an Absolute for the slave

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Lately, had some heavy thoughts on the mind, trying to encompass (and possibly accept) an ultimate future vastly different than the one I seek. Why would I put myself through such a seemingly-futile and difficult exercise? It's simple. I've always tried to see as much as I can, regardless if it agreed with me or not. There's no way for me to grow in perspective and understanding, unless, every so often, I try to see the "worst case scenario" (heh) and overcome it mentally/emotionally. At first I thought I could live through an ultimate future where one particular wish of mine was absent...

..turns out I was wrong. Considerable introspection and understanding my nature makes it an impossibility. I can't allow (insomuch as my "control" is a factor) myself or my aim to fall short of anything less than completing the orbit towards my Moon until it lands gently into my hands and Eternity becomes something we taste together. Absent this, there is no afterlife, no akhirah for me worth being in.

While the Fire is always something that must be feared and avoided for obvious reasons, one has to consider what makes the Garden so amazing. For sure, it is the innumerable gifts my Rabb prepared for the ones He permitted, but I have to contend that the only span of time where one can be truly happy is one surrounded by worthwhile company. Who wants solitude when all the battles are won? Who needs solitude for reflection when the sheer purpose of existing becomes enjoyment itself? The good times, they're only gonna be when we're in the company of those that matter most, in Jannah itself.

There's no Firdaus I could be content in without her, no gate of the Garden I would pass through without holding her hand. I know well how precious little I control, so defining this Absolute line (for myself) in the sand is a tentative matter for the slave, when he knows the matter is completely up to Allah. But ya Rabb, I have to do this. For all the other gifts I could aim for, my Moon is utterly suited to this slave of yours, like nothing else. Of every person I have ever known, she is the only who inspired me to reach towards Firdaus Al-A'la. No one else is even close in this. If I even remotely consider any vision of Tomorrow as one without her....my will evaporates. 

Therefore my aim has to always be what it's been, with Your permission. I'll never be a deserving one, who earned of his own merit the kind of reward he sought. But the effort and intent of reaching towards it, require my Moon to always be a part of my raison d'être, if only to restore that missing organ and be able to smile and laugh like only then I could. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah got to talk with my Gift yesterday, and so I was reminded of how this road is going to be, what it takes of good provision to survive the journey. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

it's strange to have patience as one's only companion, one that i cannot abide, yet is the only one i could possibly have close to me these days. i have asked my Rabb questions to which i know the answer. "how much of me is enough? what more do You wish?"...and knowing the reply would be, Everything, but what if one had nothing left innately? of what worth would be deeds when they are simply physical representations of skeletal movement, unable to drawn on anything from the unseen? i can see something of tomorrow, now, and a bit more of Tomorrow, then, but my distance between either short- or long-term futures appears inexpressibly vast when one has no fuel in the present. my Rabb, what can i say? would You choose an end for me sooner, far sooner than later? i would be most grateful for this, to be unstitched from this mortal coil so i need not contradict it any longer. let my designs in Your plan be fulfilled already, the small seeds of fate i tried to plant towards something decent find root, and let me be, from it all. eventually, if i am kept here, i will have to circle back around to submission once again. i suppose that might be pleasing to You. alas, always the slave pays the price for his own decisions and inabilities, and the length of fate's rope that remains tied to him. freedom, delicious, unbound, unfettered, untainted, freedom. some day, perhaps?

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

from 9/18, finished 9/25

If you ever wonder what makes me tick, or where my vision was borne, don’t have to look very far, just find a mirror, and there’s the nomad’s shore. I can picture you now, head in your hands, smiling a gaze, across a table or couch, before your gravity pulls me close and so I pick you up from your place, carry you in my arms to the edge of clouds atop the highest of Heavens, and savor in your eyes the blossom of joy and exultation.

