بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Ramadan started, alh I suppose. not gonna be for me what it's been in years past, this time and circumstance being so different. no real ability to put much into dua, aside from the core part of fardhs. the feeling of disconnect often the only aura that resonates around me, dissonance from reality and purpose that got pronounced beyond fathoming this year. what to make of 2020 thus far? it's def not hindsight or foresight or any kinda sight...in fact it's just been like blindness, for being unable to do or see in the present anything remotely substantial (like studies or work or you know, living). 

Allah does what He wills. not a fcking choice in the matter of rugs being slipped out under me again and again, it's cause enough for anger and dissent from decree...but qadr happened to be what i'm chasing...just now it found me a lot sooner and in a way i never imagined. what's my play? nadda. no play, no move to make, simple sabr whenever some shade of madness isn't running in my veins. no fault here, no villain, it's a trial (at least 3-4+ layers deep) like nothing i knew. what if i was being tried with something as deep as myself? lol wouldn't that be ironic. hahaha that's great, just great. a quality of mine i tried to sustain over the years ends up reflecting the kind of shit people can't imagine. not causal in nature, just coincidental. of course with Him ain't no coincidences, every freakin thing has a purpose, even and particularly if feeble (and annoyed) human minds can't wrap themselves around it. this is not my consolation. it's a protest. mortal and limited as it is by being human but instinctive nonetheless. deep breaths..