بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, finally got home and nice surprise ^^

That last emoji, that smiling face, it belongs on you, always. It wouldn't matter what stuff I'd have to go through, but that you were able to feel like that after it, totally worth whatever it took.

I'm looking forward to the road ahead, perhaps more so than I ever have in my history. Of course, in all the arcs of my life, you're somewhere near the center of them all. I've been orbiting a helluva long time, I know, and there's still the matter of some decades and a certain Judgment Day to get through, but I'm utterly satisfied and fulfilled and happy with choosing Eternity as the date for when our celestial bodies meet. I know it pleases my Rabb for me to do so, it pleases my heart, my nafs, my ruh, all of it. Just contentment all around. That He would choose for me what I could love to have chosen for myself, there's no more beautiful a feeling than that. All it takes is for me to wait, to have a little bit of sabr with the little bit of time I have, and my expectation from Him reaches incalculable levels. Khair brings about khair, and it seems like there's nothing in my life Allah hasn't made khair for me, in one way or another. 

Whether you know it or not, you're a part of this just as much as I am. Our fates are intertwined, and history does not change, destiny is always waiting around the corner. So part of my purpose, part of my existence is tied in with being your beacon, regardless of how the tides turn in this life, no matter how many whispers or doubts might come, my role doesn't become any less, perhaps it only grows, into what He would have me be.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

long as you're living, or even if you pass away, the light of your being, simply could not fade, as within my eyes, is always where it remains.

even if this mortal life, kept me from your smile, kept me from your laugh, i need but recall its sight, its sound, so whole again i am.

perhaps in this moment am i complete, with my Future and present alike, softly waiting and in peace, the journey forward, but with Him to keep. 

~~~

listening to your heart beat, silent as the snow falls, before it melts on the possibilities, if life seems full of potential, imagine what Tomorrow holds, as you unwrap my dreams. didn't need any words, you captured all our meaning,"idealists, dreamers, and lovers", as if a decade apart was simply nothing. you get it, you felt it, you know this, so worth the wait, to reap Eternity from purpose.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I've never had a case against my Rabb, no reason for complaint. Simply I found an abundance of blessings, stretching out across my existence, in ways subtle and obvious. There's no real way to convey this to anyone, but to describe the sense of security and encompassed protection/guidance. For the inner aspect, there is the preservation of fitrah, the firmly-established desire for khair and ideals, the eventual cognition of how to (try and) balance reality with what I have to be/give. For the outer aspect, there is preservation from extreme need, for having food/shelter/clothing/etc consistently taken care of, the presence of family I could love and respect and continually take immense lessons from throughout my life, the anchors of a handful of friends worthy in having something for me to emulate as well as reinforcing and counteracting my nature whenever it was necessary, of never having to be in a position of desperation, of having my biggest obstacles be those in my self instead of always outside of me. 

The reasons for gratitude, I can never run out of. Some moments come, passing by like darkened clouds, threatening a storm but never truly being a threat. In those times, it feels as if the fight is against everything, that I haven't enough in me to continue, that I lack the ones whom I love to give the emotional buffer that means so much...but that is just how it appears, never how it really is. The love from all my beloved reaches me, not least of all, His care and affection. I could not say if I can claim such a thing, but there is no other deduction left for me to draw with everything He's shown and given and permitted me to have. The most cynical part of me has sometimes wondered if perhaps the test did not run so deep, that He might show and give of His fadl and mercy so much, only to perhaps take it back some day. The truth is, all I have, all I've ever known, it's belonged always to Allah. If He should wish to rescind, it's always been His to do with as He pleased. But I will never cease (iA) to hope and ask that He keep on giving, and being to me as He always has, as all I have ever known of Him.  

Question's Answer

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

like you? no other

i know there's no competition, not from any person living, how deep and far goes the resonance, like how letters sit together, side by side to make a sentence, something otherworldly in its essence, why i chase your hand through life and death and resurrection, so we might taste completion at its fullest. 

