بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

On the way back from the Haram in Makkah, after the Farewell Tawaf, a friend asked me what everything had meant to me, how did I feel, or some question along those lines. I couldn't really answer him well enough in one word, so I reached back to a metaphor I'd conceived back in June (ah yes, fateful, endearing June, with its unforgettable thundershowers). 

In something describing me, hope was the arrow nocked in a bow, an arrow immune to every force of this worldly life, with the bow representing the sum of all my experiences/efforts/blessings from my Rabb. 

My answer to him was this: I felt Hajj become the decisive force, the tipping point to gather all momentum, the singular event that finally unleashed my arrow from its bow, streaking towards its target. I think he understood, for he replied "inshaAllah". 

But did I? Alas, even as one who has thought he knew, the challenge ahead is daunting. What kind of road am I trying to forge, to find Allah's mercy in its fullest imaginable expression? Am I prepared? Do I dare wonder at the responsibilities endowed on such a slave who dares to dream so far beyond his scope? I am still yet mortal, never sinless, no saint just sinner, entangled into a life that so oft runs contrary to what I long for. Oh Rabb, where am I now? 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

At the beginning, this wasn't even on my radar. Before this year, I'd never thought deeply on Hajj, never considered it more than a distant afterthought of something to do far later in life. It wasn't a personal goal or wish of mine, "just" a worship I accepted as part of my deen.

With this as the backdrop, enter 2018. My two best friends invite me to go with them on their own Hajj, and there was no reason for me to say no. I had the time and resources, and amazingly, I could not have asked for better companions to be going with alhamdulillah.

At this point, one has to understand a few major things to grasp how Hajj relates to me and how I relate to Hajj: it was never a goal of mine, it is not my own accomplishment, there is absolutely no credit that I can claim as my own from it. The entire experience, from its inception to conclusion, was arranged entirely 100% by Allah. He put the circumstances in place, aspects I did not see to myself, He gave me the ability to accept the offer, He provided me the financial and logistical means to make it completely feasible without my own intending to do so at the start of it. He wanted me to go there, and thus I went as He willed, and I have to say that it makes me ecstatic beyond measure to be in such a position as to be part of His qadr for such obedience and acceptance. Which slave would not love to be one that His Creator chooses for him such a road, facilitates all of it, and then permits him to take from it good and continue in gratitude despite its difficulty? There will never be enough for me to repay Him with, because it seems to me that blessings from Him simply continue to increase at a pace which I cannot measure and only have the remotest peripheral grasp of. It's like watching a constellation being created, from the birth of its first star to the formation of its planets from gaseous clouds, but at the distance of so many millions of light-years away that the observer (me) can only get a very rough sense of the awe involved in what's happening before his eyes. Perhaps iA I can find always telescopes in life to see into His infinite mercy and gifts, that I may always be an awestruck 'abd.

In short, Hajj is simply a gift my Rabb allowed me to undertake. It was a challenge without which there is much I could not have appreciated, a way of refining my submission to Him in ways that can never be described by words or understood by people, especially myself. While still there are things to add of my experience, for the opening, it suffices to say that I would change nothing and I hope He permits me to be a grateful and hopeful slave of His always, ameen. 

Hajj

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, I've returned. Strange though, I don't recognize pretty much anything. It's as if a stranger lived the life I lived, everything is so foreign it is impossible to describe. Not quite an out of body experience, just that I feel like an outsider to what was once apparently 'me' for the longest time. My past literally does not seem to exist, at all, like I stand on the edge of a string at its very beginning, with no previous history behind it. 

It's not an uncomfortable notion, just disorienting, surprising, hard to encapsulate. I've always felt from dunya a sense of strangeness so I didn't think something like this would be as shocking as it is, but it has been. SubhanaAllah this is what it He makes it to be. 

So much to relate it turns out, will have to take time for that iA. I didn't expect there to be so much, but one look back at "life" and either the world has altered while I wasn't looking...or I am the one who changed. Most odd of all, I thought I recognized myself throughout all of Hajj, yet the world shows me a mirror and tells a different story. What a tale it must be

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Oh Allah..You are the Guardian of my dream, of what lies beyond my grave, of everything that comes in between. Oh Allah...I beg You to never let her stray, keep gently close to You her heart, that one Day You return it to her completed and whole. She has none other than You, it is only You Who grants her safety, it is only You Who protects her through everything she faces. I have submitted, each day of this life needs my continued submission, to You, Oh Rabb, that I retain sanctuary with You and seek for her khair towards an end which pleases You. 

