ain't always easy being male

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Poetic, on various levels, but if I had to guess, I think he found it worthwhile 🙈

Of Nutrients and Coincidence

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

originally began on 8/23/20:
if only I could put you in a pill, take you with my vitamins, never have to wonder where my contentment went off to, as my self would be full of all I need from the alphabet. as it is, slightly lacking in such supplements, keeps me always on the lookout for, drops of Rain to pull my eyes ever sky-toward.

~

One time, during a visit to the doc's office, I noticed something on the nurse's table: a bottle of KY Jelly. It struck me as so uniquely fitting: my fave combination of letters, being the name of a special lubricant designed to facilitate interaction and minimize friction, and water-based at that. 

Mmm, alhamdulillah for the beautiful, subtle coincidences of life.

Fountaintip

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

some fountains are made in pens, and some fountains trickle from the neck, whether lyrical or literal, such is the nature of my depiction, trying to bridge the distance of selves with any means imaginable. whether with fangs or barrels, in the hand or in both arms cradled, the ink runs deep in every instance, intended to serve as fuel for my beacons when life drains their quintessence, trying to deprive of cares and make us as feelingless as the masses. i have a hunch this serves part of His purpose, in making my ocean freshwater instead of salted, to be for my beloved something cooler and refreshing. though i wish i could see you smile, and know that purpose fulfilled, i accept some blessings are too grand of treasures for me to witness before their time approaches, fully ready and measured, infinitely grand as the lights that kept this soul tethered. 

perhaps the fountain i most look forward to, amongst our Gardens' waterfalls and geysers, soaking you in the fullest, the laughing and splashing, carefree pleasure of a time free of worry while inundated in glee, relishing longing as a cup met and filled and overflown, until bliss is what we're convinced of, the only state we've ever known. 

Reflecting

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

what is a fuse, without its match? how else would it ignite, take flame, and bring light to the world that exists? 

how could our eyes see, had our Maker not made us as beacons brighter than being? 

you once called me the spark, but it was your flame i reflected, amplifying a vision, turning your hope into the answer of my question, this is how infernos are borne, at the intersection of  flammability and energy potentials.

my twin once called my ocean, "inexhaustible", "boundless", adjectives of fascination, perhaps not realizing that the only reason this nomad can be what he is, because of what his Rabb has given: not only love from Him, in protection and care and guiding and reminding, but the oft-present fam and friends growing with him from age 0 till present, and as yet i haven't even mentioned, what for me is the most sumptuous of cake and its icing, nearly the greatest of blessings: the Moon in my sky, the other half of my completion; the recently-found Gemini, of twinship without explanation, their celestial oceans, flowing, slowly, into mine...so that everything i can ever express or imagine, all of it comes from the sum of what He's let me experience. 

~

alhamdulillah for all of it, i wouldn't change anything. too many priceless realizations found, too much beauty discovered to ever look back. forward it is, iA just so i can make you smile and laugh and beam for Eternity.

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

staring down one of those abysses i've long become familiar with, trials of life compounding together as i visualize past and present and future disappointments compiled in one single boulder. i pondered over one of His names, The Afflicter, and tried to reform desire for servitude, but all i can trust is for Him to make the trials ever harder. couldn't fathom direction, much less overcome a universe outside my control or making...but one thing you said, about looking forward to swimming, though this life would keep us apart for a bit..and just like so, the scorching orange of agony turned back into its crystal blue my surfaces tend to be, though i still have no answers or guarantees, no surety He won't turn the hearts of my beloved away from what i seek in destiny, the only thing i have, the only thing i can see, just the chance that i might one day be complete. and that must suffice, even as He melts and revives me like an iceberg chiseled to His conception, even as distance would try to drown myself in absence, the thought of your smile, of a touch to make your happiness like a skylight with the sun behind your eyes, that possibility is enough for this nomad to keep his trek alive.

a Memo for the Muse

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

you are my minimum,

and my maximum,

you fill my valleys,

and sit atop my peaks,

you are my threshold,

without which

I'd care not to breathe.

if I had a story,

you'd be its heroin(e) - 

both that which I'd love to inhale,

and she who'd save me once I did.

never should you feel my absence,

because you've long held

the only part of me,

that's truly free in essence:

inside your chest, is

the kite I wish I was, 

held 

without string,

the bird I haven't yet become, 

soaring

with you as my wings.

