- in the name of Allah -


O Fashioner of the Heavens, O Living One, O Sustainer of Life..

Relieve the difficulties that Muslims are facing in America, and around the world. Make every person of this ummah someone to care about and take care of. Grant shifa'aa, 'aajilan and kaamilan, to those who are sick, and suffering. Give sakeenah to the hearts who pulsate under stress and struggle. Protect our deen from trial, and make us as models for the rest of mankind.

Ameen, O Lord of the

- in the name of Allah -




sometimes I am given pause to wonder just what is the role of one who thinks in this dunya. if we are not involved, do we devolve? are our struggles to integrate schisms of digression, or efforts worthy of investment? I saw something I did not know I would see, yet its meaning and force could not have been felt any more. it brings me to another question, what do we want for others? do we want the same things for them as we do ourselves? if they have attained happiness, then can that, should that be enough? to remove any unnecessary guessing, it was her. a happily married picture. an amalgamation of emotions rose that yielded this very fine point: though sadness can be and oftentimes is inevitable, happiness need not exclude itself from it; one can be both happy and sad, simultaneously. alhamdulillah, this isn't a time, there are no more such times for me, where reminiscing becomes a tragic, vogue tendency. I...have moved on. it is time I unpublished the other blog, and pursue greater meaning, from

- in the name of Allah -

(all of this is relevant only to the Muslim ummah, no one else)

After a few days of working at the local masjid, I have made a few observations worthy of being mentioned. It seems that a majority of the sisters of the ummah have a "princess complex", and that would have been fine, had the brothers not also been afflicted with a "fallen prince complex".

Let me elaborate. What I know of female psychology, I know from both textbooks and personal experience, so if it offends anyone, then my condolences beforehand. What I know of male psychology, I know from both textbooks and the fact that I am one. The current trend I am noticing is that sisters are unwilling to shoulder more responsibility than was expected from them according to previous generations of social experience; in the past, a female would have been relegated to roles primarily situated in the "home" and would be considered the primary "caretaker" of the children. Not only were the males expected to provide the income for the family, they were expected to do all the "dirty" and "thankless" work that needed to be done but was obviously undesirable in and of itself (to be fair, the women had their share of such roles). Still, for a number of generations, the males were those who could and would do the work, and so there was some stability as far the family structure goes on a global scale, and how much respect each community and nation paid to its notion in keeping the "family" going attested to this.

These past two generations of males, entailing the last 50-100 years or so, have missed their mark. How can I say this? I can say this by observing the elders of our community, and communities, and by noticing as well the changes in behavior, from what it was expected to have been.

The results of two and a half world wars gives ample evidence for how the failure of the male has come, such a grand scale that it almost passes without notice, almost becoming a listless "evolving" of the male caricature. This is the nature of the "fallen prince complex": the prince being the former role once held by the past generations of Muslim men, who now having fallen from power and from "grace", now suffer a useless ignominy rooted in pride without substance or reason. This is our state today, as men. It is akin to the aging monarch, who sees and has seen his time to rule pass, but cannot and does not know how to convey power or educate the coming generation. Will our generation suffer as our fathers and their fathers suffered? How long can our "princesses" manage the ummah, while our "fallen princes" lament a past long gone? How can we reclaim our place among the nations of this world, and find the throne of the dunya once again in the hands of those who believe?

- in the name of Allah -



Came across this quote while checking my email (it was part of an ad or something):

"Martin Luther - 'Who loves not women, wine and song remains a fool his whole life long.'"

What interested me about it is the ayah in suratul-Baqarah, when the disbelievers/hypocrites exclaimed "should we believe as the fools believe?" - paraphrased. SubhanAllah. This is so in line with the quote above, as disbelievers love 'women, wine, and song', while the Muslim is required to understand why these things function as vice, and to abstain from them (obvious exception to women - marriage). They call us fools if we love not these things as they do; I, for one, would rather then live my entire life as a such a fool, and then see, in the end, who was truly foolish.

