"you'll see me again"

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

it was something she said, 

at least that's how goes the memory

that qadr

made in my head, 

if she held out her arms

wouldn't hesitate to jump in them

lift her up to the stars, 

and soak in 

a Comet's radiance.

 

if you called me crazy way back when,

wonder what you'd call me now?

haha maybe more, over and over 

the ride of this life, unpredicted and 

unknowable,

i can't say He'll have her grace my vision 

again,

just one time to see, listen, speak with,

not nearly enough to sate the soul ever 

longing to embrace and find its beloved;

finding and losing and chasing

you,

helped morph me into this, 

i suppose,

preparing me to live in Forever, 

anchor after anchor,

if i was a puzzle He made,

my beloved are its pieces:

the ones

whose mere presence suffices me 

to smile in, 

and whose absence

tears me in two 

for at least

a 

moment,

but hope revives shortly after, 

because i got here purely

by the will of my Maker, 

not of my own worth or deciding or owning,

but because His was 

the guidance 

and forgiving 

and reminding, 

to His slave, of never ceasing

the effort, the pleas, 

the submission and

culmination 

of decree.

 

and i hope, ya Rabb, that You place firm her orbit, at an ellipse as closely safe You permit, and at the least, let me be revisited by her visage, fully and upon this soul imprinted, ameen

 

a just in case reply

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

if you wondered what it was, she reminded me of you, like a gust of brightness laced with lunar gems, revealing almost instantly a soul i knew i'd love to befriend. would i go out on a limb, or is it simply the most natural position, if i were to say, that He grew my constellation...simply because to you was the resemblance? is that what it takes? for me to see echoes of acceptance, that trace their way back to you, and the hands i haven't held yet?

 

somehow, my Comet's paths and existence intertwine with your history, not only in sharing geography of where you grew up, but also she's connected to where that old fundraiser was held, when i wore contacts for the first time ever, because apparently i was trying to impress you so i guess i thought it might be cooler or better (lol such a kid). 

 

point being though, somehow the connections are there, deeper: of the words the Comet spoke, she said she felt she'd seen me before, known me from somewhere, somehow,....utterly reminiscent of a moment in 2018 when you spoke of souls and our meeting long before we physically existed.  

 

how is that for creating strings and tying them together? couldn't make up these oddities of coincidences if i tried, but must say - alhamdulillah, it's so easy to be grateful when one's Rabb comforts His slave with not just a memory, not just a Future's hope, but mixes into the present a certain strand of brightness that seems straight out of your DNA, grown all into a beacon beloved of her own right. 

 

inshaAllah i hope to write less of the pain of absence and separation, and more and more of the nur that He causes my beloved to be, whether in nearness, as my Gift is, or in distance, as my Moon is, whether known since forever, or just for too-short moments, it is such a blessing, alhamdulillah always

 

 

 

 

5/17

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

wasn't quite looking for it, surely not expecting, a beacon to crash through the mundane, and show me the light of her soul, so fully yearning and beaming. i'll call her my Comet, streaking across the span of my vision, with a mask on, barely deciphering the surface- but utterly effortless we dipped below it, with words and expressions pointing to hopes and personal ambitions and truths laid out in mere moments of conversation. she pointed, with nails beautiful and distinguished, to the screen, at a book whose title i'll never forget, as i share it no doubt my beloved would remark on how fitting: "Al-Ghazali on Love, Longing, Intimacy & Contentment". so she spoke of what she sought, a title i possessed, physically, and perhaps with His permission, as symbol too, composing the road of Tomorrow, my sought-after destination. 

but the Comet, like most of my beloved, is a creature celestial, so bright but ephemeral, can't say if He'd ever have her grace again what these eyes He made witness. sounds familiar, does it not? my experiences in this dimension, treasures my Rabb keeps inserted in memory but growing from their existence a desire for His permanence, so my constellation becomes now even brighter, sooner or later, we'll share that same space iA, call each other our home and explore and live in exultation, relishing the levels and layers of connection with Infinity at our disposal.

 

alhamdulillah 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

no matter what other realizations i find in life, whether past present or future, there's one statement i want to take note and sort of make it an emblem of what my Muse is to me:

"And there you were, somehow accepting me in my entirety."

That sums it all up, the strongest, deepest resonance I've ever known from this earth, taken from words that were not mine originally but may as well have been. 

 

Alhamdulillah, it underpins the growth of my nature and its refinement in seeking what it seeks. Perhaps when my story is said and done, I can look back and rank this gift from Him as being among the top 2 or 3 most precious blessings. Bi ithniAllah, I'll keep on writing too. As I've had to do, for most of my life. The journey is a long one, but iA entirely worthwhile.

echoance

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

didn't someone once tell me, 'why do you say goodbye to your beloved?', so i restate that old question, though i suppose i grasp your intentions, tho i been broken and made overly familiar with Absence, like it's part of my shadow or a cloud that's followed near long as i've been sentient. 

