an Ode for the Brokenhearted

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

if we found all our love and expectation, waiting within the grasp of our outstretched fingers,...while still we drew breath in this life of growing thorns and planted cinders,...how would our selves and our souls desire akhirah in its permanence, and seek to call that place as our destined Home? 

 

if our Rabb let our cups be fulled to brim, with every wish and longing that He hid in our DNA, then truly we'd never wanna leave here, truly we'd become as those whom this life has sated....and never look to find a brighter dawn because they were contented by the dimming light scattered across these meager days.

 

i do not say this as causation, that depth of loss and sorrow would directly bring His sanctuary closer to our fingers, but more of truth in correlation: the ones He breaks with His tests and catastrophes, are those He chooses to have brought closest to His presence, closest to finding all they seek. let me demonstrate by way of example, the first of our nation, the beloved Messenger of Allah (saw), and speak to that of what he faced, what he lost, that which was torn and ripped and pulled from the fabric of his life = of his first wife, of multiple infants and those lost at birth, of losing his uncle and dearest relatives who supported him through his early phases of life, of grandsons and family members whose untimely and grisly ends his Rabb had informed him of, of being cast out by his own people for telling them the most necessary of all truths, of being ridiculed and chastised for being who he always was (the Truthful One, al-Amin), of being lied against despite wanting khair and goodness and decency for all he met, this man, the most beautiful of all creation his Rabb would ever make...how broken was he? Yet...the only reason this man survives, is because of the will and support of his Creator, because he was given a purpose, a message, a Book, and none should ever, EVER think...that these trials meant his Rabb loved him any less. quite the opposite. Allah knew His slave before the slave existed, even if it was His favorite, His most beloved, and truly, our Rabb ensured that His slave would know precisely the temporal nature of this life, when He showed him exactly what akhirah was, of its delights and bliss to make complete of the Messenger (saw) everything that this dunya would appeared to have broken...it did not, because his Rabb would raise him, refashion him, and grant him everything he had lost, and utterly more than that in completion and perfection. 

 

so, if in sum i would have it restated, that i think He made Paradise but as respite and repayment, only (or rather, mainly) for the ones brokenhearted, the ones who knew they were incomplete, and lived patiently with this knowledge, while not seeking to overcome its implications, not trying to subvert the truth of His qadr's imposition (a tricky thing to learn, balancing effort alongside the right moment and measure of submission), but the truth is, all of us will perish from this earth, one day, sooner or later, and the most important knowledge then, that we hoped to have practiced with our fingers - was that we expected this to come, the meeting of each of us - with our end, that our Rabb was Allah, our deen as Islam, and our prophet as Muhammad (saw).  

 

~

 

in all the years i've lived, for all the things i've written, i have often found beauty in my sadness. that is part of why i never let certain things go, why i took them, kept them in my memory so deeply that these things became part of my blood, flowing in my veins and providing impetus for me to overcome any trial He would have me face. one who has been given everything and lost nothing, has no reason to seek ascendance, no inner compulsion, no inner flame to help light the way. we have struggled, and will keep on doing so, long as He wills us to live. you are always loved, have always been and will be. why do you think He'd have me give you the title of, Love of All Lifetimes? :P 

 

ya Rabb, ease for my beloved her road, whether in closeness or distance, no matter the weather she must endure, protect her heart, keep it beating, for always and Ever, ameen. 

the flourish of 2021

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

how could the year be complete, without the boogeyman of these past two years finally getting a piece out of me too? so after 2020 being what it was, nearing now the end of 2021, covid finally caught me, in a fittingly ironic set of circumstances of course. last Wednesday night, my Gift and i plan to visit relatives out of state, first time for me. the next morning, last Thursday, my Gift wakes up to a fever and aches and totally sick. alhamdulillah she gets better in 3-5 days, predictably (and knowingly, willingly) in nearness to her, i get to too. some OTC antigen tests eventually show positive, and that's that. i get a forced week off of work, a variety of symptoms i'll never care to see again, and a small/truly mild reminder of the kind of tests awaiting in this life. been able to feel next to nothing, mind concocting minimally anything helpful, and just the general state of 'being sick' predominant. i wish there was a button i could press, to see the visage of my beloved in such moments. something in greenery or in the water and sand at a beach/shoreline, alas

moment

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

been a bit sick lately, for the first time in a long while. getting better tho alhamdulillah, just another bump in this exceedingly long road of life. last class is finito, degree is finito (alh!), and started some prep for a+ certification, eventually going for network/security+ certs too.

