Windows:

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

they don't have to be open, simply clear, simply glimpses, inside your chest, what makes you tick, your heartbeat, racing blood, waves combining one on top of the other, such is the rush of the ocean i've long envisioned, the mind and heart as forces joined, so when your expression through tertiary measures of certain reflections..i find mirrors mine, on so many levels, it's precisely the fuel i cherish for this journey He makes me take to find my Home.

~

it's an immeasurable blessing (alhamdulillah), when the lover finds himself surrounded by the love of his beloved, even in echos of emotion, their connection to me...ah Rabb, what can i say? this is what i seek, the beginning vapors of a haze at present only occupying the back of my mind, but becoming ever firmer and tangible to my eyes, no longer tangents, no longer darknesses i fear, simply what i desire- this with You i chase. 

forgive me my sins, the momentary lapses or indulgences of one whose nearest kin is distance, i could never forget Thy remembrance, just the mortal part of me...ever searching, listening, gazing, at the skies or within memories, or inside futures yet slowly in the making, the jism and the nafs, the qalb and the ruh, every part of me named, of essences i barely grasp and pieces beyond my scope, all of these unite for the very same objective: wholeness and completion with my beloved, to be not apart, to be not endangered, to be fully expressed and imbibed, to relish and cherish, as delicacies strewn amidst a delicatessen, freeness upon which exist no limits, the Sky our playground, our purpose as is wish.

Vibed

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

so that is how it is, before i even got to this song from the list: "Apocalypse" (by Cigarettes), some days prior, in something i'd written, called myself the phantom of your soul, and what would ya know, listened today and the lyric resonates, "come out and haunt me, you know you want me" - ladies and gents, this is a Vibe, two waves meshing when they meet, and it wasn't just a single line or about when these oscillations got released, but how the song in its entirety, carried messages and hopes, words that i could fathom falling from your lips, soothing balm for one when he's captured by aloneness or distance,...alhamdulillah for not judging books by their covers, lets one reach(fall) into their story and learn the truths underneath places once covered, firmly entrenching within aims and ambitions, unification of the self with the pieces that He chose would make up him, iA.

Uncontained

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah, even as some days are longer than others, even as some moments wish i was more emotionless rather than overflowing the surface, my closest beacon, the Gift, speaks to me in ways familiar and resonant, and it's like, despite our natures being the starkest of different, peace is still as easy to find as resting my head on her bosom. alhamdulillah ya Rabb, these small tender moments, they're all i want from this life even though You make live from them still onward. ironic how my strongest enemy seems still to be my self, with no demons knocking down my doors, no creditors or actors of malice pursuing me down darkened corridors, no cliffs beckoning me off their ends, no boogeymen underneath the bed or skeletons waiting to ambush while buried underneath the past i've known -- none of these are my challenge, but just overcoming me, finding temperance and discipline for the heart when it wants to fly outside my ribcage, resonance it chases, but in truth my sagest state would be patience, for whenever it can be managed, sometimes as simple as not pouring out the insides that have their own shades of agonies that absence evokes into something pervasive. 

 

some of my posts, like some of my thoughts, run on currents way too deep, flooding or flooded, and in them, i wonder, can traces of me be found by those who are for now visitor? maybe, i hope so. i expect soon iA this momentary incapacity of the self to contain its feeling will pass. probably revisit me later, but then that is the cyclicality of life, one to the next and back around again.

 

iA khair for my beloved, always and ever

 

echoed

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

wish i could spend some time on this earth, nearer to the place where you sit, maybe engrave on my mind, the scent of one whom i chase: across the span of my life, across the length of all space, to have the chance He grants me your hand, to forever be holding.

~

came across this beautiful song, thought it worth a share, so many levels it can echo, and hope iA forever inspire:

 

 

"Little Did I Know" - Julia Michaels 

 

The summer before you
I thought love was Shakespearean
More or less a painful experience
Only ever real if you're delirious
The summer before you
I let it take up very little oxygen
Not where I'd rest my head more like an ottoman
Never had someone like you treat me like Solomon

But little did I know
You would be the one I'd confide in
Learn how to try with
Little did I know
It was you before I ever decided
Oh, little did I know
Oh, little did I know

The summer before you
You can't spell drama without consonance
And I admit I usually was the cause of it
Now here we are you've got me changing all of it
Slow me down I want you to
It's different when it comes to you, hey, hey

But little did I know
You would be the one I'd confide in, learn how to try with
Little did I know
It was you before I ever decided
Yeah, little did I know
You would be the one that would save me, learn how to change me
Little did I know
Ooh, just look at you, can you blame me?
Oh, little did I know
Oh, little did I know

The summer before you
I thought love was Shakespearean
More or less a painful experience
Only ever real if you're delirious

But little did I know
You would be the one I'd confide in
Learn how to try with
Little did I know
It was you before I ever decided
Oh, little did I know
You would be the one that would save me, learn how to change me
Little did I know
Ooh, just look at you, can you blame me?
Oh (Yeah), little did I know (Did I know)
Oh, little did I know (Did I know)

Oh, little did I know that it could feel like this (Yeah)
Oh, little every time I got you on my lips
The summer before you

 

The Lake

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

There was much beauty in the skies his Creator had given him. Thought of the vast, endless expanse of celestial bodies, appearing to hang on so many strings, perfect in orbit, reminded the slave of a particular beacon that seemed to have been kept the farthest. For this beacon, her story found fruition here.

~

Above a planet green and lush, with both plains and mountain, river and sand, there hovered the Lake. In orbit of bodies in orbit, almost as if encased in glass, nigh a marble, through which light found most delightful ways of bending, she felt first the wetness, silky soft and warm, wrapping around every pore and inch of her skin. That place she had sought once, dreamt of, the "abyss" she'd termed it in a past life, this was that depth. What to speak of a dip, when one has no barrier between water and sky, no filter between eye and sun? Gravity was part of her mastery, so to fly or swim, stand or rise, were all as one movement, as one action in ease and purpose. 