If in pieces for this life I remain, but You are content with my choice, then I can never mind being constantly molten, constantly in a state of needing You to help me with an ocean far beyond my own abilities to survive. Hajj comes for me tomorrow, a journey whose specifics I don't quite grasp yet, but truly is just another part of my own path to You, fulfilling Your command, seeking in this obedience perhaps eternal favor from You. I have no complaints, my Rabb, I would change not a single thing You have lead me through, the only road for me is the one bringing me back to You, reminding me how completely in need of You I am. 

Alhamdulillah, inshaAllah always may it be so. 

my truth

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 
Oh my Rabb,
I know that
I am not enough,

But here I am,
at Your command
needful of Your Love.

My aims, so far exceed
my ability or plans,
without You, nothing can I
dream,
or hope,
or achieve.

And if dreamless,
and hopeless,
and meanless,

then what is left of ‘me’?

Every breath in which
khair I find,
is from You a gift,
one I cannot ever
repay in kind.

Alas! Were I ever worth
just one blessing of Yours,
I'd count myself most fortunate,
and of Your aid assured.

But, there is none
for me to claim,
knowing of my flaws,
how they feel as chains.

Yet, though in so much
I am wholly incomplete,
utterly without,
with You remains my relief.

Oh Rabb,
keep with You all that I am,
let it never be lost,
being the same for my Moon,
while through this life's shade,
is the journey we must cross.

Ameen

The Embrace

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

He knew. In the instant their hands touched, he knew: This would not be a simple reunion. As wings unfurled from her back, with a playful grin she spoke but one word, "Come." Then, flying straight upward, she darted into the sky as if it were a thing she had known all her life, with skill innate as a bird born to know. 

He hesitated only for the second (or two, perhaps three...he was not certain how long) it took him to recoup his senses from his sparrow's touch, then crouched to position himself for the leap. How would he match her speed and grace? There was just one way, the only one he'd always had, "Oh Rabb, help me in this." And with his dua released, he coursed behind her, into the vast, endless skies that surrounded the Gardens they had not yet claimed as gifts from their Creator. 

~

So this was how flying truly felt! The wind and clouds cruising by her face joined forces in earnest with what she held inside, waves of feeling fully reinforcing each on top of the other, until she felt herself a speck at the brim of each newly forming crest, being carried aloft towards heights she had never imagined in ways that filled her chest far beyond full, till it seemed her heart became the size of the universe itself and she could relish every joy inside. 

As preoccupied with this experience as she was, she wasn't quite expecting him to close the gap so quickly. Perhaps time had slowed, or ceased to exist and there was no distance between them at all, or perhaps laws of physics disappeared when it came to matters like this, she hadn't a care as the invitation was his all along. Now, she simply needed to find the right place, the perfect setting to arrange where it would happen.

Not at all unexpected was where she found herself heading: the middle part of all the heavens, the highest-risen crème de la crème, of all the palaces and Gardens and rivers and sparkles and delights Her Creator made for His chosen ones, 

Al-Firdaus. 

Its glory was not for sight or minds to describe, but only to be held close by those given the gift of going inside, and so it was she soared straight for its opened Gates, knowing well the mercy of her Rabb Who planned for her this fate, and just as she entered, along her side he came.

~

As their gazes met and held, amidst the air and wind, so too were the final doors inside themselves, freed forever from their hinge.

~

At last he found again her hand, she held his tight to bring him close, while suspended in mid-flight, above the finest Bliss they rose, unawares of it all, except of the other in their arms...and the warmth of lips that had now tasted Home.







--<@

The Sparrow's Return

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

From him:

Of the ages that had passed since his sparrow flew off to find her way, they all now faded into the background, mere precursors to what lay before his eyes. Those human years, tiny pebbles of worldly life, were so insignificant next to Eternity. 

Like air itself, she glided nearer, with every step the beating in his chest becoming akin to thunder, until sound itself vanished from hearing. How often had he longed for this moment? How deeply had he committed to patience to reach this particular gift from his Creator? The questions disappeared as soon as they were conceived, for none of the wait mattered now, she was here, coming. 