- in the name of Allah -




It should come as no surprise that as one climbs closer to Allah, the struggles of the nafs become magnified, and every one becomes an epic battle, each side wondering where my end will be. On the one hand, there is call of the dunya, alluring with all of its vice and wealth and promise of fortune. On the other hand, there is the call of the akhirah, ever steady in its call to enjoin the good and forbid what is evil. It is in these moments of in between where our allegiance is truly tested, where we truly decide whether or not to become or remain people of Allah, or be left to our own devices. I do not regret the struggles, for they make me realize just how precious hidaya (guidance) is, and just how much we need to nourish it with dhikr to make it last, and to make our end, insha'Allah, one of serenity and purpose.


It's been awhile since I feel like something of substance has been written. Maybe...



Choose Your Side

roses and trees, swift rivers and streams, fruit close at hand with no ill will among neighbors and no unease. days and nights merge into one, an outline for eternity begun but never done. fair maidens and favorite friends, mellow companions giving thanks without end. valleys to explore, mysteries becoming only opened doors to understanding more. perhaps most important, a feeling unscripted and without description, happily contented satisfaction brimming over and beyond the notion of bliss, could there be a place such as this?

furnaces and forks, boiling water and pus the main entree served without remorse. screams and wails dot the moments that never finish passing, nails on coffins everlasting. death no more but anguish renewed, their numbers many but their meaning askew. pain and regret, give meaning to disobedience and consequence to the derelict. no smiling faces, only frowns and gaping mouths twisted into permanent scowls, wishes of respite denied quickly and contrite as they themselves denied the truth in life. suffering needs no depiction, but how many know the cure to this affliction?

- in the name of Allah -



If I was in pieces before, then now I am whole, not because I stand on my own, but because Allah gives me the strength to take command of my soul and follow the truth down any dark or lightened road.

[...a bit later..]

I've built crystalline castles in a past lacking in hustle but full of hassle, the goals I thought I'd meet turned out to be stallions without saddles. Dreams crumbled to dust, but rain fell from the heavens and it became fertile with trust and care, so suddenly what wasn't there appeared, making the path ahead one less thing to fear. I still wonder just how many people I will come to know and have lost, owing to neglect or too great a personal cost. The world spins on capitalist wheels, with an engine of greed and a windshield of blindness concealed. They call these things excuses I peddle, avoiding strain and effort in a society where work taxes and drains until the mind is numb and doesn't remember what to testify or proclaim. To be a part of something, yes the desire is there, but here, now?, in this colossal deceit where the ends justify the means? I hold out as long as I can, until tendrils of fate catch up to me, lacerations unabated of truths they call unequivocal in nature, but in truer reality, a figment of secondary imagining created to satiate those with questions felt but unstated. Perhaps I'm lazy, but it doesn't stop the world from being bloodthirsty over money and willing to debase anything and anyone as long as the cogs in the chain remain acquiescent and believably repentant.

At the very least, they can't claim our minds and the innards of our being, these parts forever will be ours with which to pray and beseech the One above for a path out of this madness to a grave of greater peace and a future worthwhile in the hereafter.

- in the name of Allah -


It is a sad day when the one you ask forgiveness from forgives you for a wrong they think you feel remorseful for, when in fact, the truth is the anguish of swallowing an emotional injustice whose true meaning only Allah understands. Ultimately, good does become of it, and to a higher place do we go.

- in the name of Allah -


It isn't often that instead of writing questions on these pages I write answers, but that is what I find myself doing this evening in May. As for my previous post and its question about how to determine where another's place in life should be, the answer always has been simple enough: ask Allah. It makes sense that if one does not know, he should seek the way from the One who does. Things can sometimes be just that simple. Alhamdulillah for that.

