- in the name of Allah -
It's strange sometimes, to see one's self inside a set of pixels, a picture not even mine but still it's as if 'me' is scattered somewhere, everywhere, inside of it. Trying to grasp meaning, somehow I am reflected within shades of the red.
I've found many little pricks on this road of life, pricks from thorns found in places all along the path, except in these pixels. Little parts leak out of me, trickles and streams of a different kind of red, reminding what the journey is all about.
There are no laments for this pain, no laments of things behind, just hope for what is still ahead. May Allah make firm my standing, my reaching for Him, my finding Him always near and pleased, ameen.
11.29.2016
11.28.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Just started Book 3 in WoT. It is amazing. Similarly to ASoIaF, though with its own quirks. One of these days I may stop posting random quotes, but I doubt it; it just resonates deeply.
In not really relatedness, I regret not a step of the road I've been on in life, walhamdulillah. Sometimes one's own life can be seen in the semblance of a Pattern, with its own stylistic weaves and threads. Knowing where I am, where I've been, I would change nothing. If had not the past I have had, how else would shape the future that I seek of dreams in Firdaus?
“Just
because fate has chosen something for you instead of you choosing it
for yourself doesn’t mean it
has to be bad. Even if it’s something you are sure you would never
have chosen in a hundred years. ‘Better
ten days of love than years of regretting,’ ”
Just started Book 3 in WoT. It is amazing. Similarly to ASoIaF, though with its own quirks. One of these days I may stop posting random quotes, but I doubt it; it just resonates deeply.
In not really relatedness, I regret not a step of the road I've been on in life, walhamdulillah. Sometimes one's own life can be seen in the semblance of a Pattern, with its own stylistic weaves and threads. Knowing where I am, where I've been, I would change nothing. If had not the past I have had, how else would shape the future that I seek of dreams in Firdaus?
11.19.2016
11.18.2016
- in the name of Allah -
~~~~~
"a picture is worth a thousand words" - not even close
I couldn't even begin to count them, adding up all the words that trace their lineage somehow back to the k. it'd be like taking a tally of sand grains on a beach...that extended for miles as far as eyes could see. the impact of before's and after's, like comets that came from nowhere but landed everywhere and left their mark in the middle of me. from a break so complete I couldn't even recognize my own pieces, to a re-made mirror so perfect every light shined off it simply seamless: I've known sadness that warped into despair and swallowed whole, and I've known hope that became the brightest and best wings ever known. --- so I can say, having tasted both sides of the coin, bitter and sweet: "A Picture is Priceless, only when it's a colored-red dream".
~~~~~
Every so often I get an inkling to throw a pebble over this divide, see how far the ripples flow, get a sense of how times passes on the other side. I reckon if a few words could manifest themselves into such light and beauty, what then would something of length find? It could be a trap, Allah knows mistakes are easier to make when they're painted in all the right colors and shapes. 'Good intents' and all that, most likely. So I'll keep my pebbles here, by my side, building this mountain bit by bit, till I climb it with Allah's help all the way to Firdaus in Paradise. And when I find that gate, before the angel beckons salaam, around I'll glance for your visage, to crown it the diamond of my triumph's shade, and thus evolves dream from hope into simply true, to reignite the 'y' in 'you'.
~~~~~
"a picture is worth a thousand words" - not even close
I couldn't even begin to count them, adding up all the words that trace their lineage somehow back to the k. it'd be like taking a tally of sand grains on a beach...that extended for miles as far as eyes could see. the impact of before's and after's, like comets that came from nowhere but landed everywhere and left their mark in the middle of me. from a break so complete I couldn't even recognize my own pieces, to a re-made mirror so perfect every light shined off it simply seamless: I've known sadness that warped into despair and swallowed whole, and I've known hope that became the brightest and best wings ever known. --- so I can say, having tasted both sides of the coin, bitter and sweet: "A Picture is Priceless, only when it's a colored-red dream".
~~~~~
Every so often I get an inkling to throw a pebble over this divide, see how far the ripples flow, get a sense of how times passes on the other side. I reckon if a few words could manifest themselves into such light and beauty, what then would something of length find? It could be a trap, Allah knows mistakes are easier to make when they're painted in all the right colors and shapes. 'Good intents' and all that, most likely. So I'll keep my pebbles here, by my side, building this mountain bit by bit, till I climb it with Allah's help all the way to Firdaus in Paradise. And when I find that gate, before the angel beckons salaam, around I'll glance for your visage, to crown it the diamond of my triumph's shade, and thus evolves dream from hope into simply true, to reignite the 'y' in 'you'.
