- in the name of Allah -
I cannot hold it, it cannot be held,
A coal without heat, a hand without help.
I cannot taste it, it has no flavor,
A fruit without seed, a sermon without savor.
I cannot see it, it escapes from sight,
A bulb without filament, a scope without light.
I cannot hear it, it cannot be heard,
A bird without song, a grief without word.
I cannot smell it, it cannot be inhaled,
A cinnamon without spice, an ocean without a sail.
Yet all senses kneel, to the heart & what's inside,
Known as Memory, that which outlives time.
8.05.2016
7.22.2016
- in the name of Allah -
words, my failing, an essence, opening, and caving, wandering, unsteadied, abated, yesterdays, tomorrows, glancing, poignant, pervading, incisive, gripless, unknowns, unsated.
Among the simplest questions that stay buzzing in my ears, welcome bees to honey neither worries nor fear, is just this single phrase, trying every so often a way to answer, playing on loop for all my days- how are you?
words, my failing, an essence, opening, and caving, wandering, unsteadied, abated, yesterdays, tomorrows, glancing, poignant, pervading, incisive, gripless, unknowns, unsated.
Among the simplest questions that stay buzzing in my ears, welcome bees to honey neither worries nor fear, is just this single phrase, trying every so often a way to answer, playing on loop for all my days- how are you?
6.28.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Over the last few days:
Torrential
clouds came by earlier today, bringing rivulets of rain to stream down my face;
it was nice to see some things unchanged, a simple joy to remember when it rains.
scattered often is a twinless aim, amidst the wind and sound of fallen rain,
only wisps of vapor rise, grasping straws by errant paws, to catch a truth before its lyse:
though every downpour must end some day, and every river in due course will run dry,
a prism of yours always perpetual remains, to bring forth from every storm a rainbow sky.
Over the last few days:
Torrential
clouds came by earlier today, bringing rivulets of rain to stream down my face;
it was nice to see some things unchanged, a simple joy to remember when it rains.
scattered often is a twinless aim, amidst the wind and sound of fallen rain,
only wisps of vapor rise, grasping straws by errant paws, to catch a truth before its lyse:
though every downpour must end some day, and every river in due course will run dry,
a prism of yours always perpetual remains, to bring forth from every storm a rainbow sky.
6.18.2016
- in the name of Allah -
It's been one of the rare times lately, where various rhymes and couplets and poetics have stirred or come randomly to mind in the past few days. Not sure which of them to pick out of the pot and start cooking with. How do I tell if one stream of thought is more worth being written than another? Maybe the simplest route is to not choose any and instead take something right off the top and see where it ends..
~~~~~
following the string, see where it leads, words become wings, though not quite something that breathes. soaring high into clouds, almost beyond sight or scope, company rarefied all around, for this the birthplace of hope. enmities and envies, evils and emptiness, such concerns vanish as levies, overthrown by thunderstorms that wash away regret. though faith waxes and wanes, like the breeze of sunny days, always behind is what truth remains, cleansing the soul by snow and hail and rain. among the pillars in prose that persist, red is by far the color for the heart, a ventricle without equal it's known if one carefully listens, to the beating that won't ever stop once it starts.
~~~~~
It's been one of the rare times lately, where various rhymes and couplets and poetics have stirred or come randomly to mind in the past few days. Not sure which of them to pick out of the pot and start cooking with. How do I tell if one stream of thought is more worth being written than another? Maybe the simplest route is to not choose any and instead take something right off the top and see where it ends..
~~~~~
following the string, see where it leads, words become wings, though not quite something that breathes. soaring high into clouds, almost beyond sight or scope, company rarefied all around, for this the birthplace of hope. enmities and envies, evils and emptiness, such concerns vanish as levies, overthrown by thunderstorms that wash away regret. though faith waxes and wanes, like the breeze of sunny days, always behind is what truth remains, cleansing the soul by snow and hail and rain. among the pillars in prose that persist, red is by far the color for the heart, a ventricle without equal it's known if one carefully listens, to the beating that won't ever stop once it starts.
~~~~~
6.13.2016
- in the name of Allah -
a Ramadan in passing, don't be so quick to leave, let me see your brilliance, no matter where the heart may flee. so much to find of subtle wisdoms and truths, days take eons to pass but the night and its prayer passes in a blink, almost overdue. sometimes imaan is like sand running through the fingers, an hourglass already emptied with soon the bones to follow and wither, wish I could hold it all together in one place and moment, before the paint dries on this canvas and my soul gets delivered. of edges and angels, falling over or shaded by ambiance in ample, every second becomes a fork in the road, determined to reveal the consequence of what was spent, at the end of what we all sow.
a Ramadan in passing, don't be so quick to leave, let me see your brilliance, no matter where the heart may flee. so much to find of subtle wisdoms and truths, days take eons to pass but the night and its prayer passes in a blink, almost overdue. sometimes imaan is like sand running through the fingers, an hourglass already emptied with soon the bones to follow and wither, wish I could hold it all together in one place and moment, before the paint dries on this canvas and my soul gets delivered. of edges and angels, falling over or shaded by ambiance in ample, every second becomes a fork in the road, determined to reveal the consequence of what was spent, at the end of what we all sow.
6.11.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Began reading ASoIaF a few days ago, it's quite beautifully written and a captivating story. Kinda expected given the intricacy of the TV show made from it, but there are always some things a based-on-book production can't encapsulate because of content and time constraints. It's strange, though I'm in the middle of the first book, I know the futures of some characters from the show, and it's like looking through a portal back in time, seeing (and refining) how they came to be who they are in the story's present. Just like with LOST, ty.