Be steady and safe, my Muse,

patient and firm,

your other half

will

without a shadow's doubt,

find his way 

back to you,

iA.

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, went back to work for first time in over 6 months today. Something regained of normalcy, often missed in times like these. 

I keep on learning that life is sometimes really, really long, but the goal of finding my beloved makes it worthwhile. It's why the march continues, why I do not bend under the weight of whatever ends up on these shoulders. Alhamdulillah for that.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

gonna find you again, the drive of my living, the fuel in the tank, God willing, to expend it all in patience and hope, to last so long as i can, simply to see you again. i have no curative for the distance we're tested with, but i've long known you are the only you there ever was or will be, and that suffices as air for breathing. time will try to still my waves and freeze the surface, but as many blessings of your memory as i've been given, molten is the only state i find myself in. body's improving, alhamdulillah, and steadily the rest of me too, praying your worries are farthest with your smiles nearest, such is the wish of your advocate.

Memoria

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

how many times and in how many ways will you capture me? this time, inside the slight intake of breath, right before your fingers strummed the guitar, finding the tune you've always held.

alhamdulillah that my Rabb brought you to me since the beginning, for letting you be my outlet and my intake, the script of my soul, the star in my sky without which i would have faded from this earth long ago.

yeah, one day I'll be less sappy. perhaps when destinies are realized, Then is when all i am becomes real, right next to you, iA.

My Oceanographer

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Much can be said about connections, how they're made and kept, why they have meaning. For decades and presumably all of my life, I've been/will be trying to fully express what one particular person means to me. I have learned this is a lifelong, eternal endeavor.

My Moon - The first and only soul to ever brave my ocean completely, to explore its every layer, chart its every depth, to dive into it from our very beginning without fear or hesitation. Somehow, she knew what I sought before I'd actually thought it, knew from the outset that I was her objective and that she was my answer. It was never blind emotion, feeling without sight, for we saw both our merits and flaws, as part and parcel of us, accepted with a wholeness that only our Rabb surpasses in His wisdom.

I have a hunch that, if every person in the world knew someone like that in life, there would be no war, no hunger, no strife. I might call it the human solution of the equation most every person has ever felt. Indeed, it forms an integral part of my drive towards that elusive Garden, to be whole again iA.

Incubating

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

even if here i'm not writing, that doesn't mean you're not written, in many thoughts across the back of the mind, keeping outlooks sunny when what life shows is only dreary vision. though much of goals is beyond conception, the basics i can get, like the shape of a mirror when it's at last been twinned, of angles and directions, concavity and complexions, reaching back with words when silence is our speech of preference. sometimes, it's good for the pulse to start racing, for breaths to miss their timing, so eventually is unified the purpose, like a clock that's perfectly been winded. incubation of the heart has a few stages, maybe lasting a decade, or a year, or simply a day that itself seems ageless, but when it's said and done and finished, sitting crowned back inside your bosom, adorned and peerless, then is the moment of witness, when the Gemini is beheld, shining at her brightest.

Lunar Loft

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

it's alright, if for all the rest of life, the only treasures of yours He lets me have are the ones already given, because i will love your silence and your speech, the painted scenes of our journey to come, alongside the blank canvas where our brushes have not yet reached, so long as you are safe and sound, knowing full well the part of me that beats, is what you've already found, tucked inside your breast, one of many portions i wait to meet. dunya guarantees me nothing, but that is well and good, because in you i've long had my chase and fruit, just as every nomad should. i'll brave the parching winds and scorching heat and biting cold, the loneliness amidst company the absence of resonance the incomplete attempts of others trying to replicate what you were born to be, just to have the chance He might grant me what He grants to ones He loves and guides towards His Eternity. you are where my contentment began, where my contentment dwells, where my mortal me, the duckling, finds in you the swan of itself

 

Raindrop

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

An acoustic cover, with the guitar. 