every part of you, every part for which i wait, already beautified to me, so no worry how it appears, never gross, never out of place or out of fear, never hurried, never rushed, time aplenty, for your Crown to fit like glove.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Thundershowers just came through, got to soak in the rain a bit for the first time in awhile, man I missed that. And then, the craziest streak of lightning: every few seconds, for like 10-20 minutes straight, the sky is lit up incessantly with strikes turning night to day. Seems like many of the bolts struck from cloud to cloud, and the ones to hit the ground were..spectacular, forceful, sky-splitting, humbling. SubhanaAllah it was beautiful, reminiscent of Judgment Day somehow. 

Ya Rabb, envelop us in Your rehmah, always and forever, ameen.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, the past few weeks have been pretty special. The sense of harmony I noted before, still is there, though I've had my own oscillations a bit, the ability to have in balance my two spheres of dunya and akhirah...priceless. 

It seems like we're only promised more challenges ahead, whether in ourselves or from life itself, but the goal is the same, the method of approach, unchanged. For the now, we give whatever needs to be given, in whatever capacity we're able. Perfection is a beautiful goal, but it's found at the end of this journey (iA), not in the middle of it. 

A number of times I've wanted to write something lately, and it doesn't quite find form. I have a feeling it's because the serenity my words would aim to seek, we already know, alhamdulillah.  

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

written a few days before, 8/14:

Just like before, just like ever, just a few moments without words from you, and I swear everything is a bit less brighter. The blessing He gave, to let me know my heart still beats, even though it’s not in my chest, but a thing I still need, time-encapsulated and saved, kept out of my reach, because if it were in my grasp, I don’t think I can stand apart, while still trying to breathe. I look at the rest of my existence, wondering where the color drains, and find it in the palm of your hand, made of my own DNA. But you know, I have to be good with these lesser shades, can’t be brought down by what isn’t the same, even as a thought from you, lifts me up, a reminder towards everything I chase. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

oh Rabb, long has this road been, longer still it promises to be, one thing I ask, just one thing for me:

keep her always close to You, never let her flounder, never let her down, lift up her heart, when all it wants to do is drown, tend her like a flower, so she may bloom, through every season sound.

more would i add, but prayer calls to me, deeds i must put in place, to have a chance at Then, coming into being.  

Inevitability

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

So, so true. Though, you always knew me, before we ever met, before we even walked on this earth. From the moment He made us and intertwined our destinies, that was it, all it took, and the groundwork was laid. I wouldn't mind being your fruit, even if that was the only thing I got to take/achieve from life, that would be precisely everything from here that matters.

Alhamdulillah for all of it, for every happiness and pain, for every longing unmet and every longing He hid away from us, so we might chase it in the best of all places. No mortal can take from me what this is, what it means, even if, Allah forbid, I never got to hear your voice again, wouldn't change a thing. These past few days, with the kind of harmony my Rabb permitted me...can't even describe it. It's maybe more complete than last summer, excepting Hajj - a core central event of my existence that allows all the smaller pieces to find their focus, but imagine that: every year I, we, get to experience something slightly (or immensely) more amazing than the year before? Now THAT, that is pretty special. iA. 

This dunya can't touch, can't own, can't hold you. Don't ever let it fool you into thinking it matters enough for you to be sad about anything you didn't find in it. It doesn't. This life, in its entirety, is absolutely nothing more than a means to an End. We build up good deeds and decent intents and try to manage the rest of what we go thru as best we can, before death approaches us. Nothing more or less. And me? I'm nothing more than a signpost, something to let you know there is a place waiting for you, that you don't know of yet, but that is where you belong, that is what your soul craves. All of this, just me trying to paint the pieces of the puzzle. Sooner, or later, iA.

Serene

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

If I write about the times where things seem hardest, it's only fair to mention the days where things come together in small, amazing ways, from every possible place.

Alhamdulillah, first and always. I can't say such a time was deserved, but truthfully, I don't think I've ever experienced something quite like it before. My Gift was not only doing really good, but also she seemed to grasp something of what is precious to me, and that is irreplaceable. My Mirror found her shine again after a trying moment, and the gleam of happiness emanating from her...it's like, that is why I live, to help my beloved find as many such moments as possible. Family is similarly on a good note as of late alh.

