- in the name of Allah -

As the days and weeks and years slowly pass before my eyes, I am brought to sorrow for tears I cannot yet cry. A heart closed, made of stone, preserved underneath an icy throne, makes for such a regrettable tale: the loveless story of a simply mindless drone. I wonder when I'll ever catch again that whiff, to love or even hate, to be carried along such strong emotions adrift. Injustice abounds, contradictions everywhere, trying to find my place alongside people who sell themselves to fit as cogs in chains that shouldn't be there. Bound, eternally or for now, I wish I knew, every other thought I have is how I'm being held down and cannot escape from this prison I've been made in. I know the answers of imaan, but I cannot feel their strength, my other half is still missing, a desert in the ocean starving for heartfelt rent.

- in the name of Allah -

So October rolled right on by and I turned 25, but yet I didn't make a post here that entire time. What a strange life indeed.

The job search continues, though I've had now a few interviews at one place, alhamdulillah. It looks like the people there like me, so that might work out; part time in the beginning and maybe full time down the road. Perfectly fine with me that is.

I really wish I could reach out to people more often. Not so much as to communicate what thoughts I myself hold, but rather to take in different perspectives that would freshen ones already stale. Among other news, I have found that I cannot let go entirely of all of my idiotic idealism that I had held in years past. A longing that grows ever more chasmic doesn't really let that be possible. What kind of soul would match my own? I have no idea.

Along my tedious journey in this life, I come across blatant madness and hypocrisy in the news cycles every now and then. Israel's government still says it wants peace but refuses to stop taking over Palestinian land and building new settlements. It's pretty obvious by their actions they only really intend to force out the Palestinians from every meaningful or close to meaningful peace of land in the old holy land. Why do people purposefully allow the injustice to continue? Are AIPAC's dollars so important to politicians that they would overlook the suffering of a people because it did not suit their interests? If basic human morality was not enough of a motivation, those kinds of people should remember that karma will catch up to them sooner or later; Hell wasn't made for just anyone after all. So much in media is done for the sake of display and showing off. When will people realize the failing in such self-serving and vain endeavors? Being true to everyone else but one's own self is the biggest delusion possible, and the longer it takes to recognize that, the deeper the regret becomes at the end. /end_mini_rant

In other news, I want to write something poetic. Maybe I will soon, iA.

- in the name of Allah -

for the petal that got away

Years past since things have happened, what's changed?
I'm still wandering, aimless at times, with ambition chained.

I reached, I hoped, I desired, but it all fell flat,
For I was young, ignorant, knowing not this from that.

All I had was a singular vision, a name on the horizon,
One I thought peerless, a perfect complement to my amalgam.

Before then I had longed, and since then as well,
But nothing would compare, as much as I could tell.

What dreams have you dreamed, what sadness have you endured,
Where I couldn't give breath to your wings, washing your gleam till it was pure?

As I had wished back then, your life has moved along,
Holding back at last no happiness, making right all its wrong.

We're all only human, living out our fleeting lives,
But still, for failing my heart back then, I can but apologize.

- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes to my being I can find no rhyme or reason, no obvious explanation or even covert meaning, things fall into and out of focus - a slipstream of semi-consciousness without end or observability. What are my fears that are consuming me from within, that prevent my growth and leave me subject to wind and whim? My job is not yet found, my soul seems left to wander, hating a world so full of contradictions, beauty and ugliness, love and hate, barely peace but plentiful war, selflessness but overflowing selfishness, demands of others yet none else's rights fulfilled, where ends this madness that's so deeply instilled? I think this is why I was so reclusive in the past, why I'd use to rather spend weeks on end, seeking in my imagination, where so easily I could tell foe from friend. In the "real" world, people's fallacies become just that much stronger and well-founded, they tell themselves their lies so often they are as illusions but compounded. How can I exist in such a world? Lies are hateful, treachery despised, scratching and clawing for material gain seen as more harmful than good, where do their paths lead them? I must fall in line, or so I think, and become a cog in that chain, seeking my little slice of pie, ready on the dime to fall or feign for another's deign. I am my own clown, my own puppet, barely able to dance to my own tune, how then could it sound right for me to sing a thing so untrue? I swear, the incongruities between myself and life only seem to grow with each passing day, as bills and material concerns press their hold upon my fray. People taste wealth, then they go mad over keeping it and gaining more and more, is this the road for me I want in store? The only care I've ever cherished, the thing most ever lasting, is a path to Jannah, with everything else but a window shop in glancing. Do you know what's there? What lies in wait in those gardens?: Endless shade, endless pasture, limitless contentment, limitless rapture; who could ever choose against such a trade, only by giving up so little to their only Master? I think I seek that spiritual path, but this world demands me of its materialism, caught between in rift not quite at all forgiving. Imagine then that I'd love my wife, want to give her all of good and nice, but how would I such a path go on, were it not on paper dollars drawn? How many women in the world, need less fortune, need less fame, to seek a path to spirituality plain? My reservations are plenty, my ambitions few, I stumble along this winding road, unsure of what I truly need not do.

