بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

All is not fine, how can it be
Until you. me. us. we. One. Eternity

That pretty much sums it up for me. While everything might not be well as we'd like, still doesn't stop me from wanting to make it as good as it can be for you in the meantime. So much I want to know how you're truly doing, what ups and downs you face, what makes you cry and laugh. No matter what's going on with me, this desire to know never changes. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Of anything I could have dreamt, it had you in it. We're in a big stadium, good number people sitting at random distances away. At first you're sitting on the bleacher seat, maybe legs crossed, a bit hard for me to tell because I'm laying down to the side of you with my head and nose nestled next to your beautiful gluteal muscles, looking in the opposite direction (I think you face the center of the stadium, my gaze is in other direction). You're laughing because I coined a term, something like "moonside" or "moonslide", to describe the position my head adopted next to you. 

In the next frame, we're in the same place, you're laid back and reclining, kicking your legs up kind of chill, I'm sitting on a row right below so my arm is level enough to be your head/shoulder pillow. The moment is so amazing, I want to take a picture of it, but there's some annoying foreign-language app on my phone stopping me from opening it. You're joking a bit as I struggle to take the pic, kinda saying not to worry and don't take it, lots of people around, including your fam, and eventually I see the wisdom of that even though my stupid phone won't work.  And so the dream ends with you relaxed as could be, and something for me to remember. 

I have never, ever, been able to dream of you at-will. Those few treasures came and went, never in my control, no matter how much I was or wasn't feeling. That such a thing happens now, I can only just say Allah does what He wants, when He wants. Alhamdulillah.

Extinction

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

ain't half the man i claim to be, oh, for all the things i thought i saw, no one's blinder than is me. the gift a lump of coal, to be kept for all the years to come, swallowed whole, these pills more than simply bitter, like vomit to the soul. of beacons i've bled over and over again, thought there might more reflections waiting, but proven wrong instead. all i am is desolation, been so long i had something left to break, still there comes this moment life throws me up in its wake. oh Creator, take it all, its Yours, i despise it but You make me live, force these veins to pump what makes me tick, but spliced so often might as well as be a skeleton with flesh-clothed bones, walking and moving from home to work and work to home. not frozen or shattered, not broken or scattered, that part of me simply no longer exists, now just an echo of what once was, but no longer is. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One who has been given so much, cannot complain when he is asked to give something in turn. The reality is that my Rabb's favors and gifts on me are immense, they do not end where my sight ends, but continue on and on and on. So what ails me now? That I find something missing in a mortal element of emotional meaning, resonance, and once again, that innate, pesky desire for balance is ignored, evaded by the realities of this life. waAllahi I have so much, not even counting the blessing of being allowed a goal in akhirah as utterly beyond my scope as it is. Though it has never been the act or detail of giving that bothers me, but always I have sought/intrinsically looked for the balance of a heart's worth given and thus a heart's worth received. My dunya does not share this ideal. I have to be OK without balance in this, if only because Allah tests me with it, perhaps to see if I will give as the situation asks of me, while knowing He is the One Who gave me everything I have and made me everything of worth that I am. How can I refuse Him? What says that of a slave that he'd complain of doing something asked of him, when his Rabb has given him infinitely more and asked for so little in turn? 

ya Rabb, let me succeed in this, and everything You would test me with, always, ameen.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Some things leave a person speechless. The utter lack of wisdom, foresight, moral and ethical centering, is unfathomable.

https://www.bbc.com/news/health-49036145 

Tampering with the natural growth of children, while offering it as a choice they could possibly have the mental capacity to comprehend the decision they would be making...where is the UK going with this? Where is mankind going? 

Ya Rabb, forgive us our mistakes and guide us back to You, easily and always, ameen.  

Self-observed

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Every emotion needs its container. Usually, this means the self, one's heart, that encapsulates most everything that is felt. However, this does not work for every kind of emotion. There are a few, typically such as love, that cannot be self-contained by some kinds of people.