Alhamdulillah for every raindrop of recollection that somehow points back to my Moon :)

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It's so strange, the kinds of things people can say when they learn how close mortality is to themselves or someone they apparently love. This summer, I heard from my Gift words she'd never said before, phrases and concepts she'd never expressed or even hinted at acknowledging such things existed for her. Surprise, surprise?

"I'm the lucky one to have you"

^One of the handful of truly remarkable hyperboles she's used. I have made known a few times of the level of disappointment and contradiction experienced since we married, but much has not been conveyed here. Those reflections and unfathomables are only for me, and not for anyone else to know or understand.

But of what she said above, lead me to think of my own fortune. Where is it for me, how far off, of all that I have sought and seek. I hate this path of apartness with a hatred whose depth is suited to me. But still I would not change what has happened, nor the goal itself. Though, were it possible for me to blink and have finished living to the end of my time, I would take that chance in a heartbeat. But He denies me this, as He denies me from much. That is what it is, clear the distinction between slave and Master. It seems so often I am left with the salty irony to swallow, not least of all a Gift that keeps on taking (as opposed to giving). Well, I did state once that I'd take in all the salt of the earth and its oceans if it meant uniting with my beloved for Eternity. As if my qadr would rub all of the salt that could exist, into wounds no eye can see, such is how it often comes to pass in my case. 

At some moments in life I lose all sense of 'contentment', what it means, or if such a thing can even exist. These days are perpetual trials, wrapped up one after the other, with layers upon layers of absence and distance. Freedom from treatment comes soon. I should be looking forward to that, but it pales in light of who I'm missing. Curious, how every year of my life, every test, all of them, underscored by whom I cannot have close to me. Only one thing I can say...That is the qadr of Allah and He does whatever He wills

 

Of Myth and Manifestation

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sometimes, in quietude, it might seem like i'm myth, a fable, taken in only to be unconstrued, but that's just the silence talking, 'tis never the case, not at all the truth. the deepest, strongest of goals take the longest of walks, the peak of ideals hand in hand with the highest of costs (distance). one day i'll arrive, with His permission, erasing all notion of myth, with the touch of fingers and the meeting of lips. the destiny i'm chasing, sooner or later, whenever best is the timing and His favor, coalesces in your lap - my pillow and candy shop, waiting for its lollipop, waiting to be savored. even as this life tries to make it all a desert, taking away all sweetness, for now depriving us from dessert, this torch stays lit, so the oven keeps on baking, for the cake risen to culinary perfection.

Arc

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

slightly out of phase, time zone differences, keeping slightly distant, slightly away, wish it were simply a matter of zip codes, so mine quickly changed, flying back to your bosom, my home, surpassing every construct of brick and wood and stone. but life has me grounded, perhaps better this way for me to appreciate the heavenly apparatus, mechanisms of mass in meaning paired with gravity that always tries to closer have such orbits being. soon, couple weeks from now, some normalcy iA returning, work again in the real life, a return from exile it feels like, once treatments cease and breathing is back to its regular rhythms. 

looking forward to the ocean becoming more calm, more stilled, routine and predictability, the taken-for-granted pillars of living when few other things appear to be working, though dunya can never own me, try as it will in futility, a son of the Sky won't stay buried in the earth, while his Garden constantly calls him, the only place he ever found of worth.

tunes

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

for some time now, I've caught a liking for nightcore remixes/edits. [acoustic remixes becoming a fast fave as well]

this one I found today, and though I can't say I'd ever rock petals around my neck (maybe if they were just super jazzy or matching something/someone, I dunno lol), much of the imagery on the vid's background and of course the lyrics especially, strike a chord (or many, many chords, to be precise).