Where to go from here? Should we seek the definite outline of tomorrow's plans today, or can something a little less complicated suffice? I think the latter may be possible, especially given my recent experiences. I challenge anyone reading this, that for all the planning that has been done in life, to look for contentment and reply only from Allah in salaat. It is that easy; go figure why it took me just 21.4 years to come to that precise answer. Sometimes we seek from within ourselves the definition of our soul, of who we really are, of what path of the many in front of us we should follow, and sometimes the answer cannot be found from within - not that it necessarily is in the "without" that it can be found. I wrote once, long ago, that it could be the same thing in wanting something for one's self, and wanting something for the sake of Allah; the two are, in essence, synonymous, as never can Allah be benefited or harmed, so it should follow that whatever we do for His pleasure or for our own pleasure, should only come back to help or harm our own selves. So, if we seek the answers to who we are, where should we go, and how should we get there, the circle begins with the self, extends out to Allah, and ends back again in us. This is because first we must have a question, before an answer is sought, and that question almost necessarily begins within the self. Then, finding that nearly in every case, we are unable to map out a reply, we seek guidance from Allah. The best and simplest way is istikharah, a prayer and dua explicitly seeking the best method of resolution, the knowledge of which lies with Allah, and is believed we adopt the path as long as the mind and the heart are open. The last means, is the internalization of what this request to Allah means, of accepting it in the deepest part of the soul, and allowing the truth of existence to flow from both idea to practice. We resist it at times, thinking that we can guide ourselves, that our intellect is grand enough to encompass our purpose, but it's only folly. You can only find peace and truth when it dawns upon your mind just why you were made: to worship only One.

- in the name of Allah -



so the semester is almost over, alh, and I find myself at yet another crossroads. when we meet people in life, how do we determine what purpose they serve, if they will belong in our lives for a moment, a season, or a lifetime? is the only process to finding out by random guessing, or is there another way to sift through the temporal wisps and find something truly substantial? I don't know. in other news, while observing tonight's stars in the sky, the question of destiny and purpose arose once more: just how should/can we define our existence? sure, the basic premise of humanity, taken and accepted as truth, is to worship one God, Allah. but when it comes to the more monotonous and ordinary aspects of day to day life, what is the measuring stick? do we define ourselves according to what others have done? or do we blaze our own paths in risk, hoping for some newfound reward? eventually, the issues of the past can be overcome, but can it be prevented from shaping our present, or our future? how can the distance between ourselves and our Creator be bridged, after we encounter the most prophetic truth in life: that few things are as they seem, and there are no guarantees that one good will beget another, that one justice will mean anything more than the moment in which it was displayed? one may wish the world's weight in good, and commit but one egregious mistake to potentially doom it all - how can this deck of cards be best played when all we have is but 4 cards at a time? the first step in most any answer to such kinds of questioning, is and has to be, patience. though, even that has me at times, pensive; what if all this time which I am giving is my respite, and while waiting for an answer, I meet its end, only to realize when it's too late that I could have better used it? this is why it truly sucks to die young: one is hampered by experience, and the fuller scope of life doesn't really hit you. yet, we are accountable for our actions at any given time after puberty, even in the throes of adolescence, and especially in the twilight zone of early adulthood. there is a middle line somewhere, only I haven't seen it yet.

- in the name of Allah -



Came across this link on the BBC.com front page, talking about the country of East Timor (geographically southeast of Indonesia / north of Australia) and how it recently (May 20th, 2002) gained its independence from Indonesia, who had been occupying it for years. Initially, this didn't appear to be something new, as it resembled in many ways the American occupation of Iraq. However, what ended up putting the nail in the coffin, was this quote:

"East Timor will rely on outside help for many years since its infrastructure is poor and the country is drought-prone. However, vast offshore oil and gas fields in the Timor Sea hold much potential."