11.12.2016
- in the name of Allah -
My God, how beautiful this moon, how blessed I am to see things so far through. So round, so bright, water tears in falling, His bounty coming like rain I couldn't hold it all, gratitude pours forth a river all my life in making. My own efforts I swear they're but like ants or faded glass, ready to be crushed or shatter, at the tiniest push a house alone would never last. But He firms my foundation, reconciles my heart, patches the holes that my own infirmity starts. By God I wish I could give Him a speck of what He's given me, this light this road this everything I see, every angle every aspect doesn't matter where I look His gift encompasses, what do I show in turn? where does my response go? how can I repay, what I barely fathom, when I could never deserve any of it with my own deeds, my own futility shows itself and I wish I move toward Him ever close that even this sadness He conceals beneath the shade of thrones or trees. It's there, it's always been, Oh people passing through, God is calling, always He has, answer Him, His mercy, guidance, light, they're the best fruits of this life that otherwise is starved, unsated, never a moment but lies try to drown out truth. I envision the Garden, the place I hope to find, the bounty, the ridwaan from Allah, I have known no serenity more still, and I am one to embrace serenity as a rule. It is...guidance is, so utterly precious. My God, there is no comparison to submission. What it means to believe, to know one's place with respect to Allah, to know Allah's place over all else. Treasure belief, treasure it because we humanity are not the gift given to religion, it is the gift given for us. The second we think we are above it or need it not...so begins doom for the soul. And if the soul is lost, what else could there possibly be worth to gain?
My God, how beautiful this moon, how blessed I am to see things so far through. So round, so bright, water tears in falling, His bounty coming like rain I couldn't hold it all, gratitude pours forth a river all my life in making. My own efforts I swear they're but like ants or faded glass, ready to be crushed or shatter, at the tiniest push a house alone would never last. But He firms my foundation, reconciles my heart, patches the holes that my own infirmity starts. By God I wish I could give Him a speck of what He's given me, this light this road this everything I see, every angle every aspect doesn't matter where I look His gift encompasses, what do I show in turn? where does my response go? how can I repay, what I barely fathom, when I could never deserve any of it with my own deeds, my own futility shows itself and I wish I move toward Him ever close that even this sadness He conceals beneath the shade of thrones or trees. It's there, it's always been, Oh people passing through, God is calling, always He has, answer Him, His mercy, guidance, light, they're the best fruits of this life that otherwise is starved, unsated, never a moment but lies try to drown out truth. I envision the Garden, the place I hope to find, the bounty, the ridwaan from Allah, I have known no serenity more still, and I am one to embrace serenity as a rule. It is...guidance is, so utterly precious. My God, there is no comparison to submission. What it means to believe, to know one's place with respect to Allah, to know Allah's place over all else. Treasure belief, treasure it because we humanity are not the gift given to religion, it is the gift given for us. The second we think we are above it or need it not...so begins doom for the soul. And if the soul is lost, what else could there possibly be worth to gain?
- in the name of Allah -
Autumn is such a beautiful season alh. Officially and by far my favorite. A fond farewell to winter, loved it when I was younger but cold has a way of stifling that's just as bad practically as it is conceptually.
If I had to consider it, I would say it's the twin of spring. While the cold of winter contrasts perfectly with the heat of summer, the temperate though opposite nature of autumn and spring is something unique. They're alike in one hand, having much less extremity of temperature, yet flowing in different directions: one from death to life, the other of life fading to death.Truly it's the color that makes autumn what it is. Such a splendor mA, unmatched by any other time of year.
Wish I had something else to pen too, but every time I come back here and read some of my recent posts, I often find that what I want to say has already been said. It's like having a glass in hand and thinking it's empty and needs to be filled, yet when I pick it up and look inside the glass, the water's always full. True there is always some repetition of words and themes throughout my writing, but I can't recall a time where I've been 'expressed out' just by reading something recent. I'll just have to find something more to picture here iA.
Autumn is such a beautiful season alh. Officially and by far my favorite. A fond farewell to winter, loved it when I was younger but cold has a way of stifling that's just as bad practically as it is conceptually.
If I had to consider it, I would say it's the twin of spring. While the cold of winter contrasts perfectly with the heat of summer, the temperate though opposite nature of autumn and spring is something unique. They're alike in one hand, having much less extremity of temperature, yet flowing in different directions: one from death to life, the other of life fading to death.Truly it's the color that makes autumn what it is. Such a splendor mA, unmatched by any other time of year.
Wish I had something else to pen too, but every time I come back here and read some of my recent posts, I often find that what I want to say has already been said. It's like having a glass in hand and thinking it's empty and needs to be filled, yet when I pick it up and look inside the glass, the water's always full. True there is always some repetition of words and themes throughout my writing, but I can't recall a time where I've been 'expressed out' just by reading something recent. I'll just have to find something more to picture here iA.
11.03.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Ya komla: whenever clouds come, the kind without rain, hold fast in patience, don't let the moment pass in vain. when days turn to mush, and seconds mimic agony of eons, breathe, recall the gardens green and lush. when the tongue begs to speak its piece, in ways untoward or from harm, then remind it of its place, putting on its leash. wherever you walk, whoever you meet, take with you the best of what you find, and the rest just leave.
I still seek that eternity, the same I've always sought: one with our orbits close, where I've found with my Rabb, all which calms the heart.
Ya komla: whenever clouds come, the kind without rain, hold fast in patience, don't let the moment pass in vain. when days turn to mush, and seconds mimic agony of eons, breathe, recall the gardens green and lush. when the tongue begs to speak its piece, in ways untoward or from harm, then remind it of its place, putting on its leash. wherever you walk, whoever you meet, take with you the best of what you find, and the rest just leave.
I still seek that eternity, the same I've always sought: one with our orbits close, where I've found with my Rabb, all which calms the heart.