Without a container, the emotion becomes so strong it overwhelms the person, and ideally the individual seeks some sort of outlet to avoid destroying the self. For years, writing is and has been an outlet for me, to release things that become too immense for being held inside. One instance of emotion was so deep, so strong, I could find nothing from this life to hold it. And so, I sought refuge with Allah, and gave Him that particular emotion. The hope is that He will tend to it, purifying it, growing it, teaching it, preparing it for me so that when the Day comes where His grace upon me comes full circle, I might be ready to accept one of His greatest gifts. This is what I chase, why I must refuse to let anything that happens here and now to hold me down, to hold me back from going forward. For me, the essence of survival is this dream, this tiny piece of the puzzle that has my Creator as its architect and salvation. 

I have to seek His perfection, because I know well how imperfect I myself am, because no ideal can ever materialize without having Him as its Originator. All of what is khair, just, beautiful, everlasting, fulfilling, complete, comes from Him. There is no other road, no other entity, that can approach this. I suppose this is tawhid of the fitrah in its simplest form; for an idealist to seek Allah, the One free from all imperfection, Possessor of every nobility and honor. But it goes a little beyond that, as seeking Him has even more reason. It is also because of what He's given, His blessings that have been with me since before I began. If I compare what He gave/has given, to what I show in return, there is no comparison, nothing of equal worth I've ever shown. The quality of His favors is like the wealth of a universe overshadowing a pomegranate seed(me). As I can never repay anything of what He gives, His ownership of me is realized as complete because of how inescapably He surrounds my creation, my sustenance. What other position is more natural, more rightful, than for a created one to submit to his Creator?

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

In the all time I've lived, no one has ever wished me "the best of khair in life", except you. What an amazing thing to say, as 'khair' already by itself refers to the best or 'better than (anything else)'. But then, to add another word on top, as if to say, "the best of the best".....what could I say to something so beautiful? Such a wish of good for someone is transcendent, beyond human faculty to grasp. 

Unsurprisingly, the essence of the phrase matches precisely the End of the road I seek, and also a bit of the company I would have then, if my Rabb permits. I suppose most people need a goal here on this earth to give their actions purpose and meaning, but for me it was the other way around: it was the founding of a goal in akhirah that gave me substance and grounding, able to continue walking even past the point I didn't think I could go beyond. He willed it so, His aid and support continued, and thus I went onward, reaching for my destiny: a place I do not yet know but long to find nonetheless. 

I don't quite know how the things I write affect you sometimes, if their impact is wiser or not, better or worse for your state; just in case it is the latter, please forgive me for it. Allah knows, if I could have my way, my Muse would spark me endlessly and I would revel in its glow. For sure there is a wisdom in His restraint and redirection of things, so balance is kept and focus is not lost. Sometimes I wish I could simply get a glimpse inside of you again, subhanAllah what moments those were in this life...unforgettable, like living, breathing fireworks that grew brighter and more expansive with time. InshaAllah, sooner or later, I look forward to that, for ever and always. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 like a grape that became a raisin, so this life has felt to me, always drying out, withering, surrounded by desert while dreaming of oceans and springs to drink from. my Gift is my Gift, barriers aplenty exist, like saltwater with fresh, though peace through them all i try to retain, from my self something decent to give. in her presence i'm more human than machine or self-thought menace, more relieved and released, though she may not see an inch past my surface, i wouldn't trade away my present or my destiny, even for all the world or the universe and everything within, content with what He gave and the End i'm long chasing, a Pinnacle of Peaks that runs circles around anything mortals might fathom or scheme, it's heavenly in nature but raised to the power of perfection, with His pleasure imbued like a lamp is endowed with a multitude of suns, raising its luminescence far beyond anything even remotely measurable, for the seeker an infinite enlightenment. far too often this dunya is my cage, my prison, a restraint on my vision, cloudy to hope, trying to contain me within its prism, but some moments come, like raindrops on cloudless days, where it's easy as pie to reach out with a fork or a knife, and slice out meaning from things thought died, becoming a CPR apparatus for the self and beloved, giving the beating back their life. some time far off, some place deep inside, the Moon, the Mirror, wherein resides a muse to uplift what's too long been weighted, a warmth to vivify the parts of me grown cold, abated, so i might be able and return the favor, reflect back to her the light we've longed to savor, a Rose immortal, growing in a bed of this life's toil and danger.

