Refining Retrospectives

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It happens often enough in life that certain memories, especially involving those closest to us, leave an indelible mark on not just who we are, but also on those particular relationships, how we relate to them and carry them forward. 

Along these lines, for the past week or 2, I'd been trying to wrap my mind around history possibly repeating itself vis-à-vis my Gift. The challenge of letting someone grow and evolve, and not relegate them to the same looping perspective of, 'if they did it once, they'll do it again', is hard to overstate. Human beings look for patterns, we try to determine what's going to happen based on what's already transpired, but the problem is our sight is extremely limited, there are tons of blindspots in how far (if at all) we can see. 

A certain realization hit me yesterday, that if I am to be able to move forward with my Gift, I need to not view past disappointments as a source of friction between her and I; instead, the challenge of how to internalize and manage the past fitnahs of life has to shift into a matter that is between me and my Creator. It is He Who brought me to that trial, and He Who led me through it. The key point is to try and remove the point of contention away from mortal causes, because we know well how limiting and flawed it can mean to be human, and turn the focus to Allah, especially in terms of expectation. I think the key is to be able to develop a patience borne of expectation from Him of what recompense or goal or ultimate objective is sought. 

For me, it's obvious enough. I've been evolving in this direction for some time. My specific akhirah with my specific beloved is the most precious of all mortal goals. There is a neighboring aim I have related to my Rabb, but that never seems to really fluctuate or seem out of hand...makes sense, as the Creator has no difficulty or aspect of challenge, while the creation are faced with constant changes and challenges. Alhamdulillah for steadiness in these regards.  

As my Moon once said, "dropping baggage and resetting opinions is the hardest thing ever." This is definitely true. I figure that this approach will take regular reinforcement, of consciously holding myself back from formulating a fixed/unchanging opinion of my Gift, of accepting her presently without holding the past against her, and being able to keep the difficulties I've faced strictly as a matter between me and my Rabb, as it should be. 

Side note: 

Like always, I wish I knew how you were doing, what you go through, what ups and downs you're facing. Though I can't, for now, my dua of your finding khair in everything remains.