10.30.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Alhamdulillah. The stark contrasts and ironies of life sometimes just really weigh on a person. As I discern something uplifting, almost right next to it is its quantum twin, spinning in totally opposite direction. One force to rise, call higher, the other a chain to keep held down, weighted. It could be one necessitates the other, that life cannot really go forward without these polar opposites always tugging on one's will. It is the qadr of Allah after all, to create things in pairs and cycles, alternating ease and hardship, action and then reaction, growth and decay. Alh not unsatisfied with it, just something to marvel at.
_____
What if the thinker always thought but never dreamt, would he still be able to see what inside the heart was kept? what if wheels were spun without a car, would they mean as much if people could not travel far? what would the sun remain without the moon, would it leave the earth scorched with no shade to keep it cool?
Glad I am then, the thinker thought to dream, that his past is but a prologue, to shape from hope the best unseen. There's no U-turns on this road, no pauses or rewinds, forward is the only place worth going, with always memory in mind.
Alhamdulillah. The stark contrasts and ironies of life sometimes just really weigh on a person. As I discern something uplifting, almost right next to it is its quantum twin, spinning in totally opposite direction. One force to rise, call higher, the other a chain to keep held down, weighted. It could be one necessitates the other, that life cannot really go forward without these polar opposites always tugging on one's will. It is the qadr of Allah after all, to create things in pairs and cycles, alternating ease and hardship, action and then reaction, growth and decay. Alh not unsatisfied with it, just something to marvel at.
_____
What if the thinker always thought but never dreamt, would he still be able to see what inside the heart was kept? what if wheels were spun without a car, would they mean as much if people could not travel far? what would the sun remain without the moon, would it leave the earth scorched with no shade to keep it cool?
Glad I am then, the thinker thought to dream, that his past is but a prologue, to shape from hope the best unseen. There's no U-turns on this road, no pauses or rewinds, forward is the only place worth going, with always memory in mind.
10.22.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Yeah, words may be wind, but they're how submission (with the tongue) begins, paving the way for truth and other beautiful things to make their way within. A heart could never find its place if it was only fed with lies, words need their own purity, so we can tell what's really darkness from what's actually light. I know words without actions are worse than wind, rather more like snakes without eyes only emptiness seeking and emptiness is all they can bring. Among my hopes with Allah is that to write these occasional beacons, signposts guiding forward amidst any less than stellar moments.
There's no container that can hold what's behind my words, so to my Rabb they run always, pleading and hoping, fearing His wrath by distance (from me) that could easily rend me back to nothingness again without emotion or feeling. I'd walked so long in the abysses, known their allure of dementor's kisses, soulless pits they were, trying to ever be emptied of anything for all I found back then was only pain in meaning. So it was pain that made me keep on going, but Allah said after every hardship comes ease, and so it could just as well have been a nightmare I woke from to consider now a pleasant dream: finding Allah always once more, so I take as victory whatever path for me He has in store.
With words I hope to capture light in a bottle, cork it quick and hold it close for as long as I'm able. Whenever the present gets darker or dimmer, I'll see the ship inside with a little sun shining in the corner, brightening the skies, reminding me it's just a journey I'm taking to find her.
Yeah, words may be wind, but they're how submission (with the tongue) begins, paving the way for truth and other beautiful things to make their way within. A heart could never find its place if it was only fed with lies, words need their own purity, so we can tell what's really darkness from what's actually light. I know words without actions are worse than wind, rather more like snakes without eyes only emptiness seeking and emptiness is all they can bring. Among my hopes with Allah is that to write these occasional beacons, signposts guiding forward amidst any less than stellar moments.
There's no container that can hold what's behind my words, so to my Rabb they run always, pleading and hoping, fearing His wrath by distance (from me) that could easily rend me back to nothingness again without emotion or feeling. I'd walked so long in the abysses, known their allure of dementor's kisses, soulless pits they were, trying to ever be emptied of anything for all I found back then was only pain in meaning. So it was pain that made me keep on going, but Allah said after every hardship comes ease, and so it could just as well have been a nightmare I woke from to consider now a pleasant dream: finding Allah always once more, so I take as victory whatever path for me He has in store.
With words I hope to capture light in a bottle, cork it quick and hold it close for as long as I'm able. Whenever the present gets darker or dimmer, I'll see the ship inside with a little sun shining in the corner, brightening the skies, reminding me it's just a journey I'm taking to find her.
10.16.2016
- in the name of Allah -
If had a choice between having what I wanted most in dunya or in akhirah, there is no question what I would pick: akhirah, in Firdaus, every. single. time.
By Allah it's amazing this personal reality I didn't fathom till now. The way I am, the way I look at things, the way the soul has always leaned, the answer to one of my history's most enduring puzzles literally feels like it just fell right into place. Surprising given that I'd already accepted and faced what Allah had decreed regardless, but this sort of retrospective in a moment in time where it only adds toward wanting to find my Rabb...is incomparable. To anything.