Among the most particularly relevant quotes (and it's got tons) : "...and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge." So true this is. It has been too long since I recall the days when reading was enjoyable, no doubt there are parts of me along the seams still there waiting to be found.
Began reading ASoIaF a few days ago, it's quite beautifully written and a captivating story. Kinda expected given the intricacy of the TV show made from it, but there are always some things a based-on-book production can't encapsulate because of content and time constraints. It's strange, though I'm in the middle of the first book, I know the futures of some characters from the show, and it's like looking through a portal back in time, seeing (and refining) how they came to be who they are in the story's present. Just like with LOST, ty.
Among the most particularly relevant quotes (and it's got tons) : "...and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge." So true this is. It has been too long since I recall the days when reading was enjoyable, no doubt there are parts of me along the seams still there waiting to be found.
6.08.2016
- in the name of Allah -
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-36479386
While desi culture has some positive aspects, this backwards shit just needs to fade into history; truly pitiful and disgusting and abhorrent that human beings can still think and act like this. Similar to the "honor" killings article I recall posting a long time back, same story and little's changed from society's perspective. How do people who do this justify themselves in front of Allah? in front of their family/friends/neighbors? Is human life worth so little compared with a parent's 'dignity/respect' that they would sacrifice them for it? Perhaps it is easier to kill the women/females who go against tradition because they weren't born male? ...
And then so many of Pakistan's religious groups "protest" against the amendment which outlaws violence against women...seriously....VIOLENCE...against women. What the fuck are these "religious" idiots thinking? Do they not understand an iota of the sunnah of the Nabi (saw)? How is it so difficult for today's people to understand the kind of laws they need, in order to be prevented from their own stupidity and ignorance? I really didn't need more reasons to reinforce my misanthropy about people..
It's unfortunate to be posting something so dour, but Ramadan began a few days ago; it was supposed to be a happier time. Alhamdulillah I got to see it, and iA make it better than Ramadans of recent memory - duas always needed but especially in blessed times.
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-36479386
While desi culture has some positive aspects, this backwards shit just needs to fade into history; truly pitiful and disgusting and abhorrent that human beings can still think and act like this. Similar to the "honor" killings article I recall posting a long time back, same story and little's changed from society's perspective. How do people who do this justify themselves in front of Allah? in front of their family/friends/neighbors? Is human life worth so little compared with a parent's 'dignity/respect' that they would sacrifice them for it? Perhaps it is easier to kill the women/females who go against tradition because they weren't born male? ...
And then so many of Pakistan's religious groups "protest" against the amendment which outlaws violence against women...seriously....VIOLENCE...against women. What the fuck are these "religious" idiots thinking? Do they not understand an iota of the sunnah of the Nabi (saw)? How is it so difficult for today's people to understand the kind of laws they need, in order to be prevented from their own stupidity and ignorance? I really didn't need more reasons to reinforce my misanthropy about people..
It's unfortunate to be posting something so dour, but Ramadan began a few days ago; it was supposed to be a happier time. Alhamdulillah I got to see it, and iA make it better than Ramadans of recent memory - duas always needed but especially in blessed times.
6.03.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Among the times I go back through some of my older posts here and reading the comments people left, one thing really struck me: so often a compliment or admiration they'd write...but you know what? That wasn't at ALL what I was looking for in those posts. So much of what I reflected then was the pain of my history, yet for many onlookers, this was...a curiosity, a thing to admire, like a painting of a holocaust on a museum wall that's looked at with admiration/respect for the artistry - but the response to it is utterly devoid and non-reflective of the actual adversity being represented within it. Such a casual, roundabout way of thinking some people have, they can see pain, obvious or cloaked, and comment happily to have read it, lending no word of commiseration or dua or advice/guidance. That's not to say some didn't leave good advice, they did. But it was really amazing to notice, in the big picture of things, how different was what went into writing a post and the kinds of replies it lead to. Strange but true, c'est la vie.
Onwards, flying to more pleasant thoughts-
walking slowly, blindfolds there and still just enough tight, the pace is steady but their holding, to the side lush greens and gardens, palms of trees laden in fruit leaning over to yield their produce at ripest beck and calling. through the shade of centuries, pass we by mere seconds as if walking on a carpeted breeze, there's things ahead I need to show but only for one to see. perhaps I'll begin my brush's stroke with the waterfall cascades, at its base we sit to relish the mist, taking in rivers of milk and honey and the finest champagne, things to drink not for thirst but pleasure's purpose only and first, gifts from our Creator well-pleased and in front of us His promises dispersed. we haven't even reached our mansions or their thrones, perches fit for seekers and the sought, when our mates from balconies above call us home, to laugh and smile and relish in all the mercy from our Rabb we could ever want or know.
an eternal springtime of the spotless minds, here coalesces hope from fruit into wine.
Among the times I go back through some of my older posts here and reading the comments people left, one thing really struck me: so often a compliment or admiration they'd write...but you know what? That wasn't at ALL what I was looking for in those posts. So much of what I reflected then was the pain of my history, yet for many onlookers, this was...a curiosity, a thing to admire, like a painting of a holocaust on a museum wall that's looked at with admiration/respect for the artistry - but the response to it is utterly devoid and non-reflective of the actual adversity being represented within it. Such a casual, roundabout way of thinking some people have, they can see pain, obvious or cloaked, and comment happily to have read it, lending no word of commiseration or dua or advice/guidance. That's not to say some didn't leave good advice, they did. But it was really amazing to notice, in the big picture of things, how different was what went into writing a post and the kinds of replies it lead to. Strange but true, c'est la vie.
