reflections on being unreflected

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

A year or two back, my Muse once asked me, wasn't love something that we had to work on day by day? My first thought was, 'not at all, it flows as easy as breathing' - because I only compared it to what I knew of our struggle, how effortless was feeling but difficult the distance. Quickly I realized how important it was for her context, and thus I had to agree, love was something that took effort to keep, effort to sustain. 

 

With where I am now, my Gift having arrived and been almost a year since she did, I can say in retrospect, my Muse was absolutely right: love, for our daily relationships especially, takes effort and hard work to keep going. Being a goal and hope in one's mind is one thing, while living day to day with one is entirely different. Commonality and circumstance and history matter, for sure. And it's the consequence of these altogether that makes the struggle for continuity and perseverance all the more pronounced. As I often like to state, I haven't any regrets. Alhamdulillah for where my Creator brought me to, what He allowed me to have and learn and get to know of my beloved. 

Nowadays, I'm simply learning the truth of the price of sustaining a relationship that is, first and foremost, my exam in this life. That is the essence of this particular post. Sometimes my ocean has only stillness, and my Gift cannot make it melt (after having frozen it), and from that, I learned something else. Who I want to be, who I have to be for me to have even the remotest chance at what I ask of my Rabb, means doing what an idealist/dreamer/lover would do, regardless if nothing of the same emotion gets reflected back to me. And why should one do this, carry on the struggle almost one-directionally at the moments where it seems so solo? It's because we aren't trying to be that for another's sake, specifically...it's because to continually try and care and offer compassion and decency is what the slave who asks of Allah the highest Garden has committed to. Inside of that Garden is my reason, my beloved, where unification is both an objective and means to infinite possibilities. 

The blueprint of the soul has not changed. It's quite the same tapestry, getting more expansive though, with every moment kept apart from me. 

~~~~~

 

 

Another piece of my puzzle once said, "if I could flip a switch for you, I would". That was a pretty cool thought, for a species as intense as we are. Along that line, I don't know if this particular puzzle piece would be as crazy as I, to dream my dream with me, as me, as Us. Is one's declaration of emotion enough to precipitate the same in another? Perhaps it is the snowball to begin the eventual avalanche of being embraced? I hope this is the case, but in truth, I reach for my Gemini regardless, to have her diving sooner or later, because in those depths is freedom, a gate to the Sky, where my beloved let go of every weight and stress and just soar. Endlessly, until they feel like landing. And for that, there's food and drink and company of every kind of immense caliber to enjoy. Yeah, somehow, in writing like this, I've found myself again, alhamdulillah, not where I was at the start of these words. To keep reaching, pushing pleading pulling calling hoping, for somewhere higher, better, best. And who to have with me, except firstly my beloved?