an overabundance of quiet

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

 

 

alhamdulillah my house is my home, but that isn't the place I've long been seeking. my goal, the only human answer to my human puzzle, awaits inside the chest of my beloved. that is it, that is the home i want to settle in to. where i can, by my Rabb's permission, finally, finally, finallly! be at true rest and ease. 

 

i am always reminded this dunya cannot be the fuel for my torch, that it can't sustain me. alhamdulillah tho, at various points through life, He has let me be visited by people....by ones..that i need. that without whom i would be full of nothingness. i can't say if it makes sense to others, when i describe myself as being comprised of my beacons. but it is so. in the presence of such a one, worries fall away into nothing, happiness comes as easily as opening the eyes and taking her inside my vision. that's all. but every other fucking part of this life is a weight to me (a few beloved bro's excluded, but i am fonder of my hearted ones:p), a weight that only my beloved free me of. don't ask me how that is the case, simply experiential knowledge proves it as such. 

 

alhamdulillah, the complaint is minor. i think. just silence, a multitude of quietude, overweighted with ignorance, like a sky at night with clouds, doubly layered of sight restrained. if it seems like something to push one close to madness....lol. i have long been no stranger to it. what can i say? it would have been nice (maybe) had He let me go crazy, perhaps then i'd have some excuse for my self. but nah. He keeps me sane too...just the visage is of insanity, some echoes inside the self i can't share, cannot let my beloved know how much i love them. 

 

~

 

how are you my Twin? safe and sound? is family well? if i knew that anything of what i've said or done had ever caused you to be silent...ya Rabb, please let this not be the case. let it be simply life busyifying one as it tends to. but if i spurred you to silence, i should wish to know, that my worry finds itself well-directed instead of unsated. bleh.

 

to know or not to know, that is the question. a question which only He may answer for me, and yet a slave should try to find contentment with whatever the answer may be.