This observation of total harmony in one's world is...rare, to say the least. But I note that there was one particular mental approach I had before it began: to not stress out others and not be overly stressed by them. Expectations, I think these I need to allow to develop naturally instead of based on my cognition. Whatever I find from people, of good then alhamdulillah, and anything other than that, then I let that pass and do not take more from it than can be helped. It isn't easy to balance concern for people and the limits of what can be done or asked from them, but sometimes, in some days, alhamdulillah the flow is simply self-sustaining with whatever He puts in place. 

There's much to make one sober in life, one's mistakes, shortsightedness, ignorance, misunderstanding something, being unaware or unwilling, all of these are in some measure part of me at some time or another. 

But, most importantly, there are always reasons for optimism, for being hopeful not just of the future, but for the present. If I had to define myself, I would choose to be a bridge for the ones I care about, from now into Then.

 

Two-Cents

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It's been said that Jannah is surrounded by obstacles and that which we would find hard to do. This is true. I cannot speak of the end of this journey, but I can describe something of the road leading to it. 

Jannah takes patience, endurance of harm and deficit, persistence in the khair of one's nature, stubborn refusal of one's darker calling,  and recurring awareness that the self will definitely, unquestionably, certainly be held accountable in front of Allah for all its actions and all its intents.

Part of my essence, my code, a defining quality of my being, is that I seek the good in a situation and try to leave the bad from it. This is pretty much always the case. The emotion I find does not fuel guilt because it is fuel for something else: my drive to see my vision, His gift to me, complete. My vision does not settle in this earthly life, it isn't satisfied with temporal/momentary pleasure or fulfillment, I want it all, completely, for EVER. As I know that one day death will come to me, I have to seek Eternity in the only place it can be found: akhirah. Every experience of mine is ultimately nothing more than fuel towards that end, for the bigger picture is what I chase, though I must live in the moment and try to not fail utterly at whatever He tries me with in the meantime.

If you can (and you must), collect and preserve the emotion from your mirror, use it to endure whatever escapes your grasp in this life, so that in the Next, you find hold of it in permanence. If this emotion allows you to accept difficult circumstances and remain steadfast, then consider it a gift from your Rabb, but if you find that it leads you into annihilation in self-satisfaction, then you have to take a few steps back and reflect. Among the things I've long been trying to do, with that emotion I tucked away in a time capsule, is to purify it, keep it free of my own personal selfishness and need, such that whenever it's brought to mind, its purpose becomes entirely the goal I seek at the end of my road, and not some half-way measure before then. 

Before Allah, I have no cover, no shield, no protection or help, no aid, no defense, no place or means of hiding, no recovery, and simply put, in front of Him, I have nothing. In my endeavor, if I had an inkling of ill intent to seek what He did not permit, He would seize me then and there. I write this because inshaAllah I want you to find something similar to it, a kind of awareness that becomes your eternal rope to Him in every circumstance. I will never stop being what I am, bi ithniAllah, and that includes my emotions and expressions, but maybe this also includes being a trial for you. But, it is possible to pass a trial with the aid from another trial. I know this for fact because that is precisely what it is for me: I could not ask for a more beautiful trial (you) in everything He's ever brought to me. Would I shun the potential gain (Eternity) for fear of what others may think or come to know? Absolutely not. The only outside concern that matters for me is what my Rabb thinks of me, and though my weaknesses are immense, there is a certain part of the soul that yearns to return to its Creator. I cannot deny this redirection towards Him, indeed, many times it's been the mechanism of His saving grace that kept me from falling completely into any number of darknesses. 

Ok, monologue aside. I am your mirror. Thus I would always have it be, iA. When you need to reflect, or recharge, or remember, then seek your reflection. There's only one direction I can point to, because it's the only place I want/need/have to go: up, way, way up...Firdaus.

Further along those rivers of milk and honey

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

this dream..

