بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Perfection in this life can never be attained, though still we try, in ways big and small. Part of the inherent baggage of such a pursuit is the inevitable knowledge of disappointment, in one's self, in family, in friends, with life itself. But onward we live, because life wasn't ours to give nor to take. How to handle disappointment? Of finding less than what one might call even minimum expectations? Some would say to have no expectations means never being able to be disappointed. This is not an option for all though, especially for those with an idealistic nature that continually seeks way in which it might become manifest. Like myself. 

In moments such as these, when I find something so contrary so close to me, I am reminded it is Allah's test. Do I rebel, seek from that which should not be sought? Or do I leave off the need, the expectation, and let it be as it is? Often in life have I rebelled, in ways cyclical and predictable. Rare are the occasions where submission to what I found distasteful was easily accepted. Alhamdulillah seems like today is one of the rarer occasions.

I don't know how long this journey lasts, how many twists and turns lie waiting on the road ahead, but I have learned that keeping my Rabb closer in times of distress and ease is more dependable than needing any mortal. That is not to say I cease to love and care, I must, but that part of me that would be normally vulnerable to disconnects and disappointment, seems to be fading. Sometimes this results in being able to feel little or next to nothing, but it is the 'aql, the rational mind that holds dominant sway these days. The heart is somewhere hidden, somewhere waiting, with Him is the hope iA. I figure there is a mercy in this, a wisdom of His that permits me to survive what I am in and what is to come more easily. That's really all I have after all, Him.