Is it just me or does that ring a bell? Hello oil fields in Iraq. Should anyone be oblivious as to wonder who will be that 'outside help' in rebuilding East Timor? Perhaps the same companies currently contracted to rebuild Iraq? The question of Indonesia's oppression of East Timor is almost irrelevant, and here's why: every region in the world (almost) is beset by some sort of civil unrest, some sort of movement here or there that is struggling against the governments rooted in power to found their own place/land/resources as they see fit, instead of having them controlled by proxies of other governments. One should wonder why one region is seen as more important and worthy of "aid" and "liberation", what factors preclude such decisions as political standing of one group of people versus another. It isn't a surprise that the Timorese gained their independence (let's not forget the colonization of pretty much the entire known world resulted in clear cut disparities between people of many races and ethnicities), but what is cause for wonder and concern is just how that independence will pan out. Is the price of freedom worth the cost of oppression by another's hand, the cost of being looted by those who's interests are even more vastly different from those of Indonesia (who at least has the excuse of geography and ancestry to squabble with them)? I don't know. I imagine it is the wish of every fair-minded individual observing these world events that hopes those who wish for freedom know precisely what they are wishing for, as it just may come true.

- in the name of Allah -



it doesn't take a genie or genius to derive peace from within when resistance is maximally resisted, as the guiding light sometimes burns better peered at than peered from. what's happening lately is another stage of self evolution, the footsteps destiny leading the way as precursors to resolution. what i thought to have had i don't know if it was really there, if the notions in my head were really substance or thin air, but it's the present i find myself in that has me content and well aware. demons and angels abound in our daily lives, if we only bothered to look around with opened eyes. they aren't meant to define or determine, but clarify a path that's already been internally woven. maturity, like a lens, shows me the stars and foreshadows a destiny, barely visible but inescapable from the confines of time and relativity. it's my destiny now to believe in Him, in only God, only one Creator, Originator, Sustainer, to hold this thought in the cradle of my conscience and comfort it with the seeds of my brain, letting it find roots in becoming a catalyst for change. truth is elusive these days amidst the desert of opinions, facts of dates and fate rain down on the populations, but they remain oblivious, choosing instead an image of satiation. we can't change the past or predict the future, but it's the present who's choices we rule over, the very same choices that decide an end coming already closer.

- in the name of Allah -


Came across this piece of an article from CNN.com, talking about the war in Iraq:

"[CNN Analyst Peter] Bergen says it is imperative that the United States not let that [i.e. what happened in Afghanistan] happen in Iraq.

'What we must prevent is central/western Iraq [from] becoming a Sunni militant state that threatens our interests directly as an international terror hub,' he said."

- (source located here)

Imagine if the wording were rephrased to something a bit less dogmatic, less polar, less blatant. Something like: "What we can't allow is a state whose interests are contrary to our own to come into existence; allowing people who's views differ from our own to have a place from which to rise up and rebel and 'fight for what they believe in' would be too damaging to risk."

I'm given pause to wonder: what happened during the American Revolution? Did we break away from a pre-existing empire or did a random group of people get together and decide to build a nation? What forces were necessary for America to come into being? If we can agree that the nature of this impetus was a need for something to call one's own, for a place unclouded by the feeling of oppression and injustice, then why is it so ironic, that if it is such a state the founders of America achieved, we should be the ones to prevent others from finding and founding the like anywhere and everywhere else in the world?

- in the name of Allah -


Haven't written in awhile, but this is recently inspired.


"let's Fly"

dedications to memories buried in imaginary cemeteries, the world is my grave until you beat through these arteries. i came back to pieces of pyramids almost forgotten, a past of almost perfection, where things stood right even though the rest of the world seemed to be crumbling. even though it's meaningless i'll say it anyways: i should've been there, should've manned up, should've found myself sooner, but the diamond i had in my hands slipped out of my grasp and before even a second had passed there it was- falling into an ocean where i could never follow, a path only destined to haunt and leave hollow. unless i can fill it up with memories and not do injustice to the future coming to me, it just might be circles that i travel in again, circles without an end or beginning but always promising to leave one spinning. i don't know why i haven't felt like reaching for the moon in so long, but lately i've wanted to fly with thoughts of you on my mind: the wind in my face, blowing through my soul, a filter for the folly that left the keys to my past without their hole. swooping wings and thunderous hearts, the rush begins when the seas part, giving hope its middle lane between the loony and sane. i can only think of Jannah, the only plausible possibility, where you finally morph from a dream into an effervescent reality. still, i'm reminded so succinctly how ironic it is i should depend on this need for hope, after i'd once casted off faith in its purpose and replaced it with the need to cope. i'm approaching a loss for words; the door is closing, but with whispers yet unspoken, whispers yet unheard..