- in the name of Allah -

You and I, we're like flowers from two different seasons, blooming out of turn but fiercely with good reason. Our collision course just doesn't seem fated, at least not yet, as my path becomes a little thorny, what wisdom and sorrow combined might beget. At times it seems my place in life cannot mature fast enough, that I am too slow in catching its scent, that this fog that surrounds me every so often prevents my moving from one evolution to the next. If I were the moon, and you were the sun, we'd both rise in the same sky, but out of phase as one just ended and the other just begun. The depths of me, wherein the heart and its own rhythm reside, tarry to their own drums, not always a choice of mine. Where some things pull, and others might push, seeing myself in you is just insane for me, even if nothing's so far been rushed. They say girls mature faster than boys, but men sooner than women, am I right or wrong in this?, or have I just let the pattern become without thought unwoven?

- in the name of Allah -

Looking forward while holding back, sometimes I wonder: just where am I at? I feel like I've moved past who I used to be yesterday, picked up the strands from tomorrow, but what is this shade I'm sensing, that's got me staring down a barrel short and narrow? Self-created anxieties, propelling myself out from within reality's endless beckoning, it's so much effort at times I think I'll just recede..let the clouds come back in play, take away the sunshine, take away the day..giving me back to night, back to when whim and mindlessness held sway. Though the path might be there for me to take, finding a better road in the mist ahead, how can what I am now be enough to clear me of dread? If anyone besides myself knew the extent of just how feeble my will could become, just how many circles my soul had once trod, they'd say I was one stuck in rewind, fated to play back only too late in time. I have purpose, like I've always had, like I've always felt, but now, none of what happens is in my hands: filling out forms, handing in resumes, the next step in my life has been just one long breath, till now delayed. It's almost deja vu, except I'm supposed to be wiser, supposed to fill in the blanks once my hopes held water, but with a glass near empty and a crack in the side, I'll have to make myself a new pitcher, if at least to parry the tide..



Wow, so that was what comes out after not having written in so long. At least calendars don't lie when it comes to being older. ><

- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, I passed! I feel a bit lighter now...

- in the name of Allah -

So, here I am again. Perhaps to chronicle the development (or devolution) that's happened since the last time I posted. I can probably best sum things up by listing the things I've noticed and felt over the past month or so.

1. Some bridges don't need to be burned before being left behind. Sometimes, they just decay and fall apart all by themselves. I've noticed that many people I once knew now longer know me, or retain any connection to me. The same is certainly true of myself and others, but its more poignant when I bring my perceived isolation to the forefront. While I have a few great friends, people worthy of being called brothers, I realize that the sisters I knew (Islamically speaking), are fewer and much farther in between now. I used to (be able to?) chat online with so many different people over such diverse backgrounds over this past decade. However, it seems that aging has had an effect on me. I can no longer categorize my relationships with women in simple terms of friendship and potentiality (a term I just thought of to denote people who may be suitable to marry). Things are just too complicated. It's kind of sad. I really enjoyed knowing them. I wonder if I should ever find any such connection(s?) ever again. Allah would know better than I.

