- in the name of Allah -

My Proposal: for the one it's always been, k
for now and always
~
If I called you to a time, when the sun always shined, 
except when we'd rather stroll in flurries of snow,
or walk without umbrellas in the rain, 
or fly like birds at the speed of a plane;

If I called you to a place, where love was in every atom's trace,
each making the brightness bloom ever more brilliant and breathless,
until every inhalation brought joy out of our pores, pleasing the senses,
a pleasure pure, absent anything doleful or less than the very best;
~
If my Rabb grants me what I seek, of His bounty and His grace,
If my Rabb forgives me what I implore, of my faults and my shame,
If my Rabb bestows me what I crave, of His mercy and His solace,

Then all these scenes come into being,
Then all these hopes turn from lead into gold,
Then all these echoes link yesterday with tomorrow;
~
If I should, by Allah's will alone, find myself at the Gates of Firdaus,
And prayed that you found your end to mine quite close,
And asked you just one thing: for your hand to take,
Would you nod assent, and gift my heart your soul?

If I called you to a life beyond the one we see with our eyes,
If I called you to a future amidst Allah's company, the most refined,
If I asked you to meld your eternity with mine,
What would you reply?

- in the name of Allah -

color me Red already

it's true, my blood when it bleeds, same as any other when it's seen, a deep red, flowing from exit without prejudice, but the color isn't just part of the biological scheme, mostly it's from a cavern of the heart, keeping in it all your remnants, pieces of a jigsaw puzzle waiting to be resurrected. anticipation or madness, twinned heavenly aspects orbiting me in ever-slight shades of sadness, sometimes His rope I turned into a chain, fashioned in the past over forges of ignorance and apathy, but Allah's mercy and grace dominated my every dimension and plane, so the forges cooled to stillness, mirroring you to blessing in intent and purpose, instead of heat to punish the self it become fuel to burn for Heaven over Hell. the veins in the soul, the ducts of the eyes, in this life they'll never cease, they'll never be closed, as mechanisms releasing what's inside, to carve with their fluids through rocks of Earth, rivers in Firdaus as a place they long to go.

- in the name of Allah -

Watching part of Bayyinah's Quran Cover-to-Cover series, came across another definition of "fitnah":  when gold is purified from ore.

Is it at all amazing this process requires tremendous heat to separate the gold from the impurities? The symbolic connection to catharsis is...staggering. I figure humanity as a species fails to appreciate this lesson over and over again, because the moment we get caught up in a passing hardship it's like the only thing we can see, it clouds the vision and makes itself seem so much larger than it is.

Ain't true. Indeed with every hardship, comes ease. Also helps to keep Allah in mind in the midst of those storms, so we can foresee the growth coming after their rain.

- in the name of Allah -

of hopes

I hope that inferno stays ignited, with flames that never wane,
I hope it casts the brightest light, to open the doors of Paradise.

I hope that heart holds fast to faith, with zeal to match the blaze,
I hope it finds the best of reasons, to marry tomorrow in every season.

I hope that face retains its eager smile, to greet with patience all in life,
I hope it lets go of any frown, and tastes as sweet any lemons or limes.

I hope that soul keeps its reassurance close, as days pass by in blinks of eyes,
I hope it finds good with Allah everything it knows, and seeks to always fly. 

- in the name of Allah -


Typically when I've used the term 'grounded', it's referred to a means of being connected to the earth, being more in tune with aspects of dunya. Curiously, it doesn't seem to fit these days. Given as to how I've fashioned with Allah's help goals of akhirah, it seems I've adopted the perspective of needing anchors into the skies, rather than the kind that go into the earth. These sky tethers as I'll call them, help frame the connection to looking forward, upward, of bringing that which is far off (in human terms) nearer. So if that is the case, then what stops me from being absorbed into that state, from 'forgetting' to live as it were? Simply put, the reason is Allah. His will keeps me here so long as He decrees and there is no advancing or delaying it. I don't think any stronger means of being grounded could exist, so this should serve iA as the useful counter in those moments where I try to become even more immaterial than I already am. 

As to yesterday, alh the moment did pass, though its afterimage sticks with me. As one particular sky tether reminded me, "in the end, waAllah that is all that matters", an advice to keep focus on the goal ahead and not worry on the intermediate unknowns of this life we can't solve right away. Sound counsel mA.

