- in the name of Allah -

why do I keep writing?

because there's only so far these eyes can see, only so much the chest can hold, before either I'm blinded, or the breast must needs explode. pain is the air I've breathed, hope is the exhalation, without filters or masks, taking in deeply to help the gases' exchanging, absorbing the harm while trying to give off only what lasts. 

there were a couple souls I met, souls I couldn't keep, souls whose inner light I couldn't appreciate well enough in time then decreed. so I found with Allah's help a road, to see again those rays, to funnel into one place all one's wishes, that one day we might share hearts as they yearn to exist.


- in the name of Allah -

In memory of this day that'll stay with me forever, iA as inspiration to draw on and push forward towards a better akhirah, to find with Allah the best of things I ever sought. The first, exactly one year ago, the second earlier today, both becoming by His grace means of spurring onward and seeking Firdaus before anywhere else.

Even if I had a thousand hearts, each to split in a thousand parts, 
For each and every vein, a knife to slice and blood to drain,
A single mind for all the nerves, a place where all the pains converge;

I'd live for them a thousand lives, to reach a point like this in time,
Where the past at last evolved, into future's rise instead of fall,
Where once I found but loss, all morphed to gain and this life the cost,
Happily paid not only for them found as stars, but to Him Who owns it all.



- in the name of Allah -

Now re-learning one of the most important aspects of my former being: istikharah. It's been so long, I have missed it quite a bit. Not surprisingly, it reminds me of a road in the past I chose, to lead my way towards the most precious of abodes. Like most things nowadays though, it just points me forward, towards Allah, towards His blessing, His mercy, the gifts I hope to find with Him. iA will start making istikharah more commonplace in life, I think at its root is something I've been sorely lacking for a very long time: true tawakkul in Allah, finding and holding that peace that comes from understanding human limitation and accepting and beseeching Allah for His help to overcome those frailties and inadequacies. I have had some parts of this equation at one time or another, but never quite all in one piece, never quite with the eye on the future I now have. ~ Tomorrow, my goal, today, my wish, always, my hope; iA.


- in the name of Allah -

mashaAllah what a time the past year has been. Two of the most formative people I've ever known, ones I never thought I would ever hear from again but instead I do. The first was immensely significant, being a means of solidifying and creating the goal in akhirah. Didn't think anything could add to that (obviously no topping it). But recently the second did, and it's like...I am me again. I know me, again. It's a full-circle happening, only it was beyond anything I might expect, especially while in dunya. Two situations, both ones at the root of my own Breaking, and after all this time, they overlap together like two bandages tying up the singed edges of the soul.

All I can say is 'subhanaAllah'. That's what it is to be living. Allah knows while people don't, plans our futures even while all we humans can see is the tidbits right in front of us. As if I didn't have enough reason to be grateful to be where I am after all that's happened, this icing on the cake and it's like there's no longer any lost disconnect between me of today and me of yesterday. Funny enough, all of this while I'm focused on tomorrow.

No matter how much pain one finds in life, no matter the physical or emotional breaks that happen, if the single constant of Allah remains then every thing else becomes gravy. People will still falter, I will still falter, being human after all, but the key is to spring right back up, keep the eyes on the skies and always looking upward, wanting and hoping and working for something better with Him. 


- in the name of Allah -

i can't quite remove from my words any trace of pain or tinge of sadness, lived long enough to remember the good and bad no matter what the current status. though some precious moments are found where I can see in-tomorrow, not the in-between of getting there but the finale of a path that overcame the loss and persevered from sorrow. 

my life, all of it, is just a series of events trying to prove I am what mirrors reveal, going past the surface and holding on as long as i can to the beauty of ideals. alhamdulillah disillusion no longer stalks my steps but newer more evolved challenges emerge, needing to forge from the essence of disintegrating matters molecules of a single pattern so dreams and us converge. 

let me say for once and ever, your threads and mine are interwoven, when I picture delight, it's never far from a place where your hands are mine holding. this road is a star chart with you as a guiding constellation, shining whenever needed to abate the darkness and offering a place for the heart to roam in.


- in the name of Allah -

 Not quite sure how I came across this, but the title fit.