- in the name of Allah -


Random memories tend to surface sometimes, and it may be better to let them out than keep them caged inside. One particular one came to mind just now, one day back in the Fall of '05, when the days seemed brighter and the nights more vivid. There was a voicemail message left on my cell, a voicemail of someone in a singing voice reciting the alphabet song, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G.."; of course ending with 'won't you sing with me?' Ahh, what things we remember. Time moves so fast, people come and go almost without notice, and even when they are noticed, they never seem to stay as long as we'd like. The big question remains, where the end of it all is. Just not in that sense. I know what the end will be, but what will be my end? It's a question I cannot answer, but only hope I will do/have done enough good to earn Allah's rehmah.


I shall note some down some recent observations I have made, and some quotes I can recall. I believe it was Imam Ghazali who said that one desire only leads to another desire. This I can vouch for as truth. By example, after satiating one's appetite, besides the will of the individual, what can stop him from eating more, not because he is hungry, but simply because he can and the action brings him joy? It is this line of reasoning that brings us back to the one and only place the human being can find peace in, consistently, and that is with Allah, in Islam. It should be simple then, if I have the answer to the question of 'where to find peace', that I would have it whenever it would be needed. But it is not so. The soul is a fickle character in a play made of vanity. People seek fulfillment from the approval of others, and such a thing based on the whims of mortals is destined to be lacking and void. But yet, I am part of these very same people, these people who cannot, even as much as they try, live as isolated islands in the oceans of humanity. There is something I seek, something I have not yet found, that eludes me so well and so intrinsically, it offsets the balance with every other aspect of life I have come to know. It may be that I seek some one, or my self, but whatever the truth, only time can reveal just what it is. Thus, these times are encapsulated in forgetfulness, as simply fillers between a time that once was, where innocence and idealism held sway, and a time yet to come, where truth and justice reveal the reckoning humanity loved to delude itself about. But, the question insists, can this be only that, just filler? What transcendent beauty is there still undiscovered that would give it this time more meaning, more substance? Where are objective and purpose found together, fused within a practical reality that does not need to call upon a new age, as it already has the best of yesterday and today?

Some people are relegated to living questions while others find answers. I pray Allah makes so that I meet one of these before my time is up.

- in the name of Allah -


In all of the events in life one gives meaning to, another was added to the list. Amongst the irony of ironies, it had to do with April 19th of a year ago, an irony I'll refrain from expounding upon but mention nonetheless. I went back to Al Rahmah for Jumu'ah. This, after an absence going on 10 months. I found that many of those I knew no longer attended as frequently, though the few that remain, seem to matter more. In the cosmically small but personally gargantuan steps we take in life, this has to be counted among them.

I was reminded, going over a piece of the past, just how important understanding is. Being prone to misunderstand because of a tendency to think too fast and judge too easily, I'd lost touch with quite a few I care(d) about. Interestingly, it was the memory precisely of such a person that finally took the nail out of the coffin and allowed everything to be re-examined in a different light. Alhamdulillah for that. In other less important news, Heroes finally returns this coming Monday, and my semester has only a month left. Woot!