Allah knows what people don't, sees what people can't, understands beyond our tiny scope. What beautiful a thing it is, to be able to find my self in complete resonance with a post from 09/02/05. It's akin to being a character in a story and not knowing what the author has in store, but eventually learning of that somehow anyway, like an orbit coming full circle. Wow what a road that was. Long as heck it seemed, such frequent and deep shades of darkness and gloom. But seriously, it was all worth it. It is all worth it. It always was worth it. It will always be worth it. Whether we see it from in front or behind along the stream of time, is irrelevant. WaAllahi this road is worth every moment. To find Allah again like this, in a way I'd forgotten in a younger self, to see purpose linked with past now tied to future, shaping these very moments I write this.....I could not have reached a single bit of it alone, had Allah left me to my own devices. It just couldn't have been, not even in the slightest, if He didn't help me, didn't watch over my wandering nature in a way that defies imagining. Without Allah I would have floundered and kept floundering in a mess of my own making, so it's only fitting that all gratitude and every shukr belongs to Allah entirely. Though my objective remains steady as ever, my purpose is Allah, as it was always to be.
If had a choice between having what I wanted most in dunya or in akhirah, there is no question what I would pick: akhirah, in Firdaus, every. single. time.
By Allah it's amazing this personal reality I didn't fathom till now. The way I am, the way I look at things, the way the soul has always leaned, the answer to one of my history's most enduring puzzles literally feels like it just fell right into place. Surprising given that I'd already accepted and faced what Allah had decreed regardless, but this sort of retrospective in a moment in time where it only adds toward wanting to find my Rabb...is incomparable. To anything.
Allah knows what people don't, sees what people can't, understands beyond our tiny scope. What beautiful a thing it is, to be able to find my self in complete resonance with a post from 09/02/05. It's akin to being a character in a story and not knowing what the author has in store, but eventually learning of that somehow anyway, like an orbit coming full circle. Wow what a road that was. Long as heck it seemed, such frequent and deep shades of darkness and gloom. But seriously, it was all worth it. It is all worth it. It always was worth it. It will always be worth it. Whether we see it from in front or behind along the stream of time, is irrelevant. WaAllahi this road is worth every moment. To find Allah again like this, in a way I'd forgotten in a younger self, to see purpose linked with past now tied to future, shaping these very moments I write this.....I could not have reached a single bit of it alone, had Allah left me to my own devices. It just couldn't have been, not even in the slightest, if He didn't help me, didn't watch over my wandering nature in a way that defies imagining. Without Allah I would have floundered and kept floundering in a mess of my own making, so it's only fitting that all gratitude and every shukr belongs to Allah entirely. Though my objective remains steady as ever, my purpose is Allah, as it was always to be.
10.11.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Alhamdulillah. It's been a year since that day I looked outside at sunlight shining whitely. mA things have come so far in so little time. It never ceases to amaze me how cyclic and circuituitous life had been for me. What I sought I couldn't have, what I didn't want to seek was the way to go ahead. The layering of paradoxes in this is staggering. If I was me a year or two back, it would have only been something to add to the torment.
But with that first glance, and following steps after it, alhamdulillah things are brighter. Of the deepest ironies, in what I swear is a ever-growing list of them as I get older, the reason I could go look ahead was because of what had partly rooted me backwards in the first place. The transformation of the "past folly" into my "end-goal hope" sums it up entirely. How do I truly express gratitude for that nudge forward, for the ability to let go of the past in a way so complete I'd never felt lighter in my life? Alhamdulillah is the obvious answer, and it has been said and will continue to be said for long as I remain iA, but what about to the one who played her part, said what came to her though it came in pieces? No 'thank you' is enough (thank you, anyway), not even 'jazakAllah khair' approaches (jazakAllah khair, still) the depth of what it meant to me.
Though words fail, I guess I won't stop trying: When I reach for a star, I don't want to ever stop reaching, so long as I'm alive, so long as I'm breathing, it's a place I'm heading or a vision I'm seeing. Stay shining, always.
Alhamdulillah. It's been a year since that day I looked outside at sunlight shining whitely. mA things have come so far in so little time. It never ceases to amaze me how cyclic and circuituitous life had been for me. What I sought I couldn't have, what I didn't want to seek was the way to go ahead. The layering of paradoxes in this is staggering. If I was me a year or two back, it would have only been something to add to the torment.
But with that first glance, and following steps after it, alhamdulillah things are brighter. Of the deepest ironies, in what I swear is a ever-growing list of them as I get older, the reason I could go look ahead was because of what had partly rooted me backwards in the first place. The transformation of the "past folly" into my "end-goal hope" sums it up entirely. How do I truly express gratitude for that nudge forward, for the ability to let go of the past in a way so complete I'd never felt lighter in my life? Alhamdulillah is the obvious answer, and it has been said and will continue to be said for long as I remain iA, but what about to the one who played her part, said what came to her though it came in pieces? No 'thank you' is enough (thank you, anyway), not even 'jazakAllah khair' approaches (jazakAllah khair, still) the depth of what it meant to me.
Though words fail, I guess I won't stop trying: When I reach for a star, I don't want to ever stop reaching, so long as I'm alive, so long as I'm breathing, it's a place I'm heading or a vision I'm seeing. Stay shining, always.
10.08.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Risen - a counter to S. M.'s Fallen
10.8.2016
Heaven hath no need to bend, for my knees can do the same,
Tranquil grace to keep the head held up high, to cool the eyes its rain.
I'm finding the answers now, to questions long since spoken,
Beseeching my Rabb for company, to keep straight the road I've chosen.