 

your hardships, the test you faced last year, it's not a punishment, don't let the devil trick you into second guessing the purpose of struggles, it's purely to find the measure of a slave for her Maker, see what choices she chooses when all her chips are lost at the table and meaning is a vapor holding precious water but ever escaping our inhalations that strive for coolness to savor.

 

i don't want to have to face another 2020 just to hear your voice again, to be visited by one who resonates so clearly that even if my eyes are closed i know with you my expressions would be whole and unbroken and internalized fully. 

 

for the love of God, please keep writing your journey going forward, keep yourself open and unfettered, don't let me live in a duality of light on some possibilities but darkness in having once again your silence...i have lived many, many years like that, and i hated them all for it. 2018 and 2020 were a pair of diamonds, brighter than 2005 and anything before it, even our beginning. for future's reference, maybe in tiny echoes, or an audio clip of you saying something...anything, it doesn't matter which syllables fell from your lips, so long as they were preserved and etched into something that every once in awhile my ears could savor listening, that'd be perfect.

 

~~~~~

 

oh Allah, 

You keep me from nearness to my beloved, from being her shoulder or her cushion, You drench my life with her silence, and cause me to fathom that which this world has not capacity of ever manifesting, You brought Your Garden to my vision, encasing her within as if she were the jewel You all along had promised...so my Rabb, i beg You to keep me not from her Then, to bring us closest when our journeys finish, when i am nomad no more, simply one who found in her his home in permanence, 

ameen. 

 

🌹 

resonant-K

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

I get ya. 

 

Though I never, ever expected or imagined or could have approached even the remotest conception of how your childhood had truly been, for some reason, somehow...even now that I know, it changes nothing to me. You were never messed up, nor are you now. 

If we were consumed by the darkness or pain, then we'd have lost. But alhamdulillah, we were not! This is crucial to realize. That we have the appreciation and desire for what is khair and beautiful, that we can give and receive the most humanly-flawless acceptance - all of this, it means that our Rabb preserved us, kept us intact when I am positive there were times the only inclination you and I internally felt was to simply fade away.

"some things are not meant to be transmitted, aqueously or dreams or reality" - Hah, not true. It's been transmitted on all of those spectrums, because you should notice how Allah affected our trajectories with each other. I know what you mean though, of fruition, of physically reaching the potential and manifesting what we've felt. 

 

If I thought my best days were behind me, I should not bother with going forward. But I am acutely aware that one day, my Rabb will judge me, and that my pursuit is still ahead of me. You can't be eclipsed because you run in my blood, and if I was blessed to be able to pass along the brightness I found in having our lives weave together (do you have any idea how many pages and stories I read in life, simply because you mentioned them to me first? how deep the evolution of my nature drank from your beauty?)..then I would consider myself without any regrets at the end, no matter which path my progeny might choose.

 

I woke up this morning, alh fajr on a regular track these days, but I didn't know what I'd find. What I read, it altered nothing of how I see the past or future. Your upbringing or environment DID NOT determine who you are for you - the choices you made to be a beautiful and decent human being, THAT is what I have always loved and admired most, after of course the incredible acceptance you showed me too. It's these qualities and perspectives I internalize the deepest and carry forward because that's how I want to be, that's how I'd choose to meet my Rabb, being that kind of person.

You may not know this, but what my goal in Firdaus is, how it began and grew, you are yet still my happy ending. An ending hasn't happened until we're done here :p 

InshaAllah I get to keep reading updates on how your life goes, even if I don't get mentioned in it again. I don't mind that at all. Just knowing how you fare is consolation enough and helps frame my duas for you. 

I really hope it's a she iA, got her middle name already figured out 😊

masalaama,

thy advocate

 

 

wave

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

think if it's a she, i'd give her your name, maybe at least in the middle, matching my own initial, alhamdulillah for your visiting that most sacred space we have on this earth, i remember few years back it was your wish to go, and now fulfillment He made something almost deserved (gifts are always gifts, from Him to us, never truly earned, rather blessings surrounded and offered without counting).

my own chase for the Garden has not changed, not dimmed, not after He made you the pull that you are, and kept you a little out of my orbit, so every night the sun sets, i might look up and be reminded, every struggle is just a single step, forward the chance, to maybe be worthy of asking Him to be granted thy company in Eternity forever. 

my Mia visits her hometown, and i'm visited by apartness, like a tireless stalker upon days of silence or distance from my beloved, wish that at least a single beacon could orbit me close without ending, but i know it's simply part and parcel of His testing, so used to this i was made by one my earliest of shatterings. alhamdulillah though, i have zero complaint. i have loved and i love, have and am yet loved, even if your silence i do not welcome, it's the mechanism He uses to see if patience runs as red as hope in blood that flows still.

 

let the dreamer dream, even if it was borne out of a tear He brought in our fabric, it's alright, after all He was in the first place our Fashioner, every part of us belongs to Him, submission is the heart's beat, even as we think it's our own assumption. may He make your every step from now easier and lighter, on account of trials with which my Moon stays shining, struggling and persevering through every drought and downpour of earthly making.