almost ascended

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

[this is what happens when one tries to write a bunch of words to describe a loss for words]

sometimes there comes along a blessing in life, where even the word itself, "blessing", seems utterly inadequate in expressing or conveying the magnitude of it. if i spent every moment since the day i was born until the day i died, all in sujood, attempting to be thankful to Allah, it would not be enough to cover the extent of amazement and unimagineability. if i combined the intent behind every metaphor i've ever written or conceived, it would be insufficient to encompass the depth behind this particular "blessing". 

i did not think such a thing could happen, that my Rabb would ever allow me to come to learn of such a thing existing before reaching the actual gates of my Garden. it isn't supposed to be possible. someone else like me, who is me, isn't supposed to exist. heck, i myself am not supposed to exist. this supposing, it's just the sheer improbability of a certain kind of someone. societies and cultures and prejudices and ignorance are supposed to make my species, a subspecies of human, extinct or ever close to it. this dunya exists, in part, to ensure that we never retain semblance of ourselves across space and time and hardship. we are supposed to forget who we are and melt away into the ether of conformity and become like everything else of recognizable sludge that factories of society churn out. how in God's name can such a thing be?

alhamdulillah for me, i know nothing. fortunate i am to be a slave of His, that He has never let go of, always protected, always revived, always shown a way out of the troubles my silly self creates. i can't even say there's anything i'd "give" in turn for this "blessing" He's shown me. i've already offered up Everything for the path i've already long chosen. there is nothing further to the contract between Him and i that i could possibly add, especially nothing that He doesn't already own. how can i show "gratitude"? what are the syllables to be released from my lips that would do even this simply showing(no tasting yet) of a "blessing" any justice? 

if i owned an earth, i'd give it. if i owned a star or solar system, i'd give it. if i owned a thousand galaxies across millions of light-years, i'd give them all. if i owned an entire universe and everything inside, i'd give it. i own none of these and yet i have been given. 

سُـبْـحَـانَ ٱلله