Barely now I've begun trying my best, finding light in midst of every stress,
Free from distraction's fences, after hardships to relish the ease and rest.
True, once the pain was so great, once the price so high I'd paid,
I felt the whole road too twisted, so disllusion thrashed my soul in its wake.
Good intent indeed, the currency of fools, trying to spin from delusion truth,
A love too raw and young, a heart too untested even if still held true.
No doubt I'll carry always scars, wounds that took forever healing,
No doubt those glaciers etched their mark, to a point beyond reason or seeing.
But so much is this very moment worth, that to reach this point I'd run again,
In any direction needed, whether circles of marathons or ellipses of sprints.
Ad inifitum even, if that is what it took, if it were in fact my fate, to arc around the stars,
It'd matter not how long I had to wait, worth every second made, just to see the future from afar.
Redemption's always there for the seeking, a guidepost for the willing, a lifeline for the breathing,
Regardless what others might say, He alone decides to lift a soul from baseness into meaning.
As it is with all ships and seas, that which sinks can also find ways to float,
On journeys of tomorrow's breeze, desperate pleas abound, to hold onto always Allah's rope.
Risen - a counter to S. M.'s Fallen
10.8.2016
Heaven hath no need to bend, for my knees can do the same,
Tranquil grace to keep the head held up high, to cool the eyes its rain.
I'm finding the answers now, to questions long since spoken,
Beseeching my Rabb for company, to keep straight the road I've chosen.
Barely now I've begun trying my best, finding light in midst of every stress,
Free from distraction's fences, after hardships to relish the ease and rest.
True, once the pain was so great, once the price so high I'd paid,
I felt the whole road too twisted, so disllusion thrashed my soul in its wake.
Good intent indeed, the currency of fools, trying to spin from delusion truth,
A love too raw and young, a heart too untested even if still held true.
No doubt I'll carry always scars, wounds that took forever healing,
No doubt those glaciers etched their mark, to a point beyond reason or seeing.
But so much is this very moment worth, that to reach this point I'd run again,
In any direction needed, whether circles of marathons or ellipses of sprints.
Ad inifitum even, if that is what it took, if it were in fact my fate, to arc around the stars,
It'd matter not how long I had to wait, worth every second made, just to see the future from afar.
Redemption's always there for the seeking, a guidepost for the willing, a lifeline for the breathing,
Regardless what others might say, He alone decides to lift a soul from baseness into meaning.
As it is with all ships and seas, that which sinks can also find ways to float,
On journeys of tomorrow's breeze, desperate pleas abound, to hold onto always Allah's rope.
- in the name of Allah -
Alhamdulillah. It's always nice to be able to look back and say the parts of ourselves that we'd rather keep are still there, or have been found again. Definitely holds true for me mA. The recovery process took quite a while, but this road is totally worth it, not to mention trying to fix up some old patches in the ground I walked behind me is like the least I can do. Also alh seems like I can now be around people, learn of difficult aspects of their life and things probably better left unlearned, and not be phased by them in the least. the concern is there, but it doesn't hit me like a comet of disillusion anymore. it dissipates in the atmosphere or never even makes it that close to my being. the hope is iA I've finally understood how to separate knowing 'of people' from empathizing with their state so deeply it could drag me in with it. whatever advice or listening is there to be done, is gonna be there iA. but the pull of my own road and purpose appears strong enough biithniAllah that it isn't swayed by them much at all. it feels a bit like being cold-hearted lol, but I suppose that is the price of some level of emotional immunity to the unending stream of life's external issues and temperaments. there are limits to which knowledge we should/want to find in life, just try to navigate them as level-headed as possible iA.
Alhamdulillah. It's always nice to be able to look back and say the parts of ourselves that we'd rather keep are still there, or have been found again. Definitely holds true for me mA. The recovery process took quite a while, but this road is totally worth it, not to mention trying to fix up some old patches in the ground I walked behind me is like the least I can do. Also alh seems like I can now be around people, learn of difficult aspects of their life and things probably better left unlearned, and not be phased by them in the least. the concern is there, but it doesn't hit me like a comet of disillusion anymore. it dissipates in the atmosphere or never even makes it that close to my being. the hope is iA I've finally understood how to separate knowing 'of people' from empathizing with their state so deeply it could drag me in with it. whatever advice or listening is there to be done, is gonna be there iA. but the pull of my own road and purpose appears strong enough biithniAllah that it isn't swayed by them much at all. it feels a bit like being cold-hearted lol, but I suppose that is the price of some level of emotional immunity to the unending stream of life's external issues and temperaments. there are limits to which knowledge we should/want to find in life, just try to navigate them as level-headed as possible iA.
10.07.2016
- in the name Allah -
It took awhile, but 2/25's post is no longer published. Should have thought of that sooner as an alternative to deletion, but as usual I'm late to the party. Man, so late lol. All's good though alh. The castles being worked on in Firdaus kinda worth the wait. Speaking of things worth the wait, hopefully it was/is all yellow on the other side of the river too iA.
It took awhile, but 2/25's post is no longer published. Should have thought of that sooner as an alternative to deletion, but as usual I'm late to the party. Man, so late lol. All's good though alh. The castles being worked on in Firdaus kinda worth the wait. Speaking of things worth the wait, hopefully it was/is all yellow on the other side of the river too iA.