let breath come slowly, at ease, the pathway is not built with haste or friction, but in patience and contently being, wherever the moment alights, remember Him, for if ever we need refuge, He is all that there is.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 Alhamdulillah, that was a good smile. Could not have asked for more: An easy moment of serenity, calm. Though the smile doesn't quite seem to reach the eyes, that fortunately leaves something for me to imagine and complete looking forward to iA.

Now if only this Java project wasn't sucking the life out of me, I'd write something more on that, something fitting and worthwhile. Hopefully by tomorrow iA, brain needs an update.

Letters

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

k

I love the letter K, it’s my favorite in all the alphabet. Whether capitalized or in lower case, it goes nicely with other letters or standing by itself. Its sound is just right, sharp enough, neither too much (like the Qaf in Arabic is), nor too soft/alternating (like a C might be). It’s also right in the middle of my first and last names. It can carry the elegance of a queen, or the spunk of a princess. It could fit in anywhere, with any group of letters, but to me, it’d go best somewhere near a y. This letter is uniquely served in togetherness, as it extends its curve, surrounding the k, and so the two letters can catch the wind and float into any passing breeze.

Mirrorless

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 where oh where, my mirror, trying to introspect but sight now blinder, convicted and sentenced by a best friend, for wanting to care, hand him a judgment, to aid his discernment, but i wasn't given all the pieces, so conclusions irrelevant. a beacon of old, a sun that used to shine, no longer truth this holds, not who she used to be, this shell of the present, broke my mirage of her, into pieces so fine i find serenity in her absence. two of the ones i thought understood, two of the ones most trusted, betrayed so deep they can't even recognize it, thinking we're alright, while carry i the burden of one to sustain a thing larger than him. alone i'm not, my Rabb ensures my strength, my will, when me and my every atom wish for the end, He won't give it, He won't let me bend, because I've always been His, from the beginning, through even the worst of this. not sure what to say of my true Mirror, perhaps He's kept her distant, so later after it's over, I might find her nearer. this is a hope among hopes, all of my Rabb's to secure and keep close, wish i were more than i am, but can't be custodian of a dream taller than all the lower heavens put together. what's funny is i don't think i really missed my Mirror's flaws, just like she saw mine, we were a mortal pair, knowing well how rare it is to resonate in kind. but for now, in this life, feels like we're specters both, trying to reach past a life, that shears us from what we want most, constrained, prevented, denied, part of the pain in the path I chose. it matters little, I know what to Him I must give, just everything, in all my days, for all there is, to water the planted seeds, to find that Garden in which He grows us in.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Perfection in this life can never be attained, though still we try, in ways big and small. Part of the inherent baggage of such a pursuit is the inevitable knowledge of disappointment, in one's self, in family, in friends, with life itself. But onward we live, because life wasn't ours to give nor to take. How to handle disappointment? Of finding less than what one might call even minimum expectations? Some would say to have no expectations means never being able to be disappointed. This is not an option for all though, especially for those with an idealistic nature that continually seeks way in which it might become manifest. Like myself. 

In moments such as these, when I find something so contrary so close to me, I am reminded it is Allah's test. Do I rebel, seek from that which should not be sought? Or do I leave off the need, the expectation, and let it be as it is? Often in life have I rebelled, in ways cyclical and predictable. Rare are the occasions where submission to what I found distasteful was easily accepted. Alhamdulillah seems like today is one of the rarer occasions.