Onwards, flying to more pleasant thoughts-
walking slowly, blindfolds there and still just enough tight, the pace is steady but their holding, to the side lush greens and gardens, palms of trees laden in fruit leaning over to yield their produce at ripest beck and calling. through the shade of centuries, pass we by mere seconds as if walking on a carpeted breeze, there's things ahead I need to show but only for one to see. perhaps I'll begin my brush's stroke with the waterfall cascades, at its base we sit to relish the mist, taking in rivers of milk and honey and the finest champagne, things to drink not for thirst but pleasure's purpose only and first, gifts from our Creator well-pleased and in front of us His promises dispersed. we haven't even reached our mansions or their thrones, perches fit for seekers and the sought, when our mates from balconies above call us home, to laugh and smile and relish in all the mercy from our Rabb we could ever want or know.
an eternal springtime of the spotless minds, here coalesces hope from fruit into wine.
6.02.2016
5.28.2016
- in the name of Allah -
not every night's sky sparkles in stars, sometimes there's much wind or dust or clouds to cover them from vision afar. but even as that light may not been seen, it doesn't mean they've stopped shining, rather a moment in darkness is gleaned, to find where this long road becomes not straight but winding. these moments exist for hearts to be opened, seeking and pleading to Allah for all troubles and hopes, that need for Him keeps them truly alive and beating.
not every night's sky sparkles in stars, sometimes there's much wind or dust or clouds to cover them from vision afar. but even as that light may not been seen, it doesn't mean they've stopped shining, rather a moment in darkness is gleaned, to find where this long road becomes not straight but winding. these moments exist for hearts to be opened, seeking and pleading to Allah for all troubles and hopes, that need for Him keeps them truly alive and beating.
5.19.2016
- in the name of Allah -
From Surah Ali-Imraan, near end of ayah 101. It's rough translation:
"..and whoever would hold onto Allah for dear life, then he has been guided to the straight path (upward)".
___
Sometimes, many times, in fact pretty much all the time, this is the kind of the desperation we need to have. Just like the parable of the ship in a stormy sea, at constant risk of drowning or falling off the ship, the key is to hold onto Allah's anchor, His rope, His everything, as firmly as we possibly can. If left alone to my own devices, without a doubt there would be nothing for me, anywhere, ever. But with Allah, with His help, His guidance, every other difficulty in the universe seems tiny, all else just fades away. Doesn't matter where one came from, we had better remember our end is to Allah; there is Him and there is nothing else.
"..and whoever would hold onto Allah for dear life, then he has been guided to the straight path (upward)".
___
Sometimes, many times, in fact pretty much all the time, this is the kind of the desperation we need to have. Just like the parable of the ship in a stormy sea, at constant risk of drowning or falling off the ship, the key is to hold onto Allah's anchor, His rope, His everything, as firmly as we possibly can. If left alone to my own devices, without a doubt there would be nothing for me, anywhere, ever. But with Allah, with His help, His guidance, every other difficulty in the universe seems tiny, all else just fades away. Doesn't matter where one came from, we had better remember our end is to Allah; there is Him and there is nothing else.
5.18.2016
- in the name of Allah -
the Torch
even after centuries pass, even after stone crumbles to dust,
some things still last, built upon in Allah's trust.
even as solo drums sound, even amidst a crowd a tune is played,
some truth always comes around, to the source where light is made.
even as memories from mind may fade, even after an alternate is taken,
some torches always lit remain, without oxygen or fuel yet still sustain.
- - - - -
my words are feeble, their echoes of emotion swept away by wind, too many things felt too soon, so many times lost of how it all to begin. old corridors are sealed, their tragedies endured, the things now escaping are what tomorrow felt or healed. but it's not quite their time yet, not quite their place, not this crime can they abet, while knowing still what present I face. some detours are longer than others, for sure, but end in destination all the same: to find again the onion's cure.
the Torch
even after centuries pass, even after stone crumbles to dust,
some things still last, built upon in Allah's trust.
even as solo drums sound, even amidst a crowd a tune is played,
some truth always comes around, to the source where light is made.
even as memories from mind may fade, even after an alternate is taken,
some torches always lit remain, without oxygen or fuel yet still sustain.
- - - - -
my words are feeble, their echoes of emotion swept away by wind, too many things felt too soon, so many times lost of how it all to begin. old corridors are sealed, their tragedies endured, the things now escaping are what tomorrow felt or healed. but it's not quite their time yet, not quite their place, not this crime can they abet, while knowing still what present I face. some detours are longer than others, for sure, but end in destination all the same: to find again the onion's cure.
5.17.2016
- in the name of Allah -
So to put a recent thought process into form:
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can see the clear skies on any given night, if stars sparkle for any other person's eyes besides mine. Across various bridges and divides, I try to reach some people or places or prize over time, only to be recalled back to this present, so well-confined. Still a part of me wants to join the avian race, grow wings and feathers to balance the effect of time by quickly contracting space, who needs rocket ships when one has imagination leaping with a heart out of place? Alas, all fruits have their season, both in planting and in reaping, a path of patience for one of breathless breathing.
