain one bit, as He was the One Who brought together this. His tests go farther than these eyes can scope, at times life seems oversaturated by shallowness, and so absence tries to tear apart the hope,...but it cannot, for though He tests me with darkness or blindness or distance, it's still He Who brings back light to reach beneath my eyelids. haven't forgotten for a second, what mean and meant my beacons, beloved, named ones these days i try not to name too much, keeping layers of the self just a tad apart, so they don't prematurely mix. yet, i swear it, by the One Who brought together my eyes with ones they long for me to savor, one Day those lights will mix: combine, shine not apart or in-prismed, but rather as constellations beaming near in the night sky, with my arms wide enough to hold them.......iA may He make it always so.

a reason for her Smile

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

it was a simple moment, nothing special on the surface, me walking through the door, as she looks up and smiles, and there it was, preserved in the history of mine: being a reason for her happiness, simply in being, for as long as He gave me time. i could speak of the cost, of the unrequited waves i'd emanated since our beginning, of enduring the absences and distance and misunderstandings, but...no words would suffice the pain or the price, nor could words ever encompass the meaning of glory at her full dive into an ocean that for her had long been waiting. alhamdulillah, often these days hamd of my Rabb becomes a difficult enterprise, when life shows me His tests, and i know the weight of the goal on my soul, the weight on the mind, and truly the respite is His, embedded in His Gift. though my sky has so many clouds, hiding the beacons He made with what He enshrouds, their light He still let shines, through memory and hope intermixing within my core, the fuel of a vision in that Garden: where my dreams come to Life.