بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

My Rabb, the road is Yours, as its ever been. I don't own my self, nor the time I have, nor the hopes I dream, just the sins I claim, all the mistakes I've made, all the pitfalls I've stepped in. What is there for me to say, but that my eyes cannot see, that what I touch turns to ash, that for me, I myself am woefully insufficient? What does a slave do, when he realizes ever more fully how dependent his reality is on You? Would that I could spend every moment laying in prostration, perhaps that would bring me closer to truth in completion. After what I've felt and what I've let go of, I prepare again to face what Tomorrow holds, for though surely I know I'm not enough, still Your decree is for me to live, to face, to challenge again the patterns of this life, maybe perhaps, to find in my wandering, a way up to those heights. 

Sadness and pain are never far from wherever I'm standing, usually upon the edges of cliffs where Tomorrows are beckoning, but for this fool's eyes, he sees but what he might then behold, if he stands but straight and tells no lies. Alas for the home in the heart still vacant, echoing in chambers temporarily left emptied, hoping that my Rabb brings close to me, she who would fill them all.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

for the introverts:

we may be safe but surely suffocated, alone there's no way out, so need to find a way of being while not from others inundated, with impressions of how we aught to think or have our selves re-stated. find the like-minded and similar in soul, bring to the surface, when you know for certain that acceptance is the only road, carved ahead in hope or pain, as the truth is both are same; for those who'd rather think than speak, wisdom is the breaded butter, holding our essence near while silence is all what others hear.

and ultimately, human beings are not enough, they cannot contain all that we need to survive and conceive, paths forward past predicaments peculiar to ones like us who see. if you are of those who reflect and consider, deeply or with emotions as triggers, pull back the curtains and find your Creator, use in whole all senses to reach the truth as effortlessly as time without pause or sight without lenses: His is the universe and all creation, whether hidden or manifested, the call is always back to Him, to reach and retain submission just to One in all conditions.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

whether bitter or sweet, destiny's still the path forward I'm seeking, as I approach each step, it's like bricks being laid, right beneath my feet, as slowly Tomorrow's made from today. there's plenty of times, I can't see an inch past the edge of my eyes, but trying to hold onto trust in my Creator, that from darkness of unknowns, His mercy always shines. my perception's so utterly limited, a blind man clamoring to slake his thirst, grasping for straws to reach a drink, but doesn't quite know where it is. still, sight is His to give to whom He wills; truly, after hardship there is ease, where all my Tomorrows hope they lead. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Few things I've recently realized:

1. A major part of the insanity I felt during the previous month was because of the kind of interaction I had with a prior potential. It wasn't that I inherently was so forward or forceful, not entirely, but that I reflected also her nature and this amplified those aspects in myself. Being like a "hurricane" or "tornado" is how I'd perceived myself in love, but this was factually shortsighted; that was only how love was for me vis-à-vis that particular individual. If the one I'm with feels crazily and recklessly and unpredictably, then so too do I mirror that condition in myself. As I foresaw a future where I could care deeply for her, then I manifested love from that unborn state, a love rooted in its own shades of madness. Truly, this is what happens when the sensitivity of a heart is so high and it is exposed to something brazen and unrestrained and uncontrolled - it wants to fly and be in madness with it. Lol. No, I'd never known a state like this before, never known a person like that before. Lessons learned never cease to amaze me. Love is not a state of madness, even though part of me understands those aspects of it which defy logic and persist regardless of reason. Love, if unpurified, can quite easily become a disease to infect and pollute and destroy the better calling of a person's soul. And how to purify love? This is only possible if it reminds one of Allah, and submits itself to Him entirely. Otherwise, love becomes a tool for the self-serving, self-deluding nafs, always pulling one astray. 
2. How did I reach the truth behind #1? Because of my interaction with the current potential. Whereas the prior was a means of being enflamed and set ablaze, the present one has the completely opposite effect: calming and soothing while telling so much less about herself. Each step of interaction is a gradual one, any attempts I make, even accidentally, to speed things up get slowed down by her, purposefully and intently. Her psychological intuition and emotional intelligence appear immense, and the strength of character and purpose give her wisdom that leaps ahead of mine in moments I'd never expect. There is little unpredictability, even though I understand only aspects of who she is, details are still limited, many things I cannot yet know. She is up-front and hides behind nothing, except to place the due limits of reservation and modesty and decency in everything she says and does. Every time in life I think I have evolved or understood, I meet a person that makes me think I am so, so far behind. SubhanaAllah. And yet, even in seeing an impression of this potential, next to perfect so far as I can tell, there is no part of the heart that is jumping out of its chest to rush in loving her. It is as if these are the gradual steps people are supposed to take when getting to know someone, that things need not be rushed or forced or askew or vulgar or suggestive, but rather they can be open and honest and still fully inclusive of progress and understanding. Without a doubt, the nafs has not ended itself, it still struggles, but it too is beginning to grasp the kind of potential ideal this person encompasses - if the last one's future potential was amazing, the current one's potential appears fully actualized, right now,  to say absolutely nothing at all of what she may further evolve into going forward. Where does one find words to describe the tests and trials Allah places for us? The degrees of marvel are infinite. 