10.01.2016
- in the name of Allah -
/forward slash/
it doesn't matter how long I last, how many days fade to sand, blown away by winds of time, showing or hiding from me who I truly am. around every corner in my mind is a shade from the past carrying in her palm my future's hand. so long as the sap from this bark keeps bleeding, so long as these lungs still take in air, I'll keep on penning my words to ink, in hopes these paper planes help lift your soul ever higher There. there's no doubt I am a fool, juggling this balancing act between the heart and the rules, but this is the line I walk, trying to keep both today and tomorrow afloat while carving from eternity my eternal truth. and how could I walk such a path without thanking Allah in the first of places? He Who guides me back to His road all the times I stumble off witless and blind to what I own. the gift He gives is immense beyond all measure of pleasure or pain, reaching the core of things and giving strength to walk when of my self I'd rather let loose the dams and drown in pity's self-made waves. it was almost a year ago when I looked out my window at the sunlight shining whitely, beckoning then as it beckons still, as much purpose now as it is fulled to brim with hopes, tying me to submission's boat while travelling in the midst of stormy seas, an anchor for the soul so it might see Allah's promise in earnest known.
/
Alhamdulillah now a year older and life marches onward in its inevitable progress. It's been rainy the past few days, just my kinda weather.
/forward slash/
it doesn't matter how long I last, how many days fade to sand, blown away by winds of time, showing or hiding from me who I truly am. around every corner in my mind is a shade from the past carrying in her palm my future's hand. so long as the sap from this bark keeps bleeding, so long as these lungs still take in air, I'll keep on penning my words to ink, in hopes these paper planes help lift your soul ever higher There. there's no doubt I am a fool, juggling this balancing act between the heart and the rules, but this is the line I walk, trying to keep both today and tomorrow afloat while carving from eternity my eternal truth. and how could I walk such a path without thanking Allah in the first of places? He Who guides me back to His road all the times I stumble off witless and blind to what I own. the gift He gives is immense beyond all measure of pleasure or pain, reaching the core of things and giving strength to walk when of my self I'd rather let loose the dams and drown in pity's self-made waves. it was almost a year ago when I looked out my window at the sunlight shining whitely, beckoning then as it beckons still, as much purpose now as it is fulled to brim with hopes, tying me to submission's boat while travelling in the midst of stormy seas, an anchor for the soul so it might see Allah's promise in earnest known.
/
Alhamdulillah now a year older and life marches onward in its inevitable progress. It's been rainy the past few days, just my kinda weather.
9.26.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Alhamdulillah been a few weeks now, work progresses as normal. Routine, a step into normalcy, all positive things for the soul these days. Each day that passes is a little more proof I find of what I can be, existing within the realm of humanity far more than I ever have. I've learned to separate the basic essential need of a human being to work and have purpose from my old notions of resisting conformity. Honestly that perspective was nonsense, just another layer to my Defense Against the Worldly Arts (lol). Part of this existence we live in is about being able to survive that experience, and for me, to find niches where I can thrive and slowly exhale my vision from its shackles.
It's one of the primary ways I can prove not only to myself but to Allah the kind of substance that I am made of. He knows way better than me obviously, but for the kind of reward I want, for the loftiness His ridwaan encompasses, simple superficial adhering to moral principles won't cut it. Action has to be moulded out of that old ether, taking ideal and trying to manifest it as often as I can, as well as I can.
While my body walks the earth, my soul often finds itself gazing ahead. A best friend of mine asked me the other day, when I caught up with him after years of self-isolation, "is that enough?" as to my goals in the afterlife. Before I analyze the question, I have to marvel at how awesome it is to know people, who after mere minutes of talking can wipe away what seems like decades of absence in a heartbeat. How beautiful a brother's bond, when I had tried to let go of it for so long. mashaAllah. Back to the question, it is something that I will need to carry with me for as long as I live. It'll need to be asked, every so often, if only to challenge my inner self with enduring in a way it never has before, of retaining a vision that dunya consistently tries to evaporate. As with much these days, I'll turn to Allah and seek in the question and His 'ibada some certitude of my own direction, of the steps I want to take, of the end I want to find. For an immaterial person like me, I don't think there can be a more substantial goal than to find the like of what's already formed my core since before I was born. Trying to get back the Garden, like we knew it way way back when, iA.
Alhamdulillah been a few weeks now, work progresses as normal. Routine, a step into normalcy, all positive things for the soul these days. Each day that passes is a little more proof I find of what I can be, existing within the realm of humanity far more than I ever have. I've learned to separate the basic essential need of a human being to work and have purpose from my old notions of resisting conformity. Honestly that perspective was nonsense, just another layer to my Defense Against the Worldly Arts (lol). Part of this existence we live in is about being able to survive that experience, and for me, to find niches where I can thrive and slowly exhale my vision from its shackles.
It's one of the primary ways I can prove not only to myself but to Allah the kind of substance that I am made of. He knows way better than me obviously, but for the kind of reward I want, for the loftiness His ridwaan encompasses, simple superficial adhering to moral principles won't cut it. Action has to be moulded out of that old ether, taking ideal and trying to manifest it as often as I can, as well as I can.