2. Some things, no matter how much we want them, may still lie out of our grasp. This board exam is truly kicking my butt. I've taken it a few times, and probably because I cannot devote half the time I 'should' to its study, I end up having difficulty. I feel like its all in my head, that should my mindset or approach towards it change, I can overcome it. However, when or how this would happen, I have next to no idea. Self fulfilling prophecies and the like just haven't been good for me lately, as the most frequent emotion that accompanies me is self doubt: doubt of my intentions, doubt of my worth as a human being, doubt of my ability to affect change in myself much less other people. These are weekly tangents I approach with some evenhandedness. It's not usually to the point of depression, but I'm sure the point can be made without having to mention it directly. I can only really continue to pray and seek Allah in some sort of path out of this cloudy time.

3. Sometimes, you really don't have to face the most obviously difficult moments, to find yourself in a truly trying time. For instance, now. I have the basic amenities the 'third world' would clamor for. I have things people dream of, and yet the greatest obstacle, which for all of them is outside of themselves (hunger, poverty, socioeconomic turmoil, etc), for me is my very own self. From how I see life, I do not think there can be anything more resilient to being overcome than the nafs. Being a part of the human being, it never really goes away. It questions, it rebels, it doubts, it hungers, it flies, it sleeps, it loves everything but what it needs most. In sum, the greatest enemy I'll ever face, aside from Satan, who is my nafs' most potent ally, is me. I should take more lessons on overcoming the self. It could really do some good.

~~~

- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes when I look down, peering at puddles past, it all seems so small, such a melancholy round. An earth with no neighbors, out of touch from other kinds of life, struggles alone, carried by a dream and hope inside. So many little pieces and puzzles, fitting and flitting, whirring and whizzing, meshing while totally mistaking, where's their direction? Such small desires, a plate of warm food on a cold night, the familiar scent of a familiar sight. Where's my cue in all this hectic hither-tither, to push or pull, to lay down my arms or pull the trigger? So many road signs, posted just below the vision, just out of sight, just about taken for granted, while people, including myself, run around pretending we're prophets of times past, our Tablet being our forsaken inhibitions.

Oh God, Oh Allah, Oh Fashioner of the Heavens and Earth, Oh Everliving, Oh Everlasting: I beg thee - save me from my self, from all of this. Ameen.

- in the name of Allah -

Of all the idiotic things I've ever read in the news or television, this has to be right there at the top. When you read this, remember the title of the article: "Islamic Solidarity Games cancelled over Gulf dispute".

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8465235.stm

They cancelled the "Islamic Solidarity Games" because the Arabian states wanted the Gulf referred to as 'Arabian'...not 'Persian' as it was called by Iran.

What the f*ck is that about? So much for solidarity. So much for idiotic "Muslim" countries even pretending that they're supposed to Muslim brothers. God, what a bunch of fucking retards. /pardon the language.

- in the name of Allah -

As the heaviest snow I've ever seen falls outside, I'm reminded of something I read in a book recently. It was a supplication where the Nabi (saw) asks Allah to wash his sins with "water, snow, and hail". I can't say I've ever thought of snow or hail having purifying qualities, but looking at simply how beautiful and marvelous it looks outside, I can kind of understand. So how does beauty lend itself to purification? Like how on the Day of Judgment everything would be destroyed and remade anew, that is sort of what snow does. Since its so cold, not many bacteria can thrive in it, if any. When it melts, it becomes water which washes away whatever it was frozen over. All of the grass, pavement, dirt, even the trash thrown carelessly on the ground by people, all of it gets covered and hidden, and only a cold, powdery blanket of snow is seen.

It's really marvelous when you think about it.

- in the name of Allah -

late night, hidden from moonlight, no candles lit, bathed in darkness, I'm remanded to a path of crystalline clarity wherein a Provider blesses me with sight. no, I can't see the future, or even the palms of my own hands, the only thing apparent to me, is beneath the nomad's feet a path of desert sands. I'm just a traveller, passing through, not well attached, trying just as much as I need to do. my wisdom is slight, my knowledge imperfect, my vision shortsighted, my nafs subversive. so, if in myself I have nothing of worth, nothing that could stand alone, nothing that can see in darkness, nothing able on its own, where is my end and what is my goal? I'm hoping and praying for an end in gardens underneath which rivers flow, and perchance being granted a mercy that'd bring stone to tears, melting the ice in hearts of foes.