I don't know how long this journey lasts, how many twists and turns lie waiting on the road ahead, but I have learned that keeping my Rabb closer in times of distress and ease is more dependable than needing any mortal. That is not to say I cease to love and care, I must, but that part of me that would be normally vulnerable to disconnects and disappointment, seems to be fading. Sometimes this results in being able to feel little or next to nothing, but it is the 'aql, the rational mind that holds dominant sway these days. The heart is somewhere hidden, somewhere waiting, with Him is the hope iA. I figure there is a mercy in this, a wisdom of His that permits me to survive what I am in and what is to come more easily. That's really all I have after all, Him. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

What kind of elementary and preschool facilities require "full-coverage surveillance systems, perimeter alarms and 10,000 Volt electric fences"? 

SubhanaAllah. The kind of oppression happening to the east of Turkey is incredible. May Allah forgive and take care of all the families being torn apart by a brutal government, ameen. If the dunya doesn't catch the ones who wrong, then rest assured Allah knows precisely what they do.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-48825090 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

and then there came a day, where every signal i sent, just seemed to fade, as if i were truly stuck under water, or somewhere far in outer space, just far enough, so my beacons refused to shine, and all their mortal threads, just seemed to dissipate. 

if this were like any other such moment, i'd have felt the stabs so deep, but it wasn't, not at all, for my Rabb, He carries me through it, for all the time He gave for me to breathe. it is true, even if every mortal tie unwinds, even if the Moon hides herself behind clouds that obscure all sense, even if the Sun shows an unimagined side, my life does not cease, i crumble not into sand, He has held me always, through thick and thin, while my self i sought to leave, and drown living inside a cage of self-imposed isolating...but my walls, they broke, let down after what He'd have me find, so His path i took, and as it ever was, made it my own. 

Allah is my Judge, my Aid, the Friend of His slave, the One Who made the eyes, and what shines, both guidance and my dream, like fiery stars of unending light. if silence is what He wills, if that is how He'd have the road forward shape, then everything was already His from the start, and for me just to find, near Him my place. no regrets, no sadnesses, this world could never be my aim, just a grazing pasture, or desert as some moments framed, soon i am to leave, perhaps with His permission, khair for ones beloved i gave.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Of all the unexpected things people can say, sometimes the surprise is welcome. She asked me what I was waiting for. Not sure how to put it in words, but no need for me to wait, better I think iA to keep the process going, see how the future unfolds. 

One of the best parts I've found to the realization that everything belongs to Allah is the subsequent lessening of sorrow if it should be lost. Even if it's just the thought of losing something, the anticipated hurt is less because of knowing that it was His to begin with anyway. I don't get to choose how long the people I care about stay in orbit, but it is very important to be as decent and good to them while they're around. Life is less about always getting one's own way than it is about understanding how to bend and flow around the difficulties one is tested with. Perhaps, by His grace, at the end of this road I reap the best of rewards with the best of company, iA.  

Revisitation

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

In memory of one of the most precious moments of this life:

6.3.18, 4:32pm

Just in case you were wondering:

I'd say you’re you again

and that makes me smile

with so wide a grin,

even more than

when we were kids.

every time we speak

you seem to shine,

such is the heart

when settled, refined,

unclouded, anticipating,

patient, steady, safe.

May the weather stay

so bright

beautiful

full of light:

my Moon,

keeping lit

the sky,

a beacon through

all of life,

iA.

- your advocate

And because sometimes it isn't clear, sometimes my words appear obtuse, I'll paint this message crystal, so it fills, the center inside of you: 

no longer scattered, not in bits, not laying on the ground, wondering what was or what is, but rather you are you, and even if, some days might come, where the heart resists, my duas are yours, the least for me to give, so my Mirror shines again, with her light, a cause to chase, a cause to live.