an Absolute for the slave

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Lately, had some heavy thoughts on the mind, trying to encompass (and possibly accept) an ultimate future vastly different than the one I seek. Why would I put myself through such a seemingly-futile and difficult exercise? It's simple. I've always tried to see as much as I can, regardless if it agreed with me or not. There's no way for me to grow in perspective and understanding, unless, every so often, I try to see the "worst case scenario" (heh) and overcome it mentally/emotionally. At first I thought I could live through an ultimate future where one particular wish of mine was absent...

..turns out I was wrong. Considerable introspection and understanding my nature makes it an impossibility. I can't allow (insomuch as my "control" is a factor) myself or my aim to fall short of anything less than completing the orbit towards my Moon until it lands gently into my hands and Eternity becomes something we taste together. Absent this, there is no afterlife, no akhirah for me worth being in.

While the Fire is always something that must be feared and avoided for obvious reasons, one has to consider what makes the Garden so amazing. For sure, it is the innumerable gifts my Rabb prepared for the ones He permitted, but I have to contend that the only span of time where one can be truly happy is one surrounded by worthwhile company. Who wants solitude when all the battles are won? Who needs solitude for reflection when the sheer purpose of existing becomes enjoyment itself? The good times, they're only gonna be when we're in the company of those that matter most, in Jannah itself.

There's no Firdaus I could be content in without her, no gate of the Garden I would pass through without holding her hand. I know well how precious little I control, so defining this Absolute line (for myself) in the sand is a tentative matter for the slave, when he knows the matter is completely up to Allah. But ya Rabb, I have to do this. For all the other gifts I could aim for, my Moon is utterly suited to this slave of yours, like nothing else. Of every person I have ever known, she is the only who inspired me to reach towards Firdaus Al-A'la. No one else is even close in this. If I even remotely consider any vision of Tomorrow as one without her....my will evaporates. 

Therefore my aim has to always be what it's been, with Your permission. I'll never be a deserving one, who earned of his own merit the kind of reward he sought. But the effort and intent of reaching towards it, require my Moon to always be a part of my raison d'être, if only to restore that missing organ and be able to smile and laugh like only then I could.