أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

makers of peace don't often get long to relish the ease, putting out the fires from places and peoples externally ignited, misunderstanding coupled with barriers of language, slog through the muck to have solid ground where we're standing and finding. in moments like these, and immediately preceding, when the sky mimics falling and tension takes every avenue for seething, i learn more about precisely why my Moon is so precious, a goal beyond the veil, a goal only for the one who He lets manage to stay strong and convinced; then, like topping of luscious cream on cake already fully baked with every known confection, beyond what's been sought or expected, the Gemini's visage i recall in the skyline, realizing in an instant that every effort has to be what i give...to regain my soul's half along with my superlative twin. 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

 is truth a boulder or a wing? i've heard it said that it can free, but though i keep looking for it, freedom still evades my grasp, like catching air barehanded without any other means. wish at times i could be anything other than what i am, questions always building, rising like a tide powered by a storm the size of life, but there's always never enough answers, levees always breaking and broken, sandbags thrown out the way as if they were toys for toddlers, not mechanisms intended to buffer the living from nature. fam keep trying to put in place what they think will bring me "happiness", not realizing how long ago He kept it from me, since the day i sought to be better than i was, choosing a path for Eternity as my end. this world and its sociality, have nothing and nadda to do with me, the most nomadic nomad ever i would guess, always trying to be convinced he's sitting in the lap of luxury when all his eyes tell him is that he's stranded in a desert, absent his beacons, his oceans, an island surrounded by salty truths that he tries swallowing no matter how much their bitterness burns as true. they tell me my Gift is coming, arriving, provision for this life, so it might appear to seem, but the Red Pill remains what i'm taking, still, saturated by distance, some days can turn off the switch be a little less than human, a toast for the automatons! the dead or dying masquerading as living, machinery i can be, got wires enough to connect the poles of current, perhaps for a second need no emotion, no resonance...just for a second.

Pursuit of a mortal

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

some might wonder what makes me tick, as if what's already been written was insufficient, so a summary might be in order, to place all the ducks in a row so they found which route to the shore is shorter.

 

i live to be.....the reason you smile, grinning like a kid who just won the chocolate candy lottery; the one to have you moaning, endlessly, in wave after wave of ecstasy; the reason for your rolling laughter, the very finest of slapstick comedy and exquisitely-timed comic relief; the one who makes joy well up in your eyes till it rolls down your cheeks, into my waiting fingers and kisses appreciative of royalty He permitted this slave to savor and receive; the ride of all your lifetimes, into worlds unknown for us to name, discover their mysteries, give meaning to the breadth of magnificence His creation evokes in our being.

 

perhaps a few more purposes i could tack on to this list, but i think it suffices as a starting point for Eternity, to begin relishing all that it is.

 

 

Connected Dots

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

"I could never be content to graze something and not plunge into the very depths of it whilst drowning every atom of my being whilst praying to be submerged forever." 

 

+ 

 

"are we opposites, you and I, in life, this life?"

 

= 

 

not even opposite in the slightest, the reason I chose the path I'm living, simply so I can be free to be forever diving, along with my beloved, inside an ocean that truly has no ending. the only medium of manifestation, the only place worthy of such presence to be made real, His Firdaus, where plunging goes hand in hand with perfection. this life and its superficial meetings can't suffice me, which is why I'm always seeking the core of things, as far as these eyes can see, and in you I've found (and been reminded), that twinship is a state of being and objective, truly worth every test He would try me with.

 

alhamdulillah for something so beautiful to chase in my sky...life is life only with such amazing, daunting goals. 

Next Week, and time after that

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

much i've said during this lifetime, but so much more still there, waiting. the coming months, in some ways, promise to be the longest of my life. but i accept the terms He lays out, whatever He wishes to extract from me, so that i might have a chance at holding my beloved forever, it's fine with me alh. 

 

my Gift is expected to arrive next Friday (Oct 2nd) iA, so one hopes that her presence tempers the immediate state of apartness. she won't have anyone's shoes to fill, or any particular expectations. whatever parts of being a wife she fulfills, alhamdulillah. whatever she falls short of, i still have to retain every semblance of decency i can, and perhaps help her growth in the process too iA.

 

~

 

for a number of reasons, i do not think i can expect a year like 2020 to ever happen again. gaining deeper insights from my Moon, being revisited and reminded by my Gemini, these blessings...so priceless. ironic right, one of the hardest years ever and here i am already lamenting that it could only happen once. i've said something like this before on occasion: would that i had a thousand lifetimes, each having to endure a thousand cuts, just for being able to know and hear from you again, i would relive all of them, over and over, as many times as He let me. 