(note - primary exception, my parents never got me a guitar or ever encouraged individuality. internal drives were a thing alhamdulillah I found from blessings that happened to rain on me every now and again. also, can't overlook how my Moon and the guitar go hand in hand, from a few memories I get to keep mA. the subtle waves this song correlates with me not only in content, but recent experience...a bit whoa.)

 

Evolution of a Twin

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

From about 2010 to 2015, the dark age of my life, I can remember a number of my thought processes and tendencies that made things very difficult for the people close to me. I used to think that my friends and family, essentially anyone I cared about, either took me as I was or I disconnected from them and kept a barrier between them and myself. I think I gauged their acceptance/devotion in how they responded to my unpredictable nature, to my flighty reserved isolationism. If they were true, I would know it by them being cool the next time I'd choose to venture outside of my cave. What a limited, suffocating existence I used to have.

Many experiences brought me to my present evolution; Alhamdulillah is really the single word to say about that. My Rabb wished my self-sabotage to be overcome and so it was. I was permitted to learn that love, when it is faced head-on, embraced, internalized, understood, becomes a sort of weight, leading one to no longer fly away but rather to stay in place when it comes to people that matter, realizing that such bonds are an obligation, a beloved responsibility, to be demonstrated in answering them when they call upon me, to seek them out from time to time and see how they're faring, to aid them with whatever means I can, this is what it means to love and frame its endurance in perpetuity. 

I know that for my Gemini, there was a period of time in which she faced extreme difficulty, of a different sort. In my history lesson, I came to know she is braver, stronger, and composed of a far tougher substance than myself. But if there was a caveat I found from such an era of one's life, it was that it made love blurry to her, harder to grasp with the fingers even if the eyes could ascertain it in another. Sometimes I think she does not realize how unique she is, that my own nature is somehow more the reason of my endless ocean and perspective towards her - my nature as a cause instead of herself, almost as if to say "he is that way with all his beloved, so what makes me special?" The answer is fairly simple: she is me, and I am her, as twins innately are, because I have never, ever, even remotely known or fathomed anyone who held as many parallel strands of existential DNA...and her being found is akin to discovering a meteorite from the planet Krypton....which is to say, something itself thought myth and merely a self-imagined projection, now literally held in my hands - just pure shock and amazement. That's all I can say to explain it. The rest is beyond. 

Back to the point though, it's obvious as day to me that one of the wisdoms of my Rabb permitting the Gemini to find her specific place in my sky, is so that the full, truest extent of love is made known to her, becoming not only something to fulfill as a desire for the self, but also a beacon to guide her towards the same place I myself seek: Firdaus.

A lofty aim, for sure. But it's the flame of Tomorrow that serves best as lamp of what should be sought, when dunya so often (and especially this year) offers nothing remotely comparable.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Some things in life have no expression. But still an attempt has to be made.

~

i knew the time was coming for you to return back to a safe distance behind your clouds. the time came. its consequence was absorbed. 

maybe soon iA i can rematerialize the light that escaped me. for now, rain is coming, another simple beautiful echo of yours. i can live with that.

Of the Sunrise and her Sunset

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

(a corollary to your piece, 10.2.2018)

looking more closely, in between the shades of the spectrum, we find the yellowing Sunrise and her reddened Sunset, arising both from the same place, their soul expressed as the sun's light itself. couldn't separate the rays of either, or say which carries more beauty, as they've long been shaped by their Creator, into one construct flowing seamlessly. both engulfed in stardust, one golden one crimson, arteries of artistry, our surfaces reflecting the light their atoms spent all this time in fusing. there's no reversal to this reaction, no stagnation, simply forward it goes, the chasing of light after light, until He releases them from gravity, free to supernova and unify their equation endlessly.