- in the name of Allah -


So many real problems, so few real solutions, images ideal crash down from a plane of fiery dilution. When I was younger I aimed for the stars, but then I fell in the ocean, with the pitfalls of fate, became grappled to indecision by the mix of emotions. Each day it seems, optimism and pessimistic fatalism battle the ground inside, neuron against neuron, the soul an only victim that within resides. Reaching for the past, I'm held back by the present, distance, it seemed to me, was a blessed haven in disguise from the wretches of souls unrepentant. Alas, mistakes made over and over, assumptions withered to dust, the sun shines and all the theories float with fairies to a place that leaves me weary. Do I search the graves for answers, or journey forth for new land, to build a palace in sand? It isn't the people I disliked, it was the possibility that as far as that fateful idealist's collapse in '05 had left me bare, there was still the skin still yet able to be taken, from all the things to be lost, the last barrier before the abyss became a mirror falling I never cared to watch shatter and thus send all my trust in life amiss. I've prevented those that cared from reaching back, when that for which I cared I could myself no longer reach, a bridge crumbled in fate's iron grip, the outcome of which still either lingering to be rise or slip. Time became irrelevant, as the soul's anguish transcended to a plane of unequaled ambivalence. Still, through it all, I yearn for a place to put my head, a place of rest, a place not of nightmares but dreams instead.

- in the name of Allah -



Opening the door while closing the window, spectators remain safe while wanderers suffer incognito. where unknown is the end to this beginning, this slow surfacing of a dawn dampened at first sight by doubter's inhibition. transcendence the cure to an ache underneath, physicality the blur between what's real and what eyes only see. paths can become prophecies, rudimentary hopes locked within cynical ambitions without possibility of release. first conclusions rarely fly, made of preformed wax designed to reach but so high. acceptance of happenings and happenstance, life of this earth a tango but not all find they can dance. purpose oblivious while internal turmoil reigns king of a stage deemed insufficiently lit and thus useless. vagaries of depth conceal true meaning in breadth, scope a function of fingers and letters wired impulses from the mood setter. yet living peace is found, no longer a demon disguised in the underground. to seek serenity, the soul is the patient and the mind a medic, trying to release from within what's already been invested. easy questions don't exist and many hard ones have no reply, only aides to truth can recover it from lies.

- in the name of Allah -


Here yet again, for reasons not entirely of my own devising. Someone I used to know raised an issue I found quite surprising, and eventually, I have decided to give in to their request. What it is, doesn't really matter, except that if we are careful of how we say what we want to say, then the path to jannah becomes quite a bit easier. On that note, I find an incongruity, or so it may appear, between what is deemed appropriate in relations between two people of the opposite sex. Of course, Islam is our guiding stick and there are mandates implicit and explicit to the effect that men and women without blood relation to one another should limit contact only to what is beneficial. Of the two notions needing clarity, one is "contact" and two is "beneficial". People who prefer more literal and strict interpretation, favor negation of any and all outlets, no matter the recourse, as far as is humanly possible. An outlet here is defined as electronic communication, without the notion or the potentially potential of physical interaction. Those who favor strict and literal viewpoints, assert that any and all roads to the haraam are to be closed, and since this electronic communication constitutes one of those roads, it should be refrained from. Those who would prefer more interpretive and metaphorical interpretation agree with others in that were a physical dimension involved, all of the previous assertions regarding restriction of contact should be held in place, but in the case of electronic communication, there is a vague barrier that prevents one from definitively assigning a value of good or bad. The assumption they hold is that understanding and clarity can pass through the medium of electronic communication, without having strings of possiblity attach in ways that may lead to haraam. My own personal opinion is that what is "beneficial" can be found in this gray area. It is true that the human soul continuously, often undetectably, reaches out in all the ways of its own passion and predilection, but how does one come to terms with the self, with the nafs? The only ones who can truly understand and control these impulses are those who are one hundred percent honest with themselves and with Allah. There is no variability when it comes to intention in this issue. People with even possible ulterior motives will not find what they are looking for. So what is the solution if two people find themselves on the opposite sides of the fence on this issue? How can it be resolved?

Looking to the sunnah, the easiest and probably most preferential choice would be to seek middle ground, for it is rare that precisely what one wants can be found only on one end of the spectrum. In this spectrum, there is type and form of communicating. Or so I would think. I hesitate to write my understanding of the middle ground, as I may tend to be biased towards my end. Could it be there is no middle ground here, that the solution can only be either a whole 'yes' or whole 'no'?

