بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, past few days have seen normalized (for now) counts of white blood cells, thanks in part to yet another med docs have me getting injected 2-4 days out of the week now. Only caveat is, apparently this drug works by making marrow cells work overdrive to produce more wbc, which as it turns out...means bone pain is a thing (never knew!). Very strange sensation, like rolling waves of a deep, dull echo through the skeleton, sometimes reaching farther out joints. Yeesh. Alh though it isn't constant and responds to some significant painkillers (did I mention more meds? my God the snowball effect of chemo..). Alas, that is what it is, part of the road He would have me take.

On random sidenoteness, I sometimes wonder if I am not 'too much', even to my beloved. Perhaps the feeling presented by what I write (or do) is too much, and pushes them away? My depth has never been one for the faint of heart, that is true, but it's impossible to forget that the actual reality of who I am and the ideal that I seek to represent are not often the same thing. It's part of the struggle every one of the same kind has, balancing and being true to both what we strive towards but at the same time being fully aware of who we are in the present moment and our shortcomings. Not very easy to explain this duality, except to say it requires constant self-evaluation and understanding that reaching for something as beautiful as love...doesn't mean I'm worthy of finding it, but remembering that it's something only He decides to grant.