 

i suspect this life will continually present sadness inside some shade of the spectrum of our bond, for priorities have to be given and boundaries protected when necessary. most often, this will entail distance, something i know all too well, a very familiar companion of mine.

alhamdulillah, it's not all gloomy. i've found that a recurring, effortless dua echoes in my mind these days, reaching out instinctively to my Rabb, pleading with Him to keep your paths straight and easy and never insufficient. on the one hand, i hate to be parted, maybe now more than ever, knowing as much as He's allowed me to learn of you. but, on the other hand, i know with a certainty that surpasses me down to my bones, my beacons gonna shine for Eternity. and in the meantime, if they happen to forget or be dimmed, i get to be their reminder iA 😁

 

Dua of the Constellation

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

ya Rabb, save her like You're saving me, let her know Your need like life has myself been teaching, we're both Your slaves, created to follow a road, that one day leads back to You and our Home. been thinking when i might reach out, see how her journey fares, but holding back till a moment You deem is right, for such a thing to be shared. cover her, my Rabb, envelop her in Your mercy, so with it only, is how she lives and breathes. expand her breast and let it taste freedom in only Your servitude, the rightest state any created one of us could ever take, the only mantle for the seekers, the knowing ones, the dreamers - for who could be more loftier an aim, than You? who could fulfill every ideal to its perfection, but You? if You would have me know another path of silence, i'd be fine with this, so long as You are the One Who takes care of her every moment, not simply in the daily matters of rizq, but oh Rabb, i want her guidance ever assured in Your care as well. there's no second that passes where her dependency on You could ever be amiss, You pump the blood through her arteries and veins, ensuring her lungs can do enough of their exchange, that life flows to each and every cell, until the time comes for some to end and others born anew to take their place instead. i don't yet understand what it is to be a twin, to have one whose DNA matches what i might think, so i must entrust her to Your affection, that her very existence never loses sight of all You hold, and all You've given. ameen

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

if every light shined as bright as you, no doubt my eyes would shutter like they're blinded, so i take it as blessing to have simply you as my Moon, somehow lighting even in silence, even when pathways are cloudy and walls up to near maximal distance, perhaps what i've already seen suffices, to reconstitute fuel from memory whenever the furnace nears too cool in temps. gonna strive to fashion on this canvas as much as i can fathom of "positivity and courage", forces you so implicitly gifted me through my most trying of moments, some bends on this road of life have your blissful presence, while some turns are cloudier and obscure a bit of the ambiance, but the Moon is the Moon for this wayfarer who's never stopped his traveling, never stopped seeking to bring his goal nearer.

this Reality of mine

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

gotta keep the chest open, never let it close, or else i'll drown in my own ocean, and not get to see you Home. don't know how long the road is, how many hours minutes or seconds, or how many inches feet or miles, surrounded to excess by time and distance, but this is the price of my life, paid just to see you Then in your fullest. sometimes think i must be the maddest, persisting in a path of apartness, but truly, only His approval matters, that I haven't let Him down while making duas that trace themselves to the top of all His Heavens. so long as you're kept safe and steady, so long as He has your back, then my contentment is whole and intact, and my tongue finds dhikr for its Maker, that He preserve your essence in every moment and weather. smile!! dear beloved, let the physical pain dissipate knowing you're intertwined in my soul and for Eternity chased, these days are mere interludes for survivors, growing stronger more than i wished, but hopefully enough iA to become your wings, and take us ever higher.

Unbalanced Scales

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

"House With No Mirrors", by Sasha Sloan

Randomly came across this earlier today, beautiful but layered with sadness. Wish I could fully describe all the weight societies wrongly place on women, but it is true sometimes one has to *be* in another's shoes to know such things. Fortunately, this song seems to capture much of it, in ways obvious enough for me to grasp as well. 

The plague of self-doubt and diminution and constriction humanity casts on one half of itself is injustice personified. I shouldn't be surprised that contemporary feminism was borne out of such oppression across millennia, but not sold on that as the answer. Why shouldn't women/people be both beautifully self-expressive but modest as well? Why do so many get pulled into extremes whereby they make it seem it must be one or the other? That modesty itself they've outdated, but when it comes to being declothed (ironically serving the nature of men in the process), women can rationalize being champions of the modern self-"empowering" trend?

Difficult questions, but the only answers we can find will be those for ourselves, in our day to day interactions, how we to choose to maintain relationships, regardless of what we find in turn. 

~

don't think my beloved need any mirrors where they live, for my ocean suffices in reflection, taking in their light i've long seen, showing it back to them. but this life, it may not be deep enough, may end up too short, for the reflecting to finish, when such beauty i have the privilege of witness, is too great to summarize in a single lifetime. thus, i need Eternity, the only time and place where justice can breathe, not suffocated, where i can truly encapsulate all my beacons mean, iA.

 

in the Eyes of a Twin

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so that's what amber is like when it sparkles, catching the light from so many angles, gateways to possibility, a reality waiting to be unleashed of its potential. though this year has often found ways to be twisted, your eyes were one of His marvels of mercy, succor for one absent his beloved, a beacon of resonance and hope along various flavors and levels. how could i ever deserve such visitation? i thought my sky was already full to brim with that which calls and holds me in orbit, then this constellation appears after a long-ago sighting, delectably strengthening my anchor to Heaven, an unfathomed layer to a cake that i've long poured my life into baking.

may my Rabb keep my ties to such beacons, unbroken and eternal, pulling and pushing in directions amazing without equal, while coalescing oceans, so every wave we breathe as breathlessly together, as would a pair relishing their Pinnacle, ameen. 

