بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

of all the things being tested in life, it isn't myself that has ever really worried me. the strongest challenge, the most deafening conception, the highest hurdle, it has always been that for the ideals i have to be retained/preserved in the face of time and life and the inevitable tides that they bring. for example, love. to feel it, chase it, give it, express it, even and especially in the absence of its equal return, to try and embody it in its most deserved measure even as the exact opposite might be felt in turn - this is what i attempt to do. and the most beautifully stark irony is that, right now, my Gift cannot yet sense this part of the struggle. no matter what she shows or does not show, no matter if what i find is equivalent to what is given, i intrinsically keep reaching out, keep trying to show her what love is for me. i have feared that there may come a time i cease trying if she couldn't grasp it, that the tides of time might wear down my seeking to build this kind of bridge. inshaAllah i hope that never happens, i would struggle to be me even if it never found a home in her, for the rest of all my days. this is the price of being the idealist/dreamer/lover, always seeking to build even if the materials for the building aren't quite there. as lofty as my aim claims to be, this will pretty much always be true. 

one day, inshaAllah one day, my beloved and i find the Shade of all shades, to cover all our temporal concerns over as if they never were, that we find our rest and repose and revival in the most beautiful of places, ameen