- in the name of Allah -


somehow need to staunch this gash, find a means to control the flow, holding my guts in my hands, just a pen but when words are all that I am, being written disembowels whatever's inside, so I'm left barely breathing, barely a man. 

one gasp and stricken, this is the day where I wish nothing came out if I spoke, but from down within the trenches a void reigns so letters manage to choke, making handfuls of syllables in a crowd of anguish, vast solitude becoming to my goal a yoke. 

it's just a moment, then without trace it'll vanish, a present from fate though I never planned it, need to open the wrapping, thank Allah I'm still alive and able to stand it. 

 

- in the name of Allah -


tomorrows of today


underneath every ambition lit, inside of every rising spark, there's a flicker of you within, helping push away the dark. it's as if the past was but a prologue, a vapor made from souls tested to utmost limits but never lost. I've reached many times the fences to meaning in expressions, natural enclosures that almost prevent me from getting my point across time and spatial dimensions. these monologues, they seem to stretch for eternities along deserts of mirage and oceans of fog, landscapes created to obscure the vision and make this life seem the end of all. but it is not and can never be, as from this dream one day we'll wake and prove ourselves in what we've seen, inshaAllah.

 

- in the name of Allah -


If It's Better (as only Allah knows)..

...I hope these words you come to find:
as soothing rain, when life has left you dried,
as a pair of wings, when days are flightless filled,
as beacons bright in starry skies, when light fades from mind,
as gentle shade, when summer's heat is but a blaze, 
as an autumn breeze, when distress makes it hard to breathe.

If we considered stars as blessings, then Allah gave me so many that shine, 

And among all those gifts, you'd be my nova, glowing forever sublime.

- in the name of Allah -

Ya Rabb, please hold my place, 
there, in Firdaus, where dreams await,
Ya Rabb, I beg of You, my heart to hold
with You, for now it becomes, just so cold.

Oh Allah, sometimes, I see as enemies in allies,
wonder I do these steps I take, towards death or life?
if by all around, friend or foe, I am questioned or loathed,
please sustain all I am, in mind and heart, body & soul.

Oh Turner of Quloob, keep mine in Your company,
I am no caretaker of anything, with me would it I lose.
all of man may me a pariah cast, all around my being may shun,
but if You alone should bring me close, what fear have I, to be undone?

Ya Maalikul Mulk, I own nothing, desire here even less,
only that Your favor upon me be complete, so with You I may rest.
let me see no other Saviour, let me find no other solace,
except in You to defend my hope, and with You fulfilled a promise.

-ameen

- in the name of Allah -


not enough expressions in the language, not enough seconds in the minute I'm given, to truly tell how far go the blessings, from past to future to present, it's just gift after gift laden by meaning transcendent, every pain from yesterday wrapped into purpose, seeking Allah's presence and mercy like arrows in slow-motion loosed, He showed me love so I might lose it, taste the loss so I knew what to chase in the best of places (Firdaus) at whatever the cost, He made my inner nature gravitate to ideals to see how the world would crash them and burn in ashes, that I might become the phoenix and soar to His Heaven with all His wind at my back, He let me be with my parents in old age and reverting in nature, that I might have another chance at His pleasure by giving them their kindness earned without reserve or measure, He let me wander through darknesses while never buried completely, so I would treasure His light when He brought me through them to see, He gave me every thing I've ever had, made me every thing I'll ever be, so I might show for His gifts gratitude and gladness, a road through every hardship and angst, to find myself with Him for ever in eternity complete.

For Allah, because it seems I (can) never write enough about Him. 

- in the name of Allah -


Looking Forward

there is a vision I've seen of autumn trees changing colors in the breeze,
a pallette to dazzle the senses, enrapture the eyes, tranquility for the restless. 

it hung in the sight for just mere minutes, before reality once again beckoned, 
but subhanAllah was it so sweet, a step into Gardens even better than I can dream.

this, by Allah's mercy and permission, just the beginning of bliss, a glory unremitting.

- in the name of Allah - 


Among other thoughts lately, it occurs to me that the notion of "fighting fate" is a very flawed one. It is not fate that one is ever truly fighting, but rather one's own self. I suspect fate is an easy scapegoat for one who's faced troubles that take more than he has to defeat them, so by blaming 'fate', there's no need to accept responsibility for one's own part in the failure. 

No doubt I've done this in the past, in some attempt to understand things too painful to swallow while too shortsighted myself to see beyond them. I do not think the human being ever needs to worry about fighting predestination/qadr/fate/time/etc. All of these are just excuses and pretenses created by the weaknesses of our lesser selves and shayateen, so that we wallow in the misery created instead of being able to open our eyes to something greater. In essence, if we give in to the temptation to lay blame on something else, we invite despair into our lives. For if the afflicted one can blame something else, then what else is there for him but to despair that it happened because he had not control over it and thus justify to himself his lowered state? 

