بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It isn't often that we find all the answers we seek in life, but the latest series of questions I've come across are truly puzzling. What she wanted, what I'd pretty much always longed for, was there: a desire for physical intimacy to match the need of emotional closeness, resulting in an unfathomably beautiful connection that both combined and transcended any human conceptions of what bliss could be like. Who runs away from this? Isn't this the deeply held wish of every human being? Doesn't every person seek to be accepted for who they are without conditions attached? 

 What perplexes me is that I never asked for the same in return, didn't even expect it initially. My reasoning was simply that once a good heart finds this kind of receptive home, it does what comes naturally- reciprocates. Perhaps this was too presumptuous. I suppose not everyone recognizes the potential for love in what it can be, and so they try to boil it down in easy-to-recognize ways like physical intimacy that kind of bypass acknowledging internal emotional needs (which can be quite messy and complicated), just something to be expected from one who doesn't know.

But love is amazing. It is not a thing to be confined to what we can see with our eyes or do with our bodies, it is the ability to bring both the seen and the unseen aspects of the heart's longing and what the soul wishes for, all together in one relationship. I don't want simply pleasure for pleasure's sake, to be something that prevents from purity and making connections, but instead something that's found where it should be found, in marriage, with a wife who doesn't fear her own needs and wants being met even if she thinks she can't give the same in return. The smile and joy in my wife would suffice me for any acceptance from her I need. 

I have found this is definitely true: getting involved with me is like meeting a hurricane - there's only calm there once a person reaches my center. I wish this recent potential understood, there is nothing there to fear, nothing there to run away from. One's own insecurities mean nothing if another has accepted you, just be brave and open your own heart and self in return and find that which you sought most reach you. 

But it is true, as always, that Allah does as He wills. If He turns her heart away despite this, then that's alright as it's His decree is what I'm chasing and hoping to be a part of, that every situation I come across is something that lifts me closer towards Him, perhaps making me ever-so-slightly more worthy of His rahmah that I can never do without, ameen.

...And if He turns her heart towards this? Then with His permission I get to spend the rest of our lives bringing to life what I've painted in my mind, of pictures and scenes where the ideal becomes manifest reality. The most favorite part for me might be creating the anticipation for each following day, and not just in this life, but turning Jannah into a tangible goal for her, a place she wants to belong to because it was made to be sought after. 

InshaAllah :)