Her eyes, what could he say to describe them? Their sparkle, of finest gems, their shine, of brilliant stars, their smile, of bubbling life itself. As her hand rose toward mine, he swore time then ended. Microseconds stood still, this...was the Moment...and as it unfroze, as their hands clasped, so it was that they came to know: there were no endings, no beginnings, just this meeting, as He always meant it to be. 

Next came the Embrace, but he would wait to write of that. Time permitted him to relish every instant of the Day his sparrow returned Home. 

From the sparrow:

For so long she hadn't thought this possible, that it would never happen for her. But! She was here, now, and this actually was. As she walked, she could feel the sky beneath her feet springing her forward, as if it wished for her to reach her destination as much as she wanted to herself. The weightlessness of the stroll was nearly mesmerizing, and deep down she desired to simply jump and skip and race into the Embrace she knew awaited her.

Perhaps the only reason she chose to keep her languid pace...the look on his face. Oh, if he could see himself! It was a gaze transfixed as a painting of awe and surprise and delight. That was simply too priceless, and she could not deny her satisfaction at how fitting it was for this meeting to take just a little bit longer. 

It never struck her odd how quickly her earthly time became immaterial, all of her struggles, they simply seemed like keys to the joy being unlocked in this very Moment. That peace, with the serenity her Rabb granted her since the Day began, she knew it had no equal, was worth every prick and thorn along the way. 

Speaking of her Moment, it was strange, but somehow she realized it was endless: every second that came to her would bring the Moment forward, like a snapshot of Bliss freeze-frame captured for her enjoyment, "past" and "present" would lose all relevance, for in this Garden, Her Garden, the gift from her Creator encompassed everything.  

As some of the possibilities began to dawn on her, she pondered if she might not take him for a chase. After all, what better way to sweeten the taste than by seeing if he could catch her now? The rush, exhilaration, pure joy, all from such a timely Embrace...

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sometimes, just have to let things be, can't change them from their pace, can't make them stay, can't make them leave, only to surf the waves that encompass what I mean. If the heart was an ocean, then I can see why storms love to cross over my surface, gathering in strength, preparing for ruckus, but all they are is wind, and deep as I am, I wonder if they'll help me reach, the core of my plane, where long await my dreams. My Rabb, You never let me settle, You never let me cease, You keep such beacons about, my atoms wish they had no leash, so they could spin alongside their quantum mates, erasing distances this life so oft creates. I will keep on walking, and breathing, and searching, and seeking, underneath the obvious and inside the invisible, for all the threads of Your Pattern, where all my existence is at last whole, at last completed. 

Path

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

As the furnace cools, by one degree or two, the path ahead is easier to behold, when the present isn't so inflamed, or frozen underneath what is unknown. Though I don't know which moments might be right, for the spark to bring again its light, I trust my Rabb to make all those seconds in between, vanish in an instant when it's better as He might deem. Part of the trade with Him we've now made, to not push too hard or pull too fast, so when timing is just right, is when He brings it to pass. Tomorrow is the diamond in our soil of this earth, slowly forged by what He wills us to find of ache and toil, that we might reap the best of what He makes us worth. Love, what shines through this diamond, something for us to chase towards Home, as His guiding beacon. 

Re-Unity

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Part of the lyrics from Switchfoot-"You" : 

I hope to lose myself for good

I hope to find it in the end

Not in me, Me,

In You

Long have I been collecting, whatever parts of you I can find, slowly together a puzzle reconstructing, of what a mirror is when it's mine. Perhaps for all my mortal days, for all the time He gives me upon this earth to stay, that's what I'll be painting: the engraving your soul left on mine. So, if any part of you ever seems amiss or absent, glance anywhere in this direction, everything you'll find is just your own reflected light, shining from inside, fuel for when that Bridge must be crossed, by His will faster than lightning.