While my body walks the earth, my soul often finds itself gazing ahead. A best friend of mine asked me the other day, when I caught up with him after years of self-isolation, "is that enough?" as to my goals in the afterlife. Before I analyze the question, I have to marvel at how awesome it is to know people, who after mere minutes of talking can wipe away what seems like decades of absence in a heartbeat. How beautiful a brother's bond, when I had tried to let go of it for so long. mashaAllah. Back to the question, it is something that I will need to carry with me for as long as I live. It'll need to be asked, every so often, if only to challenge my inner self with enduring in a way it never has before, of retaining a vision that dunya consistently tries to evaporate. As with much these days, I'll turn to Allah and seek in the question and His 'ibada some certitude of my own direction, of the steps I want to take, of the end I want to find. For an immaterial person like me, I don't think there can be a more substantial goal than to find the like of what's already formed my core since before I was born. Trying to get back the Garden, like we knew it way way back when, iA.
9.18.2016
- in the name of Allah -
by the Will of Allah...
..some day I'll find the earth beneath my grave, my home, cool and soft to touch what with all the deeds I gave. I'll look back on this long road I walked, how strange was its surface paved, to be so pebbled rough, revealing at last from thorns the rose I'd always sought. among the lessons learned, of that when blessings lost, to still push ever forward, despite that which left its mark; to seek not just for its own sake reward, but because Allah alone makes a path full and whole, a draft to rise in awe, ever skyward. so all I needed, all there was I found, His lift to take my wings, above and off that ground, like hearts in rhythmic beat, flying on, one a bit ahead but mine not far behind, until Firdaus gleamed beneath our feet.
Ameen, inshaAllah
by the Will of Allah...
..some day I'll find the earth beneath my grave, my home, cool and soft to touch what with all the deeds I gave. I'll look back on this long road I walked, how strange was its surface paved, to be so pebbled rough, revealing at last from thorns the rose I'd always sought. among the lessons learned, of that when blessings lost, to still push ever forward, despite that which left its mark; to seek not just for its own sake reward, but because Allah alone makes a path full and whole, a draft to rise in awe, ever skyward. so all I needed, all there was I found, His lift to take my wings, above and off that ground, like hearts in rhythmic beat, flying on, one a bit ahead but mine not far behind, until Firdaus gleamed beneath our feet.
Ameen, inshaAllah
9.12.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Alhamdulillah, what a beautiful Eid today. Among other things that I've been slowly reconstructing as of late, being at Eid was near top of the list. I can't recall how long it'd been since I felt the simple joy of it, though for sure having a good khateeb had a lot to do with that (3rd prayer ftw). Reminders all around, a bright sunny day to match one's inner hue. Really I can't say alhamdulillah enough times. I'm not normally one to carry an uplifting air, but when it's this beautiful and perfect of a day, there's no other choice but to resonate in kind. Got to the masjid early/on time, got out easy as pie, I don't think it's possible to script a better sequence of events than that alhamdulillah.
A big "Eid Mubarak!!" to all my homies in the streets [:
Alhamdulillah, what a beautiful Eid today. Among other things that I've been slowly reconstructing as of late, being at Eid was near top of the list. I can't recall how long it'd been since I felt the simple joy of it, though for sure having a good khateeb had a lot to do with that (3rd prayer ftw). Reminders all around, a bright sunny day to match one's inner hue. Really I can't say alhamdulillah enough times. I'm not normally one to carry an uplifting air, but when it's this beautiful and perfect of a day, there's no other choice but to resonate in kind. Got to the masjid early/on time, got out easy as pie, I don't think it's possible to script a better sequence of events than that alhamdulillah.
A big "Eid Mubarak!!" to all my homies in the streets [:
9.07.2016
- in the name of Allah -
contextual
some times, when I awa ken, some times, when I arise,
I might just see, the color red, fa ding through my eyes.
like I had no lids, saw from it all, just answers as I try.
no more wandering, an end to salty streams, with ducts un-dry.
Allah knows my staff, that all purpose use ful tool,
an aid of every nomad, extracting from this mirage, its truth.
my star burns not alone, nor to lost mass its orbit decayed,
its twin lives again: with blazing light shone, to the way back home.
contextual
some times, when I awa ken, some times, when I arise,
I might just see, the color red, fa ding through my eyes.
like I had no lids, saw from it all, just answers as I try.
no more wandering, an end to salty streams, with ducts un-dry.
Allah knows my staff, that all purpose use ful tool,
an aid of every nomad, extracting from this mirage, its truth.
my star burns not alone, nor to lost mass its orbit decayed,
its twin lives again: with blazing light shone, to the way back home.