From one of the video's comments:
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."   Oscar Wilde   

Every stray lives with the single desire to be loved. Every soul searches this world for a place to rest their heart’s weary wandering, before being called home. We are all born with the same inner haunting question of the meaning of this life. Each of us has their own correct answer. Will you be the hammer, or the nail? In this physical existence we are flawed, and given to the dark frailties of this world. We are given to, and consumed by the dark whims of rage, anger, ego, and greed. As beings, we are not perfect, but love is, and always will be. Love is the one miracle Heaven gives us every opportunity to perform. The miracle comes in that it rewards all involved, and the effects echo for all eternity.  When real romantics fall in love, believing in love, they never think about surviving the fall, nor would they want to.

A few notes:

  1. I wasn't a dreamer until after I knew k, and even though the road since has been rocky I wouldn't ever go back, even if I could. 
  2. Aside from a bit of fluff, the latter part of the comment holds true far as I can tell. I never thought about surviving the fall, never really wanted to. 'Love' always seemed to me as something to make whole, pure in its essence, above the confines of typical human emotions. Can't help but feel a bit foolish at the thought it being so intrinsic, but I've long since embraced the jest at the core of any idealist. 
  3. If there is a thing to redeem the tendencies one has to fall and want to keep falling, call it the snowball-boulder reaction, then the remedy lies in hope + love. Like twin oars on a boat, keep the ship going forward when all it wants to do is stay idle or sink. One can't survive one's own sins without hoping something good from Allah, and, for me at least, can't come back to a thing without love driving towards it. 
- in the name of Allah -

edge of oblivion

the cliff, this rail, my strength, it pales, 
to fall, like flying, in reverse, gravity, the hearse.
life, the menace, a plague, oblivion, its cure swift.

the wind, my need, grounded, all it bleeds.
streaks of red, amidst a heart, cannot beat, lifeless.
envision dream, to life, blinded, apart at seam.

mortals fail, earth crumbles, ash to ash, my tale:
thought, too grand, action so base, impossible to plan,
past hope dispersed, drifting, far from place. 

apathy, crudest of brushes, unadorned, a bludgeon,
leak away senses, shallow, for precision, a mallet.
scales, askew, matches lit, a flame, bonfire, void is due.


- in the name of Allah -

what is man but a sum of many moments, strung along like pearls on a necklace, just waiting to be broken? 

what is life but a series of consequences, a stack of LEGOs comprising the city of imagination, just waiting to be toppled over?

what is the soul but a mosaic of pure glass, given color by memories as paint on a canvas, just waiting until it drops and pieces scatter like ash?


A planet with ideals at its core, by molten layers surrounded, trying to keep safe from a thing so obscure, yet I fervently wish I could escape my axis, collide with moons or a comet by gravity unbounded, disregard the physics of collision and let the drift of cosmic dusts carry meaning away into insignificance. so light is death, like a feather without wind to harry its course so its drifts free without chains or sources of things that bleed. duty and necessity grapple thoughts of flight even as in throats of the soul they're strangled, can't quite reach reality's fruition as its bound by law and destiny's preamble. I fear I need a mirror but I can't seem to justify finding another soul to fill this prescription, not without leaving the galaxy my past was so comfortable living in, as a climber of canyons stuck now wandering the bottom of chasms that stay open long beyond their expiration, a fish I flounder in vacuum without water or air to condense and bring life to bear. oh souls of resonance seeking, break the barriers in between our meeting, throw the hooks and lures with intentions pure, so Allah might let us find lakes to fill the need of hearts still beating. 



- in the name of Allah -

seeking always the things which last, which carry the most meaning, life just has a way of constantly draining a person, repeatedly demonstrating those things which wither away and lose any meaning. trying to keep a lid on it, keep my self from losing its pieces like it did before, as apathy and lack of resonance revisit like embedded plotlines of a record that keeps on playing. 

for all I love of ideals and beauty, sometimes, often times, I find in myself their greatest lacking. this on top of what life shows these days, and the weight is truly immense. how to keep the vision i have ticking, when my own shortcoming makes my very next step stutter? how can such a being dare to look beyond, months years decades, past even his own death to the hope of a better end? 

as always, in need of duas aplenty, guidance to dim the darkness of these moments I can't easily shake, strength to keep striving for akhirah no matter what shifting winds I face. 


- in the name of Allah - 

mA, just finished the 14th and final book in WoT. What a story. 

Like ASoIaF, I began this series because of what an old friend suggested, and just as glad I did, if not more. Alhamdulillah for being able to find simple joys in things, in understanding bonds that transcend typical human expectation and reach something really, really bright. Still a few titles yet I have to read, though the hope is there a fellow traveller drops by now and again with more suggestions of brilliant writing to keep the mind sharp and heart looking forward.