So to put a recent thought process into form:
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can see the clear skies on any given night, if stars sparkle for any other person's eyes besides mine. Across various bridges and divides, I try to reach some people or places or prize over time, only to be recalled back to this present, so well-confined. Still a part of me wants to join the avian race, grow wings and feathers to balance the effect of time by quickly contracting space, who needs rocket ships when one has imagination leaping with a heart out of place? Alas, all fruits have their season, both in planting and in reaping, a path of patience for one of breathless breathing.
5.14.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Alhamdulillah for all the good one ever finds in life. Indeed, I am pleased with Allah as my Rabb, with Islam as my religion, and with Muhammad (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallim) as my Messenger and my Prophet.
I wish it were possible to write into words the kind of reasons I have to be grateful to Allah, even to grace the depth behind what I owe Him. The ones I love and am separate from, this parting is not for long iA. For every such person, each is a sign for me pointing back to Allah, reminding me of things so precious, that even as they may have been a reason for pain once, it is no longer so: all of it, every event, every persons and person, it's all simply an echo toward my Rabb.
Oh my people, take to heart 'fasbir sabaran jameela', the guidepost for the ones seeking Allah.
Alhamdulillah for all the good one ever finds in life. Indeed, I am pleased with Allah as my Rabb, with Islam as my religion, and with Muhammad (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallim) as my Messenger and my Prophet.
I wish it were possible to write into words the kind of reasons I have to be grateful to Allah, even to grace the depth behind what I owe Him. The ones I love and am separate from, this parting is not for long iA. For every such person, each is a sign for me pointing back to Allah, reminding me of things so precious, that even as they may have been a reason for pain once, it is no longer so: all of it, every event, every persons and person, it's all simply an echo toward my Rabb.
Oh my people, take to heart 'fasbir sabaran jameela', the guidepost for the ones seeking Allah.
5.11.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Seas of Vapidity
like a fish in the ocean, fighting the currents, trying to keep its gills open, water neither salty nor fresh, buoyancy out of step, to stave off the depths,
darkness upon darkness, each call within the heart, running through flesh,
a candlelit vigil softly tempered, clear above deck, held by one Anchor's stead,
making that ship like earth, so might evolve the fish, into blessing its curse.
Seas of Vapidity
like a fish in the ocean, fighting the currents, trying to keep its gills open, water neither salty nor fresh, buoyancy out of step, to stave off the depths,
darkness upon darkness, each call within the heart, running through flesh,
a candlelit vigil softly tempered, clear above deck, held by one Anchor's stead,
making that ship like earth, so might evolve the fish, into blessing its curse.
5.08.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Among the more interesting articles I come across, this one seemed worth bringing up, via BBC. In it, I found a quote to be very relevant and poignant to the current climate:
"If there's something that frightens me about Holocaust remembrance it's the recognition of the nauseating processes that occurred in Europe in general, and particularly in Germany, back then - 70, 80 and 90 years ago - and finding signs of them here among us today in 2016," the deputy chief of staff said on Wednesday.
"There is, after all, nothing easier and simpler than hating the foreigner... arousing fears and terrifying." - Maj-Gen Yair Golan, military deputy chief of staff in Israel
Not only does the quote itself evoke truth, after all what modern society has not used 'fear of the Other' to some degree in its propaganda and media outlets, but the response by Israeli PM Netanyahu to immediately criticize and denounce what was said as "outrageous" and an "injustice to Israeli society and cause a belittling of the Holocaust" just goes to show how far leaders in power will go to deny the truth when it even comes from within a society itself. To any objective person, the Maj-General's words are spot on; Israeli society today is using xenophobia to help drive its campaign against not only Palestine but really, any entity in global society that disagrees with the actions of the Israeli government. Such disagreements often end up being labeled as "anti-Semitic" by the Israeli establishment, when often there is no underlying sentiment except simple disagreement of politics and methods (though there is usually nothing 'simple' in politics ever, especially politics of the Mid-East variety). This catch-all defense doesn't do anything except perpetuate the carte blanche that Israel acts with. Where are the checks and balances? Where are the reasonable voices of moderation within the Israeli population? No doubt being stifled by the ones in power, seeking as usual to dominate and cast their words as the only strain of truth. If Israeli society truly wants to seek peace, then it must learn that it cannot do so while it considers Palestinians and 'gentiles' as enemies or outsiders. Bullets and guns and tanks can only go so far, the battle for the heart can only be won with earnest actions and words, not deceit or obfuscation.
Among the more interesting articles I come across, this one seemed worth bringing up, via BBC. In it, I found a quote to be very relevant and poignant to the current climate:
"If there's something that frightens me about Holocaust remembrance it's the recognition of the nauseating processes that occurred in Europe in general, and particularly in Germany, back then - 70, 80 and 90 years ago - and finding signs of them here among us today in 2016," the deputy chief of staff said on Wednesday.
"There is, after all, nothing easier and simpler than hating the foreigner... arousing fears and terrifying." - Maj-Gen Yair Golan, military deputy chief of staff in Israel
Not only does the quote itself evoke truth, after all what modern society has not used 'fear of the Other' to some degree in its propaganda and media outlets, but the response by Israeli PM Netanyahu to immediately criticize and denounce what was said as "outrageous" and an "injustice to Israeli society and cause a belittling of the Holocaust" just goes to show how far leaders in power will go to deny the truth when it even comes from within a society itself. To any objective person, the Maj-General's words are spot on; Israeli society today is using xenophobia to help drive its campaign against not only Palestine but really, any entity in global society that disagrees with the actions of the Israeli government. Such disagreements often end up being labeled as "anti-Semitic" by the Israeli establishment, when often there is no underlying sentiment except simple disagreement of politics and methods (though there is usually nothing 'simple' in politics ever, especially politics of the Mid-East variety). This catch-all defense doesn't do anything except perpetuate the carte blanche that Israel acts with. Where are the checks and balances? Where are the reasonable voices of moderation within the Israeli population? No doubt being stifled by the ones in power, seeking as usual to dominate and cast their words as the only strain of truth. If Israeli society truly wants to seek peace, then it must learn that it cannot do so while it considers Palestinians and 'gentiles' as enemies or outsiders. Bullets and guns and tanks can only go so far, the battle for the heart can only be won with earnest actions and words, not deceit or obfuscation.