- in the name of Allah -


Let me relate to you a little story, a small echo of self-revelation. There once was man, who walked every day across railroad tracks, in his mind a feat of no small making. Any day or anytime, whenever he chose to walk across those lines, there'd be no trains, or he'd walk off calmly in the nick of time. "My, what luck I must have, what fortune from my veins must bleed, walking howsoever I please", and so he walked one day back to his home, such thoughts ringing in his soul down deep. Not a stone's throw from his front door, still thinking the very same self-praise, he hummed his best tune, just as a car mowed him down were he but a blade of grass, helpless and thrown out with the trash.

- in the name of Allah -


Alhamdulillah, I have returned. After a 2 week hiatus overseas, its nice to be back to places where things are so much more familiar. That's not to say I wasn't able to pick up a few tidbits of wisdom along the way, but there's something about 'home' that makes it such an attractive place to be.

As might be expected, I can recount my blessings and fortuity with much greater clarity than before I left. Though living conditions there had improved generally, there were still occasional and sometimes prolonged power outages. The fact that water had to be pumped (as opposed to having it constantly pressurized) was also a cause for concern at times.

All in all, I'm glad I went, and in spite of my hesitancy, was able to come back with something worth remembering. Alhamdulillah.

- in the name of Allah -

(shapeless thoughts)
I could take words from the deepest depths
Or straddle syllables on the highest cliffs
But every time I'd try
All you would see are ancient glyphs

My story hasn't yet ended
The life goes on
Truth decays into commodity expended
And to our present, allegiances are sworn

I need to feel, more than anything else
To be at least alive, walking, breathing, myself

But as of now, my sight is clouded
Hidden without discipline, by apathy enshrouded

As is my sight, my soul becomes
Opening and closing at whim, an outdated serum

Reach out, reach back to me, let me find
That we're all still people, not as animals
Killing and maiming, chasing in kind
Each other's legacies,
Our own blades dropping in gold, a blood-made-wine

It's a catastrophe that to prepare for peace
One should ready for war
Where's our nature going, from where's it come,
When blood is our past, when blood is all that's in store?

Yeah, I know my problems are tiny, almost below radar
But even I sense them
Since even from them I'm actually quite far

I'm at a place self-preserved
Where emotion is a glacier without reserve
Hearts are lost, minds confounded
For they've lost all their nerve

There's no spunk, no vitality
Just a deep dark lake,
Pouring out timeless death for all to see.


////

- in the name of Allah -



Happiness is often one of the most elusive things in life. Sometimes it lands right in front of you without any effort; other times, you can work for years searching for the fruits of your labor and still nothing becomes of it.

One of the main reasons happiness is so elusive is because people go about searching for it the wrong way. You would think that happiness might be found in fulfilling your desires and wishes, right? It would make sense to say that if people had what they wanted, they would be happy. Reality, however, points us in a different direction. It isn't uncommon to see the rich and famous struggle to find fulfillment in their lives, to try and buy it from any and every possible source. It also wouldn't be hard to find a poor person who is happy with what they have. So, what really leads a person to happiness? Is it his or her rebellion against what is perceived as prescribed fate, or perhaps their apparent acquiescence to its decree? I honestly think both of them would be at a disadvantage: one would rebel forever and become able to find solace in not even the most obvious of things, while the other would eventually lose even the most basic of ambition to become better or find a better station in life.

The question arises again, then. How do you find happiness? The easiest and truest answer I could give someone lies in a single word: I s l a m. Translated into English, that would be: submitting one's self to God. A very wise person once said that it may be that what you like is bad for you, and what you dislike is good for you. If we judge everything that we perceive according to our own soul/ego, how could we ever find those things that are in fact the best for us...by ourselves? I don't think we ever could. The road to happiness is often times a solitary road, but not a lonely one. Once the realization is found that happiness is pretty much with God/Allah alone, the only step to take is forward, towards Him. Let there be no delusions about how difficult the path will be, about how sometimes things couldn't seem to get any worse. Life was made with both its ups and its downs. Indeed, with every hardship there follows ease.