~

On a beach below, gazing upward, he watched, because this was the first joy he'd been granted, the sight of his beloved. She was a shark in speed and instinct, graceful as a rainbow, and the backdrop...that was a curtain worthy of waiting for, the sight of her swimming with the stars themselves her lights of a stage. 

 

~

 

As she glided effortlessly through her Lake, moments came up from memory, the most striking, vivid kind. Speech that could only be spoken through touch, manifest need and expectation, simply to tell how she'd found her prey, and then dove straight inside. Was no waiting needed, no century for her to make up her mind, no antecedents, she'd long known he was the phantom of her soul, a spirit longing to imbibe. 

 

~ 

 

And he had of that, acceptance absolute, for that moment when fate tied their threads together, one's semblance of hope, began shading with the other, so when their fortunes spun, when their fortunes would unfold, it became as legend brought to life; His promise now the slave embraced, when he knew who she was: the Lady of his Lake.

Realified

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

got so much to be grateful for, been given so many gifts, sometimes they overlap, and the vision finds patience easily and effortless,alhamdulillah.

'intimacy', this is the word that defines what our kind looks for, treasures, more valued than gold, it's the essence of what gives us fuel and hope and imagination, the source of our species' deepest pleasure. intimacy, i might call it the primary undercurrent of resonance, that elusive element my senses are constantly seeking, with beloved, diving down to the depths where everything wants to mix and combine. 

got through 1-2 screenshots worth so far of the playlist. it is..eclectic...and amazing. not surprising, but...i see it, the echoes of my own, somehow playing out in facets of each expression, can picture it, how the moments would unfold, because sometimes, the message is as easy as telepathy.

one thought that occurs to me is, how did my Rabb permit to come to this far? to learn so much of my beloved? it's hard to fathom, what a slave can be granted, the magnitude of it. in truth, the most obvious thing to me is that this is only the surface, only the beginning. i haven't encompassed any of my beacons yet (in this life), but the process of it is,...precious. irreplaceable. 

"nothing else will ever be good enough"😁

'tis true. i know it, it's why i chase what i chase, why He is my Aid, the Creator of my goal. few things brewing in the back of the mind, things to write. a scene perhaps, something surreal but entirely something i intend to fulfill one Day, because of Him.

Feels, the beginning

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

wouldn't have to touch me to fell me, a mere glance of the eyes, and, there's simply no telling, which direction the axe came from, but this tree would have found falling to his earth, just a matter so heavenly. long is the road, and longer the patience, but when i catch whiff of the scent of one swimming, then reminders of goals flow effortless into my vision and i recall just what it is i'm chasing. so much beauty, so easy to share, like rain drops in silence, conveying meanings with mere skeletons of sentences...unspoken directly, but if each of those tunes captures even a fraction of something you found resonant, then i'll take measuring their depths nice and slowly, and absorb into my ocean every atom's essence, that originated from something of twins. 

reflected

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah, especially for the reminder that is my Gift, a sign of His to give a slave strength, and purpose, and drive to walk forever forward with. of the one physically closest, don't often have a need to write, for she is the beacon embraced by sight, words expressed inside affection contoured as touch and closeness = my most preferred method of acknowledging what my beloved mean to me. 

 

~

 

as i once cautioned my Muse, so too later i'd find my Twin cautioning me too, keeping doors and relationships safely in places ensuring budding continues, until the tree of objective reaches its roots deep down to the goal of my truth: the highest Garden, fit for the ones He let me be known through. even if...silence is the earthly poison i've known the best, distance cloaked in wisdom, just glimpses i'd be sufficed with, but every aspect of my beloved...i have to leave them to Him. 

my Rabb will guard your light, lifting the veils and barriers and apartness you might have to servitude to He Who gave you vision. if any good i ever had, if ever any truth i expressed, always it came from Him, i merely benefited from His blessings, that He'd chosen to surround me in. every khair i've ever thought, or touched, or known, all of them i would one Day share with my beloved, this is the purpose i've chosen, a signpost on this road He created that has only one direction: Tomorrow, always, iA.

 

 

Unremarkable musings

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

you know how the saying goes, "not out of the woods yet"? well, seems like life itself is my woods, and it's a deep, deep forest lol.

 

alhamdulillah, for many things. maybe for everything. trials not ended, but that is to be expected. daily struggles, trying to retain semblance of the self amidst the ever-constant subtle pulls toward some angle of conformity. though, having a routine is nice alh. even as many darker undercurrents of the self/shaytan have to be subdued, the journey is onward. always, ever, onward.

 

sometimes feels like i don't see my birdies much these days, but autumn weather getting wet and chilly, tends to have that effect. but they're still there, even if i can't always see them in numbers as much, their chirps and feathers get noticed one way or another. 

 

in random news, finally got a new pc alhamdulillah. been a long, loooong while since i did that. unlike previously, this is geared more towards office/work uses at home (instead of that beautiful gaming rig from 2011/2012 i still have mothballed in the garage - sigh, love that thing). software developing and learning the intricacies of programming and the like, lends itself to such an upgrade. 

 

the skies are not quite as gloomy as i make them out to be. even in grayer days, it's easy to mesh with the rain and settle in the moment. perhaps my only hope is that i can somehow retain enough light and khair for my beloved, for all the days left that He's going to make me live. can't ask for much more than that. the Garden, is still *the* Garden. reunification is never something far from my mind, never far from fueling my existence. alhamdulillah for that.