5.03.2016
- in the name of Allah -
echoscillation
rises and falls, from empires to market stalls, where does one wanderer fit amidst the chaos and thrall? even now as I can gaze across time, seeing past mistakes and follies in their prime, life presents few gifts not masquerading as delusion decadently sweet or denial doused in lime. so thus I preserve in bulletproof cases, all ideals from both past and future, against enemies both obvious and nameless. sometimes I wish I could be free to care as fully and want as wholly as I did then, but loss is a tricky thing - a serpent without skin, slithering its way inside, trying to betroth one's soul to sin. many times I've fought, many times I'd lost, but Allah kept my breath going, allowing me the moment to see at last what was worth owning: Gardens of bliss, underneath which, are so many rivers flowing.
echoscillation
rises and falls, from empires to market stalls, where does one wanderer fit amidst the chaos and thrall? even now as I can gaze across time, seeing past mistakes and follies in their prime, life presents few gifts not masquerading as delusion decadently sweet or denial doused in lime. so thus I preserve in bulletproof cases, all ideals from both past and future, against enemies both obvious and nameless. sometimes I wish I could be free to care as fully and want as wholly as I did then, but loss is a tricky thing - a serpent without skin, slithering its way inside, trying to betroth one's soul to sin. many times I've fought, many times I'd lost, but Allah kept my breath going, allowing me the moment to see at last what was worth owning: Gardens of bliss, underneath which, are so many rivers flowing.
4.24.2016
- in the name of Allah -
In my past, there was a long period of time where I used to literally hate any idea of qadr/fate/etc, basically any notion that outlined the lack of control human beings have used to be a thorn in my side.
As to why that is the case, it's fairly obvious: who doesn't like being in control of where they go in life? On the surface, no one wants to have their existence go in a direction of someone else's choosing. Had any individual the choice, the most common inclination would be to choose their path for him/her-self.
Alhamdulillah, I can say that is no longer the case. Within the past few months, I reached the realization that to hate on such notions as qadr and the like, would be to hate on something Allah Himself decreed. Honestly I could conceive of nearly nothing worse than for one to hate something like that..it puts a human being in the unenviable and disastrous position of being opposed to something Allah put into place. Other than shirk, I don't there is anything more full of ingratitude than this. How could I hope to get closer to Allah, have my prayers accepted, anything like that, if I held on to this idea from my past? I don't need to love qadr/etc, but I have come to neutral terms with it alhamdulillah. There is too much in life, in things that have happened and are happening, that one cannot fully grasp, so to hate on something because it outside of my purview is just straight foolish.
Maybe the simplest root cause for this development is the deeper understanding that Allah does what He wills, and I can't be upset with that. Especially not if I'm trying to seek His ridwaan, to continue like I was previously would be a super-contradiction. inshAllah in time, it will become possible for me to love whatever Allah decrees, whether good or otherwise. This way my connection to Him can be more stable and my own being more impervious to lesser influences. May Allah help me on this journey, and help me to help my ummah along the way similarly, ameen.
In my past, there was a long period of time where I used to literally hate any idea of qadr/fate/etc, basically any notion that outlined the lack of control human beings have used to be a thorn in my side.
As to why that is the case, it's fairly obvious: who doesn't like being in control of where they go in life? On the surface, no one wants to have their existence go in a direction of someone else's choosing. Had any individual the choice, the most common inclination would be to choose their path for him/her-self.
Alhamdulillah, I can say that is no longer the case. Within the past few months, I reached the realization that to hate on such notions as qadr and the like, would be to hate on something Allah Himself decreed. Honestly I could conceive of nearly nothing worse than for one to hate something like that..it puts a human being in the unenviable and disastrous position of being opposed to something Allah put into place. Other than shirk, I don't there is anything more full of ingratitude than this. How could I hope to get closer to Allah, have my prayers accepted, anything like that, if I held on to this idea from my past? I don't need to love qadr/etc, but I have come to neutral terms with it alhamdulillah. There is too much in life, in things that have happened and are happening, that one cannot fully grasp, so to hate on something because it outside of my purview is just straight foolish.
Maybe the simplest root cause for this development is the deeper understanding that Allah does what He wills, and I can't be upset with that. Especially not if I'm trying to seek His ridwaan, to continue like I was previously would be a super-contradiction. inshAllah in time, it will become possible for me to love whatever Allah decrees, whether good or otherwise. This way my connection to Him can be more stable and my own being more impervious to lesser influences. May Allah help me on this journey, and help me to help my ummah along the way similarly, ameen.
4.13.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Alhamdulillah, what a week of ups and downs. Been back in the states for barely 7 days and I can't recall a time quite like it.