...like fine wine, getting better with age, reaching perfection in time, though not a drop yet tasted,..or like a gown made of lace, slowly unraveled, until it falls to the floor in grace, to show what's behind, the fullest of shapes,..or like a gourmet and its marinade, laid out full course, with all kinds of spice and sauce, sweets and pastries puffed, lining to the brim plates and things with cups, this the start of His gifts, of surfaces silky smooth, simply waiting for the touch. 

The Coronation

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 It had not been long since the Embrace, so his vision had not fully acclimated itself to seeing something other than her. He understood the reluctance of his senses to bring his gaze elsewhere, but he knew where they were headed. The sprawling entrance to their estate only served to heighten its grandeur, accentuating color splashed carefully in every intertwined manifestation of natural life and supple custom-made luxury, all arranged by the One Who owned all perfection. He had to admit, this was utterly gorgeous and better than any kind of opening scene appetizer he would have imagined. For no other reason than it might bring to her a smile, a rapturous cascade of laughter that none but he had privilege to witness. Soon thereafter a messenger arrived, immaculately-dressed, handing her an envelope after a most-courteous bow.

~

The level of surprise simply kept growing on her, there was no longer anything she could anticipate because everything thus far was so beyond her conception of 'extraordinary', her imagination was still catching up. The letter, now in her hand, spoke of an invitation to a regal event, to be attended by the most dignified of guests, notable not simply for name but known by the amazing quality of their deeds in the past life. These were the bravest, most loyal of souls to their Creator, seeking Him when none else would even think it. But it was so strange, what was the event for? There was no precise description listed, a curiosity building she could not contain. He knew she was bubbling to know, but the moment of its arrival would be picture-perfect if the surprise held. "Let's go and find out," he suggested, and so they set off. 

~

There was a stage, in the middle of a vast open field of grass, with tables for sitting and tables for serving, waiters deftly weaving through it all, delivering drinks and anything from the gourmet their guests desired. On the stage was a pair of thrones, one slightly grander and more elegant than the other. "What is this?" she asked, her question trailing away as she noticed more of the audience starting to look towards her. "This, is for you, my Muse." His reply began her heart racing as she noticed an ornate wooden box, and so put the pieces finally together. As he lead her up the stage, into a throne matching her grace, the expression on her face, this moment, he knew, was worth everything it took. As she sat with bated breath, he lifted open the treasure box to reveal a most magnificent crown, intricately laid with rubies and diamonds, set in lustrous gold effortlessly gleaming. As he placed it gently upon her head, the crown seemed to reflect every bit of light it found, and given an audience and setting as it had, it was as if the Sun itself had finally found the center of her galaxy. If he had to describe what made the moment so glorious, it was perhaps the blush on her cheeks, or the smile of lips he could not take his eyes away from, or the curls of her flowing raven hair, or the way her chest rose and fell so deeply, knowing as she did what the moment meant: this was a culmination of the Ages, this was what he had so long wished to see, the time where she became, a pillar of his world, in earnest as his Queen.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One of the earliest precursors that helped define what I wanted to chase and why: my Hoor. Of every description of every reward that can be fathomed in akhirah, it was the Hoor that first struck a chord of longing and completion that seems so evasive in dunya. Here is a special creation of my Rabb's, made for me as much as I would exist to match it, as if every strand of our DNA was complementary of one another. Her eyes, perfectly contrasting, her bosom, my refuge, her skin, like coral and rubies in refinement, her shy nature, seeking to please in such a way that my wish for her to be as fulfilled only increases exponentially...all of these are just the parts I can grasp, for now. For every part of this life Muslims are not permitted, there is its equal and immensely-superior complement from Allah, reserved with Him when this test is something we are finished with. For every difficulty here, there is its pair in ease and rest and pleasure (all infinitely-magnified) in akhirah. 

In that Pinnacle I often reference, my Hoor are without measure, a uniqueness without compare to other creation. Perhaps the only singular question is: will I be able to meet them? The answer to this is the same as it ever was: if Allah so wills. These days I am often lost from my ocean, subsisting on some surface-level of awareness and emotion. I hate it, but if I cannot tolerate it and push towards boundaries, then my battle is lost, and, Allah-forbid, the war against the self/shayateen may be lost as well. In finding reasons to hold steady, of all His gifts, those Hoor are important as any.