9.03.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Alhamdulillah. Started a job few days ago, first time in a long time. There is a certain beauty and resolve that routine and purpose can create, it's really about time I embraced it. In doing so, trying to overcome my previous limitations, misconceptions. There is a road to be forged out of it, out of the grind and discipline and hustle. Firdaus won't be had so easily as I was taking it before, the path towards such a thing is filled with hardship and acceptance of difficult things. Subjugating one's nafs, making one's will like iron in the face of time and distance and any number of uncertainties that can arise. All of these are processes on the way I'm hoping to find Allah at the end of. So much for me to know from Him, so much to ask. There is a light here, in front of me. Has been there, probably even in my darkest moments over the decades, where I could see nothing else. The one who won't be named is always the one who will be sought, among the reasons and sources and essences of things looked forward to. I wouldn't be here otherwise, wouldn't have accepted otherwise, wouldn't have *wanted* anything otherwise. But Allah willed it so, and the path was made. Within every prayer, every nawafil, at the heart of every action there is a trace of the path inside it. An origin, a journey, a destination. Connecting all these, a knowledge that only by finding Allah and having Him pleased with me is the only way I will ever be whole. Shards and fragments once scattered are quite easy for Him to remake: kun, fa ya-kun. The simplicity that leads me to slavehood to Allah, I should have seen it from a gajillion miles away. But life distracts as easy as breath comes to the living. Alhamdulillah for having all these chances I have to notice this particular truth, again and again. May Allah let me not die except that I become a slave He loves, a slave whose wish He wants to fulfill, a slave who becomes worthy of His worship in the first place, ameen ya Rabb.
Alhamdulillah. Started a job few days ago, first time in a long time. There is a certain beauty and resolve that routine and purpose can create, it's really about time I embraced it. In doing so, trying to overcome my previous limitations, misconceptions. There is a road to be forged out of it, out of the grind and discipline and hustle. Firdaus won't be had so easily as I was taking it before, the path towards such a thing is filled with hardship and acceptance of difficult things. Subjugating one's nafs, making one's will like iron in the face of time and distance and any number of uncertainties that can arise. All of these are processes on the way I'm hoping to find Allah at the end of. So much for me to know from Him, so much to ask. There is a light here, in front of me. Has been there, probably even in my darkest moments over the decades, where I could see nothing else. The one who won't be named is always the one who will be sought, among the reasons and sources and essences of things looked forward to. I wouldn't be here otherwise, wouldn't have accepted otherwise, wouldn't have *wanted* anything otherwise. But Allah willed it so, and the path was made. Within every prayer, every nawafil, at the heart of every action there is a trace of the path inside it. An origin, a journey, a destination. Connecting all these, a knowledge that only by finding Allah and having Him pleased with me is the only way I will ever be whole. Shards and fragments once scattered are quite easy for Him to remake: kun, fa ya-kun. The simplicity that leads me to slavehood to Allah, I should have seen it from a gajillion miles away. But life distracts as easy as breath comes to the living. Alhamdulillah for having all these chances I have to notice this particular truth, again and again. May Allah let me not die except that I become a slave He loves, a slave whose wish He wants to fulfill, a slave who becomes worthy of His worship in the first place, ameen ya Rabb.
8.13.2016
- in the name of Allah -
sometimes echoes can be like scissors or storms, cutting aside indifferences and apathies to claim a crown no matter how far its been worn. sometimes the cuts are straight and at others jagged, sometimes the metal pulls the fabric so hard it runs the fiber ragged. sometimes the clouds carry hail and at other times rain, sometimes it softly pelts the skin so the message reaches the brain. my sum is but an echo trapt in amber, a waiting patient for his dua to find their answer.
sometimes echoes can be like scissors or storms, cutting aside indifferences and apathies to claim a crown no matter how far its been worn. sometimes the cuts are straight and at others jagged, sometimes the metal pulls the fabric so hard it runs the fiber ragged. sometimes the clouds carry hail and at other times rain, sometimes it softly pelts the skin so the message reaches the brain. my sum is but an echo trapt in amber, a waiting patient for his dua to find their answer.
8.05.2016
- in the name of Allah -
I cannot hold it, it cannot be held,
A coal without heat, a hand without help.
I cannot taste it, it has no flavor,
A fruit without seed, a sermon without savor.
I cannot see it, it escapes from sight,
A bulb without filament, a scope without light.
I cannot hear it, it cannot be heard,
A bird without song, a grief without word.
I cannot smell it, it cannot be inhaled,
A cinnamon without spice, an ocean without a sail.
Yet all senses kneel, to the heart & what's inside,
Known as Memory, that which outlives time.
I cannot hold it, it cannot be held,
A coal without heat, a hand without help.
I cannot taste it, it has no flavor,
A fruit without seed, a sermon without savor.
I cannot see it, it escapes from sight,
A bulb without filament, a scope without light.
I cannot hear it, it cannot be heard,
A bird without song, a grief without word.
I cannot smell it, it cannot be inhaled,
A cinnamon without spice, an ocean without a sail.
Yet all senses kneel, to the heart & what's inside,
Known as Memory, that which outlives time.
7.22.2016
- in the name of Allah -
words, my failing, an essence, opening, and caving, wandering, unsteadied, abated, yesterdays, tomorrows, glancing, poignant, pervading, incisive, gripless, unknowns, unsated.
Among the simplest questions that stay buzzing in my ears, welcome bees to honey neither worries nor fear, is just this single phrase, trying every so often a way to answer, playing on loop for all my days- how are you?
words, my failing, an essence, opening, and caving, wandering, unsteadied, abated, yesterdays, tomorrows, glancing, poignant, pervading, incisive, gripless, unknowns, unsated.
Among the simplest questions that stay buzzing in my ears, welcome bees to honey neither worries nor fear, is just this single phrase, trying every so often a way to answer, playing on loop for all my days- how are you?