...

some days are more drained than others, smiles sticking to the surface and shallowness under the covers, no sadnesses or pain, simply absences persisting like daylight piercing through rain. often enough i lose energy to write, coming to this space, trying to recollect myself, when over the years it's seemed like i'm fading. think that i am, think that i have long been, evaporating, like a puddle that never quite found its ocean, so i stare up at the Sky, the only place of unity i can fathom, the only place freedom i can imagine, longing to be there, but grounded is the state i'm found in. i still need to write that Ode, the one for the brokenhearts, easy as pie to paint that picture, tell my beloved why: i think...Paradise is meant only for the ones who are broken, the ones who never took this life for themselves to be whole in, only for the ones constantly seeking, a recompense equivalent to the level of their feeling, and more. it's gonna sound like a tragedy, especially for the romantic, but i don't think it's truly tragic, simply one stage of this journey, most easily seen with various layers of difficulty, but ease is the sought-after ending, encompassed by my beloved, that's all that matters once we're done writing and living, iA

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

few different things cooking in the mind lately, some writings to come iA.

 

~

 

first is a piece to come, that i'll call "Ode for the Brokenhearted", plenty of timely reflections in it. lot of the things i write, maybe all of them, have often/always felt insufficient, inadequate to the task of conveying my message or living up to/reaching the ideal i chase. especially when it comes to you. i had to write 'Resolute' but i couldn't fathom how it might wrap itself around my Muse, truly being comfort and solace and strength like i wanted it to be. the post seemed to me as empty shallow words that could never capture and ease the pain of loss. but i had to write them and try anyway. alhamdulillah especially for you being in good hands, good company, things with fam and all going well, being there for you as they should be. if He could let me like the gentle breeze sometimes blowing across your face, i would be totally cool with that. if i must seem as phantom, then at the very least somehow iA i'd like to still find a way to bring some peace.

 

~

 

another, a reply/corollary to couple of the songs from Feels. intimacy so effortlessly captured, sensual and longing, earnest and open, once He gives me permission, perhaps by the time we reach our Garden iA, then that is the first way i'd choose to relish union, as if all the restraints were finally cut from my limbs and my intent and hope can equal, finally, the actions i seek (among them, writing on thy neck too. fa sho, iA). not surprisingly, two of the most perfectly-resonant in this facet were Camila's Shameless and Lana's Lust for Life. in the latter, nowhere else have i heard spoken aloud the same truth i've found...mA. living this life, at least at the depths we do, requires more than merely staying on the physical, rote-ritual level. the passion is utterly intrinsic to our species, and it goes beyond just fulfillment of inner urges...it is about being able to find meaning and purpose in life through the presence of a bond whose manifested state far, faaar surpasses the ordinary, our fuel to survive the mundane. we could not exist as machines, and honestly neither as animals (not hedonism at all, though on the surface that's what it may seem). we feel, and often enough, have to challenge our feeling and overcome it, because this life truly just ain't enough. it's why Jannah was made after all.

 

Resolute

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

how often the case i think my own problems to be so large, so troublesome, difficult to accept. and then to learn of the pain of my beloved, and it's as if any weight on me was nothing at all, a feather by comparison.

