Sight

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Heard back from my doc today about latest scan results from the past week. The  subject line included "EXCELLENT RESULTS" in all caps, so things appear good thus far alhamdulillah. Some mention of a "metabolic remission", which is always a positive indication in matters like this. 

It's difficult to really formulate a mental response to the news, except to say there's relief over being able to look ahead again, plan things out somewhat, see how the dominoes might fall. But my Rabb seems to be alleviating the trial from me that He Himself brought, so not quite able to articulate shukr yet. It was His to begin with and it's His to take away as well. The situation reminds of a scenario like this: if one man took a knife and stabbed another but then healed him right after - how would the wounded one feel? Apprehension or gratitude? 

Without a doubt my understanding of slavehood faces its next major mental hurdle in how to digest everything that's happening. I have an inkling the only way to move forward will be the ability to internalize as blessing the fitnah itself, allowing gratitude both at the beginning and end of a trial - without allowing disillusion to become a poison in one's relationship with his Creator. The ability/instinct to desire and wish and chase after is also to be revisited/revived, for example: I can't really care too much about a Gift being near to me when so much is out of my control. It can't matter. Whether she comes or she stays there, it has to be all the same for me. Almost in a similar vein, whether I hear from beacons or not, doesn't really change anything. The path remains what it is, with an abundance of caution now imprinted onto my soul with regard to everything I'd otherwise care deeply for. 

Moments like these is why I chose a goal from akhirah to be a persistent light. If my goal was founded in dunya, how could I possibly sustain it while going through something like this? That my goal is elsewhere, alongside the Muse no less, coincides effortlessly with the fact that my Rabb sustains the objective in its entirety. Mortals might be able to delude themselves into thinking that human effort alone can suffice them for mortal/worldly goals, but the clarity of dependency on Allah is an inherent necessity when it comes to an otherworldly ambition that would have love reach the top of all the heavens (literally and figuratively). There's nothing else quite worth the trip.