Clouded Spark

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

not quite lost, rather just a little shrouded, we know this as part of life's cycle, ever turning especially into arcs that we've oft despised. how i see it, every heartache and shatter, only turned me into fertile ground for whatever He brought forth in terms of my next chapter, so i ceased trying to grasp or determine if an event was better or worse, and instead just wrapped it all up into the trials of life that He chose for me to traverse. i swear by my Maker, i've long felt those same shards of which you speak (technically, wrote), i know every strand of wishing for dissolution of the self, being free of life's vicissitudes, its shackles, its disappointments and agonies, i wish i could relate to you how often over my lifespan, how deeply i'd desire to be free,...but He never let me, always kept me, tied to the strings eventually trailing to my beloved and a purpose in unification that says to this world, "fuck you, you will never have me, you have never been nor could you ever be enough, so this is why His Jannah is better than you, and that is what i will chase". this life is a fucking travesty of truth, tantalizing us with its potential that it never lives up to, our minds pulling strings in taunting our thoughts in directions too remote, perhaps something He had not willed, trying to delude us into thinking it is truly what we want to be fulfilled. 

 

but, this life cannot sate us, rather it's the fading promise of a dying tree, showing us that it has shade but soon enough it'll lose all of its leaves, offering then no protection to the ones who sought shelter beneath all of its deceit.

 

~

 

pain, a hollowed feeling, the color gray predominating thoughts, loss becoming the lens of one's sight...all of these are part of your challenge my Muse. they tell us we have to let ourselves grieve, to release the emotion in as decent means as possible, to be forgiving to yourself for something you never had control of. 

 

hope, passion, desire, direction, all of these will find their way back to you iA. it will take time and patience and trust/acceptance of His qadr. i've never quite considered myself in terms of being "trusting" in my Rabb, but rather it is submission and acceptance that is most suited to and suitable for the slave towards one's Creator. that is just how it is. without Allah, i am nothing and could find nothing worth meaning. with Him, i would survive my self, this life, and anything else He would have me go through. for dunya, this knowledge is enough.