Thus would my heart be manifest, brought to life, possible only with all He gave of His forgiveness. Much of wonder have I saved, still more to plan, for how to make you breathless, not wishing to stand, rather laying back, utterly relaxed, soaking in love, this is how Eternity begins: the spark and its flame forever lit.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

my birdies, where have you gone? used to see you in the backyard, chirping and swooping, but now the air is still, less colorful, the ambiance a bit withdrawn. even had the bird seed ready, but seems it wasn't lure enough to see year-round your feathers and beaks, pecking the ground and the feed, the simple pleasures of life, now absent, until spring rolls around in time. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

can't ever stop writing, may as well ask me to stop breathing, something always trying to escape from inside, maybe reach she who carries so much meaning. walk your path my Moon, take the steps you need to take, to be steady and safe, sometimes think i need to hold back, refrain from feeling, or else absence becomes the assassin in daylight, an enemy i can't alone defeat. i know my Rabb is near, though human i utterly remain, never far from longing for company similar and resonating, the most worthwhile pursuit kept from its pursuer due to the test of fate. maybe when my Gift arrives, and I can open and touch what's inside, then this loneliness retreats, an unwanted, uninvited mistress who's seemingly lifelong been chasing after me. i've fathomed and foreseen a number of futures, both painful and painless, never certain how the road will straighten ahead, but basking in Moonlight is the endgame, the sum of a life lived seeking fulfillment, whole and untamed. 

Doorway

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

you’re the door to my ocean, whenever it’s opened, i learn where i’ve been, so i can chart where i'm going, for so long just exploring, wishing and hoping, to meet another sea that might meld with mine, mixing the fresh with the brine, warmer waters with cooler climes, until your chase captured my eyes, and there it was: the one i’d seek to hold for all of time. have no regrets, would make no changes, every experience an arrow pointing me to this moment, a goal, a singular ambition, growing around it the most noble of things, all waiting above, but at my essence, simply trying to unite Eternity with Love.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

inescapably starcrossed

fingertips i've never touched, skin i've never tickled or traced, lips i've never kissed, a softness i can only imagine, these physical dimensions, capturing the flip side of a coin, on which the souls have long rested. i looked at all of life, and all of death, looked at the future and the past, at all i could earn or all that i could grasp, there was just one thing i found equal the trade, worthy to have: you. 

nothing else here has ever been or ever will be close to what that means, which is why you're encased inside of my Firdaus. every part of this road, a microcosm of it is a price I pay for the chance to find something totally out of my league. i've lived longer than i'd wished to, but it is what He wills it to be, keeping me going regardless. this life and its monotones, not quite my flavor. but there is a rainbow's end I seek, where i'd love to find those Lucky Charms waiting for me :) iA


[random note: maybe my favorite part of this piece is in the last line, how the cursive k leans into the y, when the two letters seem nearly ready to embrace...so perfect.]

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I'll be your repository, of memories your record keeper, if things ever fade a bit, or look a little bleaker, simply find its record, inscribed on my soul, just like the day you left those imprints there. Every breadcrumb left, whether sunflower or squirrel relishing its scent, from time to time, I'll try to conjure something more of my painting, wherein is the road paved with ease, shaded by happiness. 

Residences

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

home of the heart ain't in my chest, it's somewhere else, hiding just beyond this life, tucked safe inside your breast. doesn't matter how long it you've kept, some things simply need their growth, while journeying outside themselves. these truths not for the faint of heart, as oft love can be intense, especially for those whom longing is a well-known friend. home of the nafs, found I think it has, within my Gift, a blessing for life and sustenance, an afterglow of love, borne as purity of lust, relishing what we might receive, a key to keeping balance and trust.

alhamdulillah, always

 بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One of the underlying reasons I have for persisting with my choice is so that my Moon never faces another moment of darkness for so long as she lives [and beyond, but that's always been a given]. Trying, difficult times will happen, no doubt, but there is certain kind of pain/agony/despair that is unique to darkness, wherein it tries to cloud all light and hope. InshaAllah that will never be the case for either of us again.

Of the qualities of a beacon is that a certain frequency keeps emanating, regularly, with constancy.  There is no further aloneness, no further absence of fuel for the heart to look forward to, as I myself would have to be ok so that I have a chance of reflecting something of worth for my Moon to remain shining. Ultimately, your smile, lasting, comfortable, at peace, of eyes and lips both, that is among what I seek. I don't need to be the final victor of your hand, (though I'd absolutely love that to be so), so long as your sakinah was complete and everlasting howsoever my Rabb wills you to find it. Something so incredible cannot be coveted, but simply sought from Allah as a gift that's entirely His to give. I have a hunch my duas may help shape this destiny, but a slave can never presume to know for certain what his end will be. Thus I've left it to Him, as the most precious of treasure to keep in wait for me, iA.