Maybe the most important thing, my eldest uncle passed away this past Monday morning around Fajr time (inna lilAllahi wa inna ilaihi raaji'un) after suffering a stroke on the previous Friday. I knew him somewhat well, he was the only uncle I saw right before leaving for pak in early March, wished me well and was superhappy for me. Turns out it would be the last time I'd see him alive. Hadha qadrAllah wa ma shaa'a fa'ala. Feelings regarding this were hard to pin down. Maybe a deep sadness that I couldn't bring into words, but strangely enough I was quite happy at seeing so many relatives at the hospital and then at the janazah that I hadn't seen in years and decades, and some I'd never even seen prior to that. Of course lot of duas went out for them, especially for my uncle. Thought a few times about what it'd be like to lose my parents in front of me...don't think I would be sane after that personally...I imagine that moment as the worst possible earthquake a heart can feel, torrents of sadness and tears crashing one after the other. No doubt that time is something I never want to happen but it will come. I just hope Allah helps prepare me for it, ameen.
Among the secondary happenings, had a few ups and downs in lessons learned from being married and how that whole thing goes. Funnily (and expected I guess) enough I got advice and stories I never heard before from my bros and good friend about their marriage. Seems like the troubles I face aren't anything new! Alhamdulillah for past experiences from others and my own to let me know things aren't ever as bad as they might seem in the moment. Just grow past them all with sabr and keep looking at tomorrow. Haven't forgotten a thing about the past, also alhamdulillah. It sheds its light when necessary and needed, when the present times get troubled and grow dim, alhamdulillah. The road I seek is my Rabb's Siraat. May He make it easy for me and my ummah and all my beloved to follow, easily and with grace, ameen ya Rabb-al-'alamin.
Alhamdulillah, what a week of ups and downs. Been back in the states for barely 7 days and I can't recall a time quite like it.
Maybe the most important thing, my eldest uncle passed away this past Monday morning around Fajr time (inna lilAllahi wa inna ilaihi raaji'un) after suffering a stroke on the previous Friday. I knew him somewhat well, he was the only uncle I saw right before leaving for pak in early March, wished me well and was superhappy for me. Turns out it would be the last time I'd see him alive. Hadha qadrAllah wa ma shaa'a fa'ala. Feelings regarding this were hard to pin down. Maybe a deep sadness that I couldn't bring into words, but strangely enough I was quite happy at seeing so many relatives at the hospital and then at the janazah that I hadn't seen in years and decades, and some I'd never even seen prior to that. Of course lot of duas went out for them, especially for my uncle. Thought a few times about what it'd be like to lose my parents in front of me...don't think I would be sane after that personally...I imagine that moment as the worst possible earthquake a heart can feel, torrents of sadness and tears crashing one after the other. No doubt that time is something I never want to happen but it will come. I just hope Allah helps prepare me for it, ameen.
Among the secondary happenings, had a few ups and downs in lessons learned from being married and how that whole thing goes. Funnily (and expected I guess) enough I got advice and stories I never heard before from my bros and good friend about their marriage. Seems like the troubles I face aren't anything new! Alhamdulillah for past experiences from others and my own to let me know things aren't ever as bad as they might seem in the moment. Just grow past them all with sabr and keep looking at tomorrow. Haven't forgotten a thing about the past, also alhamdulillah. It sheds its light when necessary and needed, when the present times get troubled and grow dim, alhamdulillah. The road I seek is my Rabb's Siraat. May He make it easy for me and my ummah and all my beloved to follow, easily and with grace, ameen ya Rabb-al-'alamin.
4.08.2016
- in the name of Allah -
interesting how words can behave like beggars with daggers, small lightweight easy to throw and leave cuts like veins in a leaf that got its heart shredded and scattered. I know well how far such a small event matters, forgotten in a few weeks as though nothing ever happened, but still the scars remain in a memorable pattern, wed newly but seems like an ancient battle being fought endlessly soaked in blood and hazard. recourse the same as it ever was to return and reflect, seeking my Allah's help in the place of any mortal stead, grant me what I need to resume the course and my good end protect, iA.
interesting how words can behave like beggars with daggers, small lightweight easy to throw and leave cuts like veins in a leaf that got its heart shredded and scattered. I know well how far such a small event matters, forgotten in a few weeks as though nothing ever happened, but still the scars remain in a memorable pattern, wed newly but seems like an ancient battle being fought endlessly soaked in blood and hazard. recourse the same as it ever was to return and reflect, seeking my Allah's help in the place of any mortal stead, grant me what I need to resume the course and my good end protect, iA.
4.07.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Alhamdulillah, I am now married. For now it still seems somewhat strange, but I figure in time one gets used to the idea.
After the hectic drama of the early stages in getting things ready, to the latter tediousness of meeting a gazillion relatives I had little desire to meet, the matter is settled. Along with it, a certain strand of disquiet I had felt over the years is also resolved. Alhamdulillah for that too. My wife wasn't what I expected, which is to say she far exceeded what I could have thought by a mile. But then I had no idea what to expect, having never been married before and for the longest time not creating for myself any expectations down that road (better said as expectations for any road, but my past already attests to that).
We talked about so many things, much about our past experiences. I brought up some very tricky/delicate topics that, alhamdulillah entirely, I am very glad to say eventually went over well. Being who I am, I want to be able to share and evoke my emotions/thoughts with people I care about, and especially more so with the woman I married. At first, my wife wanted me to forget the past, but me being me, I tried to give my perspective that there was nothing in my past that brought me pain. On the contrary, I could look back on everything that I went through, the people and person I met and got to know, and then say with perfect clarity that it was a source of light for me, a happiness that I got to find what I did, that I traveled the road I was on to feel what I felt, growing and learning through everything, by the grace of Allah every step of the way. As I mentioned to her, my past, all of my experiences, help define who I am and I would never choose to simply 'delete' them.