After writing all of that, no doubt I need to reflect on it myself. It scares me sometimes how little I can be contented with, how trite and meaningless seemingly huge goals that other people have are to me, for me. Deep down, since as far back as I can remember, I was someone who loved fairness, hated inequality, prefer innocence even in its invariable absence. There was no meaning in the bullying people did, no meaning in calling people names, no meaning in carrying on with fistfights. Why? Because a just world, or rather a just people, needed none of those things. Happiness was as simple and easy and giving someone you did or didn't know a genuine smile. There are times when I still prefer the innocence of youth to the supposed wisdom of age and/or cynicism. Those times are long gone, but sometimes it was just like yesterday.

The only thing for me to do is put the earnest foot forward, seek the truth openly, and leave the rest to God.

- in the name of Allah -

quiet rain

as my various realities
come bearing down on me
I give pause to thought
"how long must this be?"

if I dared gaze at what has past
no doubt I'd drown
in sins and emptiness and regret
piled on high from sky till ground

a different lesson I'm learning
tales of ancients you might say
is that to forge a new path
sometimes you must lose your way

I'll be the first to recollect in curiosity
to muse at what could have been
had I been as wise back then

but but, before my aim is lost
before I reach for fruits long gone
I know these branches
are near to breaking, bound by timeless frost

as such, I proclaim for myself the only road
is the only one I've ever known

a trail where time goes in one direction
where looking back is mere confection

I guess I understand, why man is so oft doomed
to repeat his past and learn it not
for tomorrow's sake, he buries it soon

still..
I plead and beg and lay prostate on my face
for Allah to be my guide
and forever my support, my solace.

- in the name of Allah -

At this early hour, a seemingly random verse comes to mind, quoted above. A rough translation:

"..and whomever is saved from the greed of his own soul, it is they who are successful."
(Hashr, ayah 9)

Two things strike me about this ayah. One, that one's own soul is something that would require saving from (usually, we might think of needing protection from the devil, from external temptation, etc). Two, it reads "..whomever is saved..", not "..whomever saves him/her self.." - this lends itself to the true and actual dependency we have upon Allah on attempting to claim salvation.

It isn't by our own efforts that we would be saved from the fires of Jahannam, or granted the gardens of Jannah. It's something that must be sought after by the very core of one's heart. There's a reason Allah remembers those who remember Him, there's a reason that there is no reward for good, except good. Perhaps the only thing that should really concern us, that should catch us in our most attentive moments is this: that our end, and our beginning, and everything in between, are all with Allah and nothing and nowhere else.

- in the name of Allah -

internal constructs
9.21

Reaching for the stars, barely landing in the heavens,
The path has finally opened, if only for a second.
I catch whiff of a scent that could blind the senses,
My fancy is intrigued, blood pounding in throbbing temples.

The rush is too much, I'm becoming light-headed,
The door still inviting, but it seems I'm not yet ready.
Why must I awake from this opaque dream?
The clock reads a minute past, I swear an eternity it seemed.

Let me gaze for just a few decades,
Into crystalline orbs, tiny suns that shine on without age.
Granted such rare glory, such precious splendor,
Who would deny the touch of satin, the smell of lavender?

Remembering just one of countless rewards in store,
For he who'd lend his Rabb a goodly loan, and little more.
A blink of an eye, or an epic tale of endless pages,
Only fools need argue, a spat amongst wandless mages.

A winding road ahead, paved in prick of thorns,
Right is obvious, but can a nomad weather its storm?


iA.

- in the name of Allah -


How will I ever find time for mirrors and walls, when sometimes all I can read is writing not worth the scribble of restroom stalls? Introspection loses out to extroversion, saying a lot more than I did back then but without half the meaning or one-fourth the purpose. Socially fit, but socially disinclined, my mismatches abound when I thought I'd find the perfectly suited in no time. It's surprising to see friends grow even as I watch from a distance, their gazes don't quite reach me as much as they used to, I usually just miss them. A little sad, sure, but it's comforting knowing that they're heading places, if not physically than becoming better people (or better imitators of progress). Slight doubt or wonder aside, my own questions beg their time in the spotlight, but wait..they don't have any batteries. So what good is a wrong with a plan to be righted if it can only stand out against the darkness while everything else is nighted? Who knows, I only hold few things for certain, among them, a belief I have to have, or else I'd rather choose to not live than be just another soul, frightfully wondering who its Lord is and why it exists. My paths are never easy, same with the choices I have to make, but I think the worthwhile always needs effort, for the worthy to find their place.