To this answer I am not knowledgable enough. However, not having its answer is not a cause for me to not exist, so I will continue to exist, perhaps persisting in it as well. My return apology goes out to the one who sought redress for wrongs inflicted. In any case, communication is always a two-way street.

- in the name of Allah -


so a few weeks have gone by since my last post. what's changed? what new epiphanies have been brought into the world of existence from the world of the unseen? essentially none. the world is still a trying place to live in, there's still a glaring void present in a place most people could never fill, and maybe most precarious- there are still reasons missing and reasons needing to be found. another realization has dawned, sort of, that whatever was known beforehand has got to be something let go. knowing and re-friending the past isn't an option, as the differences between now and then imagine themselves to be enormous and unfillable. of course the truth is less pressing, maybe more pressing from some perspective, but largely, life almost never is as bad as it's claimed or felt to be. so where does the present tread forward? with whom and how? familial bonds take the fore front, as their madness is slightly more tolerable and acceptable than the madness of those who would appear to care less. there are no grudges, except a few that are probably humanly impossible to let go of. nonetheless, it all continues onward to a pre-appointed time, reminding everyone that expectations might only be for the foolhardy.

- in the name of Allah -



I looked down at the depths and they weren't as dark, salvation was eminent, just not from the start. The moon shone a bit of saranity, cloaked in advice that couldn't have been firmer grounded in reality. It could be that the time approaches where I attain that cliff of self actualizing, a ever broader and brighter white haze across a setting horizon. What's left to do but say goodbye to the me of yesteryear, for though I am what he became, tomorrow I will have left him there. But who to take along and who else to leave behind?, tenuous questions as they answer only to time.

- in the name of Allah -



rising, still yet to have risen, the world around crumbles to a point predetermined. with my role still a cloud hovering between hurricane and summer breeze, i need a plane to fly over the chaos of impossibilities. questions are easy to pose but answers harder to find, work is the solution but i can't seem to shutdown the mind. people wonder at what things are worth it, what goals truly lofty and fitting to give form to purpose. when the world shrinks to a hundred square feet, there no problems looking for meaning underneath. but when you lift the curtains and pull back the shades, right along with allies and enemies creeps doubt and enmity. its a calculated risk some never consider, except those who've lost reason to madness and stretch out bridges forever. fleeting scenes changing constantly, meaning is a dying breed replaced by polite but distant sociality. in these darkened times, there are some beacons that beckon, some possibilities that whisper solace and recovery, at points beyond my personal reckoning.

- in the name of Allah -



divergence


resisting insistence, i stand on the wall in between heaven and perdition, seeing below on both sides the minions screaming fury and repentance. my path was chosen yesterday but its unclear now, the choices were evident once but less clarity abounds. surely like so many around and before me, i want the gardens of bliss with everlasting peace, a perfect existence unfettered by where notions of humanity reach. its the conundrum of no guarantees, that nothing i say or do will get me to a place underneath palm trees, a place of vigilant sunshine, with no want for skies or oceans, just the truth released from within every fortunate human being. it strikes me as particularly sad, that things i once took for granted now are the very things i don't have. its the people and the ways we used to be able to talk, how they've changed and now it seems i'm stuck in a warp. i see others reaching for the same clouds i once knew, but bitter disillusion and lack of resolve has me re-thinking the whole plot to this story through and through. i recall a short series of gripes, procedural inequities formed presumably to establish why it can't be utopian in design. there's essence of rebellion insidious in this expression, but i'll be damned already if the worlds not hellishly driven. still, i'm not fool enough to deny or turn my back on the power that Is, but simply using my ability of sight i decry the things i've felt, of how it all shouldn't be what it is. the question in effect, for my self, becomes, is the redemptive quality of then able to compensate for the injustice of now? ah who cares, the chips and peaces will fall and shatter where they will, just my path became a little cloudier still.

