بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Few things I've recently realized:

1. A major part of the insanity I felt during the previous month was because of the kind of interaction I had with a prior potential. It wasn't that I inherently was so forward or forceful, not entirely, but that I reflected also her nature and this amplified those aspects in myself. Being like a "hurricane" or "tornado" is how I'd perceived myself in love, but this was factually shortsighted; that was only how love was for me vis-à-vis that particular individual. If the one I'm with feels crazily and recklessly and unpredictably, then so too do I mirror that condition in myself. As I foresaw a future where I could care deeply for her, then I manifested love from that unborn state, a love rooted in its own shades of madness. Truly, this is what happens when the sensitivity of a heart is so high and it is exposed to something brazen and unrestrained and uncontrolled - it wants to fly and be in madness with it. Lol. No, I'd never known a state like this before, never known a person like that before. Lessons learned never cease to amaze me. Love is not a state of madness, even though part of me understands those aspects of it which defy logic and persist regardless of reason. Love, if unpurified, can quite easily become a disease to infect and pollute and destroy the better calling of a person's soul. And how to purify love? This is only possible if it reminds one of Allah, and submits itself to Him entirely. Otherwise, love becomes a tool for the self-serving, self-deluding nafs, always pulling one astray. 
2. How did I reach the truth behind #1? Because of my interaction with the current potential. Whereas the prior was a means of being enflamed and set ablaze, the present one has the completely opposite effect: calming and soothing while telling so much less about herself. Each step of interaction is a gradual one, any attempts I make, even accidentally, to speed things up get slowed down by her, purposefully and intently. Her psychological intuition and emotional intelligence appear immense, and the strength of character and purpose give her wisdom that leaps ahead of mine in moments I'd never expect. There is little unpredictability, even though I understand only aspects of who she is, details are still limited, many things I cannot yet know. She is up-front and hides behind nothing, except to place the due limits of reservation and modesty and decency in everything she says and does. Every time in life I think I have evolved or understood, I meet a person that makes me think I am so, so far behind. SubhanaAllah. And yet, even in seeing an impression of this potential, next to perfect so far as I can tell, there is no part of the heart that is jumping out of its chest to rush in loving her. It is as if these are the gradual steps people are supposed to take when getting to know someone, that things need not be rushed or forced or askew or vulgar or suggestive, but rather they can be open and honest and still fully inclusive of progress and understanding. Without a doubt, the nafs has not ended itself, it still struggles, but it too is beginning to grasp the kind of potential ideal this person encompasses - if the last one's future potential was amazing, the current one's potential appears fully actualized, right now,  to say absolutely nothing at all of what she may further evolve into going forward. Where does one find words to describe the tests and trials Allah places for us? The degrees of marvel are infinite. 

Interspersed with these reflections is the crystal clear realization that there is one, just one, thing that must absolutely be held on in life regardless of anything else that happens: submission to Allah. Whether if I find what I seek, whether it stays hidden from me, whether the heart breaks or is reformed, whether the sun shines or the rain falls, in all conditions I find myself in, just to be able to submit and remain in submission to Allah, this is the key to life itself. And interestingly enough, I reached this conclusion to clarify my chasing of qadr, especially consciously, one had better realize there is no other way than to always be in submission to Allah. For qadr is but what He decrees, and no matter if that decree is pleasing or displeasing to our limited understanding, the submission to Allah must persist throughout the moment, that our being pleased with Him must remain unaffected by the whims and transitory by-products of this life. How shallow would it be for those who consider themselves His slaves, to be only happy with Him if we are given what we want, but not happy with Him when He decrees for us something else? This is not like the matter of fair-weather fans for hometown teams, this is no game to toy around with in our relationship with Allah. The refuge of a believer has to be Him, always, in all states, whether with ample provision or with nothing but dust, the cognizance has to be that Allah matters most, that our submission, especially in sujood, remains prominent no matter the weather. It is true that we have to swallow difficult pills sometimes, that Allah decrees for us things which might cause sadness or pain or grief. But what is the purpose of all of these, if not to test which person's submission is most perfect? which person's claim to belief is most truthful? These things, I would love for myself to be. That regardless of what afflicts the heart from time to time, whether imagined pain or actual, I would choose submission and to remain so, for as long as I live on this earth. This is, perhaps, the most beautiful thing I can chase in this life, may Allah enable me to find it always, ameen.