a Path for the Gemini

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

where i came from, where i want to be headed, it's a journey that has one primary Means, one primary Objective. if you seek to be twinned, for an Eternity unending, the only way is to put Allah first, reach for His acceptance, melting pride with a forehead on the ground in submission. be not concerned with others, what they might think or their impressions, the truth is found precisely in your personal connection, with our Creator that this life helps us forget to remember. the surface and the depths, these were never meant to be parts of our selves separate or estranged, rather brought together and embraced, not just in what they are, but for that which they should chase. give our Rabb His primacy, His position, above and beyond what we consider as mortally-assumed or -intrinsic, for if you left Him out of your equation, considering not the consequences, then He would never let me find you, never let us taste what it truly is to be twinned. His worship and recognition: the price of admission to the Garden i'm oft describing, the reality of bridging life with death into the landscape of Forever - a golden thread of promise, always in our palms unwinding.

what could be more worthwhile? 

Eid

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

holidays were made for your smile, its brightness and joy, so shower your loved ones with it, that even in these strange times they might have reason to rejoice. remember especially the fam, your parents, those who started life with you at its beginning, they need truly now your voice, to soothe away the aches of distance. were it my privilege, i'd bury you with gifts and sweets and memories not-yet-written, though for now that's a bit delayed, these letters are the fruit of your inspiration, marking each moment how you remain remembered.  

The Palm of Your Hand

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

in it, the very fingertips i have longed to hold, to touch, to kiss, the palm, where await my tickles and traces, outlining with my own the folds of your skin. such a simple pleasure, magnified to infinity until the moment comes for Him to fill a wish to its measure. if it were possible to simply love and thus have that be your guidance, your ship would never steer amiss, your heart always know the truth of its present, but such precious gifts as what guidance is, His and only His to give. still, i will never cease, by His permission and so long as i breathe, to pray that your path straightens at your feet, ever apparent and easy to traverse, with you always finding what you need. speaking of which, you, my necessity, the gift to transcend notion of gift, acceptance to surround my soul, surpassing what all other mortals combined have ever shown, my Garden could never begin or be complete, until your hand first mine found, after which should we then feast.  

Contemporary Reflections

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One of the most beautiful, insightful articles I've ever read, agreed with pretty much everything he says. A retired Air Force colonel too, teaching history and commenting on the lessons he learned. 

Why can't more people like this be in charge in today's government?

https://asiatimes.com/2020/07/americas-war-on-its-own-democracy/ 

Retrospectives

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Some years back, there were a couple things I wrote that didn't quite make complete sense to me when I wrote them. They were paths I hadn't taken, experiences not yet had. Fast forward to the present, and I can now look back at what I wrote and say, damn, that was so on point, how could I have thought that in the past.

(written in 'The Portrait')

The first of these was that, for me to reach the destination and company that I sought, I'd have to forego the rights most mortals would choose to have fulfilled. After considering the past 1.5+ years of being married, this became truer than I ever wanted it to be. Like a lesson learned, that we might know ourselves is coming, but when it arrives it manages to defy any prediction or expectation. 

(written in 'The Batsignal')

The second was, that in order for me to be able to be the kind of beacon that I sought to be, I had be to one who always gave, never one to take from my beloved. Especially after being blessed with a reconnection to my Love of All Lifetimes, and the subsequent ups and downs and silences and brightnesses, I came to realize just how necessary that initial condition was. If I sought any beacon, for my self in the present, the consequences would be disastrous for everyone involved. Alhamdulillah particularly that my Rabb allowed me to fashion a goal beyond this life, that reinforced and meshed effortlessly with this perspective. 

 ---

It seems so strange to write something while not understanding it in the moment, yet it becomes almost prophetic down the road in one's life. Clearly I need to start working on some lotto numbers! Lol subhanaAllah, it's pretty crazy. Alas that understanding the present is not nearly as 20-20 (yes....the year is 2020 as well.........). Hindsight and all. 

At least the akhirah is clearer, aside from the simple caveat of Judgment of course. But what a life this is