- in the name of Allah -



so it appears my one day experiment with facebook has ended, perhaps prematurely. it turns out, according to some external circumstances evidently unforeseen, that it is more of a hassle and source of bullshit than can be considered worthwhile. it should be noted that my purpose in even bothering with facebook was but exploratory, and having received no reply to my first step, in conjunction with the aforementioned external circumstances, made the whole scenario one for which i become entirely unfit to bother with.

after this brief time, one re-acknowledges terms such as destiny, fate, preordainment, and patience- most concepts which human beings, at their core, detest simply because they are that over which we have no control (in theory). one wonders if the notion of readiness becomes at all applicable in these pseudo-circumstances, if these notions should become prevalent above or beyond inborn states of being. i imagine only another who can understand what i write, but again it occurs to me that what one imagines is, in fact, originating from within the imagination, and therefore, it does not exist, at least in the idea's inception. of course the question of persisting in this imagining is a fruitful or worthwhile objective, to consistently relay to the world outside those characteristics sought in another, for the distant or close purpose. in short, should one keep cursing the wind because it does not carry the echoes far enough, perhaps to a place where the one desired might reside. alas, the wind is without fault. my lungs fail me, yet they may grow still, alveoli filling with air to bring about a fulfillment existing in the mind.

- in the name of Allah -


As fate would have it, there's no way I could have gotten through the season without catching one cold at least once before it all went away. And now that this cold is finally here, there is previously absent but now present need to explicate here some of the events occurring in the past few days. The most notable, as one might suspect, was a dream. It was one of those dreams that left you feeling hopeful, full wonder, and through the whole commotion bit of it, wholly aware of the piece about taking things with a grain of salt. Nonetheless, the kind of sweetness this dream offered was fairly unparalleled, least by anything I've known up until this moment. Now, on to the dream. Among the most prevalent bits, I was speaking to someone on the phone for an entire night, this someone being one with whom I've spoken before, but always on a level mutually-agreed upon as simple and austere friendship. This dream however, carried in it an idea that maybe, howsoever possible, this friendship might, one day, develop to something more substantial and ultimately, something more fulfilling. I am well acquainted with these kinds of things, having been a former idealist in a past life many times over. You might say the fool never wearies of playing his part when the fiddler comes fiddling with his tunes. In practice, however, I should hope this fool has learned a thing or two about broaching such boundaries only within the proper mode of time. So, the temporal gust of happiness is brushed to the side and life should march onward. Still, the subconscious and subliminal importance of acknowledging and accepting the role dreams, both held and envisioned, play in life can only lead to fulfillment, as long as one knows just how to take the pill of patience with a glass of water half full.

- in the name of Allah -


Been awhile since my last post, kind of wondering what I still plan on doing here. Yet another someone I knew has been pushed away, this time because of the weakness inherent in my own self. I had a dream I called an old friend and he simply ignored me and refused to bother reconnecting, which brings me to my next point- are relationships left for dead ever worth resurrecting? We used to know many good times, over the past decade, but it seems like time and its ever penetrating ability to make barriers has struck once again. People grow up together, then end up growing apart simply because life and they themselves are so different. Among my fears is that of being considered the same as I once was, something that leads me to avoid and despise places I used to frequent so often. I even tend to dislike meeting people from my past, persisting in the notion that their ideas of me do not allow for growth, that the image of myself in their minds is as static as wind in space. Were this true, I could easily justify my isolationist tendencies, but I cannot know what the case really is without subjecting myself to the very judgmental and over-rational behavior that I exhibit myself on occasion. No doubt it is a self defense mechanism, intended internally to protect and keep protected, but that so-called shelter leaves much to be desired. Human beings will always be social creatures, though howsoever preferential in what particular social setting they actually desire. The one I long for, the one so evident in the social institution of marriage, is delayed to me, as what it requires is what I as yet do not have. So time, one might think, is the essential conclusion to this predicament. It is, but the human soul does not live within time, the human soul is constantly reaching and wanting and wishing in places where time does not bind it, gardens of carefree bliss that do not depend on drugs, or quicks of social construction, but simply the overwhelming presence of what is good and the true food of the soul: the One.