بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

of all the things being tested in life, it isn't myself that has ever really worried me. the strongest challenge, the most deafening conception, the highest hurdle, it has always been that for the ideals i have to be retained/preserved in the face of time and life and the inevitable tides that they bring. for example, love. to feel it, chase it, give it, express it, even and especially in the absence of its equal return, to try and embody it in its most deserved measure even as the exact opposite might be felt in turn - this is what i attempt to do. and the most beautifully stark irony is that, right now, my Gift cannot yet sense this part of the struggle. no matter what she shows or does not show, no matter if what i find is equivalent to what is given, i intrinsically keep reaching out, keep trying to show her what love is for me. i have feared that there may come a time i cease trying if she couldn't grasp it, that the tides of time might wear down my seeking to build this kind of bridge. inshaAllah i hope that never happens, i would struggle to be me even if it never found a home in her, for the rest of all my days. this is the price of being the idealist/dreamer/lover, always seeking to build even if the materials for the building aren't quite there. as lofty as my aim claims to be, this will pretty much always be true. 

one day, inshaAllah one day, my beloved and i find the Shade of all shades, to cover all our temporal concerns over as if they never were, that we find our rest and repose and revival in the most beautiful of places, ameen

 

Instilled

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It was just one week ago, when some avenues seemed closed or harder still to open, when she tried again to reach my soul, intently or instinct, either was beautiful to behold, of a two seeking to be one, simply to be whole. I would sear the memory as deep down as I could, just to remember the focus that she gave, unifying all of me, though it is not an easy road to pave. Therein my Gift, so much just for me to savor, finding bits and pieces, of a puzzle long thought unreachable in life for ever. A riddle she remains, some things I think I perceive, I analyze in vain, then recalling I must let go, of what is not yet for me to know. Not all the world's folk see as I might, not all dwell, as long as birds on a nest, waiting for an egg I've not seen to hatch, such an intertwining takes time to gel, time, like a bell, heard so oft ringing in my ears, reminder of both now and Then. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 truth be told, the road is pretty freaking long. maybe the one I'd walk, the longest of them all, for it has the most waiting and grand plans at its end. few things from this life remain as they were, and while I know this is a just a property of dunya, it doesn't always make the pill easier to swallow. from myself is the easy part. I can often try to do better for others, especially the ones I love. if that part won't jive, then at least I can try to ensure my evil is prevented from everyone else. but what about things from others? that is where the change always hits unpredictably. I can never ask even my beloved or family to see things the way I do, to respond how I might choose. regardless of what I find from anyone else, my reply or reaction has to find decency. if this seems like a one-way prism, it very much can be. light like the kind that fuels me is so preciously rare in life, and the more one comes to know and of people, the more scarce it seems to get. I want often to be closer to my beloved, but distance and circumstance just keep working their way in. the ones whom I would absolutely love to see smiles and laughter from, they are the busiest or farthest from me. if this sounds sappy..that's because it is. alas, for one such as me to find resonance in a "cheesy" Bollywood song. but real is real. if another could feel what I felt, then from it all that matters is knowing a pair of souls that found comfort in each other and wanted not to part. I couldn't imagine a notion more human than that. and truly, I find myself ever more human the older I get. 

in regards to expansions and contractions of the beating organ, there is only one option for me: to let it keep growing for the rest of my existence, no matter what. may my Rabb adorn every step of my road with ease, ameen.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

some revelations don't strike at sudden, rather a bit longer in the making. not always a Moon can be fullest or brightest, maybe the clouds won't let light through, or maybe time keeps it a bit duller and rusted, so what it could have reflected instead turns acidic or twisted, a reality more bitter than true. I wish my reasons and hopes, my interstellar pull and gravity would distances close, not just for selfishnesses but for something good always chose. 

even if my Rabb would so decree, for my beacons to be tested to limits and extremes, that all I found equaled not what I knew they could be, neither would aims change, nor my path alter from the course He laid. a few words from my Gift, the doldrums from the day so easily lift, though an ocean between, her voice my mind repeats, as if she were mere inches away from me. so it is for worldly provision, helping to stay steady, when other pieces of existence waver or appear not quite ready, for the submission of a shore to waves coming inevitably.

long have I asked to meet my End, sooner the better so I imagine, but His will alone keeps me living, pushing forward, breathing, reaching upward, seeking, such is the Pinnacle, ever beyond my ability but always encompassed by His permission. 