Interspersed with these reflections is the crystal clear realization that there is one, just one, thing that must absolutely be held on in life regardless of anything else that happens: submission to Allah. Whether if I find what I seek, whether it stays hidden from me, whether the heart breaks or is reformed, whether the sun shines or the rain falls, in all conditions I find myself in, just to be able to submit and remain in submission to Allah, this is the key to life itself. And interestingly enough, I reached this conclusion to clarify my chasing of qadr, especially consciously, one had better realize there is no other way than to always be in submission to Allah. For qadr is but what He decrees, and no matter if that decree is pleasing or displeasing to our limited understanding, the submission to Allah must persist throughout the moment, that our being pleased with Him must remain unaffected by the whims and transitory by-products of this life. How shallow would it be for those who consider themselves His slaves, to be only happy with Him if we are given what we want, but not happy with Him when He decrees for us something else? This is not like the matter of fair-weather fans for hometown teams, this is no game to toy around with in our relationship with Allah. The refuge of a believer has to be Him, always, in all states, whether with ample provision or with nothing but dust, the cognizance has to be that Allah matters most, that our submission, especially in sujood, remains prominent no matter the weather. It is true that we have to swallow difficult pills sometimes, that Allah decrees for us things which might cause sadness or pain or grief. But what is the purpose of all of these, if not to test which person's submission is most perfect? which person's claim to belief is most truthful? These things, I would love for myself to be. That regardless of what afflicts the heart from time to time, whether imagined pain or actual, I would choose submission and to remain so, for as long as I live on this earth. This is, perhaps, the most beautiful thing I can chase in this life, may Allah enable me to find it always, ameen.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Metamorphosis

don't need to stay like a hurricane, rather turn into a gentle breeze, experience tells me not to blow people away, 'cause it's not like their trees, waiting to be lifted out the way, blown into things that aren't supposed to move or lean. gotta lay easy the metaphors and similes, not drown them with soliloquies of futures they've never seen, though words come like liquid or breathing for me, but for most they're probably an acquired taste, just so they can learn what things mean. also found I can't rush fate, it takes its time like bread needs to rise, can't make it too hot too fast, or it'll burn to a crisp, leaving the inside unbaked and going bad. somehow gotta change my speed to match what others need, move in step with their pace, so we might reach in stride, that Tomorrow from dreams.

f

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

a requiem for f

wish I could have shown you what I'd seen, a vision from a tomorrow, one amongst the infinite possibilities. there was a love there to be felt, a warm embrace to take away all the chills of loneliness. yeah, I've always been at least a little bit crazy, couldn't feel so much in life, have it seep through the soul, all the way down into my bones, without it leaving some mark from all the things I've known. what does a short time matter, when imagination is the Key, turning all the locks from the things that might come to be? it's all gravy, I've no regrets, no pain to carry forward from this experience, just a slight tinge of sadness, that you won't get to see any of those glories, painted on my mind's canvas. be free, be at ease, find in your life serenity, don't forget to pray and remember Allah in every breath you breathe. in this space, on who I am, there might for the rest of time, an etching of those moments remain, where longing was a beautiful pain, one I'd never give, but always cherish for what in me it's made. 