Refining Retrospectives

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It happens often enough in life that certain memories, especially involving those closest to us, leave an indelible mark on not just who we are, but also on those particular relationships, how we relate to them and carry them forward. 

Along these lines, for the past week or 2, I'd been trying to wrap my mind around history possibly repeating itself vis-à-vis my Gift. The challenge of letting someone grow and evolve, and not relegate them to the same looping perspective of, 'if they did it once, they'll do it again', is hard to overstate. Human beings look for patterns, we try to determine what's going to happen based on what's already transpired, but the problem is our sight is extremely limited, there are tons of blindspots in how far (if at all) we can see. 

A certain realization hit me yesterday, that if I am to be able to move forward with my Gift, I need to not view past disappointments as a source of friction between her and I; instead, the challenge of how to internalize and manage the past fitnahs of life has to shift into a matter that is between me and my Creator. It is He Who brought me to that trial, and He Who led me through it. The key point is to try and remove the point of contention away from mortal causes, because we know well how limiting and flawed it can mean to be human, and turn the focus to Allah, especially in terms of expectation. I think the key is to be able to develop a patience borne of expectation from Him of what recompense or goal or ultimate objective is sought. 

For me, it's obvious enough. I've been evolving in this direction for some time. My specific akhirah with my specific beloved is the most precious of all mortal goals. There is a neighboring aim I have related to my Rabb, but that never seems to really fluctuate or seem out of hand...makes sense, as the Creator has no difficulty or aspect of challenge, while the creation are faced with constant changes and challenges. Alhamdulillah for steadiness in these regards.  

As my Moon once said, "dropping baggage and resetting opinions is the hardest thing ever." This is definitely true. I figure that this approach will take regular reinforcement, of consciously holding myself back from formulating a fixed/unchanging opinion of my Gift, of accepting her presently without holding the past against her, and being able to keep the difficulties I've faced strictly as a matter between me and my Rabb, as it should be. 

Side note: 

Like always, I wish I knew how you were doing, what you go through, what ups and downs you're facing. Though I can't, for now, my dua of your finding khair in everything remains.

 

ain't always easy being male

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Poetic, on various levels, but if I had to guess, I think he found it worthwhile 🙈

Of Nutrients and Coincidence

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

originally began on 8/23/20:
if only I could put you in a pill, take you with my vitamins, never have to wonder where my contentment went off to, as my self would be full of all I need from the alphabet. as it is, slightly lacking in such supplements, keeps me always on the lookout for, drops of Rain to pull my eyes ever sky-toward.

~

One time, during a visit to the doc's office, I noticed something on the nurse's table: a bottle of KY Jelly. It struck me as so uniquely fitting: my fave combination of letters, being the name of a special lubricant designed to facilitate interaction and minimize friction, and water-based at that. 

Mmm, alhamdulillah for the beautiful, subtle coincidences of life.

Fountaintip

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

some fountains are made in pens, and some fountains trickle from the neck, whether lyrical or literal, such is the nature of my depiction, trying to bridge the distance of selves with any means imaginable. whether with fangs or barrels, in the hand or in both arms cradled, the ink runs deep in every instance, intended to serve as fuel for my beacons when life drains their quintessence, trying to deprive of cares and make us as feelingless as the masses. i have a hunch this serves part of His purpose, in making my ocean freshwater instead of salted, to be for my beloved something cooler and refreshing. though i wish i could see you smile, and know that purpose fulfilled, i accept some blessings are too grand of treasures for me to witness before their time approaches, fully ready and measured, infinitely grand as the lights that kept this soul tethered. 

perhaps the fountain i most look forward to, amongst our Gardens' waterfalls and geysers, soaking you in the fullest, the laughing and splashing, carefree pleasure of a time free of worry while inundated in glee, relishing longing as a cup met and filled and overflown, until bliss is what we're convinced of, the only state we've ever known. 

Reflecting

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

what is a fuse, without its match? how else would it ignite, take flame, and bring light to the world that exists? 

how could our eyes see, had our Maker not made us as beacons brighter than being? 

you once called me the spark, but it was your flame i reflected, amplifying a vision, turning your hope into the answer of my question, this is how infernos are borne, at the intersection of  flammability and energy potentials.

my twin once called my ocean, "inexhaustible", "boundless", adjectives of fascination, perhaps not realizing that the only reason this nomad can be what he is, because of what his Rabb has given: not only love from Him, in protection and care and guiding and reminding, but the oft-present fam and friends growing with him from age 0 till present, and as yet i haven't even mentioned, what for me is the most sumptuous of cake and its icing, nearly the greatest of blessings: the Moon in my sky, the other half of my completion; the recently-found Gemini, of twinship without explanation, their celestial oceans, flowing, slowly, into mine...so that everything i can ever express or imagine, all of it comes from the sum of what He's let me experience. 

~

alhamdulillah for all of it, i wouldn't change anything. too many priceless realizations found, too much beauty discovered to ever look back. forward it is, iA just so i can make you smile and laugh and beam for Eternity.