Conventional wisdom says that some things are better left forgotten, but for me, as to that which Allah allows me to remember, there, in it all, I've found only good for me, leaving me with only gratitude that my Rabb guided me through it and didn't abandon me to my own devices no matter how many times my emotion wanted to drown me. This road has not been easy, but it is totally worth it: to be able and willing to empathize with another, to touch another soul and find a resonance that I can recall, knowing how in future others might feel and being a temperance for the people I meet, all of these things my past has been critical to honing. Maybe perhaps the biggest thing I learned from the sum of it all has been to remember tawakkul and relying on Allah, in all things. No matter what dark moments I come across, what annoyances or tragedies show up, that is my fallback, my support, my help, my sustenance- hasbiAllahu wa ni'mal-Wakil. Especially through times I'd rather not have felt anything, Allah helped me stick to it.What does one who relies on his Rabb have to fear? Nothing except Him, and even then, it is a fear borne out of not wanting to lose connection to Allah, of wanting to be pleased with Him and having Him be pleased with me. InshAllah, this is the road I travel, that I may find Allah's ridwan with me when the Last Day comes, that I may find in His gardens all the beauty and solace and truth that I have always sought, Ameen
Alhamdulillah, I am now married. For now it still seems somewhat strange, but I figure in time one gets used to the idea.
After the hectic drama of the early stages in getting things ready, to the latter tediousness of meeting a gazillion relatives I had little desire to meet, the matter is settled. Along with it, a certain strand of disquiet I had felt over the years is also resolved. Alhamdulillah for that too. My wife wasn't what I expected, which is to say she far exceeded what I could have thought by a mile. But then I had no idea what to expect, having never been married before and for the longest time not creating for myself any expectations down that road (better said as expectations for any road, but my past already attests to that).
We talked about so many things, much about our past experiences. I brought up some very tricky/delicate topics that, alhamdulillah entirely, I am very glad to say eventually went over well. Being who I am, I want to be able to share and evoke my emotions/thoughts with people I care about, and especially more so with the woman I married. At first, my wife wanted me to forget the past, but me being me, I tried to give my perspective that there was nothing in my past that brought me pain. On the contrary, I could look back on everything that I went through, the people and person I met and got to know, and then say with perfect clarity that it was a source of light for me, a happiness that I got to find what I did, that I traveled the road I was on to feel what I felt, growing and learning through everything, by the grace of Allah every step of the way. As I mentioned to her, my past, all of my experiences, help define who I am and I would never choose to simply 'delete' them.
Conventional wisdom says that some things are better left forgotten, but for me, as to that which Allah allows me to remember, there, in it all, I've found only good for me, leaving me with only gratitude that my Rabb guided me through it and didn't abandon me to my own devices no matter how many times my emotion wanted to drown me. This road has not been easy, but it is totally worth it: to be able and willing to empathize with another, to touch another soul and find a resonance that I can recall, knowing how in future others might feel and being a temperance for the people I meet, all of these things my past has been critical to honing. Maybe perhaps the biggest thing I learned from the sum of it all has been to remember tawakkul and relying on Allah, in all things. No matter what dark moments I come across, what annoyances or tragedies show up, that is my fallback, my support, my help, my sustenance- hasbiAllahu wa ni'mal-Wakil. Especially through times I'd rather not have felt anything, Allah helped me stick to it.What does one who relies on his Rabb have to fear? Nothing except Him, and even then, it is a fear borne out of not wanting to lose connection to Allah, of wanting to be pleased with Him and having Him be pleased with me. InshAllah, this is the road I travel, that I may find Allah's ridwan with me when the Last Day comes, that I may find in His gardens all the beauty and solace and truth that I have always sought, Ameen
3.10.2016
3.08.2016
- in the name of Allah -
I walked outside earlier this evening, felt so uniquely strange. Like, it'll be one of the last times I see the night sky the same way, like it's one of my final moments. Odd how marriage can change perspectives so rapidly isn't it? I have next to no idea what awaits at the end of this tunnel, how my world view will be thrown to chaos and go through a thousand different metamorphoses before I see clearly again (so I think, this is just supposition I know nothing of what to expect).
Past few days have been somewhat difficult to reckon. My past I've accepted, that I'm good with alhamdulillah. It's the future that I am still battling in my head. I don't think fear is at the root, though of course there is some element of the unknown that leaves me very, very unsettled. It is more that this road I've chosen, these events that are happening, are an acquiescence to the cosmic construct of life that I have been opposed to for so long. I was never really fond of fate/destiny/predetermination, these terms really mean nothing in context of human lives and understanding. We can only see so far, realize only so much, until we reach a point past which there are only questions. It is fair to say my fate has been chasing me for many years, almost literally. Now that it has me within its jaws (maybe I've been stuck in its teeth awhile, but you know how rebels like to carry their delusions? well I had to keep mine too), the next step coming seems like yet another curtain closing, another casting call that my true choice could never factor in to. This is the reality known as the will of Allah. Sometimes, many times, it is never pretty, it is physically or emotionally or psychologically gruesome. But the drums of time keep beating, despite whatever callouses we suffer. I'll never be fond of my own creation, my own steps into a world and body designed to oppose the best of things. But it is acceptance of this predicament I will try, iA, to find. Were it my own choice, I'd long since have extricated my self from this prison. But it isn't my choice, it never was to begin with. I am a product of a system I can scarcely fathom, leading me down a road I can barely see a few steps in front of. But I can never be wholly free of that, it was not my doing after all.