 

i wasn't expecting to find dreamer again, but every so often i click the link, just to see if my Rabb will let me catch a glimpse into your life again. found it, today. subhanaAllah..wow. if my 2020 was off the charts for me, then for my Muse, 2021 has been perhaps worse. 

how might a slightly distant one offer solace to his beloved? this solace should have within it, comfort and reassurance and strength, and be made of the same substance you've long elicited- hubb. 

probably anything along these lines i'd say you'd already know, but in case an echo is useful, i don't mind being the record player. the hardest trials carry the highest rewards, if one faces them with "patience"....the absolute easiest word to say but hardest word to remember. there's a reason for the order of the verse in Baqarah, "and seek aid through sabr and salat" - sabr got mentioned first, before aaaanything else. if a slave wants help from his/her Creator, patience is the first, most necessary ingredient. this is especially so because one has to be patient with the decree, with qadr itself, and because the answering of duas is not often in our human-desired time frame. 

if i had the option of somehow carving myself or my history in further scattered pieces, that my Rabb would accept any or all of it as an offering to stave off what you had to face, i would have chosen this instantly. He didn't give such a choice. in the present, in this life it seems, i am scarce a phantom, but one ability i do have is dua. you should know you're already in them, every day. now that i know something of what you face, more dua for His aid and support of you will flow iA. 

 

one of the wisdoms of pain, that He brought me to learn over the years - facing it, accepting it, learning from it, remaining steadfast...all of these, let the heart grow and the breast expand. our challenges certainly help shape us, but that shaping can go in two directions = either by shrinking, or by expansion. Expanding is hard, i know, and further trials will follow sooner or later, but being open and releasing that emotion is the right call, the better call. you are truly a beautiful being, and to stay that way, emotional release is absolutely necessary. keeping such magnitude of feeling inside, for too long, is extremely unhealthy and dangerous, spoken by one who's been on that side of the fence. alhamdulillah i see it venting, easily the most you've (ever?) written in such a short amount of time. 

 

be at ease bi ithniAllah, you're stronger than you know  

Definition

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

a name upon your lips, inside your sighs, hope these occurrences remain, for me they're words never forgotten, always remembered, doesn't matter where i am, memories of you, like pictures on my wall of the Sky i'm always chasing. for this life, some are destined to exist in a state of broken bits, pieces scattered unremarkable, until those shards find themselves merged like mercury inside your palms, then becoming solid, truly reflective, at last manifested. in this cycle of life, so many circles, among them days i'm drained of every meaning's substance, could say i wished to know your state, but so often He brings clouds to shroud my Moon within her phases. would that it was just a sliver, a lining that need not be silver, could be merely bronze in outline, so long as behind it was thy figure. you've long pulled me within, whether by gravity or beauty, interchangeable terms for one whose body hangs celestially,...not because of my doing, not because i wished it, but rather as He turned you into the beacon, that this nomad walks across the universe to find again

if 'twas a question

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

nope, i haven't quite reached, the list on picture 9, but there's something there, to which i'll take a moment and reply, lyrics from Walker's "Better Half of Me":

 

That I'd have all I need
If you were standing right in front of me
I'll finally see

What it means to be complete

...

Will you be the better half of me? 

 

could these words be what you would say, what your lips would release if they were free to speak as they might please? 

for a moment, i'll let my self fly off this perch, off the ground of this second, into the Skies, where "YES!" is the only echo from me resonating. i am not the Architect of my existence, of the beloved He let grace my senses...but alhamdulillah that i am not, alhamdulillah that He is, to let reach such subtle soft messages into ears and a self embracing their reception. 

~

in all the lessons He's taught me, in the ones He brought me to know, the learning of completion is perhaps the most relevant, most salient, the most precious knowledge for an ocean that can only gain from acceptance - His and of every test, alongside the aiming for the coolness of my eyes, their most perfect place of rest. and so, because i have known something of completion, i'd love to share its every depth and meaning, the breadth of its beating, both within our chests and inside the stars when they become our endless ceiling.

breathe, breathe sometimes faster, maybe often slower, when you find CPR a necessity needed closer, know a twin has no distance, meters or miles matter not to twinship, one or another of my duas will find its way to Him, so breath then might come easily again (except in case of certain breathlessnesses, which i am a fan of, so in such states well then simply suffer xD for a bit, promise, it'll ease, if the grip encircles the heart and squeezes, and it feels like absence is the hammer and your self the stone...then welcome to the beginning of the journey, it only hurts because that is how He keeps you growing 😊).