- in the name of Allah -

Where would we be without people who cared? Whether it be family or friends, or acquaintances not seen in a million years, I think the overall progression of life would be quite different were it not for timely and necessary interference from others. Static life has a way of moving on without progressing, of going forward but lacking direction. Sometimes, an external stimulus is needed, howsoever small, to bring about the next step in personal evolution.

All of that leads me into why I'm writing this right now. Since my last post, things could not have been more different. I've been at the masjid more during Ramadhan in a week than I have the past 3 or 4 Ramadhans combined. People I haven't seen, in as long a time, I've met up with again, remarking on how things have changed and who's doing what where right now. In essence, two events stand out as precursors to any of this happening. First, at a friend's wedding a month or 2 back, a friend of a couple years asked me to come play basketball at the masjid, since they played almost every evening. I took his advice. Not a week or so ago, a nephew of mine asked me if I was going to pray Tarawih at the masjid like he was. Likewise, I listened to his suggestion. The rest, as they say, is history.

In effect, I've found that growing older doesn't necessarily limit what wisdom can be learned from those younger than us. It's often the things we think we've figured out already that need re-examining, and who better to see those things than those with eyes untainted by cynicism? If I continue to learn anything, it's that our perceptions aren't always laid in stone like we think they are. Just because I *think* I know what I'm doing or where I'm going, or how I'm affecting other people, doesn't have to mean that's really what's happening. Moreso now than ever, I doubt there's ever been a better time for everyone to reflect on their lives, about the paths they are taking, the choices they are making, and finding out for certain if the priorities they have in life are worth it as they, or if they need changing.

- in the name of Allah -


So, it's that time of year again. Ramadhan. The time of fasting, reflection, and a general flux amongst the Muslim communities worldwide as they search for ways to, at least, become better for this month.

My mental state, however, differs markedly from that. For the past 3 or 4 years, I've observed a somewhat disturbing trend of mine - to purposefully (or rather, lacking a reason/purpose) become more detached and somewhat reclusive than normal. What brings this about? I see the changes in my family most obviously, and it bothers me tremendously that people would say and do such pious things during this month that would otherwise, in any other month, be nearly cast away as meaningless. Do I have an internal revulsion to perceived hypocrisy, or am I just bogged down in a kind of laziness that encumbers the soul so it just doesn't feel like 'doing' anything anymore? As yet, I do not know the answer to this question. The drop off from Ramadhan compared to any other month is so large...I can't help but be entirely skeptical at the fate of mankind. That isn't to say the majority of my problem lies with other people. On the contrary, there is a significant internal difference, like a grandfather clock that decidedly moves slower during a particular time, but always inexplicably. People tell me to just go to the masjid more often during this month, and I wonder why they say something so simple. As of about a month or so ago, I actually started going on a more regular basis, alh, besides just for Jumu'ah. My reasons for going varied, but after embracing an acknowledged need for progress, I decided that the status quo could not remain any longer.

But this month...the rationality behind my behaviour eludes me entirely. I cannot fathom it, while my thinking just days prior was obvious gravitation towards being and becoming more deen-oriented and attending more prayers in congregation. So, it has to be something specific to Ramadhan that brings this supposed depression about. Why would the happiest month of the Islamic calendar shade its happiness from me? Is there perhaps an internal flaw in my thinking that requires re-evaluation? Is there a misunderstanding I have about what the month should mean for me? I pray it is not that I am destined to be of those deprived of mercy specifically in Ramadhan..insha'Allah. Truly, the question is there..but how am I to find its answer?

- in the name of Allah -


So, I haven't posted anything lately. Alh, it's mainly because there isn't anything really for me to put down here. All of the concerns and issues that might normally evoke a blog entry....are non-existent atm (at the moment).

Of course, it's just a circle that leads me to back to where I've always known myself to be: blessed, alh. There is nothing more important in life, or more worthy of being an ambition, than recognizing the favors and blessings Allah gives us in life. If we can't see that, we pretty much can't 'see' anything.