And as all these tests we overcame, what about the feeling after? As joy courses through our veins, and all to be heard around is the sound of laughter, mixed with tears of happiness and gratitude, for our Rabb Who let us taste of truth: being One is so much sweeter, when it's made of me and you. - iA

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

extended

6.30.18

did i say that my blessings reached only the skyline in proportion?

that was not correct

Been given galaxies of blessings, stretching from one end of the universe to the other, from infinity to forever. if i could type and type, stringing together hyperboles like links in a necklace, the pearls of the earth would vanish before i'd ever come close to an accurate reflection. His mercy is the sky itself, vapor and cloud, air that everywhere abounds, reaching inside with every breath and powering the lungs and oxygenating the blood for so long as we've got left. His love is the ocean connecting all oceans, filling all seas, not just the estuaries where the salty and fresh mix, but everything and including what's between - the groundwater seeping into the land and filling basins and vents, rivers and wells, there's no place where it won't reach; for His hope is the earth which extends and connects every piece of a puzzle that human minds never wholly comprehend, I know this sounds insane, I just don't have the tools or the brain to really express anything so i throw all the paint i know on this lyrical canvas, seeing if any of it sticks, trying to make a pictorial worthy of all He's given.

Rise

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

How strange that even in the vast moments of in between, those we'd call nothing more than mundane, fractions of syllables coming from you, among human beings there's no parallel of anything the same. A phenomenon long occurring, like gravity or friction, falling and flying, of two states we could always interchange, halves of a piece, with no each having its own, but mere mention and suddenly they're whole.

You've always been at least partly made of stars, of helium and hydrogen and other elements that float, a plasma unlike anything nature could fathom or compose. This is why you have to rise, for He made your human soul, not to settle in these lower planes, but to know again His Sky and find again your Home. 

Lunar Eclipse

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One fifty four AM

It happened, it really has, a convergence of roads, from a plethora of possible plans, they came together, not the will of a man, but the gift of my Rabb, Who knew this since the moment we began. Just a slight tinge of sadness to color the present, something long lived with, a tiny price to pay for the seeking of Bliss. My Moon continues to shine, regardless of clouds, regardless of climes, ever in red and picturesque, her orbit endures, chasing of khair the very best. 

Rhetorically

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Come to me, my Future, don’t run away, let me embrace you, fully, whatever you hold, it’s my Rabb’s decree you contain after all, so be not a stranger to your destined one. I may not yet know your touch, or smell your fragrance, or feel the texture of your hair, but therein each is my completion. I have no past, my present is merely confection for your approach, my Future, that with your arrival the final door of me is opened, whereby I can but beam, a sun finding at last its fuel to shine for all of time. Would that I knew if you will reach me in Today or Tomorrow, but He assures me that among His gifts, you are well worth any wait.

Oath

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

On what I am, on who I'd be, there's no expiration date, no ending of this lease. A promise made once, is a promise forever kept, by permission of my Rabb, this is what I'll always be, who I've always been. There's no rush for Destiny, it's coming of its own accord, as He wills it form, with dua to shape from it our ease.

If the time ever comes, when all it does is pour, and shelter seems long gone, then such a moment is in part, what He's made me for: an umbrella and a shield of yours, to guard against all elements, keeping what's most precious, in certainty secure. 

Summer Festival

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 mashaAllah, indeed! 😁

Opening

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Allah opened the doors of guidance to me, and I found it a garden. Alas, I would like to stand forever at its gates, gazing, awestruck at how beautiful and subtle it is. But it calls me in, has been calling so for most if not all of my life. How can I refuse? It's an invitation from my Creator after all. But oddly enough, it seems every step inside I take, there is yet another layer, yet another scene I did not see before. What to make of a door that leads to another door and yet another door? I can only think that there is no end to the journey of finding guidance in this life...not until I meet Him, with His ridwaan as the matchless gift. May my Rabb make this my end, ameen. 

Weightless

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

dreamer's gotta dream; that's the only way they survive, the only way they can breathe. doesn't matter if our feet are on the ground, or somewhere in the clouds, just have to keep open the lifeline: where looking upward has no bounds. been dosed for so long on reality, it's sunk deep down in your bones, convinced what you see with your eyes, is as far as it goes. it isn't, so from now I begin working on an antidote, not just the sleepy dragon's cure, but something to help ease the burdens' weight, when life seems to promise only more. 

iA

Phoenix

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

if your heart is a dragon still sleeping in stasis, then mine is a phoenix, always aflame while trying to burn slowly with patience. paradoxes keep firm the moment, unable to hold while never letting go, such is a state of one who's sight only Forward knows.

any time my Rabb throws me for a loop, sending me to learn a lesson of priceless truth, i may turn to ash from the cost of what is about to pass, but i can never fear from dust my rebirth, it was after all what i began as, being made of earth. 

thus lived and died, can't tell how many times, but each time i rise it simply reminds, like the cherry on cake is confection, how these tests are just the icing, on a treat scarcely fathomed. wings grown stronger with each passing, by gale force winds upward blown, scattering all the former pain, surging towards my Hope.

dragons hate the cold and love the heat, so it is the phoenix stays always Lit, for the sleepy one to remain awakened, and so echoes in sync their rhythmic beat.