It is true we do not control what comes tomorrow, what the weather may be, whether we will even live or die a year or second from the present moment. But I suspect the weakness we have to deny responsibility plays a large role in overstating how important "control" actually is. Truly, it is not as mighty as we give it credit for, especially because the human being is not at the center of the universe, not even his own if seen at a personal level. 

Maybe the most important crux of Islam is the ability of submission, to accept that Allah is greater than anything and everyone, that the highest position of a living being is to be considered His slave. Unquestionably it's hard to give in to this notion. Human beings love their sense of independence and self-direction and choosing the path they want. Perhaps in all other facets of life this can be indulged to a small degree. But the exception is and must be with Allah, that our recognizance of His ultimate dominion over everything and especially over us remains steady in our vision. No matter what our societies shape, no matter what technologies we form, it does not and can never compare to Allah and His creation of all that exists to begin with. Being able to place the self and ourselves as a species on the right balance of things, that is where the strongest and best path to serenity is. 

It is also true that not everyone is given the ability to submit. Wealth, power, influence, children, looks, etc, all of these are given howsoever Allah wills to whomever He wills. But being able to submit, that is to declare Allah supremely above one's self and one's self immensely below Allah, that is given by Allah only to those whom He loves. For those who do not care for that, who do not seek Allah, this presents no issue. When they disregard Him, they only risk being disregarded by Him; their recompense not a thing far off. 

But what if one does care to be loved by Allah? How to seek Him? The answer really is amazingly simple: just make dua and ask Him to make one among those whom He loves. The beauty of this is that, if Allah loves someone, He creates pathways for him or her to find Him, see Him in aspects of life, makes guidance a thing beloved to that individual. Something so incredible, and I think the way there is so unimaginably simple: to ask Him.  

- in the name of Allah -



Memory Preserved

some memories are born as roses, with our eyes blind to its thorns,
then grow their way into pain, as we cut our mind on promises worn. 

along the way, some may choose to let them fade, 
like a flower past its bloom, laid as hope wreathed upon a grave.

for a time, this was the choice for my self I made,
to fall upon a sword, and relish the only thing to feel as pain. 

but glory all belongs to my Rabb, who decreed my path not done,
He brought back to life those roses dried, in splendor beheld as light.

thus for now, with all the days of mine on this earth remain,
just planting seeds for tomorrow, so they might shine in His shade.

- in the name of Allah -


Dreams are like chandeliers, they need light to shine at them so their true brilliance can show. A chandelier in the dark reflects nor amplifies nothing, just gathers dust. But once it has light coming in, it scatters the rays in various directions, brightening not just the initial trajectory but anything else nearby as well. In a house built on stable foundations, with the right support and design, the chandelier adds to the overall sense of beauty and purpose. Conversely, adding a chandelier to a dilapidated building only serves to accentuate what its surroundings lack, in contrast making the rundown condition stand out further. Similar is the state of the human being's soul, whether it is neglected and falls into spiritual disrepair, or its nutrition and upkeep is maintained so that the chandelier and other vital parts of the framework stay intact. Time and life and lesser impulses always try to chip away at the paint, to make dents and imperfections in what's being attempted. These will happen. But I'm finding the key is to patch up those flaws at their outset, not give them time to fester and become something worse. 

And who better to know how to fix these things, than the one who made them in the first place? - Allah. 

 

- in the name of Allah -


still human I am, still mortal my sight, 
live I must, regardless of plight, 

seeking a light, to accompany my own, 
shackled for now, to one who can't let go,

the iron-y palpable, like pills in overdose,
taste of hemophilia, where wounds won't let close,

my grave will be mine, no one's to share,
dreams and deeds both, to keep company there.

- in the name of Allah -


Among some recent observations made, a part of the ayah:

وَلَا تَكُونُوا كَالَّذِينَ نَسُوا اللَّهَ فَأَنسَاهُمْ أَنفُسَهُمْ

- Surah Al-Hashr [59:19]

 "...and be not like those who forgot Allah, so Allah made them forget themselves..."