I still need to be married though. More on that at some point down the line, iA. I should be settled into a job within a few months [iA], after taking my sweet time post-board exam. Then, I guess I join my friends who've already walked down that road. I think I might miss being a bachelor.

- in the name of Allah -

Among various other things that occur to me at such early morning hours, I am led to ponder over the nature of wisdom and guidance. While everyone generally may believe that good actions and good intentions procure a 'better fate', there are enough exceptions (or moments of crystal clear disillusion) in life where a better and more wholesome wisdom is sought.

It could be, and doubtless has been, that some person some where would do a good deed, and then afterwords, be so impressed by what he has done that he begins to fancy himself a prince and at a higher level than those he does not see as fitting his category of religiosity. In such a case, what has this person initially pure deed done for expect increase him in misguidance?

The simple lesson we can derive from this is that we should always be wary of where misguidance can come from. Perhaps especially, being on guard after doing a good deed is something everyone should do, lest egos, pride, and exaggerated self worth start clouding the truth, with the person suddenly being led astray because he should forget where true guidance came from, and why he was doing it all in the first place.

It is a bit ironic, and counter to 'common' sense, that we could end up taking the paths often traveled from something so pure and initially innocent. It's been said that good intentions often land good people in bad places (or something like that). Lately, it seems like the guise of wisdom has appeared to me in more places and more moments than I can remember ever having happened before. Alhamdulillah for that.

On less important notes, I passed my board exam! Certified, here I come!

t_t

- in the name of Allah -


On Faith

What is faith? In and of itself, is it a need? a drug? a passion? an emotion? a trump card? a final solution? a convenience? a necessity? a catharsis? a mode of logic? What category, exactly, does our personal relationship to 'faith' fall under? How have we defined it for ourselves?

To me, in my youth, faith was a pill to swallow every night before I went to bed, to keep the bedbugs at bay and my conscience in solace. As I've aged, and I ascertain where I am in life, I am finding that now it has become a candlelight in the darkness of human cognizance. Outside of my deen, my religion, my choice, I can sense only darkness, seeping around every corner of indecision and doubt, waiting to make its way into me or those around me. So, still I hold on to the candle, waiting, for the breeze to lead and push the flame where it should go, to where I inevitably belong.

It has never been easy, even when I was blissful and ignorant in my younger years. There were many traps around me I'd only realize after I'd passed by them, amazed that I'd come so close to them at all. The path has often not been to the best of my liking, often I've questioned the grand design and purpose of it all, especially the role in it I was to play. For life we did not ask, yet life it is we are given. So what is to be done with this choice? There is only 1 path, despite the many ways in which we may want to put things. The choice is ours, to believe or not to believe. One cannot hold either choice in hand, yet avoid its responsibility. If you choose to declare that god is but one God, that His final messenger existed and that this messenger was His servant, then the only path is to submit. Desire will always persist, but it is in the battles that we can lay claim to winning, hand in hand with our superego, that we might keep the beast within at bay, and find the best and better parts of ourselves.

The naysayers and skeptics and atheists, have all given up hope. Their flaw, were I to point at just one common among them all, would be the same as Satan/Iblees/the Fallen One (literally and figuratively): they despair, and in this state, seek only to lead others into despair along with themselves. I must say that sometimes, emotion must be disregarded, for the better sake of one's self. Many times I have felt this way or that, and it would lead me to an invariably dissatisfying result. I knew it, yet I chose the easier path nonetheless. In order for the potential damage of emotion to be minimal, logic should supplant it. If I looked in many directions and did not see, for my own lack of wisdom, providence in the many things around me, in myself, then it should be a fault only of mine, not one that I should lay claim as being of my Creator's. As humans, we may 'feel' undeniably justified in how our train of thought leads to rebellion, dissent, and general disharmony...but we should also remember we are human. Upon reflection, if being human has taught us anything over the past millenia, it is that to err is human. Our fallibility should always humble our insatiable ambitions to be rulers of our own fate, and remind us that the end worth everything we can give it, is often that end which is most difficult to see. Just because there is mist and fog, does not mean the path is not there. It is only that we should wish to forever be led upon it.