Yep, there is peace in this acceptance. But there may never be congruence, full alignment of my being with the realities of this life. I hope this remains the case, for it were to pass then I too would reflect the insanity and violence and hatred and self-delusion and indulgence that this world precipitates, like acid rain on an otherwise sunny day. Those are not things I would ever choose to internalize, to make part of my being. It's the soil of earth I have to walk on, yet I hope not to let it trip me up, lose sight of my own reckoning for reasons foolish and shortsighted. May my Rabb help me and sustain me on this essence, that I retain my belief no matter which way the world turns, ameen. However, I cannot stop there. Concern has to be retained for all humanity, for the community of Muslims around the globe that call on the same Rabb. No matter where I am, no matter how much I want to isolate myself, my duas have to include them. That's the only way I can ever justify how little I am with the immensity of what I've been given.
I walked outside earlier this evening, felt so uniquely strange. Like, it'll be one of the last times I see the night sky the same way, like it's one of my final moments. Odd how marriage can change perspectives so rapidly isn't it? I have next to no idea what awaits at the end of this tunnel, how my world view will be thrown to chaos and go through a thousand different metamorphoses before I see clearly again (so I think, this is just supposition I know nothing of what to expect).
Past few days have been somewhat difficult to reckon. My past I've accepted, that I'm good with alhamdulillah. It's the future that I am still battling in my head. I don't think fear is at the root, though of course there is some element of the unknown that leaves me very, very unsettled. It is more that this road I've chosen, these events that are happening, are an acquiescence to the cosmic construct of life that I have been opposed to for so long. I was never really fond of fate/destiny/predetermination, these terms really mean nothing in context of human lives and understanding. We can only see so far, realize only so much, until we reach a point past which there are only questions. It is fair to say my fate has been chasing me for many years, almost literally. Now that it has me within its jaws (maybe I've been stuck in its teeth awhile, but you know how rebels like to carry their delusions? well I had to keep mine too), the next step coming seems like yet another curtain closing, another casting call that my true choice could never factor in to. This is the reality known as the will of Allah. Sometimes, many times, it is never pretty, it is physically or emotionally or psychologically gruesome. But the drums of time keep beating, despite whatever callouses we suffer. I'll never be fond of my own creation, my own steps into a world and body designed to oppose the best of things. But it is acceptance of this predicament I will try, iA, to find. Were it my own choice, I'd long since have extricated my self from this prison. But it isn't my choice, it never was to begin with. I am a product of a system I can scarcely fathom, leading me down a road I can barely see a few steps in front of. But I can never be wholly free of that, it was not my doing after all.
Yep, there is peace in this acceptance. But there may never be congruence, full alignment of my being with the realities of this life. I hope this remains the case, for it were to pass then I too would reflect the insanity and violence and hatred and self-delusion and indulgence that this world precipitates, like acid rain on an otherwise sunny day. Those are not things I would ever choose to internalize, to make part of my being. It's the soil of earth I have to walk on, yet I hope not to let it trip me up, lose sight of my own reckoning for reasons foolish and shortsighted. May my Rabb help me and sustain me on this essence, that I retain my belief no matter which way the world turns, ameen. However, I cannot stop there. Concern has to be retained for all humanity, for the community of Muslims around the globe that call on the same Rabb. No matter where I am, no matter how much I want to isolate myself, my duas have to include them. That's the only way I can ever justify how little I am with the immensity of what I've been given.
3.04.2016
- in the name of Allah -
Just back from the eye doc, something adjoined:
She's become a reason for brightness, a beacon of guidance, showing me where the light is, no matter how the dark my time is. Even as I'm pulled to unknown roads, can't look ahead without seeing the path I'd taken wasn't alone: she was part of my muse, my Watson on days when being Sherlock I couldn't do, so much I've found in the little time we knew, she opened my heart, resonating in truth. I won't stop dreaming, I hope she doesn't either, looking up regardless the weather, finding forever in life its meaning.
Just back from the eye doc, something adjoined:
She's become a reason for brightness, a beacon of guidance, showing me where the light is, no matter how the dark my time is. Even as I'm pulled to unknown roads, can't look ahead without seeing the path I'd taken wasn't alone: she was part of my muse, my Watson on days when being Sherlock I couldn't do, so much I've found in the little time we knew, she opened my heart, resonating in truth. I won't stop dreaming, I hope she doesn't either, looking up regardless the weather, finding forever in life its meaning.
3.03.2016
- in the name of Allah -
joy or pain, not sure which it contains, these events up in the coming, maybe a little of both sustain. bitter, sweet, like chocolates and lemons, containing their past in wrappers, their future in seeds like remnants, of lives not yet lived while holding of yesteryear a semblance.
a Pandora's box, soon to be opened, can't put into simple words all the things it's all along been holding. even as every chaotic force escapes, even as sense and sanity lose their grip, so calamity alone might reign, there's always a time, always a place, where Hope will always remain.
joy or pain, not sure which it contains, these events up in the coming, maybe a little of both sustain. bitter, sweet, like chocolates and lemons, containing their past in wrappers, their future in seeds like remnants, of lives not yet lived while holding of yesteryear a semblance.
a Pandora's box, soon to be opened, can't put into simple words all the things it's all along been holding. even as every chaotic force escapes, even as sense and sanity lose their grip, so calamity alone might reign, there's always a time, always a place, where Hope will always remain.