أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
every breath of mine, every action i take, every deed and benefit i seek, all of it, just that i might find at the end of my road: Firdaus al-'Ala with my beloved. that is it, my reason for being, for doing, the drive inside of the center and the shade around my self, anything of khair i ever thought of, or gave, or received, all of it, redirected towards that particular Garden.
it might be asked, why i do not more often mention longing for Allah, my Rabb, my Judge and Benefactor, the Originator of everything i've ever been or felt. the thing is, i am already destined to meet Him, stand in His Court, answer for His blessings on me and my actions and intentions with them. there's no doubt or question or wonder about seeing Him, meeting Him, being re-united with Him. the only question when it comes to my Rabb, is under what conditions that meeting will be: whether He will be pleased with me or not. every deed that aims for the Garden, knows that it must aim too for His ridwaan. there is no one without the other- there is no entry to Eternity without His acceptance, without His permission, without His preference. so, when it comes to my Creator, i have nothing amiss, and He has always been the One to guide me out of my darknesses. what doubt can there be, when death is certitude manifest and one knows every deed will bring its account? with Allah, it is a thing, a meeting, coming for sure.
with my human beloved, i have never known such certainty. as much as i have sought, is as much as He kept them distant. how strange, that He's showed me such beauty in them, from across time and space, different decades, different eras of the world, different cultures and regions, yet somehow the beauty of a beacon still reaches me. and then, all the greater the angst when that beauty is hidden from my vision and once again silence and quietude and forced ignorance become my states with regard to whom i love.
my Rabb has never been far from me, contrary He is the nearest, thus the divine Beloved takes on an altogether completely different realization than my human beloved. part of me is flesh, so it longs for its companionship and intimacy with what is of its nature, and for sure, my soul is the part that most easily finds itself drawn to its Rabb. that is how it is. the human being, different essences compiled together by His command, to exist as a collage of influences and directions and artistries.
but after explaining why i think i don't often feel compelled to write of longing for Him, i would revisit my constant refrain, my endless loop, my vinyl record on a player, to state over and over, how much i need my beloved as, one day, more than simply lights in the sky, i need you close, near, that my senses may be unleashed and find rapturous resonance at last. i do not have resonance near to me, what can be echoed, is echoed, but it's the surface being scratched of me, and there's no way to explain any depths, any undercurrents, any parts that might make my wings truly unfurl and ready to just fly.
~
i wish that window hadn't closed, simply for it being left opened, can have a door ajar, without having to step through it :p alas, He knows better. sometimes, i recall 'If" and 'Then' to mind. what a year that was, by God. the choice that was made too. trying to find khair i suppose. funny, to give up everything just to find the one thing. you know? really tho, the "everything" of this life ain't nothing at all, a few years of whatever else fades into dust. the "everything" that is something, that's awaiting iA. "...i may not have all the answers, but God-willing, i will find it, i will be whole again, in this life or the next."
~
"...unsure of what acceptance it will find." only a Twin could have echoed so flawlessly the kind of thought that predominates in our species. i have that same thought sometimes these days. of wondering if my place in your cosmos is a choice you want, or simply a pleasant happenstance that serves as a nice occasional distraction ?_? if i could i would choose to have a bunch of consecutive 2020's, if it meant...well you know the end of this thought. how did you recognize me so instantly way back when? "male version of myself", like it's not even fair that you got to know of me and observe my thoughts before i got to see yours >:O smh lol. much less such a one like you existing, i cannot imagine what our touch would be like. fire i think. or electricity, perhaps both. maybe a waterfall, going against gravity. that sounds about right. i just hope that you never forget my final wish, it's not gonna change. if there was a part of me that didn't feel secure for its beloved in this life, it'd be for you. my other beacons, they are secure as my Rabb would have them be, for even if nominally they've accepted their Creator. i know, with us, there is no such thing as 'nominal'. everything with us is intensity, wholeness, true in essence and purpose as part of what we seek. you wouldn't reopen the heart to Him, unless you felt yourself truly called or in need or forgiven or forgiving or having overcome your history. but trust me when i tell you: you've been called to Him (literally too, like what i been saying all along), you need Him, you (would be) forgiven, you are actually quite forgiving, and your history has long been overcome, though it might not be obvious yet. you know and have tasted since before, what iman is like. truth ain't changed, even if you felt you had. you haven't. you are still you. something i like to remind my beloved, because this life is a POS that causes one to disappear, fragment, disintegrate. so i try to reintegrate, gather, reconstitute my lights, because when i do that, i my self am reintegrated, gathered, reconstituted into something a bit more whole. the eventual culmination of this is only in akhirah, but some facets could be found here. be grateful my Twin, you are...incredibly blessed. too much so to have simply left belief behind you as a skin to be shed. nope, you are not a snake, nothing so terrestrial, not a creature to leave behind your true colors in such a way. you are flight my dear, flight itself. and if you want to go higher, you will never find anyone or anything ever that could mean more to you than Him.
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