 

~~~~~

an addendum far after the fact, 08/21/22:

 

dear farhaven, 

 

i know what this post meant when i wrote it, i know it was supposed to be a one-way goodbye for a potential between us. but i am not the kind of person to let certain possibilities disappear into the wind, i know what i saw, what i felt.

 

the moments in December 2017 are clear as day to me, one of the craziest conversations i ever had with someone, and many other times i got to see inside of you. what a beautiful combination of ideals you beheld.i will never forget you, and i want you to know you are among my beacons in my Garden iA. 

we didn't quite fall in love in this life, but i envisioned myself falling for you - in a future where we were together. because of that sight that my mind and soul witnessed, your thread into my life and ambitions and goal became woven, permanently.

of course, only Allah knows what our Tomorrows hold. but i hope one Day iA, you would consent to letting me be a part of your Eternity. i may not be one who can make you laugh as much as you'd like, but by God, would i love so much to see your smile and hear your laughter, for eons without end. ameen, iA

ma'asalaama,

nomad

  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

What would this blog be if it didn't capture the best of times, the worst of times...and the most embarrassing of times?

Officially and for certain, things are over with a potential who inspired the crazy posts of the past month. Without a doubt there was much learned and many mistakes made, but alhamdulillah for everything. 

After all, there's no way to chase Tomorrow without learning from the missteps of today.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

There's no ghosts in my closet, no skeletons there to peek, out from behind a curtain, or a place from where you can't see. There's no part of my past, waiting there to jump out at you, for what I am today, is my choice in the Tomorrow I choose. If there's a blade in what I once was, that cuts you to the bone, then I'll break its edge, and make it smooth so only the future grows. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Among various things that come to mind, I recall the story of Ya'qub (as) and his exemplary patience that was so amazing, Allah captured the story in the Quran and uses it as a lesson and reminder for His Messenger (saw). And why would our Messenger (saw) need such a reminder?

When I think on the kinds of things he went through: losing his parents at a young age, becoming an orphan, losing his stalwart uncle who supported him, losing his first wife, losing a number of his children at infancy, rejected and reviled by his people who chased him out of his city, being pelted and mobbed by another town of people just for saying a few words calling to Allah....the list goes on. Yet our Messenger's (saw) heart did not change. He never sought revenge on those wronged him, nor did he become petty and seek to dominate them. 

What kind of a heart must he have had, to endure so much difficulty and hardship and pain and loss, and yet still remain a beacon of mercy and guidance for all of creation? If there a place for me to draw inspiration from, it is from Sayyedina Muhammad (saw). Truly whatever anyone else goes through in comparison to him is insignificant, and if our Nabi (saw) endured worse and remained steady, then how can I, who wish to follow him, proclaim any less? 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sometimes love is like a tornado,

no I'm not quite in it

but it feels like I'm still spinning, 

guess that's the price of admission, 

letting go of all control, 

that my Rabb may lift me higher than

any where or any time 

I've ever been.

Some storms, you can see them coming,

others drop from skies clear for miles,

this seems like one

I'd never imagine,

if it wasn't already whirling me inside.

Gotta hold to patience, so that I can find,

the center of it all, the calm of its eye.

There is where the future takes its shape,

never from loss or from pain

but only with love and hope, both sustained

across all of time, across all of space.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sometimes, the most important thing one can do for a relationship is to give it space, allow it to breathe. I'm only beginning to understand the nuances of this person. It isn't fair for me to try and go at the pace at which I myself feel, because this isn't about me at all. This particular effort is what I want to make happen for her. To be able to match the needs of another heart, means going at her pace, when and where she's comfortable. Alhamdulillah this knowledge calms me quite a bit. 

In the meantime, I'll continue to write because the heart doesn't stay silent, it keeps beating and beating, and though the dream I've found is immense, with Allah there is no fear, just for me to take it step by step by step.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Muslims have so much to learn from the kind of approach where we move past considering people as "enemies" and allow our differences to exist while trying to still learn from others and teach them about ourselves at the same time. Isolation of communities just breeds more contempt and hatred, talking and mutually respectful discussions (outside of interfaith efforts) where there's just knowledge and perspective exchanged, is truly the path to eliminating bloodshed and spreading truth.

This is one of the reasons I love Br. Nouman and the material he puts out there, may Allah accept his deeds, forgive him all of his sins, and admit him into Jannaat with an easy reckoning, ameen. 