It occurred to me that the inverse of this should also hold true: that to remember Allah becomes the means by which the identity of the self is preserved. As forgetting Allah eventually results in losing one's self, so should remembering Allah lead to being able to find one's self as well. And quite literally this is one of the underpinnings of my own existence. The most wholesome peace I have ever known has always been in dhikr of Allah to some extent, whether in praying or dua or just remembering internally. Part of my nature is to try and retain the identity of what makes me 'me', and the only times I've really been able to know this was with Allah, through Him. Any other manifestation of self-awareness or purpose never really reached the potential that an idealist sets up, but the potential with Allah has no limits and retains the perfection in Him as its penultimate goal. What better than to seek the best end with He who made and sustains and ordains everything?

If one seeks to be reminded of who they truly are, then that reality is only going to be found in remembering Allah, keeping a connection to Him open regardless of circumstances or anything else. Human beings need many things, want maybe even more, and seeking that from anywhere else just seems so...inadequate. Why turn to other humans or self-made concepts that arejust as vacuous as our own whims? There aren't any answers there, only more of the void leading to further misery. It'll always amaze me how challenging life is for ideals, to keep them, hold on to them while reality slowly and inevitably tries to burn them away. What's worth having, worth striving for, no doubt doesn't come without its price, to forsake a lesser thing for the greatest reward. Like most things, there's a balance to be struck between accepting everything as it comes and trying to forge something brighter between whatever darknesses befall us. Acceptance doesn't have to mean/imply inaction, internalizing the qadr of Allah shouldn't shortchange the ambition or will of a human being. Rather I would say it should make our flame burn ever brighter to try and seek the ridwaan of Allah. If one sees their path going down a dark or lonely road, then fight the loss, search desperately for truth, make dua without any reservations, struggle against those currents of life that try to drown the human being. Whatever helps us cling to Allah, keeps our focus on Him, helps us understand our need versus His providence, find it, tooth and nail, hold on to it with everything you have. Eventually, after a time of clinging like a half-mad person about to fall off a boat in a stormy sea, the rope settles and becomes so easy to climb, bi ithniAllah. Just that cognizance has to be there that we need Allah, not the other way around. 

Some of the darker places I've known in life, total contrast to this now. Life is never without its journeys, without its good and bad, but honestly the best anchor possible I think is only found in akhirah. Keeping a goal for then, wanting and needing it such that one's very existence begins to shift towards it, so the distance between the Seeker and his Sought becomes smaller, day by day, with the help Allah it's a brightness that cannot fade - because it far surpasses what can even be imagined.

 

- in the name of Allah -


shards of an echo, grasped once again though they cut in the palms, like a mollusk a starfish can't let go, it's dinner after all, dinner for the soul. might as well be breakfast and lunch too, digest the past and present to make futures worth forging new. the apartness at times gets so compressing, like trying to breathe deep while underwater and no means of venting. alas for the moments-in-between, hiding tomorrow from today, defining clouds not by their being gray, but by rain they might bring to wash over me. 

- in the name of Allah -



sometimes the wanderer forgets he's a ghost, starts thinking like a humanoid with typical faults and drives like most. then the reminder hits, like a jolt of supernatural electricity coursing through ethereal veins, what's sought not at all the same as what reality is. one supposes he forgot the moment he steps in that pool of emotion once more, he'll let it swallow him again so he can find out what's in store, whether light really peers so far through. 

God, it must be so hard for him to see, trying to think like a normal human being, when his own essence phases in and out of matter as he tries seeking its inner truths while conversation only hampers. what a state for one so out of place, strung into pieces while life around lives and breathes its own musings and meanings. so thus, the wanderer keeps to his dream, tending its crops like a farmer with only his hands to make them into permanence gleam, hopefully reminded of his Rabb regardless how dark the horizon might seem. 

 

- in the name of Allah -



Palatial Intents
2/26 - 3/2


With the moon on my right, and the sun on my left,
Tomorrow is the canvas, beholding a time for the soul to rest.


For the moon, a palace of ivory and gold, nestled amidst clouds, reaching high beyond the known;
Bedecked by rubies and reds, adorning the stairs and lining the curtains of beds,
Tiles and walls, interlacing patterns of shades alternating while seeming random,
What a marvel, this abode, to be for the one who made their heart a home. 

For the sun, a palace of lapis and pearl, surrounded by gardens lush, echoing sounds of trust;
Emblazoned in sapphires and blues, gracing the sofas and paintings of hallways with due, 
Carpets and ceilings, amplifying the light from just portions of places to everywhere reaching,
Such a glorious estate, for the one who met not once but twice with fate.

May Allah carry these inklings from the very bottom of their well, 
Upward to unimaginable heights, so they may dry and become:
The very tip of the heavenly iceberg, in Firdaus itself. 

Ameen