Oh life, you are such melodramatic sorrow, bitter or sweet, every moment you would lull me into thinking it's all ending or beginning, when my truth resides solely in Tomorrow. I choose Him and would do so forever, 'tis the only road that ends with me and my Love together.

 

detour

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

So in Marrakech we saw this Bollywood film, Simmba. 

Me? Bollywood? Same sentence?? This truly blows the mind. I have no explanation, except to say that I have no idea how this journey for my dream will go. Even if it happens to detour through Bollywood.

Perhaps even stranger, I liked the movie. And even more unbelievable than that, I liked its songs. And one song in particular...what can I say of it? It can only speak for itself.

 

Returns

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, back from second trip to see my Gift. It's not easy crossing so many boundaries in a relationship, but worth it to see the glimpses of potential and inshaAllah the fruits of that persistence down the road.

A few words to encapsulate what resulted, written on the plane ride back.

-

I could describe her scent, her touch, or the softness of her skin, but none of these would make her blush, for she is not quite the girlish girl, rather the woman a shade more rough. Of polishes and edges, not quite restrained in her directness, not the heart of a poet, but the beauty of a tigress. Somewhere between our selves the balance awaits, for me to find and try make matters straight, I know not how long this task might take, perhaps the rest of all my earthly days, but for all the promises I would hold, I hope He fulfills all my dreams in all their ways; ameen.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

maybe some day, when i've saved the world...just kidding..

maybe some day, when i've saved my self...just kiddin..

maybe one day, 

when He's kept me whole

and accepts my soul,

is that Day

when i rest in peace.

i know my future is His, whatever i find, He owns,

so when i've foreseen some possibility

that brings me to my knees

i'm that much closer to sujood, 

the only place i can be. 

oh Allah, i can't ever save my self, let alone those i love, i can't forestall evil or decay, i alone can be no help, You are not just my Sustainer, but You are theirs as well. if You guide us not, there's nothing of worth to find, so i beg Your aid for always, that You protect my beloved and ummah mine. ameen

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

heyyy little dude of the same name, how much you've grown since I saw you last, big beautiful eyes peering wide, cheeks perfect and pudgy, a nephew with an uncle he doesn't know he has. wish I could hold you now, make you giggle and laugh, even if it turns out that I can't, you'll still be loved, from a distance then. so much ahead, so many things to learn, I hope your aunt stays near you always, to remind and console, as things will change, but khair a constant you always know. 

May our Rabb protect and guide you forever, a source of good wherever you go and for whomever you meet, ameen. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

what a year it was, laden with so many blessings, if I began to count them, never would I find their ending. from beacons burning brighter than ever, to life's provision found inside the most unlikely treasure, this time was so much more than I could have wished, finding inside the difficulties of life, so many reasons to count toward bliss. I have no repayment for my Rabb, His gifts are too great, my being compared, but a wisp upon the wind. still, lean on Him I must, it was He Who gave me my Sun and Moon, in orbits firm and built on trust, that always might love prove to be a guide, a means of lifting higher towards the greatest End: His Paradise. and what to say of she who He made my wife? common eyes might find there no prize, but resting her soul inside, just one to settle my ocean and still its tides, the most subtle Gift for one such as i.

patience is my course, to let matters find their straightest road, forging from each moment, things to ease their load, to bring none the slightest pain, to hold no enmity or grudge, rather one to lighten and inspire, for all of my beloved.