(video courtesy of Bayyinah.TV)

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

[nameless]...

I don't want to bury you in expectation or prose, just lift you up with my hopes, past whatever pain we might have known, into serenity distilled by the path we chose. My trust isn't upon you, or even myself, it's only Allah Who will see my vision through. The only weight on my shoulders is to be mindful of the commands He's ordered, to give truth in kindness without malevolence or arrogance in disguise. 

I'm not a pruner, you're not a tree, I'm not there to cut off who you are, but to help you reach who you could be. I don't seek to control, or to tell you how to live, just to be your solace, against any harm that life may bring. 

Such are my ambitions: to carve from this life, that which brings serenity and joy, for me and the one who would be called my wife.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It isn't often that we find all the answers we seek in life, but the latest series of questions I've come across are truly puzzling. What she wanted, what I'd pretty much always longed for, was there: a desire for physical intimacy to match the need of emotional closeness, resulting in an unfathomably beautiful connection that both combined and transcended any human conceptions of what bliss could be like. Who runs away from this? Isn't this the deeply held wish of every human being? Doesn't every person seek to be accepted for who they are without conditions attached? 

 What perplexes me is that I never asked for the same in return, didn't even expect it initially. My reasoning was simply that once a good heart finds this kind of receptive home, it does what comes naturally- reciprocates. Perhaps this was too presumptuous. I suppose not everyone recognizes the potential for love in what it can be, and so they try to boil it down in easy-to-recognize ways like physical intimacy that kind of bypass acknowledging internal emotional needs (which can be quite messy and complicated), just something to be expected from one who doesn't know.

But love is amazing. It is not a thing to be confined to what we can see with our eyes or do with our bodies, it is the ability to bring both the seen and the unseen aspects of the heart's longing and what the soul wishes for, all together in one relationship. I don't want simply pleasure for pleasure's sake, to be something that prevents from purity and making connections, but instead something that's found where it should be found, in marriage, with a wife who doesn't fear her own needs and wants being met even if she thinks she can't give the same in return. The smile and joy in my wife would suffice me for any acceptance from her I need. 

I have found this is definitely true: getting involved with me is like meeting a hurricane - there's only calm there once a person reaches my center. I wish this recent potential understood, there is nothing there to fear, nothing there to run away from. One's own insecurities mean nothing if another has accepted you, just be brave and open your own heart and self in return and find that which you sought most reach you. 

But it is true, as always, that Allah does as He wills. If He turns her heart away despite this, then that's alright as it's His decree is what I'm chasing and hoping to be a part of, that every situation I come across is something that lifts me closer towards Him, perhaps making me ever-so-slightly more worthy of His rahmah that I can never do without, ameen.

...And if He turns her heart towards this? Then with His permission I get to spend the rest of our lives bringing to life what I've painted in my mind, of pictures and scenes where the ideal becomes manifest reality. The most favorite part for me might be creating the anticipation for each following day, and not just in this life, but turning Jannah into a tangible goal for her, a place she wants to belong to because it was made to be sought after. 

InshaAllah :)

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 SubhanaAllah. It seems like the recent adventure with a potential is over. Far too short for my liking, but Allah does as He wills. It is just for me to accept what He decreed for me to feel, and what He put in her heart to do.

I accepted her fully, completely, was maybe one or two steps away from loving her - while not knowing much about her other than I'd gleaned she had a good heart and was beautiful. It was interesting that she sought in me someone religious, but that the many quirks of my being came off too strongly. It would be nice if Allah allowed that connection to be completed, but if He wills me another direction, then He's always been my Rabb and me just His slave trying to find my way to His ultimate rahmah. 

I am over my past, wal-alhamdulillah, but I don't fear it nor do I run from it. I love whom I love without condition or reserve, they need not earn it but to be who they have always shown themselves to me as. My past is a record of where I came from, who I once was, but it doesn't define me nor does it strangle me. Quite the opposite, it reminds me most poetically of the mercy of Allah in how He guided me through some very tumultuous times, how He allowed me to know a few truly beautiful people that might serve as templates for me of what's worth chasing.

Onwards it is I have to go, being me in all that I am, that I might find someone inshaAllah who wants to love like I do: completely and wholly, who is undaunted by being loved, who knows that ultimately she's returning to Allah and so her wisdom better be to find a like-minded soul. Hint. Hint. 

:D