Sassenach

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Just finished first ep of Outlander with a passionfruit La Croix in hand. Looks like a really good series, and unsurprisingly, I see traces of you just about everywhere in it.

Alhamdulillah for memories old and new :)

 

Soliloquies

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

shade of empty, 7/12

Just a day later, already nothing seems quite as bright, the vessel of the chest does its own contracting, telling me what I’ve long known, when I walked through those eons of night. While absent regrets, I have only submissions, to my Rabb Who owns the heavens I dream of and the earth I’m living. There’s much inside, waiting, wanting release, soon comes rain from these eyes, to water again that which grows still as seed. So striking it is how the world has no answer for this feeling, nothing that comes close or equal even seeming, it’s just incomparably unique while perpetually reminding of how human is need. Away from you, like I'm apart from myself, listening for echoes, of a place and time I haven't yet met.

titleless, 7/2

Allah forgive me, the words won’t stop coming, in any moment thinking, of you hurt or in pain or sadness feeling, when the rivers aren’t dammed then the water runs free, trying to reach my Rabb by any possible means. wish I could take this heart out of my chest, put it into yours, so it sits together side by side with its friend, so you’re never lonely left, always knowing how loved, always consoled, always with hope nearby kept. I know your intent, even if you question it yourself, you are no villain, no mastermind of evil, just a human being, longing to feel.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Oh Rabb, she is Yours, as am I. Be for her what You are for me, give her as You have given me, guide her as You have guided me, for what recourse is there for us but You?

I haven't any other. In my ease, in my troubles, whether alone or in company, it's just You. 

The road it took for me to be here...to have this knowledge as I know my own self...it is incomparably precious. Oh Allah, I beg You for her khair, for her ease, for her safety, whether I know of her or not, whether she remembers me or not. All of everything I've been about, is secondary to her being guided and reminded and uplifted. If You ever gave me the chance in this life, it would take me less than a heartbeat to choose. But if You kept it away...then I've long since accepted Your decree, whatever road it takes me on, whatever choices I'd have to make to reach towards Firdaus, I would. 

With Your permission, I will shine on, regardless of what this life brings or takes or gives or makes, it's all the same. 

Just one hope I would see manifest in this life ya Rabb: for her to shine too. 

 

Epinephrine

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

an Epi for your heart

Everyone needs a jolt from time to time, but how to waken a sleeping dragon, without getting myself caught in its fiery breath, and burnt to a crisp alive?

Perhaps first, I take the example of David (a.s.), facing a potential foe from distance, slingshot in hand, ready to launch syllables in sequence:

Oh Dragon! 

Why do you still lie asleep? 

When the world needs your fire,

To revive from its own ashes,

Everything it had lost from dream. 

Oh Dragon!

Your enemies have you lulled, deceived,

This time is not of your rest,

Rather the era when you must soar,

Reclaiming fuel from every moment,

To let free joy as thunderous roar.

Oh Dragon!! Dear Dragon..

Rise, spread again those wings grown weak!

Let all know from whence it was you came,

So hope and wonder are kindled once more,

And Legend again fills our skies with Belief.

--<@

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, beautiful weather past couple days. Cool, almost brisk early morning breeze and warm sun, such are the simple pleasures life. 

Surface

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sometimes all that I can show, sometimes all that you can see, 

is just the surface of what I am, without the underneath.

who is this surface one? why does he in plain sight hide?
what must he keep wrapped? what currents swim behind his eyes?

if he could jump outside himself,
if he could leave his skin behind,

if he could change his name, his shape,
if he could care naught for the price,

he'd find a way, some way, any way,
just to fly

to your pain

and cover it all

so that it never existed

and you were whole again 

.
..
...

oh Allah, if ever love can heal, let it be in this. somehow, ya Rabb, let it fill the chasm and not widen it, let it fill the holes of life and not make more of them. there is a means to guidance in this, permit us to find it and hold on for as long as You give us life to live, Ameen.